Let her figure out how she will get to work. Yes, it will set her off but only because you are popping holes in her fantasy.

Who cares if she has a ride to go to work on Friday? If she is running around in an affair, then she should take care of it...or the OM should.

What does SF mean? I don't know the acronym.

Mortarman & Tabby,

Wow, you two are tough. This all seems to be getting away from Plan A and moving into Plan B. Isn't it a little early for that? This doesn't sound like a Plan A activity. Although, I will say that my emotions are getting the best of me and I'm pretty tired of this already.

And cancel her cell phone and gym membership while you are at it....

Plan A does NOT mean that you be her doormat.

You are making the common error in thinking that Plan A is about making your WS happy. It is not that at all. Plan A is about stopping LB's and meeting and ENs the WS will allow, if any. It is also about not enabling the affair, not protecting the WS from consequenses of the affair and bringing the affair out into the open. No wayward is happy about these things. That does not make them LB's. LB's aren't defined as anything that makes a spouse unhappy. LB's are specific behaviors that you do that destroy her love for you - angry outbursts, annoying habits etc. Though it may seem that exposing the affair or removing your financial support of the affair might destroy her love for you, what it actually does is damage the affair. And that's what her anger is about. A marriage can survive anger, it cannot survive an affair.

Selling the car out from under her would not be a Plan B and it wouldn't be inconsistant with Plan A either. It is a consequence of her affair.

Oh, and SF is "sexual fulfillment".

Cancelling the gym membership won't work. It's only $29 per month, but she pays by check from MY "joint" checking account that I put money into every time it gets low. Let OM pay for it, or let her take it out of the other account she opened while I was away during Thanksgiving. She got 2 deposits - one for $5K and another for $800. The $5K was from her mother to pay for the divorce attorney, and I don't know (but can only suspect) where the $800 came from. I just fear that she could do some type of retribution around the house - I don't know what. I suppose I should simply take away both sets of keys and hide them somewhere. Wow, this is a giant step toward killing the relationship. She's gonna freak.

What Mortarman and Tabby are advising is a part of Plan A - the stick! :twobyfour:
Use the stick against the adultery/affair - not against your wife.

Scared1,

Yes, she will freak! So what? When my wife started the affair, I began to cut her off. I even stopped paying on the Expedition that was in her name, and it was promptly repoed. I stopped paying any of her bills, and she went to bankruptsy.

As Tabby so elequently stated, these are the consequences of her being in an illegitimate relationship! She did it to herself.

It is not a love buster to do this (please read up on the love bank, on meeting ENs and what love busters are).

Let me give you a quick example on consequences and meeting ENs. My wife moved out into a one bedroom apartment so she could be with the Troll. She left the kids with me. I paid her nothing during that time, she had to support herself. She was going to nursing school, plus had to work to support herself (which took away a lot of time with the OM). She had to go to bankruptsy for her bills and the bank picked up her car. She got an old beater and kept driving in that (here is a woman that loved the finer thigns in life, driving that piece of you know what). So, there are the consequences.

Now, to the ENs. I learned at one point that she was so broke, she had few groceries in the house. So, rather than let her starve, the kids and I went out one night while she was working, bought some groceries and left them in her car in the parking lot of her work, right before she got off work. It was my way of telling her that I still cared.

Another one? Well, my wife got really ill during this period. So much so, she got stuck at home for three days of it, deathly ill. Now, many here said "let the OM take care of her." And normally I would have. But I saw an opportunity here, since I found out that he didnt have time to come take care of her. An opportunity to contrast that guy with me in her eyes. So, I got my Mom to watch the kids, I went to the store and bought a humidifier, medicine, soup, etc...and I spent the next three days in her apartment nursing her back to health.

If you ask my wife today what she thought of that, she will tell you it is one of the things that eventually brought her around.

Never, ever take away the consequences of a WSs actions. But, do look for opportunities to meet needs and contrast yourself with the OP.

Oh no. You are in trouble! The Pep is here with her stick again!

She is right!!

Pepperband,

Glad to hear from you. Thanks for chiming in. Not to imply anything against the other members who have replied, but I sincerely trust your wisdom and judgment. I am about to leave work and go home and implement a few things. I plan to go into her pocketbook and take away the (joint) checkbook, the ATM card, and her VISA card that is attached to our joint account. Regarding the car - I think that's a HUGE stick. It's not preventing the affair, it's only making her life very difficult and will also create alot of resentment, I'm sure. I am also very concerned about any retrobutions this could cause because she's home and I'm shlepping at work, and the kids are home from school. If I take her car away, then she'll be home, and I don't want to be around her at this time. I need your advice on the car at this point, because I WILL take away the financial lifelines.

I know what Pep is going to say!!!

I'm waiting to go home until after I hear the pep's wisdom. After she provides it, tell me if you were right.

First of all, close that joint account IMMEDIATELY!!! Whether or not you sell the car, get rid of that account. You should not be providing her any money AT ALL.

Now, once you've done that, and you cancel her gym membership, she'll have to come up with that $29 a month herself. Or ask OM for it. Or cut into her attorney fund, which is to your benefit anyway.

Hiding the keys is childish. Don't stoop to her level. She can easily call the auto club or the dealership and get new keys made. It will be ineffective and will serve no purpose other than to make her made. Your purpose is to make it more difficult for her to carry out her affair. Sell the car, either to her or to someone else. I like the suggestion of giving her half the money.

Listen, I'm not trying to be a hard@$$ here but you have to think about the big picture. If you continue to provide her with cars and money and gym memberships - basically all the things she needs to boink someone else, you might as well save yourself the time and effort and just max your credit card out on a fabulous, romantic getaway for her and OM. Because this is essentially what you are doing. You are just calling it something else.

Isn't this what I keep telling you? As long as you worry about making her mad, she will continue to shove her A down your throat, cos you're being a pansy. Sorry for being rude, but it's true.

If you read here, you know that the H's who make it difficult to continue the A get their wife back; those who worry about making her mad, don't. Simple as that.

Sell the car and give her half. Tell her you couldn't afford to keep it any more.

And she is so damn obvious about the A, she doesn't even try to hide it, and she even has the gall to tell me to quit stalking her. Yes, I'm a pansy, a wimp, a softy, a p@$%y, you name it. I just want to save the marriage and feel as though all these things I'm doing (exposure, etc.) are working against me because they're making her angry.

Anger is NOT the enemy of your family!

Get with it my man. Put on your big boy pants and get to work. I think I read that you have kids. well, they are depending on you to fight for them and for their mom. For their family. if you wont, who will??

You are the man of the house. You dont get to be a "pansy" or wimp. You dont get to be scared. You must take charge and lead this family out of this mess. Whether you want to believe this or not, your wife is counting on it!

Ask any former WW on here, that had a husband stand up and take charge...and lovingly defend the marriage and the family. You will find some gals here who think they have the best guy on the planet!

And they would be right!

Slap yourself in the face right now, reach down and grab a pair...and get busy!

Anger won't destroy your marriage. Adultery will.

Your primary concern right now is to attack the affair. Exposure. Consequenses. All of these things damage the affair.

Remember, when she's angry it means you have scored a direct hit on the affair.

She WANTS you to think this behavior has made the chance of reconcilliation worse. Why? Because then you'll go back to enabling the affair. Financing it even.

But I repeat: Anger won't destroy your marriage. Adultery will. Attack the affair. This is your first task!