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Did you expose everyone that you had to? WS's family, siblings, OP's spouse/GF, if worked related then exposed at work?
Exposing can't hurt.
Exposing does not work every time.
So if exposing does no harm, why not do it?
Being that exposure has a good chance to end the affair, why not do it?
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If you have been served it can't hurt to let family and friends know. It's only a matter of time before they would find out anyway. You might as well be the one to clue them in on the latest. Do you live in a state that allows you to cite adultery?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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No. 50/50, no fault state. As for letting everyone know, I think the fact that he's now Ding me will really show what an As7ho*4 he is. I think family and friends that stood back while he went back and forth between us and OW will now be angry at him and let him know. I see no one supporting him except OW. And I foresee lots and lots of stress in his life.
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Tell everyone, and make sure they KNOW it is because of the A! She will try to spin it that she just wasn't happy with YOU.
Last edited by catperson; 01/25/09 10:59 AM.
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Unfortunately for court proceedings I live in Canada > The adultery doesnt come into play for some reason as far as custody or division of property etc. I dont have a leg to stnad on in claiming full custody .The best i can do is what we are doing equal and shaired custody.
46 YO ,18 YO marriage ,DDay Nov 1/08 ,Affair start date July 23rd /08 /14 YO son ,7 Yo son /25 Yo stepson /23YO step daughter
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Hey Rod, I'm in Canada too and though it is no fault, 50/50 here, you do have the opportunity to write and sign your own legal separation agreement. Check with your province to make sure of the format, but in Ontario, it just needs to be signed and witnessed. The reason I'm telling you is because you have a whole lot of negotiating power when your WW is in the state she's currently in - both for custody and asset division. I wrote my own up - strongly in my favour. He freaked over this point of that but then was in too much of a hurry to get out that he signed anyway. Two men I know negotiated far better custody arrangements than any court would give them. All without lawyers and court fees (I did have a lawyer look at mine and add some legal language - cost only $279).
Also, it's only libel if the statements are false.
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Unfortunately I went to a lawyer early on and had a separation agreement drawn up . It is going to cost me much more than your qouted price .There has been a twist in our sordid tale. My WW has now told the kids that the OM is going to spend more time at her apartment . The 13 yr old has now taken a stand and told he he will not be going there .The 6 yr old then jumped in dtating that he doenst want to go there either with the Om there . My wife now has a problem .This is the first time in this mess that I have felt "Free" if not empowered in this game .The cost of this devistaing decision on their parts (WW/OM) is now becoming more evident. I told my kids I will support them in whatever they decide. If the little guy is forced to go to WW's this will be her doing I will not assist .
46 YO ,18 YO marriage ,DDay Nov 1/08 ,Affair start date July 23rd /08 /14 YO son ,7 Yo son /25 Yo stepson /23YO step daughter
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Rod,
I'm not familiar with custody laws in Canada but a 12 year old here has a say in terms of custody in most states. They can provide the courts with a preference and the courts usually comply.
A 13 yo can make life a living he77 for OM/OW. And it will never get better.
My dad once asked me if I would ever accept his OW. I told him that she could start floating in air, grow a halo, and perform miracles and I would still not utter a word to her ever or ever accept her in any way and that she would never be welcome anywhere near me.
That got the point accross.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Today my children took a stand and refused to go with their mother .I was on my way from work . After my WW drew the line in the sand saying that the Om was going to be spending more time in her apartment my 13 yr old followed by his 6 yr old brother spoke up. She drove away without our children They are now with me until the next turn in this sad tale.
46 YO ,18 YO marriage ,DDay Nov 1/08 ,Affair start date July 23rd /08 /14 YO son ,7 Yo son /25 Yo stepson /23YO step daughter
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I posted to you on just found out, but I'll say here what I said there.
Your wife is cake eating and she will continue to do this until you do something. That means taking action. "Hope" isn't a plan.
She will continue to cake eat so long as there are no consequences to her leaving.
Have you cut her off completely from the family finances?
There's exposure. So that's good.
Time to move on to Plan B since she's out of the home.
Give yourself a timeline, but you will continue the cake eating nightmare for as long she wants it to go on.
You see, she has you playing along just perfectly with her little plan. She's going to string you along, stay officially married, and then carry on her affair while keeping you on the backburner.
Time to wake up, bud. I know you thought I was a little "militant" in my advice. That's because you're in denial right now and have hope. It's false hope.
I was there. I did just as you are doing. Your hope will pass and then you'll become angry. That's a dangerous and ugly phaze.
What you should do IMHO is go to Plan B. Write a Plan B letter. Cut off all contact with her.
How old are your kids?
You want your wife back? Quit playing her game and start playing hardball. There's no greater wakeup for a WW than being served for papers for full custody of your kids.
She's under the delusion that this split with you will be an amicable affair and that you guys will be happy friends once you get over your pain. It's a common delusion that WWes have.
Others can chime in with their two cents, but you're in a very common state for BHes. Trust me I know. I was exactly where you are.
Seeing my kids and "hoping".
Well, hope got me nowhere except divorced.
You need to make her face consequences. Plan B coupled with custody papers are consequences.
If you have a 4 and 4 arrangement, great. Make it official.
File first and go for broke.
Do you have a state that has marital misconduct laws? File for adultery. Get proof.
File that your kids be kept away from OM.
Or, if you do nothing, let her work him into their lives so he can start playing daddy.
Your call.
Inaction and hope aren't a plan. Fear of upsetting WW in the hopes that she wakes up is not a plan.
Taking affirmative action to make her face the consequences of breaking up a marriage, to include a custody fight, are.
My two cents is that you Plan B, with a Plan B letter, and file papers to make custody official.
How long will you let the cake eating go on for? Rod, This is the best advice you will ever receive. Pom is exactly RIGHT--she will play you and cake-eat as long as you are her supplicating, love-sick doormat. I was there too and did all the nicey, nicey things to woo her...WASTE OF TIME. Hit her hard with Plan B, legal separation of finances, exposure, and protection of your kids from her affair. I know this sucks, but be STRONG!
xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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rod
You have been here since 12/14. Exactly what have you done as to exposure?
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Forget exposure. You should be filing for abandonment and for custody.
Your kids have obviously taken a stand.
Rod, my friend, you need to wake up from your state of shock and start taking action. It is the only thing WW will respond to. Sitting around "hoping" isn't going to do anything.
Get it through your head that she isn't going to "wake up".
She's a wayward who will cake eat for as long as possible.
Take action and do something. I'm sure your kids will have a say in terms of custody and are rebelling against WW. So which side will you stand on?
How long will you let yourself be abused?
What have you done? Have you cutoff finances? What actions have you taken to protect your rights as a father and to have the WW face consequences?
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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I am in Canada so therfore I cant file for custody or make any claim concerning adultery. I have cut her off from finances .I have exposed .My kids and I have claimed custody by me by our actions .I have presented a clear Plan A . Where do I learn how to write a plan B letter ? What should it say?
46 YO ,18 YO marriage ,DDay Nov 1/08 ,Affair start date July 23rd /08 /14 YO son ,7 Yo son /25 Yo stepson /23YO step daughter
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rod,
The most important thing in all of this is that the kids and you get to see each other and that she can't just take them and run.
So that's covered.
Now, it seems like Plan B is called for, but that means you must cutoff all contact with her and go completely dark in every respect so that she can't learn anything about you in any way.
A Plan B letter means that you let her know you still love her and would like to save your marriage, but that you won't be talking with her or communicating in any way. You also lay out the criteria for her to return home, which usually involves:
NC with OM for life.
Committment to the marriage.
Ownership of the affair and full responsibility for it.
A willingness to work with you to restore your trust.
Others here can help you with this.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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The separation your lawyer drew up should have all the custody details in it. Once she signs it, it is what it is and any changes she might want later she'll have to either beg you for mercy or take you to court over. If your lawyer is worth his price, there will be language in that agreement that will make it really unlikely for any changes to occur without your consent.
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rod,
The most important thing in all of this is that the kids and you get to see each other and that she can't just take them and run.
So that's covered.
Now, it seems like Plan B is called for, but that means you must cutoff all contact with her and go completely dark in every respect so that she can't learn anything about you in any way.
A Plan B letter means that you let her know you still love her and would like to save your marriage, but that you won't be talking with her or communicating in any way. You also lay out the criteria for her to return home, which usually involves:
NC with OM for life.
Committment to the marriage.
Ownership of the affair and full responsibility for it.
A willingness to work with you to restore your trust.
Others here can help you with this. Rod, I struggled with this for LONG time...the "lifting of the fog" that is... The fog is baffling and mindlessly frustrating for the BS. All you can do is remove yourself from it (i.e. NC with your WW), protect yourself & kids in the meantime, and wait it out. In most cases, it won't clear till the affair ends or is on its last legs (by which time you may no longer care). In some cases, it never fully clears. I was where you are. I missed our life together and the adventures with family (both sides) and friends we shared over many years. I couldn't understand why SHE didn't miss them too and how/why she tried to shoe-horn the OM into our life together as some sort of ready-made substitute. I would have liked to have been the proverbial "fly on the wall" when she did all that. At times, I really miss my ex-brothers-in-law & sisters-in-law and my ex-nephew that I was cut off from. I would like to think that they miss me too... Someday, I'll ask God how she could have done all that and still lived with herself. I wish you well--you still have a chance if act STRONG and tolerate nothing less than her full reconciliation. Don't be a doormat--it never works...I know. Good luck
xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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Ditto to all that's been said. It's a process and you eventually move forward from it. Trust me when I tell you that time will pass, heal your wounds, and give you perspective on your marriage.
You will see that not all was peachy.
That's not to say there weren't good parts, but you'll realize you deserve better treatment, at a minimum, than to be playing second fiddle to another man.
You and your kids deserve better. I think it's awesome they have taken a stance with you.
Now formalize it in a legal arrangement and protect your rights as a father and your kids.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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Posts: 197
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My WW came by today and told the kids that this staying with Dad thing cant work . We have to go back to the 4 days each ,what do they think . They both told her they didnt want to go with her. She asked me to tell them they should go with her .I told her that I tell them that you love them but that is as far as I will go .I am not going to tell them ,by my words ,that their displeasure for what she has done is wrong .I told her I wont tell them to go or stay. She then questioned my motives and asked if this had to do with paying child support .I got quietly angry at that point explaining that their well being was my one and only concern unlike her .I then asked her to leave. And the saga continues .
46 YO ,18 YO marriage ,DDay Nov 1/08 ,Affair start date July 23rd /08 /14 YO son ,7 Yo son /25 Yo stepson /23YO step daughter
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You did good, Rod. Don't cave to her demands and don't let her push you into forcing the kids into doing anything.
If she says that they should go with her, then you simply say, "The children will stay in the marital home."
If she tells you to tell them what to do, then you do exactly as you did.
If she asks about your motives, you simply say, "I love my kids, I want to save this marriage and this is the home where the kids belong."
If she asks if your motive is "child support" then simply say, "I have no desire to receive child support from you, but feel free to contribute if you'd like."
Stand by your kids and your family. You did well.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
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I can only hope and pray that somewhere down the road the cost of this affair causes it to collapse .Hopefully the damage it has created in our children and me is repairable if not limitable. I have to believe the cost of this affair has to having some influence on my WW and the OM soon .
46 YO ,18 YO marriage ,DDay Nov 1/08 ,Affair start date July 23rd /08 /14 YO son ,7 Yo son /25 Yo stepson /23YO step daughter
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