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With my e-mail provider, you can request a notice when an e-mail has been opened but the recipient does not have to choose to send it. It's in the options or preferences....I find it by hunting for it on the rare occasions I choose to use it.
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tully,
I can't remember whether the UK and Ireland are in the same time zone or if you're an hour ahead of me, but please, if there's time, read my email (sending now) before you send yours at 10.
TA made a very important point about not naming the colleagues who said what they said about her career. Please take that bit out, if there's time.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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As for starting the proceedings for legal separation or D, I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet but your suggestion is making me wonder if that might be another good shock tactic to be used just before I've reached the end of my tether.
Yes and no...so much of the time Plan B is considered a manipulation, a tactic, a way to get the WS to do what you want...that is a side effect, but not the main concern. the reason I suggested getting on with the legal issues is for your children. You said you want to make a decision about school by June.
If you think about the house and where the family stands right now, what would you like to keep and what would you be willing to go back to? Do you like your house, memories? Then by all means, wait to make a decision about it. But if it was an abode you were considering selling or has too many bad memories, then think about selling.
You have gone down the logical path of "What if..." WH turns it around. What about the logical path of "What if..." WH doesn't turn it around for a year? What can you do to ease your life and your children's life now to ease this transition. Get a place of your own? Job? School?
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!
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Well, I sent the email this morning around 12 noon, just in time to provide juicy lunchtime gossip and I will admit to an immense sense of satisfaction at hitting back at OW after all she has done to us. No matter what happens now, it was worth it!! About an hour or so after sending it, WH rang here. He asked to speak to me, I refused but he told my brother it was important. My brother, who is mentally handicapped, was getting a bit confused so I took the phone.
Me: 'When you've broken all contact with her, I'll talk to you'. WH: 'You've got it all wrong'
Me: 'Don't tell me again that I'm paranoid. I heard that often enough over the past year.'
WH: 'You don't understand. I want a divorce.'
Me: 'So talk to a solicitor and send me the papers.' Then I hung up.
The short timeframe and his reaction tell me that it is not over between them but it can't be a fun relationship around now. And this isn't going to help matters.
I rang the family law solicitor I spoke to before I left France and took an telephone appointment for Friday morning. I spoke to his very nice and understanding assistant for a while and she took notes and will discuss it with him. I told her that I don't want to start D proceedings but I'd like to know what my options are and how to react if he does.
I have had no other reactions from elsewhere but it's worrying that I don't feel worried, just delighted. Is there more vindictiveness in me that I thought?
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Any chance you could divorce in Ireland? That is your current residence. If you have your choice, go with the one most beneficial to you.
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SHMI, this is something I have been giving some thought to lately. While there are some advantages to living here with my dad, brother and sister (they occupy the girls, my dad will pick them up from school if I'm busy, they are supportive and extremely tolerant) I do miss having my own space where I decide how to manage things and there's a lot of work in this house. In the longer term I have a very nice option of building a house on a site belonging to my father which is just next door. As he is offering it free, I could build a house with the money from our house in France and be mortgage free. You asked how I felt about the house in France; it is a lovely house and I love the design which I worked on a lot. But we've lived in it for 2 and a half years (we lived in another house in the same village before) and I was never very happy in it. I don't feel any sense of nostalgia for it so I could let it go very easily. I do miss my friends and neighbours who are lovely but going back there is not possible for me at least for a year or so.
In the short run, I could rent a house but it would be difficult financially as we are already living well beyond our means. We've already used up most of our savings. I have already started looking at work and with a friend we are starting to provide home-baking to a busy service station owned by another friend. I am also planning to give French catch-up classes and I'll start working on that as soon as the girls are back to school tomorrow.
I'm not sure if I'll still be waiting if WH doesn't turn around for another year. He's pushing it already.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Cinderella, I have no idea if I could divorce in Ireland but I imagine France would be more beneficial to me as well as being easier as that is where we married. There is no 'fault divorce' in Ireland but there is in France and proven adultery is a motive. I'm not sure what that means in practical terms but I'm sure the solicitor will tell me on Friday. Also a divorce is quicker in France, I think it takes around 4 years in Ireland.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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29 colleagues huh?  Way to go tully! I don't find it odd that you feel vindicated and delighted without the worry. You held back the consequences from falling on top of OW's head for a long time. WH is now getting on the D bandwagon because poor little Miss Hobag has been exposed, his A has taken another hit, he looks like a scum bag, and he can't protect the tramp from peering eyes. Time will tell if WH is serious about D or if it's a knee jerk reaction because you have nuked them where it hurts. You are doing great. Keeping your cool and hanging up on WH was priceless. I hope that this destroys the fantasyland of OW for WH once and for all. It's up to him. Many WSs have to hit rock bottom before they truly change. {{{{tully}}}}
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Hey B-R, I felt it was an honourable contender against your 'Ho lives here' sign picketed in the OW's front lawn! (Metaphorically speaking, of course!) Thanks for the encouragement when I needed it!
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Tully, I don't know how much you've read round this forum, but you may know that your WH's reaction to public exposure is absolutely bog-standard. It goes..."How dare you do this!", "How could you humiliate poor OW like this!", "I was up for working on the marriage, but you've ruined it!", "I hate you and I'm going to divorce you!". Whatever else, you've certainly got his attention. I must admit I'm enjoying some vicarious pleasure at the mental image of all those people helpless with laughter over their computer screens. Not at you, but at your WH and OW. I'd bet good money that these two have p1ssed off a lot of people, and many will enjoy seeing them cut down to size. He'll be losing kilos himself, doing the damage control. I'm sure you're being presented as mentally deranged, to a bunch of people who will listen politely and not believe a word. Tsk, Tully, what a cruel thing to do to your hero husband and his poor little mistress. TA
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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I bet there was a lot of :MrEEk: and a lot of  and a lot of  and a lot of  when people read your email. And, I bet it was all aimed at your wh and the ho.
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Tully,
You rock!!! Way to go!! I am living vicariously through you as I have dreamt for a long time about blowing up OM's world in a similar fashion! I'm still chewing on some ideas. It's been said that revenge is a dish best served cold.... He'll get his in due time. I am so happy that you were able to feel that ultimate sense of satisfaction after hitting the send button. WH reacted in the expected manor. Maybe he is serious maybe not, but you are continuing to force him to make a move rather then playing his hand for him. Nice job!!
By the way, Happy New Year to you as well!! I can't see how 2009 can be worse then 2008 was to us BS's so we have no where to go but up!!!
I hope Ruby is bringing alot of joy to your children. I have a Golden Retriever and my daughters just love him to death.
Hugs to you Tully from 'across the pond'!!!
Mindshare
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Well, I sent the email this morning around 12 noon, just in time to provide juicy lunchtime gossip and I will admit to an immense sense of satisfaction at hitting back at OW after all she has done to us.
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29 colleagues, tully? I think that was over the top.
28 would have been enough.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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In the movie playing in my head, you are a cross between Tarantino's Foxy Brown, one of the original Charlie's Angels and Bambi's mother, except that you don't get killed and Bambi is actually four little girls.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I never had to go to this length, but from what I have read, your WH reaction was about right on target.
I hope you have no feelings of regret, your email was truthful and appropriate for your situation.
I hope things work our for you.
I am so glad to hear that you have the support of family and friends at this time. It is also excellent that you are making opportunities for yourself.
Remember, that Plan D is not an absolute. You can stop at any time. It just really hurts to hear those words, I know.
I wish I could have done the hang up thing.
I just cried. and felt my life changing.
I would not be that same person now. I am not that same woman now.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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This has to be quick as I have just picked up the girls from school, my sister got out of hospital this afternoon and my dad is dying with the flu. Here is an email I received from WH this afternoon. Bugs me that he jumps to her defence every time when he can't even lift a little finger to save his M. Tully,
It is only fair that you get to read what I sent to everybody after your email of yesterday, which was destructive on several points and for several people. First for OW of course, but also for our relashionship. How do you expect me to react to such a despicably destructive behaviour. I feel that your mail shows a few things and is also characteristic of 'the kind of person you are'. Actually, you said several times in the past that you would never do this... Beyond the personal attacks to OW, it also shows a lot of despair which we will have to get over for our children's sake. I hope we can talk calmly in the near future of what is best for the girls.
Bye for now,
WH
PS: it is not the time to talk in detail about what you wrote, especially since you refused, in the last two months, to address the crucial points of our relationship. However, I have to say that puting all the blame on OW is not only wrong, but also completely untrue. I always made clear that what happened between OW and I is largely my own behaviour too. As far as I can see, OW and I are two conscious adults who did not find themlseves trapped by the other one.
Hello everybody,
I do not know everyone of you but I believe you received today an email from my wife, Tully, concerning OW. I am not going to write at length about this since I do not think that what was written is very relevant as far as you are concerned. I am in the process of divorcing and my wife largely puts the blame onto OW. You would have judged by yourselves that the intention of that email was to put her in a terribly uncomfortable position. I trust that you can judge OW by yourselves on a professional level. I feel that her personal life is private and I hope you will not judge her, or me, by what has been written in the email sent to you today. I am sorry that you have been indirectly involved in a sad episode of my couple's life.
Yours sincerely,
WH While editing this just noticed how many times he uses her name. Indicative? Tully
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Hey tully,
When you decide to respond to WH stick it to him with blunt truth. Tell him you DON'T blame OW but that you completely agree him dropping his pants and crapping all over you and your children was HIS decision. You blame him but point out that that doesn't change the FACT that OW is immoral and deceitful. Ask him how does he expect YOU to react to HIS and OW's despicably destructive behaviour. How dare he! Take a look in the mirror man!!!
Does he ever want one of his girl to put up with such utter disrespect from her H one day? Tell him you ARE calm and crystal clear about the situation. You can tell him you KNOW what's best for your girls and fill in the blanks with comments that no sane parent could argue with.
Depending on where you want to go with this you can flatten him with brutal truth and some stinging remarks but I'm not sure if you want to go there just yet.
Hang in there. I have been there and it was tough to fight the good fight sometimes. You are a terrific lady and your children are truly blessed to have you. Don't forget that!!
{{{tully}}}
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I think it is very telling that his first act and inclination is to somehow defend or "fix" this for OW.
Ugh...how very very foggy.
Where exactly in the "process" is he? He thinks because he informed you of his intent that puts you in the "process'???
How can he only see YOUR destructive acts and not recognize HIS destructive acts and that anything you have done is simply an offshoot of what he has done.
OMG he is foggy!
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