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I've read on here about Plan FU. I think I know what it means, bare with me I'm slow LOL. But what is the difference between B and FU?

I mean Plan B almost seems like a FU right? Explain please.


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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Plan FU is exaclty that... You're done and don't want to try and recover the marriage.

Plan B is for you and your protection. It protects you from emotional harm and removes you from the uglyness of the affair. You still want to recover the marriage you're just waiting for the affair to fail. Most wayward spouses eventually come back.

I'm taking a Divorce care class at my church. One of the last video lessons was about reconcilation. They said the average time for a wayward spouse to end the affair and come back to the marriage is 2 years. The longest that they had ever seen was 12 years.

So does that help?

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Plan FU is exactly what it sounds like. A very big and nasty love bustin' fest. It is filled with AO'S, DJ'S, and some very unpolite language. Yes, there is a lot of truth mixed into it, but that truth is spelled out in a VERY UNLOVING way......it is a very ugly scene...but one that ends up happening in these situations....hey, we ARE only human, but it still doesn't make them right....

Plan B is a LOVING way for the BS to let the WS know that they are taking themselves out of the equation and the drama. It is telling the WS that they will not take the disrespect or the hurt any longer. It is not to be done with all the love busting that accompanies Plan FU. It is basically a truth statement done in a loving way.....

does that help at all???

not2fun

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what is the difference between B and FU?

They both may end up in the same place, however, the difference is that Plan B leaves a little wiggle room for recovery. Plan FU does not.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Plan B = I still love you and want to have a relationship with you but can't as long as you have this other person in your life. So I am going to stop being with you until such time as you do certain things that will show me that you have committed to me and the marriage. (This usually includes counseling and other things but could also include a post-nuptial agreement that gives away everything to the BS if another affair happens in the future and might also include a polygraph, total access to all business and personal records including email etc.) These things need to be given to the WS up front in order to tell them that the door might still be open and show them the way they can come home. Without specifying these things up front, a WS might show up at your door, say "I'm so sorry" and you might take him or her back in. It is much more difficult to throw them back out again if they can't provide what you as the BS needs in order to go forward with recovery.

Plan B also keeps a little of yourself in reserve so that you have not grown to hate the WS and no longer have enough love and energy left to begin the really hard work of recovery. It lets you live in such a way that you are not dealing with the affair and waywardness all the time. This is why Plan A must be as short as possible.

Plan FU = Get out of my face. I never want to see you ever again for any reason and if you do show up in my line of sight, you had better be wearing Kevlar. It says “I don’t want anything from you and have decided you aren’t worth the effort any more."


With the expletives Not suggested thrown in purely for emphasis...

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Well, I think "Plan FU" is not part of MB, and not healthy for anyone, especially if kids are involved.

So, while it happens, and I had my spells of it after D-day, it isn't something that should be espoused or embraced as part of MB. It is just an angry Plan D. With retrospective and time anyone of maturity will look back and feel sorry for the betrayed spouse who was so ethically and mentally messed to drive their loving spouse to a "Plan FU".



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I think many of us go into plan FU immediatly after D-day. I did and in a public place. I had to apologise a few days later. It was a serious mental break down. Involved the breaking of objects too.
Plan FU is about as much of plan as plan C, and about as effective. Best to just go straight to plan D and be done with it.

If you dont want to head straight to plan D, and try to pass go and collect $200 and your spouse (hopefully), stick to the sequence. Plan A, followed by plan B.

hug



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Originally Posted by lildoggie
I think many of us go into plan FU immediatly after D-day. I did and in a public place. I had to apologise a few days later. It was a serious mental break down. Involved the breaking of objects too.
Plan FU is about as much of plan as plan C, and about as effective. Best to just go straight to plan D and be done with it.

If you dont want to head straight to plan D, and try to pass go and collect $200 and your spouse (hopefully), stick to the sequence. Plan A, followed by plan B.

hug

Ha ha! Yeah, Lil!

Sometimes of course the WS elects to do Plan FU--and nevermind that that includes not being responsible enough to release the insurance money so I can get a fire hazard taken care of by the electrician.

The WS's that elect to do Plan FU don't realize that they are really doing Plan GF because their actions give more fodder to Shiny Attorneys to take them down in court!!

Ha ha, again!!

Charlotte

P.S.) I don't consider myself to be in Plan FU but I really don't care to have WS-Gray in my life anymore. I suppose it's inevitable that I will run into him from time to time because of the kids but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it! wink

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I abandoned any effort or desire for recovery fairly early on. However, I have neither filed for divorce, nor have I don't a Plan FU (though I've had some bouts of inspiration along the way). I did do all the work in getting the LSA together, which here functions much the same way as divorce in the US. The only reason I didn't file for D was probably the only Plan FU thing that I have done.

Our laws here state that you must be legally separated for a year before filing for D, with the exception of abuse or adultery. WstbxH wanted to file for D immediately. He even filled out the forms and sent them to me to sign. He said he was going to file them so that when the year of separation was up, we would be automatically divorced. My lawyer said it doesn't work that way and the court would throw it out if it wasn't dealt with in 6 months, so we'd have to file again anyway. So I offered WstbxH a deal - I would sign his papers IF and ONLY IF we checked the adultery box and put OW's name in the space where it says to give details. This sent him into a rage in which he threatened me with all kinds of stuff, but I stuck to my guns and eventually he gave up. I'm actually quite surprised that I'm not yet divorced - It will be 20 months this weekend and OW and OWH are already divorced - due to adultery since they haven't worked out their LSA yet (still battling that one in court).

I describe myself as being in a modified Plan B. Plan B in the sense that I am dark, but modified in the sense that there was no PBL, nor any conditions in which I would take the lyin' POS Wstbx back. With these exceptions, I've tried to follow MB principals with the goal of personal recovery. My one and only Plan FU tactic isn't doing anything to help me any though I don't think it's hurting either.

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My thoughts on Plan FU had nothing to do with leaving my H.

It didn't relate to plan B at all, either.

It had to do with getting his stupid butt on board the recovery wagon.

See, he had this idea that I would just say, "Okay, now that I have forgiven you, that means I can forget the whole thing and move forward. We no longer have to talk about things, and we can just have this hap-hap-happy la-la-la marriage with the same old ho-hum crappity-crap you used to hand out as romance."

Instead, I kept pushing the MB ideas, and he kept resisting any idea of talking about the affair.

So I kept pushing, and he kept saying, "Aren't we moving forward yet? Aren't we supposed to be getting over this? I thought you forgave me! I thought you were accepting my remorse!"


I tried many approaches. Then, I explained to him in the Plan FU manner, that I would absolutely NEVER accept the same old ho-hum marraige again, and that we were NOT going back to that sh!!!!t again.

Needless to say, he began his understanding that day.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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The term "FU plan" was coined by a poster named Mulan (Sp?)

She coined it after a very patient BS, let her foggy WH have it.

She was caring for his bio kids while he ran around on her.

Anyway, it was a one time event that seemed to help her foggy WH "snap out of it".

The only times I've seen it work/help a sitch was when the wayward spouse was a WH, not a WW.




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Originally Posted by Marshmallow
The term "FU plan" was coined by a poster named Mulan (Sp?)

She coined it after a very patient BS, let her foggy WH have it.

She was caring for his bio kids while he ran around on her.

Anyway, it was a one time event that seemed to help her foggy WH "snap out of it".

The only times I've seen it work/help a sitch was when the wayward spouse was a WH, not a WW.

I remember this situation. In this particular case, I remember that it happened when the BS had intercepted a very hurtful message from the OW, and despite her best efforts, she could not help but explode all over the WH.

I remember thinking at the time that this particular WH appeared to have enough vestiges of a conscience left that he was able to understand how hurt she was... and perhaps he finally realized how wrong he was... Also, her explosion of anger appeared to let him know, in no uncertain terms, how much she still cared about the marriage... because she was so hurt.



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Originally Posted by CuthbertCalculus
[
I remember this situation. In this particular case, I remember that it happened when the BS had intercepted a very hurtful message from the OW, and despite her best efforts, she could not help but explode all over the WH.

I remember thinking at the time that this particular WH appeared to have enough vestiges of a conscience left that he was able to understand how hurt she was... and perhaps he finally realized how wrong he was... Also, her explosion of anger appeared to let him know, in no uncertain terms, how much she still cared about the marriage... because she was so hurt.

Yes, and it was done AFTER she had worked a good Plan A.

While she did drop the F bomb, she also spoke w/ FRANKNESS that perhaps she had been afraid to do until that emotional moment.

Quote
The only times I've seen it work/help a sitch was when the wayward spouse was a WH, not a WW.

I also wanted to correct this.

I remember one sitch where a BH unloaded on his foggy W.

But, his W had ended her A. And he had been patiently waiting for the fog to lift so that she would get on board w/ recovering their M.

Turns out it wasn't fog that needed clearing as much as she needed to get her head out of her butt. Once he got to the point that he was ready to let go of the M, he let it all rip w/ her. He said he called her every name imaginable.

He said it was a turning point for them.

She finally embraced the MB way.

He's come back several times to report how well they are doing.

I can't remember his nic...




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They both may end up in the same place, however, the difference is that Plan B leaves a little wiggle room for recovery. Plan FU does not

I don't know if that is necessarily true. Reality is a big part of Plan B and Plan FU and as well with the alternate, reconciliation.

Just my opinion.


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Plan FU in my case was a boot to the head of my H.

He understood in no uncertain terms that I was tired. I didn't want to do all of the recovery work anymore, and that the research showed that women who felt that they were doing all of the work at the six-month mark, without help from the husband, walked away from the marriage.


I probably could have just "shared" the research with him. The Plan FU came when his response style was - well - less responsive than I would have liked it to be! He became somewhat more alert and responsive immediately following Plan FU.


rotflmao


Looking back, it was a turning point. I knew it was at that point, in fact.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.

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