This I do know---Do not leave your home. Never leave your home. How old are your children? Do they still live in your home? Stay put, do not leave your home.

Pepper : oddly enough I have Joseph's letter printed off, searched for it a while back after it was mentioned in another thread.....it is a great letter and thank you for reminding me of it
and thanks for verifying that he is being dishonest, I needed that, feel like I am losing my mind

Laker : H says he has had no contact, so why wouldn't he be willing to do the test ????
Because I think he is LYING
I did explain everything you mentioned about knowing the truth etc. I have learned a lot from your words
I will hold off doing anything right now, I don't want to jump the gun but nor do I want to miss an opportunity to do the most effective thing
Your post has calmed me down, I need to read it again and answer anything else
Thanks...again

Our kids are 17 and 19 both boys who refuse to believe that their father has had an affair, they are indifferent to it, not sure if this is because of their gender and they can't identify with my side or not

17 yr old is at home, 19 yr old is away at college but home for the holidays
We also have 2 children from my H first marriage, they are 28 and 26, they know nothing of what is going on

Pepper
I will tell H that and give him 48hrs, that seems more than fair for nasty fox

I think you are very correct with the above statement. You do not want to lose your momentum. You do not want him to think that he can gaslight you any more than he already has.

He is clearly being deceptive. You cannot build your relationship with him as things stand right now. Pepperband is one smart chick--you are fortunate to have her advise.

You and he need the polygraph.

At least you have a few days to refine your plan with the help from good folk on this board.

This thread link here

has a pretty interesting discussion about polygraph testing - and Dr Harley himself posted (around page 4 or so)

FYI

I am not sure about the idea of giving him "48 hours" You have the poly scheduled. The date is the date. What will the 48 hour deadline do for you? Pepperband, what do you think?

laker
Are you thinking the 48hrs should be up the morning of the test rather than 48hrs from this evening since that would give him/me more time to settle/negotiate this?

Not sure if that is what you are thinking
H won't be in until at least 11pm which is when I would tell him this, or it might have to wait until tomorrow if I am sleeping

Thanks laker

Pepper: have been going through that thread you linked about polygraph discussion, it's helpful, I'm not only a slow typer but reader as well, inbetween life this aft. I am only on page 4, will get through it tonite
Thank you

I think the mantra should be I need the polygraph. Setting up the 48 hour deadline just adds noise and gives him something to grouse about beyond the "I need the polygraph."

You know that you can cancel the poly if he refuses to go in the morning. In fact, I might go so far as to get in the car and wait for him on the morning of the polygraph. But you have a little time to think about that and act. Setting up the 48 hour thing is a red herring in my view.

The deadline is the deadline, the appointment is the appointment. Just get in the car at the appointed time. I think you might want to prepare for full exposure in the event that he refuses to get into the car with you.

Have you managed your boys in this manner at times through the years? You just quietly tell them that this is what you need. You have that sort of "mom" tone of quiet certainty. So often with my three boys, this was all that was needed to get cooperation.

I would not think in terms of "settle/negotiate". I would get into the "quiet certainty" frame of mind. When you think in terms of "settle/negotiate", you are acting from a perepective of fear and anxiety and panic.

I just re-read Pep's advise about giving him 48 hours and if he does not change his mind--expose to everyone.

You would keep that 48 hour deadline in your mind, don't say "you have 48 hours" Just keep that in your mind and then if he still is saying he will not go, you can expose him to everyone.

I still think it is possible that he will get in the car with you and go, even though he is saying up to the last minute that it is stupid.

vittoria, don't leave or make any ultimatums, just be a broken record as lake suggested. Let him know you need the polygraph in order to feel safe and move forward. "don't you want that too?"

[quote=lake53]I just re-read Pep's advise about giving him 48 hours and if he does not change his mind--expose to everyone.

You would keep that 48 hour deadline in your mind, don't say "you have 48 hours" Just keep that in your mind and then if he still is saying he will not go, you can expose him to everyone.


The traffic in this house is crazy, I have to log in, then log out quickly, (sometimes in the middle of a post...ugh) This A business is like the flu....you know...no time for it

Back to reality

I am confused about the time line now

I understand keeping the 48hrs in my head... got it....but 48hrs from when ??

So when do I say " I am certain I cannot live in a marriage with out openess and honesty"
Now or when I am waiting in the car on Wed. at 12noon ???

Sorry I am so thick, I need a step by step explaination

Is this correct...wait untl Wed., plant the openess and honesty line, if he doesn't show up in the car...cancel the poly and then expose...then send him to his parents which would be Plan B

got it....

Quote from laker
Have you managed your boys in this manner at times through the years? You just quietly tell them that this is what you need. You have that sort of "mom" tone of quiet certainty. So often with my three boys, this was all that was needed to get cooperation. [/quote]


For the most part yes. Dealing with an A has created a whole new challenge when it comes to them. This is such an adult problem and for the most part their issues have been 'kid' issues.

Earlier when I had to exit quickly, S19 and I had a chat. He asked what was wrong...looking at my face
I said " I know you guys don't believe that your dad had an A but it is true, I know it's hard to face and I understand how it's easier not to talk about it"
Anyway this led to a good convo, but now he is going to talk to his dad, not sure if that is good thing or not. He is 19 and fully able to understand it all.

BTW laker, you have pegged me pretty good

I like what Mel tells you. It has a lighter touch than saying you won't live in a marriage without opennes and honesty.

I would focus on that when you see him. Be the broken record.

I do not think you are at the point of Plan B yet.

You do not sound as though you need to go to Plan B in order to protect what little love you have left for him. You are dealing with a guy where it is hard to discover all his affair activities. You still have that PO box that you are investigating and that could bring you some good evidence. You are still at the point of investigating and have not yet fully exposed. As Mel always says, exposure is a powerfull weapon against the A. But you don't have all of the information that you need in order to do a good full exposure--meaning that PO Box---does that PO Box exist or not--.

So I do this up until Wed. when I'm sitting in the car waiting for him?

I don't know if I am still in Plan A you guys. H just came in for a bite to eat and has now left again to work ( family business where we live so he's always popping in and out )
He came in and acted like everything was fine, hunky dory.

I asked him, very matter of fact, "What is your plan for repairing this marriage"
Silence
Then started spewing all kinds of junk that had nothing to with the question.

This is where I get verbal diarrhea, I controlled myself as much as I could (no yelling)
He said he was quite happy right now, that his needs are being met to which I wanted to smack him with my very large cast iron frying pan....but I didn't

I told him that I thought he was cake eating, he was apalled that I thought he was lying about NC.....left with a final F you

Soooo when I see him again, I just cont with Plan A, ignore the conversation we just had, and cont with the plan for poly.....is this correct?

FYI....have been doing a good job of Plan A

If I don't say it enough....thank you all for the help

I would try to think of the Polygraph and Exposure as having their own individual timelines.

Stick to your mantra till Wed. noon. Watch him squirm and try to argue and negotiate, watch him try to get you into an argument with him in order to make you look like a b!tch. Maybe he'll throw you a bone about the A. On Wed. noon go to the car and wait for him.

If he won't go to the poly appt. Get all your exposure info and expose in one fell swoop. You can start your exposure plan right now--make a list of names you want to expose to, draft what you want to say to each one. You will want to include any PO Box info that you obtain.

As far as the PO box, the letter to it was mailed this past Monday.
The mail being what it is over Christmas, may not get a reply until late next week.

I really just would like to go out to the shed and knock over his Harley
World rocked for world rocked

OK, got it

I feel so much better
Thank you

I'm sorry that you had to come to this forum for the same reason I have....you seem like a very nice person
Everyone has been great and so helpful

Stay calm.

Try not to throw out relationhip type generalities like "what are you going to do to repair this marriage."

stick to your mantra, and keep to Plan A. Remember, throwing out, "what are you going to do to repair this marriage is not Plan A. Hopefully, you can refrain from saying that sort of thing for a few days. [I know it's hard. Just pretend you live in the South (maybe Texas) and just slow down a little. Those southern gals never jump the gun, they never try to knock over a Harley, or run anyone over with their big truck.]

It seems he is going to try to ignore the whole polygraph thing. I hope you get a couple other posters like Melody Lane and Schoolbus to help you through the next few days.

Don't pitch over the Harley and maybe you should consider take-out for a couple days

I also use cast iron and I know those pans are implements of destruction when raised over the head

Hang in there and have patience. I think it is fine that your son knows what is going on and how you are feeling about all of it. I imagine that your H will try to deny anything if your son talks to him, but it is fine for them to have that conversation.