If you feel this way about the OM, that he is getting off with no consequences to his actions, how do you think your H feels about you.

But, you really don't think about how your H maybe feeling, do you? You simply worry only about your feelings. Do you see how self centered you are right now.

Do you recognize how your H is feeling. If you are a caring person why don't you recognize his feelings and work to repair the damage YOU did instead of focusing on the OM who in concert with you caused untold damage to 2 families because you were so focused on your own feelings and had complete disregard for anyone else. You don't care about either family. You care about you and you only.

Isn't that right?

That's what your words are saying.

It wasn't the OM fooling you. You can't blame him. You need to take responsibility for the decisions You have made and the damage YOU have caused and work to fix it.

There was one HUGE red flag about the OM that YOU CHOSE to IGNORE. He was married. Take responsibility for your decisions and your actions. Focus on fixing the damage and hurt you caused. Recognize others feelings instead of only your own.

You are correct in the statement about the replies. They have been a little hard for the most part but all are true and very helpful. Everyone here seems to be very wise.
I have always been an emotionally tough person but this A has really broken me down--more than I could have ever imagined.
I know that I have been sounding very self centered and I need to change that. My BS is a wonderful person and has always been really good to me. I am working on repairing our relationship the best way that I know how.

The information on this website and all the comments have helped me tremendously.

Does anyone have a "memory eraser"? I wish they did!! I just want to get this OM's memory out of my head. But thanks again for the welcome and support.

I guess my point was it's hard to working on fixing something when he is never around.
I know that he is working so much for our financial security and I don't work. I did work before we moved and have always done so--actually I have a very good job before having to move.
I do know that it's my own fault that I had to move but I suppose I have to be reminded of that sometimes. There are just no jobs around here for me. I think that having a job would help me out alot; to get my mind off of OM and move past this.
I am still reading Dr. Harley's articles--it is alot of information but it and this forum have been so helpful.

I have been self centered. I guess it's because I think that I can't help anyone else while I'm feeling so devastated myself.
I do need to think more of my H and his needs. I am going to do the questionaire and see if he will do it as well.

Yeah, it's called TIME, LEARNING and HARD WORK combined with CONTINUOUS REMORSE and the WILLINGNESS TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOUR BH HEAL.

I only have 2 years experience so far, but it's working and I'm forgetting more and more every day. (Too bad I'm forgetting other stuff, too LOL)

Ace

Well Dawn, it really isn't true that he loves you. That is what he needed to say to get you into bed. A man who loves a woman does not degrade her in this way.

My suggestion would be to expose the OM to his wife and to his pastor. She needs to know so she can protect herself from him and from you. He is not fit to be a deacon and his church needs to know this. It would be a kindness to all involved to bring it out in the open. He is much more likely to recover if his continued adultery is brought out into the open. And I seriously doubt you are his only affair.

Dawn, don't let Ace scare you. The ones that get the tough treatment are the ones who are remorseless and come here to support or romanticize affairs. You are neither! This forum is very supportive of any WS who is truly here to get help. So, don't be scared by any imaginary boogey men. We have great respect for those who have turned themselves around and it sounds like you are headed the right way.

You might want to seek out others here who have achieved great recoveries and have happy marriages now, such as lifechoice, MrsW, Marshmallow. I will put the word out and see if they can read your posts.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Dawn, I also have to add that so far you are taking "it," and "it" could get tougher but, I truly encourage you to sit back, read and think, I commend you for your honesty, and I really hope you are being honest with first and foremost your H.
Maybe you could think about a couple of things your H likes, a special food, dinner, dessert, that back rub or a night at the movies, don't ask him, just plan it, you will be surprised what you may get out of him in return. One of my favorite lines is "be the person you want to be married to" and don't forget to do the things you enjoy, include him, open up to him, tell him something that you keep inside, it dosen't have to be about the A, I would reccomend it not at first, tell him something about your childhood, something that happened, then ask him to tell you something, this is building trust, its the begining, set aside some time every night, tell him this is how its going to be, you need to get out of your sadness and frustrations, no more sitting around and dwelling. ok?

P.S. making NEW memories is a great start to a "memory eraser," course the memories will always be there but you can make them fade with new ones.

I did expose him--well, actually he told her himself. My H was out of town and OM was supposed to get together with me on a Saturday night. My 23 yr. old daughter was with me that a.m. and OM called me while we were driving. She figured out what was going on and called my BS and told him. He called me and asked me about it and I admitted it to him. BS of couse, started on him way home the 14 hr drive from where he was visiting his friend. In the meantime, I called OM and told him what was going on. That night, he called his BS at work and asked her to come home because he needed to talk to her. She knew right away what was wrong. So, he told her about it himself. I tried to call her and talk to her but as you can imagine, she didn't want to talk to me. So, after a couple of weeks, I wrote her a letter explaining everything. I also sent her some cards and pictures and other items that he had given me because I didn't want any reminders of the A. I also wanted her to know the truth because I was sure that he hadn't told her everything. And, because I was trying to free my mind of it all. I also included some emails that he had sent me. I just wanted her to know what a liar he really was.
As far as contacting the pastor of his church--I don't know about that. Sometimes I feel like I would like to write a letter to his family, her family, his church and everyone else I can think of but I don't want to stir up any more conflict.
Maybe things are starting to settle down now that I'm in another state and I feel that may be best. Just to leave it and try to get on with my life and my marriage. Besides, he is no longer attending that church that I know of. He stopped going back in October I guess because he felt guilty.
I know that he doesn't love me and that is okay--I think he is really a little unstable mentally anyway!! Seems that way.

I thought I was being nice

Well done on returning all thet hings that remind you of OM.

One of the things Flick did to downgrade OW in his mind is write out a small (to me at least )list of bad things about the OP. Ypu have started it here, he is a liar, a cheat, unstable.... Focus on his negatives and your BH's positives.
You are not working towards hating OM BTW, just moving to a point of complete indifference.

Did you do the EN form yet?

Hi Dawn,

As you glean more and more information from this web site, (my emphasis above) you will discover even more ways that your BS is wonderful as well as tools to repair your relationship in ways you may not have known before.

We'll all be here for you. Best wishes as you progress.

Ace

Hi Dawn,

I went through your posts and picked out some things that concern me...many of them I understand because I was once where you are...I am a FWW myself...My husband, Mr. W, and I now have a wonderfully recovered marriage...We got there by using the MB concepts, and we continue to use them today...If you work the program, it works...

Okay, here we go...I'm gonna "call" you on the stuff that I see as problematic, and I'll be interested to hear your thoughts...


I keep hearing words and phrases like "forced"..."made me"..."doesn't allow me", etc...

Dawn, you are a grown woman, no one can "force", "make" or "not allow" you...Do you get that? Do you understand that your life is a direct result of YOUR CHOICES? And that even when you make "no choice" that is in all actuality still making a choice?

You sound like you may be a lot like I was...believing that life just sorta "happens" to you...Funny story: When our dd was in pre-school and I kept hearing her teachers talk about "making wise choices" I honestly thought it was some new teaching movement...LOL...No lie! Embarrassing, but TRUE!

Seriously though, when I finally opened my eyes and realized that *I* was in charge of ME and that my choices put me EXACTLY where I was, my perspective changed and things really began looking up...I think this might be helpful to you as well...



He caused you Dawn? Did you have no choice? Think about this...



Yes, true about OM, but also equally true about you, yes? Hard pill to swallow, I know...Important, nonetheless...



Ahhh Dawn, OM did not "betray" you...There was nothing with you to betray...He owed you no loyalty...no nothing...His love and loyalty belonged with his wife...You get this, right?


Dawn, Dawn, Dawn...You signed up for this, yes? Your choices, remember?


Own that you allowed yourself to be sucked in...Own that you should have known that a married man willing to cheat on his wife would not be all honesty and integrity...


Best to worry ONLY about your side of the street. You participated in this affair...YES, you are responsible for victimizing OM's wife...Own it Dawn...Taking personal responsibility for YOUR ACTIONS is where you can start regaining your integrity...His actions are none of your concern...Focus on YOUR ACTIONS...


Again, I will point out that you signed up for this...You knew he was a married man...You knew you were a married woman...You are no victim Dawn...Your husband...OM's wife...They are the victims...Wouldn't you agree?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, I'm glad you are here...I'd be glad to help you in any way that I can...

Mrs. W

I do not hate OM--I do not hate anyone--ever!! I am still trying to come to that indifferent point and I think it's going to take a very long time to get there.
I did do the EN's and printed one for my BS and told him about it. I'm not sure if he's interested but he said he would do it so, we'll see.

I guess the reason I use words like "forced" was that I felt that I had no other choice in the matter. I was told that either I move away or get divorced. So, that was what I was left with so I felt forced. I know that no one can make me doing anything that I don't want to do but I did want to try to save my marriage and I knew this was the best thing to do even though I didn't want to move but, my BS needed this so, I did it. My BS and I are improving but I'm bored out of my mind otherwise and this place in itself is bringing me down.
I know you are correct in all that you are saying. I am coming more and more everyday to realize that I am the cause of this. I beat myself up alot for the A--thinking thoughts like, if I had just done this, or just said this but I try to remind myself that it can not be changed, that what's done is done and I/we just have to move forward from this point.
The OM's BS and my BH are the victims. I suppose the reason I felt like a victim was because of all the OM did and said to make me feel like he loved/wanted to be married to me and all the promises. I was stupid to believe this and I was living in a fantasy. I can honestly say that I will NEVER have an A again and I don't think that this one would have happened with this guy if it hadn't been for the history that I had with him and I loved him so much the first go around. Anyway, there again--stupid.
I will try to only worry about my side of the road from this point on but to be honest, it's hard not to think about.
And, you are so right--I am in control of me and that was great advice. Thanks

Hi Dawn-

Sorry I didn't have a chance to get back to you. You responded to my post earlier and said that I was making it sound as though you pursued the affair, when actually OM pursued you.

At this point, it really makes no difference who pursued who. The fact of the matter is, regardless of who started it - you allowed it. At some point in time you knew where things were headed and you made the choice to not only allow the relationship to go in that direction in the first place, but you chose to allow it to continue. I'm sorry, but you are not a victim in this. You made these choices, and all choices have consequences - both good and bad. I'm glad to see that you're here working towards making changes, but you've really got to get your head out of the victim mentality. This wasn't done to you. You made your bed, now you must lie in it.

Also, as far as you being "forced" to move. Your BH may not realize this, but moving out of state away from OP is highly recommended by Dr. Harley - he did the right thing. He certainly did the right thing by telling you that you had a choice. YOU chose to go. YOU chose to have an affair. YOU chose to continue that affair.

Your husband is giving you the most precious gift you could ever hope to receive - a second chance. Focus on that. Focus on what makes him wonderful. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and work to make yourself and your marriage better. OM has proven himself to be a real scumbag - why on earth would you want that in your life?

If it seems like I'm being hard on you - I am. Not to be mean or drive you off, but to try to help you open your eyes. You're making the right steps toward recovery, but you've got to get your head out of the fog first. Your affair with OM was a fantasy. If he's willing to cheat with you, he's willing to cheat on you. Remember that.

Amen!! I do believe that--that if he did it with me, he would do it to me. I don't think you (or anyone else) is being hard or tough on me. I do need that to as you say get myself out of the fog. I am beginning to realize that I wasn't a victim. But, it's going to take some time to get into that frame of mind. I know that I am responsible for allowing it to continue as you said. And, I kick myself for that--for not making better choices and decisions but I was addicted to this person.
So, if everyone could just keep reminding me that this OM was just a jerk, that would help alot!! lol
This is a wonderful website and the discussion forum is wonderful--I truly thank you all for your support--it's the most help I've had since this whole ordeal took place.
I am working on myself and my marriage and things are going okay so far.
The OM is a scumbag and I don't want him in my life!!

EXACTLY. Good job for recognizing that. You'll go through withdrawal - that's normal. But keep plugging along. You're bored? Find something to do - take up yoga (there are great DVD's out there) or pilates. Redecorate your new house. Go for a walk. Call your BH often throughout the day.

Okay, but see there again, you did have a CHOICE and you DID make one...In my opinion, you made the RIGHT choice, so GOOD JOB! As broken_soul told you, your husband did exactly as Dr. Harley would have advised him to do. He made a very wise choice, respect him and honor him for that Dawn. Find empathy for him, I'm sure that was a very difficult decision to make, and yet he still did it. In that choice of his he offered you GRACE...A second chance...Wow, imagine how that must have felt for him.


Very good Dawn...The attitude of "doing whatever it takes for as long as it takes" for your husband is a great one!


Okay, you must find ways to INVEST in life. Are you a Christian? If so, how about finding a church and start going to a women's bible study there? I met some wonderful ladies by doing this.

I get that this is hard. I do not live in my "home state"...I'm a Southern girl who chose to marry a "Yankee" and move "Up Nawth"!

Adjusting to a new place is HARD...Making new friends there is also HARD! I totally get it...But you CAN do it...Start replacing the phrase "I have to" with "I get to" and see how that might change your perspective...



Okay, but I'm sure you also matched OM equally with all that you said and promised to him...No sense keeping score...False words and promises on both sides...Things that neither of you had a right to say to the other...You both had already made your choices of mates...you were not available to choose otherwise...Stop dwelling there, okay? When stuff like that comes to mind, say outloud if you can, "INAPPROPRIATE THOUGHT" and quickly get busy doing something...It works...



Okay, well the only way that you can say that you won't have another affair is to put EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS in place to protect your boundaries in such a way that another man is never allowed to meet any of your emotional needs again. See Dawn, THAT is why you had the affair...Poor Boundaries...Not unmet emotional needs - sure those can help to make you vulnerable, but the real reason is improper boundaries...Those are what you must focus on...Does that make sense to you?

And I DO understand the "history" aspect...My affair was with an ex-boyfriend of mine that I had grown up with...Had dated off and on for 9 years...Doesn't matter...It's still all about proper boundaries...


Ah, you'll get there...Just use that "inappropriate thought" dealio AND come here...Read and post...

In fact, I wanted to tell you what helped me sooooo... much here, and I highly recommend that you do it. Go to the General Questions II part of the board and read. Once you've familiarized yourself with the Basic Concepts, POST...A FWS point of view is very welcomed by many BSs. This will not only be helpful to them, but also to you. Focusing OUTWARD by helping others is healing in a way that I can't begin to describe to you...And in doing that you will begin to see what you've put your husband through. You will find empathy for him that you didn't realize you had. I hope you will listen to me about this, it really works.

Best,

Mrs. W

P.S. One other quote of yours I wanted to address from a separate post:


Sure, okay, OM was a jerk...I can remind you of that, but I will also remind you that you were too...Funny you should use the word "jerk"...That is the same one that a poster here, Pepperband, used on me when I first got here. I was STUNNED and SUPER MAD!!! How dare she? But it was true, and I never forgot it...She was right and I needed to hear it...I am grateful that she told me, so I could grasp it and fix it...I have every confidence that you will do the same Dawn...

And you did it to your H.

And I bet he's scared as all hell you'll do it again.

He is much more aware. He notices everything and sees everything you do and say. You would be amazed at what he is able to sense.

He is looking for those signs, those that support a good marriage or those that ruin a marriage.



Nah.

I mean, he really has all the qualities one would want of a great life partner. Doesn't he?

You know what they all are already. You've told us how great he is and that he treats you well only some of the time.

I can see why you want to be with him.