Melody, no problem!

And how the heck did YOU get tricked?

I thought Rusty Shackelford was his real name!! And I discovered it was a RUSE! Can't believe he tricked a Texan!

Do you know who Rusty Shackelford is???

Alias used by the government paranoid Dale Gribble, Hank Hill's friend on the animated series 'King of the Hill'. Correct?

He is just a CNA. The wife got into being a CNA earlier this year because she wanted to go to LPN school in the next year or two and thought that it would help her out in that way as a stepping stone.

does everyone know this but me??? I asked my son if he knew who Rusty was and he said, "yes, that is Dale Gribble's alias"

I do not want to hear anything about her and OM that she might have to say except when I occasionally ask her if she had to work with him and she says yes. Then she tells me the things he did that made her feel guilty at work. That is all she tells me about this, should I demand she not even tell me that? I respect myself and all but I am also curious as to what she sees in this guy...totally NOT her type the least bit.

If my boundaries are wrong, help me set them right.

They always say you 'affair down' - pick someone way beneath you. Haven't seen any good explanation for that.

Anyway, I'll defer to the experts here, some of whom are now telling you to keep listening to her dribble to get more evidence. I just know I couldn't do that without shooting myself.

Experts? Boundaries? What should they be?

To be honest, I think I also do it to try to help protect WW in a way from OM. OM is a user of women and all that. OM has had affair after affair and WW thinks she is different. He tells her she is different. I know he is using her and doesnt care what happens or how he messes up her life, but I care. I care as much about what will happen to her down the road as much or more than I do me. In other words, I would hate to see her in the same position as my father years from now, old, alone, no children or anything. He is now a drug addict and spends his days sitting around drooling on himself. I also see what happened to my younger brothers when my parents divorced. They both became alcoholics, dropped out of school and all within a year of the divorce. Then I see my BIL and SIL. They both have HUGE relationship issues from their parents divorce. SIL may never find somebody, BIL has finally found someone if he can get it together better. WW has what they wanted and wanted what they have. WW's father emphasised money over everything else and still does. They have thrown her under the bus for no good reason. Money does not buy happiness.

Rusty,

Boundaries are a funny thing. While you try to Plan A your wife, you need to not allow inappropriate behavior by a married woman in your presence or home or around children.

It is a balancing act. I dont know your whole story, but I do know the basics of this. First, you should be snooping. You should be finding out what is going on in the affair. second, you should not be getting that information from HER! Find another way! When you allow her to talk about it, you legitimize the affair. The affair is not a legitimate relationship.

If you were in recovery, then yes, you should allow her to tell you when there is contact, etc. In order to get you to help her maintain no contact. But in an active affair, you must always treat what she is doing in the affiar as illegitimate.

Such as, if she has her own place and you have kids...then your wife's place is "Mom's place." Your place is "our home" or the "family home."

Boundaries are put in place, even on the smallest things, in order to place the affair in the right environment, where it is never legitimized. It is treated as the sordid mess it is.

So, the specifics of this can be worked out in your situation. But you need to defend boundaries always. But also need to be Plan Aing and trying to meet needs and be the husband you always should be.

It is a balancing act!

Thanks MM. I do a lot of those things, I call here with me home and call there their grandmas.

I will no longer allow me to be her shoutbox for the affair. I see exactly what you are saying. I also never legitimize it as a relationship, I always call it an affair, adultery, etc..kinda makes her mad but I dont care.

I have told her that inappropriate behavior is not allowed with my kids around too. Like the girl she is going to be moving in with...I told WW that the ho couldnt be bringing guys home with my kids there. I did not let WW even consider moving in with a drug addict and she has changed her mind and seen the light on that one. I had boundaries, some of them were just too loose and needed tightening. I thank you for the suggestions on doing that.

RS... I think you are doing a great job in this perilous journey. I didn't find MB until months after I found out about the A my W was having, and when I read about and understood Plan A and did a great job of executing it, it made a great difference in turning things around.

Your conversations with your W can give you valuable clues as to what EN's the OM is meeting. As Believer stated earlier, you can count on conversation and admiration as the top two. Women will and do exchange sexual favors to keep someone around who they've grown attached to through having their EN's met.

I think you should use those conversations to promote your case. Ask her why should wouldn't rather be with her husband who loves her 24/7 instead of being a booty call for a married man who will discard her when he's tired of her.

Remind her that you find her to be a beautiful woman, but since she's started the affair she looks less rested and stressed out and it hurts you to see her that way.

Pack her a lunch and leave her a message that you are able to get past this affair somehow if she can make a commitment to return to the marriage and put some effort in a full recovery.

Myrevelation may be right about some WW and what it takes to lure a WW back to a marriage, but if I had used tactics he recommends, I'd be a divorced man today.

Stay positive and continue on the path you are making. You have done major damage with the exposure, and your W is beginning to see past the fantasy concerning the OM. It won't be long before she feels like a piece of meat, and will need somewhere to fall.

Be that place!

Thanks. I am doing the best I can. While WW is a mean spirited person, W is very sweet. She has been through a lot and thats not helping her any.

My MIL is helping me as much as she can, having WW live there and all so she can keep an eye on her. She talks to WW about how she is screwing up her life, and all. WW called me earlier telling me how her mom is treating her like a 15 year old and I told her that she is making 15 y.o. decisions.

LOL. Melody, you're not alone. I've never seen an episode of "King of the Hill." Maybe I'll look into it though. I don't watch any TV except what I check out from the library or rent from a video store.

great posts, shattereddreams and mortarman!

Rusty, my sister is the Sr VP of Finance for a large national chain of nursing homes and I told her about your situation. She said if that was going on in her nursing homes, the CNAs would be suspended and then fired after investigation.

They are putting the nursing home in legal jeopardy as this is a violation of patients rights. It is considered "patient abuse" to be monkeying around like that in the patients rooms. She wants to know if this is one of her homes. Does the name xxxxxxx mean anything? Please let me know you have seen this and I will remove the name.

Will you email me and I wil tell you the name of her chain? ohmelodylane@aol.com

p.s. my sister is madder than a wet hen about this going on in a nursing home.

Erich, i am so glad I am not the only one!!

The work exposure is going no where because the right people were not told.

The Human Resources Director, CEO/President, and, the Board members.

The administrator that was contacted most likely is the OM's friend, and or wants to sweep everything under the rug so he does not look bad with the big bosses.

Expose the big wigs Monday ASAP.

Probably not, it is a small non-profit based in the music city and they only have 4 homes.

ahh, ok. I agree with TheRoad that you should go higher. My sister told me that the home administrator wouldn't be the most helpful person, but rather it should go to a HR director or higher level executive. Can you get some names from their website? My sister seemed to feel this was very serious.