Tonight we are going to a New Year's Eve party. The number one question I get is "When are you guys moving". I am prepared to say "You'll have to ask WH. He is in control of when we will join him in Germany."

Tomorrow I am going to ask him what his plan is. Will we come or not? What does he plan to do about bills? Does he plan to come back and get more stuff from the house?

Then if he has no plans for us to join him, I will call his parents and let them know his plan. I am sure they will just love that on top of taking care of 90+yo Grandma who just had a mild heart attack.

He had been leasing his car so he turned it back in yesterday. We only have one car now.

DD15 wanted to go to a party with her friends tonight. At first he was thinking that he didn't want her to go...was it because he didn't want to deal with picking her up after midnight (legitimate) or he wanted us to be together as a family (not legitimate as you are going to be moving away from her in two days!) We made arrangements to drop her off early and let her sleep over so she will be going to her friend's.

So at the NYE party of course there was much talk about going to Germany. I hope everybody kept hammering home how his family should be there and how great it would be. When asked about the timeline on moving I pointed them to WH.

This morning I told him that we need to know what we are planning for...joining him or not.

At breakfast he started filling out the house rental paperwork and some of the mover paperwork. A good sign, but I need more.

So later I said that I had seen him filling out the paperwork but I needed to know if that meant he was choosing his family and to end the relationship with OW. He said he was leaning in that direction.

I told him that I needed him to write a no contact letter and I would provide example text, I need the password for the email account he uses to contact her, I need him to set a moving date and tell all parties involved in the move about that date, and he has to tell me how he is not going to be in contact with OW.
I think I got an "um hmm".


I am now going to send him the example No Contact letter info.

Well, I guess I am talking to myself.

I sent him an example no contact letter. No comment on his part so far.

You emailed it to him? While he's in the house with you? Is he still not speaking out loud to you about it?

*hugs*

Hi wanna, I don't have anything to add, just plenty of well-wishing! I pray that he chooses wisely, and that y'all go with him and that this be the start of R and a much better M in 2009.

Do you have another phone call set up with Jennifer before he leaves?

I did email him an example no-contact letter for him to send to the OW. He has not looked at it yet. I think he thinks he can leave without making a decision (which of course is making a decision)...but I am going to ask him to have no contact with OW or tell the kids he doesn't want them to move.

From everything I have read, I get the impression that OW works with your WH. If that is the case, the VERY FIRST exposure you need to do is to his boss and to his company's human resources department. Here is a sample letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS


PLEASE, also tell me whether your WH's company is a US-owned company or foreign owned AND, if it is foreign owned, whether it is a British/Dutch entity.

It is an international company originated from Germany.

Did you expose to the company?

WBH,

Exposure IS necessary, of course. But what's bothering me here is that if you and/or the kids join him in Germany, what will you do if he continues the affair? The odds are very high that he will cake-eat right under your nose. Are you prepared for that? You can't Plan A indefinitely--where would you GO if you had to move to Plan B to save your sanity?

You need more of a plan than simply to go with him. That would be the easy part. How are you going to survive once you're there is the greater question.

Just worried about your heart.

RHW

So after a tearful discussion in which he wanted "time to think" until June and I said "If the goal is restoration of the marriage and the family, that has a low probability of success", then he said we will move in March. If you believe in the marriage builders "Love Bank" concept, going away so that I cannot meet any of his needs will not help restore anything. I also told him that it has been torture this week with having all this hanging over me, that I could not take 6 more months of it. I realize at this point this is all talk, but it is a step in the right direction. I told him he has to stop contact with the other woman, let me have his password (and he mine) to his personal email account, and he has to stop contact with her, and he has to tell the school/movers/etc. the move date.

He said that part of his problem was lack of intimacy and communication...that other people were getting calls everyday from their home people. Also in the past he said that he would say "I'm going to bed" and I would not join him. I would be playing computer games, which I no longer do. He had said previously that he didn't like when I was on the computer when he was home, so I stopped doing that, but that didn't help when he was having an affair.

I have not exposed to the company...I am waiting to see what he will do.

I second BritsBrat's motion. The sooner the better. If you put this off till he lets you know something, this could drag on for a very long time.

You're in the driver's seat of your life. You need to grab the wheel and take control over what happens to you. Letting a WS steer you is not a good idea.

If he does go on to Germany and you stay behind until March... or even just until a week later... IMHO you should make a new rule that y'all will talk every night before bed, at least to say good night.

Yes I know, with the time zones it will be his night while it's still your day. BTDT. Define night according to whoever has the least flexible schedule... or in your case, I would define it as when *he* needs to say good night.

These other people who are getting calls - is it during their day? While they are at work? If so, I'd make sure you called him at similar times too. Even if it's just a two-minute call, it tells him you are thinking of him, and it causes him to be thinking of you. And especially since he mentioned it, that's a great clue that it is an EN that you can start meeting.

If Admiration is one of his top ENs (and it probably is) try to think of at least one admiring thing to say to him or to email him each day. That's often the only one people can meet when the WS has moved out.

All signs to him that you "didn't care." I did the same things...with the same results. Waywards use this to justify their affairs. OW/OM do just the opposite, convey their care and attention daily, filling the love bank. Your Plan A will have to include these things, and once you are reconciled, you can never stop them. They are a key to his heart. He'll learn YOUR keys later.

Nevermind the phone bills...way cheaper than divorce!

Actually, he has his U.S. cellphone forwarded to his old U.S. work number which is forwarded to Germany so actually it is not that expensive for me. I did call him today but just got voice mail and will continue calling daily.

I think that's a really good start. Good habit to get into. Surely we can think of other ways to keep in touch daily. How about emails, text messages, and good old-fashioned letters (with photos of you and the kids waving at him maybe).

You've got to ramp up contact, girl. Positive contact, no LBs or relationship talk, for now. If he initiates R talk, stay positive, caring, gentle--you know, the woman he'd find attractive and inviting.

Hard when you wannabophim, but you can do it!

So I have been calling each day (3 days Now), but I never get him. He had a migraine on Sunday so he was sleeping. He was in meeting today, and I called him again (it would be almost 10:00pm) and didn't get him.

I did get a couple of emails though.

I am going to keep up the calling but it is frustrating.

Have not received any no-contact/passwords or anything indicating that he has broken off with OW. Likely he is busy at work as there is a big meeting coming up...but still, I need to see more action.

Tomorrow he gets the keys to the house, I will try again.

I feel like I am being annoying...maybe I will ask when would generally be a good time for me to call as I don't like this at all.

If you feel like you're pressuring him, you'll come across that way.

Just leave a really short, flirty little message. "Hi hon, just thinking a few naughty thoughts about you. Have fun at work!" "Hey there Mr. Wanna, just calling to say hi. Thank for all you do for us." And so on.

Light, fluffy, happy. More cheerful and appreciative than you feel. If that's all you're able to do at this point, just do the best you can. One Plan A moment a day is better than none.

I said that I was 0 for 4 in trying to reach him, was there a good time of day that would generally be better?

He replied "Oh I am so sorry, I will call you when I get back to the hotel."

And he did. And I kept it light and about the things we did this weekend and such.

Good!