I know that my little pug is sent from God -- she has been such an amazing comfort to us all, although she wants to be held so much that sometimes its hard to get anything done. My DD13 has rigged a scarf so she can carry her around like a baby in a sling -- its hilarious!

My update:
I'm still home recovering and kids are back at school. I did a lot of cleaning and some organizing yesterday, mostly because I have to have more order around here for the kids and I to function without WH. It was a little bit of a low day yesterday as I felt a lot of resentment that I had to deal with so much house-mess becasue WH got to leave and take only what he wants in his new life.
I have to deal with all of our stuff: new, old, broken, ALL of IT, and its a lot to manage!
I keep wondering, does he think I got the better deal because he moved out and I am in the house? Does he not know that I am trying to run the house, that used to take 2 adults, with only one adult, and the only difference is I don't have his laundry and I have 2 kids out of the house 3 nights a week. Wow, what a spectacular single life I'm going to have!

But, I guess the case could be made that that is my choice because I won't let him be here to help. So, my choice is be overwhelmed by the house or by my emotions by allowing someone who abused me (yes, I use that term, because I think having an affair and all the subsequent hurtful behaviors constitute abuse) to come help me with chores. Hmmmm.... how to choose...

The kids and I did come up with one solution for dinners that I think will help. Each one gets to pick dinner one night a week and make it. Whatever they pick, we make (and eat), whether its out of the cupboard or a special meal. I feel like they are more willing to help with dinner and clean-up, so I don't feel too much like that's all on me. They seem to really enjoy it and it helps me let go of my issue of making too expensive of meals (I like to cook ;)) and also has us enjoying dinner time instead of it being one more chore for mom!

So, today, more cleaning, going to buy a swimsuit (since I lost so much weight none of mine fit) so I can start taking the kids swimming again, and hopefully relax a little before I have to go back to work in two days...
BF439

Today was... a good day. I appreciate them so much more than I think I ever did. People made me laugh (thanks, Dancing Machine!); I got stuff done; I bought a great and tiny swimsuit so I can swim with my kids and had a wonderful time with my kids.
It was a good day!

I'm so excited to get the splints off my nose tomorrow -- the swelling is going down and I can already start to see the changes. I feel a little goddess coming on!!!!!

I'll post tomorrow after the doctor's appointment!!
BF439

P.S. for those who are dying to know, I had my septum corrected and the doctor took a sizable bump off my nose, too -- something I was always self-concious about. I am anxious to see the results (and to breath!). This is something I would have never done as things were in the marriage, because it wasn't "bad enough," but it was something that I have wanted to take care of!

Hello BF, it sounds as if your fabulousness is even going up a notch! And Plan B is an excellent time to have your nose swollen and in splints. I bet WH won't notice specifically (men tend not to) but he will notice you're looking great.

Our dog is a joy to us too. She is so sweet and affectionate. DD11 is officially besotted and life revolves around this dog. She is bigger than I intended to get but she was so irresistible that we couldn't say no.

I gave OW a blow to the solar plexus today and I recommend it highly as a cheerer-upper!

I've thought about it, but part of goddessness is that she is no longer worth any of my time, effort or ire. I did expose back in February to her bosses, so they know what a home-wrecker she is.
Besides, I gave birth to three beautiful children, without medication, and I still have them and she is a single, self-absorbed, sl*t, so I don't think a goddess such as myself should pay her any ol' mind! I am so much stronger than she will ever be!

Also, WH and family do not understand the exposure part and his family is still pulling for the M on the down-low, so I don't want to alienate them any more than I already have with my fabulous Plan A and B (they just don't understand! ;))

I had my own picker-upper today, which was to buy a fabulous swimsuit, that I know I look spectacular in!

So, I'll take that for today! But, please know that YOU inspire me every day! I have 3 kids, another would probably send me over the moon, and yet you handle yourself with such grace and strength.

Take care and good night!
bf439

Ok, confession time, I had a bad night last night...

Let's see, for starters I had too much wine, which impacted the following stupid choices:
Via my daughter's facebook, viewed WH's page and saw postings by a high school friend of his who sent him half-naked pictures last year (after the 20 year reunion). Of course, I only found out about it after D-day when I started actually snooping in our family email. Still not sure if I believe him about those, but I kind of feel bad about sending her a message -- not very goddess-like, but message was not terrible. Just something about why would you send half-naked pictures of yourself to a married man and does the man in your profile picture know?

Then, I texted WH late, as I lay in bed, just missing my husband, thanking him for the flowers he had sent last week.

Then, still miserable (and still buzzed) I CALLED him! At midnight! Of course, he was asleep and he ended the call and then I just cried and cried, feeling like a complete loser.

Feel better this morning, and give myself permission to have bad nights, but I do not feel proud of my behavior....

Will remain dark today (and every day, I guess) and cut myself slack. Or not, maybe there is something for me to pay attention to -- maybe no more wine!??!

Hi BF, Sorry to hear about the bad night. I think there's nothing wrong with a glass of wine or two but I'd recommend it with good company, preferably someone who makes you laugh and knows you well.

The problem with calling WH when you are down is that it makes him realise that your door is still open for him at any time so there's no rush to get his act together. I think it might be better if he got the impression that the door is still open but that it's closing slowly and at any time you may just slam it shut. The best way to do this is to stay dark but to get out and enjoy life as much as you can. My thoughts anyway but have a good day with pup and kids.

Come on...your sig says you are rockin Plan B! Stay with it sister! Be strong! Don't give him the satisfaction of hearing your voice!

And as my counselor said, now is not the time to be mixing alcohol with an uneasy state of mind. One drink, sokay. Two, well maybe. But that's it!

Alcohol is a depressant (sp?), and when I worked at university we called it "liquid courage" for various reasons. Stay away from the booze!

And be strong! We are with you. You can and will slay this deamon!

Thanks, guys! I don't know if I'd call it "liquid courage," in my case, more like "liquid stupid!"

WH just texted back. Will stay dark...

BF439

So, the woman I FB'd last night sent a message back. She said that sending a message from my daughter's facebook is "messed up," -- fair enough, and that there never was or is something going on with her and WH.
He apparently had recently talked to her becasue she also gave me advice about not fighting in front of the kids (apparently my most grievous LB to WH) and to not blame others for the end of my marriage.
I don't really care about her or her response. I know it was not a dark thing to do last night and it doesn't help me in any way. The only thing that hurts is that WH is sharing with someone he has had very little contact with for the last 20 years that his marriage was messed up; that I fight in front of the kids, etc.
I hate that he is sharing with the world that our marriage is over. It's like if he says it enough then it must be true. The part where he has no doubts hurts so much....
See, now I'm crying.....
BF439

Oh bf, I'm sorry you are disappointed in your behavior. Was it in your best interest? Of course not, and you already know that. Can you change what you did last night? Nope.

So, the only reasonable thing to do is forgive yourself and climb back on the wagon.

Speaking of climbing back on the wagon, it's true that a lot of us who don't have a "drinking problem" resort to a few too many glasses of wine (or whatever) during this trying time. I can't think of anything better than the pain of infidelity as a trigger for that. I've done it myself, and have never been much of a drinker. And I don't intend to become one now, and I know you don't either.

Just chalk it up to emotional overload, and find better alternatives. Best one I've found is pouring my heart out in a journal (accompanied by a cup of herbal tea). I can rant, rail, accuse, be sarcastic and bi***y, weep--all of it--and I'm only talking to myself. (I do intend to burn the thing before I die, tho... )

Back up on that pony, girl.

Oh, BF, I see so much of me in you. I'm in a very dark Plan B right now, but it's taken me a full year to get there.

Everyone told me to cut off contact when he's moved out. But I wanted him to not forget me -- so I texted a few messages here and there. I talked with him whenever he called. I called him when I'd had a few too many telling him how much I missed him. We'd sit by each other at our kids' games. He'd even stop by to talk and we'd end up doing it (twice on the closet floor). He'd say that he missed me. That he was working on a plan to get back home. To be patient. That we both knew that we'd end up back together again. Yep...I took every crumb he threw to me.

And he threw crumbs to the kids, too. Texted them daily that he loved them. Drove them to games. Took them for ice cream. Bought them gifts. But still keeping his distance....

And sure enough -- he'd move back home. He'd make promises. He'd do a few projects around the house. He'd tell the kids that he was never leaving again. He'd smile at me, and I'd melt. He was home!! And we were going to be a family again. And we would move forward. I'd do all the work and all he had to do was be here.

Then, I'd see the fog roll in again. And I'd know that he was either talking with her or seeing her. And he'd admit it. But then say that it was over. Blah, blah, blah. And I bought it each time -- hook, line and sinker.

Now, one year of this crap and several false recoveries and I realize that a dark Plan B is the best for me. No more expectations. For the first time in FOREVER, I do not have the urge to call or text or see him. I'm angry. Angry that I've been played again. Angry that he's once again chosen OW and his selfishness over me and the kids. Angry that I bent over backwards each time he came home (Plan A), but didn't get anything in return because he was in withdrawl and in pain.
I was the ultimate giver and he was and is the ultimate taker.

Finally, my fog has lifted. I now understand how Plan B works. I'm done relaying information about the house and the kids. I'm not driving by OW's house and spying on him. I'm done trying to make him look like a good Dad in front of the kids. I'm done protecting him. I just done tired.

Maybe I've just been at this too long. His past pattern tells me that he'll be texting me in a day or two with the message "we need to talk." But I'm talked out.

So my advice is to really, really try to not call or text him. Find a great friend who is willing to take your calls at anytime. I have two that are Godsends. They let me go on and on, venting, crying, etc. I don't know what I'd do without them.
And keep praying. I love the book "The Power of a Praying Wife." Reminds me that God has control of the situation. Have faith to leave it in his hands.

After a year, I realize that I deserve so much more than crumbs. I deserve the whole cake or nothing. I think everyone has their own time table. I never wanted to regret that I didn't do everything humanly possible to save my M, my family and my WH. Yep, I wanted to save him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

I know I deserve a H who wants to make love to me in our bed, not just "do it" on the closet floor!

So, BF, let's just keep reminding each other to stay dark for our sake.

Holyheart, thank you for such a beautiful post to BF and all of us!!!

I am not in Plan B now due to a controlling/abusing WH who is irrational and scary. Long story (see my thread for more info) but I crave the cover of plan B.

I am the woman you described in your post. My WH gaslights and continues to play his games with my emotions. Thank God I found MB and now have the wisdom to know the difference and I am staying firm on my approach of not like before, not like this, maybe not ever.

BF, if you're going to have a couple of drinks, turn off your phones and maybe hide them! Turn off the computer and stay away from all forms of communication until the next day. Your WH loves it when you contact him because he gets to choose his life the way it is and rationalises it based on the not-really-you that called him.

Stay strong, be the godess that you are and stay focussed.

Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you. (Frank Tyger)

Excellent post Holyheart... and very important for BF to read.

You remind me of the way I acted... I didn't know anything about MB and nearly blew it.

HolyHeart and 2M2L, thanks for your support. I know I need to stay dark and I need to stay away from those things that make me feel vulnerable.


Princessmeggy, do you mean me or Holyheart (or both)? I'm really trying to things the MB way and I do have some support in my life, but the other pressure is to just divorce amicably "for the kids." Sometimes I feel like I'm totally alone and totally crazy!
A good friend pointed out to me that this pressure is a lot about WH still trying to drive the process, as though there is a certain way to react to an affair or the end of a marriage and on a certain timeline (his).

Today was hard, too, because I had to drive for work and all that down time in the car usually just has me THINKING and then crying, etc, and then by the time I get to my meeting -- yep, no eye makeup and a puffy face! :RollieEyes:

My DD13 just expressed her frustration with me posting here. She thinks it stops me from "doing something" about the situation. I feel for her becasue she doesn't understand why I can't just tell WH how he has hurt me and then he'd "get it" and come home. Oh well, another way I'm doing this all wrong.... BLahhh!!
BF439

Perfect opportunity to teach DD13 about who owns what, how life works. How nobody can "fix" anybody, or "make" anybody do anything. How you are minding your own side of the street, which is all you can really do because her father makes his own decisions, and you cannot control them. How important it is for us to make GOOD decisions, because there are consequences to deal with.

She understandably wants you to control the situation for the outcome she wants. But you are taking the higher road in SHOWING her what personal responsibility looks like. You are modeling responsible adulthood for her while she's at a very impressionable age. What a good mom you are!

RHW, you are right. I have to trust that by doing the right things I am teaching my kids how to behave in a moral way.

Today is Saturday, so that's pick-up the house and laundry, etc. This is usually a trigger for me, because my kids are naturally lazy (takes a lot to get them to help) and I'm stuck with this whole house and the majority of the chores becasue of how and what WH has done.

Still very uncomfortable from my surgery, which doesn't help and I just want to physically feel like myself again.

I read a short bio on Jackie O last night and I really enjoyed that. So many people have had crummy things happen to them and they move on with grace. That is my goal -- to handle myself with grace and dignity. And maybe with some savvy style, too, now that I am a size 4 thanks to all this!

This all would be so much easier if I did not love WH so much, as well like him so much (pre-A, of course) as a person.

Well, that's all for now -- back to laundry!

BF439

P.S. I am going out tonight with a girlfriend and I'm looking forward to that and I'm hosting a small brunch tomorrow!

well, I had a wonderful time last night and slept like a pug! Dealing with visitation scheduling details this morning and just have to vent a little re: WH requests.
On my morning gripe list is his desire to be with DD13 "once or twice a week to do something fun."
Now, he has the kids 3 nights a week. DD13 refuses to go with him, so I rarely have any down time. So his request would be he wants to be with DD13 alone, leaving me with the other two, so he can do something "fun," I guess as opposed to the parenting I do when I have the kids. I responded with he can have her when he has the other kids. The thought of trying to manage my family with him calling up DD13 to schedule "fun" events when it works for him and then having it confirmed through the IM (which means if I say "no" then I'm the bad guy!) is ridiculous!
She does not want to hang out with him because she is angry and hurt. That will take time, but I do not feel any compulsion to ease his discomfort.

Please send thoughts -- I don't know if what I am doing is hurtful to my kids. I don't think so, because I am not denying his time with them; its just that he will have to have them all together. I think this goes back to his earlier fantasy (before I learned the extent of his lying) that we'd be buddies and he could live on his own and have the kids when it works for him, while I'm just always here. Kind of like when we were married and he was cheating on me, but without all that inconvenient guilt he had to deal with.

Personally, I would want to set up a shedule where he takes all the kids on certain days - just like you have all of them all the time. That way you can do some planning for some mommy time off.

I would not cater to HIS schedule. After all, that is not real life.

Hey BF. Just checking in on you to see how you are travelling with it all. I really hope that your daughter is able to step back and see that you are being strong and amazing and making a stand for your husband and the marriage that you deserve.

I agree with what you are doing re visitation with the kids for what it's worth. Your kids should be staying together so that they can grow as a family unit too. My WH has spoken of splitting the kids visits so that it's easier for him but after having a sleepover on his own on Friday night with both of them, he commented that he thinks of me in the mornings and how hard it is for me to get everything organised. Up until that point he was blissfully ignorant!

Take care BF.

I would also suggest that you start being a little stronger regarding your kids. Start being more authoritative, especially about chores. Your kids are old enough to run a house by themselves, practically. They most definitely should be carrying on several chores apiece, each week. It will benefit them in the long run, when they become adults. You're hurting them by letting them get away with doing next to nothing. Sit them down with a poster board, and write out all the work that needs done on the house, and negotiate who will do what. And keep on top of them to make sure they honor their obligations!