Do you think you could think of one Admiration thing to say to him each day? It has to be something you sincerely admire, not lies. But it can be simple, like, Gee honey I really liked how you made sure the car got an oil change when you were here. Or, You are so good at being organized, I hope they appreciate how good you are. Or something.

wannabophim,

My FWH was located in another city when he had his A too. He wasn't interested in rebuilding our marriage, and was almost impossible to reach. Steve Harley advised me to send him light, breezy emails every couple of days. No R talk, just "hi, how you doing," or "weather's been chilly here" kind of things.

Seemed stupid to me, but Steve explained that I would NOT be able to "reach" him in any meaningful way as long as he was actively fogged out in the A. The point of my long-distance contacts was simply to remind him of REALITY. I was real. I couldn't be wished out of existence by his affair fantasy. Whether he read the emails or not was irrelevant. He would SEE them in his inbox and KNOW I was still right here waiting.

That seemingly useless exercise served me well. After about 6 weeks of no more contact than that, I arrived, unannounced on his doorstep. He was happy to see me (boy was I shocked). T hat was the beginning of the demise of his A. Took another 10 weeks to unravel completely, but that was a definite turning point.

Just passing this on from Steve Harley's mouth.

He got the keys to the house and called ME to tell me about it. His attitude is very sweet.

On the one hand he is acting like we will all be joining him, but on the other hand I have not seen the actions I had asked of him:

1) No contact letter to OW
2) Access to personal email accounts
3) Details on how you are to avoid her at work (she is in a different country)
4) New move date sent to movers/relocation/school peeps

Watching and waiting....

I hope someone corrects me if I'm wrong, but I *think* in Plan A you don't want to demand that he stop the A. First you need to have put in some good Plan A time, give him a reason to choose you over the OW.

Is this right? Isn't there supposed to be no relationship talk during Plan A, and no demands?

It's so wierd...he is acting so non-wayward...glad to hear from me, actually calling me back, cheerful...
What gives?

We are still talking daily.

I have made an appt. for an STD check (as a precaution...we always have protected SF).

"He is acting so non-wayward."


Hmmm.

If he has not followed through on the conditions you set, what he is doing is cake eating. Off by himself, free to be with OW as long as he pacifies you sufficiently to keep you on the line and maintain the stability in his life.

See, most waywards don't want a divorce. They want the security and comfort of the wife/family AND the excitement of something on the side. Note that he is not asking you for a divorce.

Until he becomes transparent (passwords, etc) AND proves to you that he has broken contact with OW, you must assume he is still actively wayward, no matter what he SAYS. Waywards lie. All of them.

Protect your heart and Plan A as best you can.

Today I worked from home so it made it easier to make various appts.

I have appointments for:

1) STD Screening

2) Consult with lawyer experienced in International Custody.
I want to find out if we can have some sort of agreement in place so that if we move and it turns out he has not given up the affair that I have the legal right to move back with the kids.

3) Jennifer Harley Chalmers to determine next steps. I can keep plan Aing, but at some point I have to plan to move or plan to stay...this will require finding out WH's status re: no contact.


He sounded a little distant today when I was talking to him...but then again he was standing in a train station.

His birthday is next week. We mailed cards last week but I don't know if they will make it in time. I also sent email to the relocation people to see if they can help me get some sort of cake or flowers to him.

I realize birthday day will be a prime day for him to want to be with the OW so we will make sure to send emails and call him and all sorts of stuff.

I hear ya, but this at least is some progress where before he did not seem thrilled to hear from me.

Very interesting....I get his work blackberry bill statement at home. Naturally it shows many calls to the the country where the OW lives up to the bill ending date of 1/1/09. We had our big talk on 1/2/09. The bill gets paid automatically by work so I don't need to mention anything about this bill. Next month I can confirm or not anything he is telling me this month. Muahahaha

Way to go woman! You have covered a lot of ground in a very short time. So glad you'll be talking to Jennifer. She will help you sort through this.

Checking legalities, STD check, monitoring the Blackberry calls... Glad you're taking care of YOU, and covering all the bases

You rock.

I talked to Jennifer Harley Chalmers again tonight. She was concerned about protecting my love for WH, but I told her I was still doing okay. She said it would be okay to respectfully ask for what I need for him to do (no contact letter, passwords, plan to avoid OW at work). I will do that on Thursday (his birthday is on Wed).

I sent him an email yesterday respectfully asking for a no contact letter, the pwd to his account and his plan for avoiding OW at work. I know he got it but was still in a good mood when I called him today. He is also initiating calls to me.

His birthday cards actually arrived on his birthday! I tell people that and they attribute it to the efficient German postal service but I say it is because I mailed them at the right time!

I talked to a lawyer on Wed who is going to get me a document that we will both sign stating that I can take the kids back to the U.S. with me if needed. I have not mentioned this to him yet as I don't want to overwhelm him (plus the document must be drafted by the lawyer.) The lawyer was great in that she realized my goal is marriage preservation and is going work on wording things in that way.

Still have not heard anything about him breaking off the relationship with OW. I am trying to give him some space to do it as that generally works better for him...but only a little more time.

I am still calling him each day and that continues to go well.

Today I get checked for STDs which I don't think will be an issue as we were always protected, but ya still gotta check.

So I talked to him today about no contact since I had a time where I was calling him from work (to work with time zones) and nobody was in my office. I asked him if he had cut off contact. He said he had. I asked if he was going to tell me? :-) He said I thought that was what we had agreed to. I said yes, but that there are SOME people out there who say they will cut off contact but don't actually do that so I didn't know for sure.
He said he cut off contact when he got back to Germany (early January).

I asked him about the password to his email and he said I could have it but he didn't use it to contact her. I will follow up on that and get it anyway.

I asked his plan for avoiding her at work...he said she works in a different country. I said that I would like to know if he is going to be in the same location as her and he said he would do that.

I am going to confirm all this by looking at his Blackberry bill when it comes next month, but things are looking good.

His demeanor when I talk to him reflects that the above is true.

Hi wannabophim,

Been out of town a while, but checking up on your thread this week, I am left scratching my head. Never seen anything quite like this, and I'm sure you want to believe he's done with OW. Rarely happens so easily, especially with WH and OW far removed from BW.

Keep checking everything you can, and protect your heart. Glad you arranged STD testing and legal assurance you could leave Germany with the kids if things go south.

Any word on WHEN you will be joining him?

RHW

Yay, a reply!

Yes, I will be joining him in mid March. He sent the move dates to the movers last week.

Well, the good news is that you will be there to see, first hand, what is really going on. The bad news is that if it is not as he says, it will be VERY hard to get the facts.

So glad you have had the presence of mind to put legal protection in place if you find things to be not what they appear. Hope you won't need it, but it's good to be prepared for anything.

Assume you will apply the MB principles to your relationship, and that your H will do the same. It's the best way yet to assure an affair-proof marriage.

Let us know how it goes. We would all be delighted (and pleasantly surprised) to find a WH who turned over a new leaf so quickly and so willingly. Gotta be one or two of 'em out there!

Best wishes.

I got the most recent Blackberry bill and it confirms that he has not contacted her since 1/2/09 like he said.

I have kept up the daily calls and they are going quite well.

I told him we need to follow up with Jennifer as we can't just pretend this never happened and he agreed.