I am married and 18 years ago, I had an affair with a man who was also married--to someone else obviously. We both ended up divorcing our spouses and were talking marriage to each other. Then, he ended up getting back with his wife and they re-married. They had 2 small children and he said it was because of the children. I was devestated and stayed single for about 10 years.
Then I met a man who had recently gotten divorced. We dated for a while and lived together for a couple of years and then we got married.
Over the years, I would run into my old flame and we would talk casually. Then, one day last year (Oct.) we ended up somehow getting together and starting our affair again for a second time.
He told me how he had been unhappy for years with his wife and how he had loved me for the past 18 years and how he never wanted to lose me again and he wanted to be married to me and made so many promises--never to hurt me again. I believed him. So, our affair went for about 10 months until we ended up getting caught--by my husband and then his wife. Keep in mind now that this is our second affair--over many years.
I truly loved this man more than I've ever loved anyone my entire life. And, he said he felt the same. He said he never loved his wife as much as he did me and that his love for me was more than it has ever been for anybody ever. Blah, blah, blah.
Well, of course it was a nightmare for us all and even after it was discovered, he still talked to me and emailed me and told me he loved me and wanted me--but he was with her still because he had been married to her for 34 years--but that for the past 18 of those 34 years he's really loved me. Is this making any sense?
Anyway, my husband made me quit my job, pack up our house and move from my hometown where all my friends and family and daughter were. We moved out of state to a place that I truly hate. There is nothing to do here and no where to work. I feel so isolated and alone and like a caged animal and all I can do is this about this guy and why things happened and why he broke all of his promises and abandoned me when he swore he would never hurt me again. I'm going crazy.
I did some pretty terrible things after he finally told me this past October that he wanted to stay with her "for now" but we didn't know what the future would bring. It's like he wanted to stay with his wife but he didn't want to give me closure either.
This person is really the love of my life--for many years now and I do believe that he loves me truly but he loves the wife more I guess. He said he didn't but actions speak louder.
I am really trying to move on and get myself together and even though it's been 4 months since all this took place, I still cry every day and my thoughts are always consumed of this situation.
I did try to talk to his wife after our discovery but she is not receptive to that. This guy won't even speack to me now--after everything he's put me through. I feel like I've sacrificed my entire life for him and I was just a piece of garbage that he threw away.
I don't understand how he could literally cry tears many times over this--especially when he was told that I had to move and then just turn his love for me off.
My husband and I are getting along so/so but I don't think it will ever be the same again. He will not allow me to take any kind of anti depressants--I was on these for a while during the affair and then after discovery of affair my husband also discovered I was taking the antidepressants and made me ween off these too. So, I lost my home, my job, my antidepressants, my 2 beloved cats, my hometown, my family and was forced to move to a crappy place. I feel like I have lost everything--including the man who swore never to hurt me again.

When are you going to become aware of the reality of your story?

You need to face that the OM only kept saying what he had to. To keep getting into your skirt. You have to discard what he said to you from what he did for you.

What did he do for you?

He got you to cheat on your two husbands.

He got to destroy your first marriage.

He may get to destroy your second marriage beyond repair.

He got you to destroy two men.

He never left his BW for you.

Why after all of the reckage that he created in your life do you still want him around?

How has after all this OM has done. How do you still consider him to be good husband material?

Is a he not a liar and a cheater?

How did you expect your BH to react to your affair?

Most BH's will have to move far away from the area from where the affair partner lives.

If the OM was so speacial why did he not offer to move far away so that you would still have your family and friends close to you?

Why has the OM, with you being the love of his life, has not saved you from moving to the retchet place where you now live?

What have you done to recover your marriage?

What have/are you doing to help your BH heal?

Do you have any COM?

Hi Dawn,
Welcome to MB.

Firstly I would like to know what do you want the most help with? The OM or your marriage? We can help you with fixing the problems in your marriage that led you to think an A was a good choice. We can (hopefully) clear the fog you have over your eyes regarding your OM. We cannot help you if you are not willing to help yourself.

Have you read the basic concepts? Is your H interested in coming to the forum. Have you 2 filled in the emotional needs form, the love buster form, made a plan for recovery???

So what is it that you think you love so much about this man? Perhaps it is the way that he cast you so easily aside. Or perhaps you love the way he has jeopardized the welfare of his two small children by wreaking the family they live in. Or maybe your love is tied to the way he treated his real wife by building a family with her only to tear it in half through his affair with you. I bet the real reason you love him so much is the way that he and you conspire to crush your husband. You know the guy, you married him. You promised to look after him and protect him, that guy. I see that there is much to like about your affair partner, many admirable qualities. Do you know that his wife sees those same qualities in you? You are an adulterer and your participation in this act of infidelity has created collateral damage everywhere you look, your lover’s wife, your husband, his children, your friends, your home, your job all so that you can enjoy this man's company and sex.

You call this man the “love of your life”, but sadly you have yet to learn what life is. You are the cause of your present state and you are the source of your unhappiness. It is you that must be repaired. Your tears are the tears of a selfish child. Perhaps you could one day become a woman of respect but for now you are merely an adulterer.

I hope that you find your way and one day read your opening post with horror and shame. There are many here who will help you to see what infidelity really is, what means, what it does and why it is one of the cruelest acts that could ever be perpetuated on your spouse. Stay and read of some of the Marriage Builder concepts especially the articles regarding infidelity. Maybe you will begin to see what I mean. I would be interested in further discussion with you AFTER you have read information on this site.

Mr. G

Just a question - can you direct your BH here please?

I'm interested in finding out why on earth he would want to remain M'd to you, because I'm guessing that even now you're continuing to lie to him about what's really going on in your heart and literally stealing years from his life, years that he could spend with someone a bit more worthy of his love and attention.

I understand everything you are saying and you are right. The OM did not do all that much now that I think about it. I think the main thing that he did was mostly give me the attention that I desired so much. He called me all the time, sent me sweet, romantic text messages and emails and made me feel like I was important--for a while at least.

In retrospect I don't believe that I/we would have been happy if we had gotten together. You are correct in saying that I never would have trusted him.

He is not an overly good looking guy but was very sweet and caring and had a certain charm about him.

I just want my heart to be healed from the shock and hurt that he has caused me.

I've complied with every request my BH has made of me. As I mentioned before I quit my job, packed up my house and moved to a place that I really didn't want to go to, left my family and everything that I have known for the past 43 years because that was what my BH needed. I've told him about the EA and answered any question that he had about it. I provided him the OM's information that he asked for (name, phone #'s, etc) and changed my cell phone #.
We get along ok--we don't fight or argue or talk about the A anymore--he does mention the guys' name occasionally but my BH husband and I don't talk much. Not in a hateful way but he works 10-12 hrs. per day and is not around much.

I know the OM is a liar and is really not worth my time or energy. I'm just having a hard time getting over his betrayal and moving on.

Thank you for welcoming me.

I need help with both. I need to get past this OM and the pain that I still feel over this but I also need help with repairing my marriage.

I have read the information but my BH doesn't know about this website and I have not discussed it with him. Mostly because he is not around much due to his job but I don't know if he would be very receptive to it.

He is a good man and has been very good to me over the years materialistically. I thought the OM was a good man too but I see the truth behind that.

I'm just having the most problem right now with getting my heart back from him. I just feel crushed and hollow.

I had a girlfriend to tell me that I should write him a letter and express my feeling of anger and disappointment. She says that sometimes you can't get over things until you feel like you've been heard. And, I know I will never get any explanation or reasoning from him. What do you think about this idea?

That was pretty brutal--but I know it is true and I know you are right.
I have read alot of the information on the site especially regarding infidelity. I do understand that I am the scum of the earth. I do have regret, guily and remorse over my actions.

The OM's children are now grown--they were small children during our 1st EA. But nonetheless, I'm sure it has hurt them.

I am not even sure at this point what it is/was that I loved about the guy. I just felt so comfortable when I was with him, we could talk about anything and I really felt that he loved me. That's about all I can come up with. Sad, I know.

His life is still in tact. He still has his job, home, friends and family, still in his environment and he still has his spouse. She's not going anywhere.

I think about this situation so much and I know that even if he called me and wanted me I wouldn't go with him. What bothers me so much is that the fact that he mislead me for so long. I did not ask him to tell me he loved me or to promise that he would be with me and marry me. As a matter of fact, I asked him several times to please end it with me if he did not want me and he wouldn't do it. Even in our last face to face conversation I asked him to please look at me and tell me that he loved her more and that he didn't want me and he just looked at me with tears in his eyes, shook his head no and said "I can't". So, I really thought this guy loved me and that is why I'm having such a hard time getting over it.

I know that I need to get this OM out of my life, out of my head and retrieve my heart back so that I can get on with it but it's very hard to do.

You are right about everything that you said though and I thank you.

I have not told my BH about this website. Not that I'm hiding it from him but I know his personality. He is a very analytical thinking person and doesnt' think that he needs any support of any kind.
After the EA came to light, I suggested that he and I go to counseling and he just flatly refused. He is a perfectionist and doesn't need anyone's help according to him.

I know that I have done a horrible thing and I know that I have caused tremendous damage to him and to our marriage. But, it was good at one time. I do want it to be like that again.

I've tried to get him to spend recreational time with me but he is always too tired or something is always going on.

I'm not a trashy person. I'm a person that has done a very bad thing--we all make mistakes, don't we?

I know that I've done a very bad thing to the OM's wife. I do regret everything. But, they are still together and I'm sure that things are getting back to normal for them. Not that this should matter to me and it really doesn't -- its just a statement.
I'm trying to get over the pain the OM has caused me. And, I'm trying to get my life and marriage back together.

I do not think that at all, I think you are a person who has lost your footing. You made choices that hurt you and those around you. You have made mistakes. But you can recover from these mistakes. All is not lost. It is really up to you. In my four years here I have seen much worse situations than yours, wayward wives that were so totally immersed in their affairs that they cared about nothing except the other man and themselves. I have seen these same women regain their hold on life and rediscover love of the husband and family. But best of all is how they rediscover pride in themselves. That is the best. Happens all the time right here, right now.


It is the choices you make today that will paint your future and define the person that you are. Make smart choices.


You would likely be wrong on that count. They face the same similar challenges that you do. They need to recover from his act of infidelity and their pain is likely great. Together they are trying to find their way back to the love that initially brought them together. They are trying to save their family and protect their children’s future. That is what marriage is. You are at those same crossroads.

Your husband, by having you leave your job and move to another state performed in a very similar manner to what might be advised in these forums. You are removed from ALL contact with the other man and that is the best recipe for breaking his hold on you. You cannot really begin recovery with your husband until the OM is no longer your love. It doesn’t sound as if you have reached that point yet, but it will come.

When it does and you are over the other man, you can better address the problems in your marriage that stand as a roadblock to the deep and fulfilling relationship that you desire. The excitement that you experienced with the OM can happen in your marriage with your husband. I have little doubt that there are a host of issues that existed in your marriage before the occurrence of your infidelity. Your choice to deal with those problems by engaging in an act of infidelity was a grave mistake but now you have the opportunity to deal with them straight on with your husband.

Why don’t you begin a list of the specific items that most bother you about your husband? Then start a second list of the thing you think most bother him about you. Discuss the efforts you have made and the effects those efforts have had. Be aware that your husband is likely suffering from your past affair actions and that will color many things. You both have much recovery work to do. Perhaps your husband is waiting for you to recommit to the marriage. Have you done that yet?

Mr. G

This is what you don't understand - things will NEVER be normal again. You need to try to wrap your brain around the concept that by you having an affair with her husband has FOREVER changed her. Many of us have PTSD on here as a result of our spouse's affair. Dr. Harley says that a spouse's affair is more painful than rape or the death of one's child - and this is based on his 35 years of experience counseling people that have gone through many, many types of trauma.

You have forever damaged this woman. Life will never be the same for her whether she stays with her WH or not. As much pain as you're in right now, doesn't even come close to comparing to the pain she's in. Many BS's contemplate suicide because of all the pain they're in and need antidepressants - and I am one of them. It's possible she is, too.

You need to open your eyes and look past your own pain, and see the massive damage that you have caused to several innocent people - your BS, his wife, and their children.

If this means making contact with OM..

NO!!

He might not be receptive, but you don't know until you try ay
Think back to your Marital history and how you have bought things up in the past.
Another idea is print out the H EN form, and say to him that it will help you understand what he wants from you, and that you would love it if he helped you fill it in because you really want to care for him they way he likes best.

If he doesnt seem to be particulary keen, fill it in yourself to the best of your knowledge, and start implimenting the top EN, then once your comfortable with that, do number 2 and so on, until you are doing the top 5.

You might be surprised at how much you know about your H, and how much you don't.

why do you keep calling it an EA? Are you wanting everyone to believe that with the A in its second go around is an EA?
Your H might not work all those hours if he felt his M to you was worth coming home to, I don't believe for one minute he isn't interested in talking about it, I believe he would talk about it if you were transparent and truthful about the whole thing. tell the truth, spill the whole thing to him. Give your H the tears he deserves, the truth he deserves, the truth that you are still crying about the OM, give you H the respect that you gave the OM, at least do that. Give you H back the life he deserves by being truthful.
You might find an attentive,loving more caring man if you give him what he deserves.
Don't tell me that you don't want to hurt him by telling him the truth, lying is only saving you not him.

Yes, I know you are right. I guess I'm just having such a hard time getting over what he has done to me to think much about her. I too contemplated suicide. I just wanted to die--literally. I figured I'm dead on the inside and just wanted the rest of me to go along with it. But, I know that there is some purpose for me somewhere--I just haven't figured out what it is yet.
I am the OW but I didn't want to be. The OM sucked me in with all his lies and deceipt. So, isn't it fair to say that her BH caused the damage? I am a party to it but you're making it sound like I instigated the A and I didn't. I loved the man so much I just believed everything he told me. I do wish that I could go back and make the right decisions.
She recovered from the first A. I mean, she married the guy again. I'm sure that the second A (with me, the same woman) was even more devestaing.
I tried to talk to the woman--I wanted to apologize and she wouldn't have any part of it.

Thank you for re-affirming the NC thing.
I will try your suggestions and see what happens.

DT (me) 43
BH 51
OM 56

DD 8/30/08
NC 10/23/08

I'm sorry. I was using the wrong abbreviation. I was meaning "extramarital affair" and now I realize EA is emotional affair. My mistake.
My husband works those hours because he is money hungry--always has been but what you said could be true as well. But, it's mainly for the money.
He's working today (Saturday) as a matter of fact and he leaves me stuck in this hell hole arm pit of the world place alone. I hate this place.
I know that what you guys are saying about this OM are all true and it has really helped me alot in opening my eyes about him. My feelings for him are fading--or beginning to but I think I am still in complete shock. That I trusted this guy more than anything in the world and he ended up just being a piece of crap.

Another thing that bothers me about my whole situation just came to mind.
My entire family (parents, brother, sister in law, daughter, aunt and uncle who is a pastor) all know about this A with OM. But, no one in his family--only the BS and his 2 grown children know about it. This really infuriates me. He didn't want to be embarrassed because get this--OM man is a Deacon at his church. He stopped going to church back in Oct. because "it didn't feel right" so he quit going.
Sometimes I want to just tell his family and hers too. I know this is stupid--I'm just venting. And, I would never do that--just getting it off my chest!!
I just can't help but feel that I've been treated so unfairly. I know that his BS was treated unfairly too and I do feel for her.
I don't know what this guy has but, it's definitely something, I just can't figure out what it is.
OM has been married to his wife for 34 years but said that he has really loved me for the last 18 years. How can someone say something like that? He said alot of horrible, terrible things about his BS to me and I was appauled by his statements. That should have told me something!!

Hi Dawn,

I'm a little late to the party but wanted to welcome you to MB, too. I saw your first post and, to be honest, I cringed, praying that you'd be able to handle the tough posts I anticipated were headed your way.

You have shown you are equally tough and seem to be remorseful even if you're frustrated and feeling like you're being treated unfairly.

Affairs are NEVER fair.

The best way to get revenge when wronged by anyone (justifiably or unfairly) is to "have a nice life". I know it's cliche and is easier to say than do, but think about it:

OM is scum. He probably knows it or will eventually. By your contacting him, you will harm yourself and start the NC clock over again.

Focus on you, your recovery, your future of wise choices. What efforts can you make that will positively affect where you're going, not drag along the devastating events of the past?

I know your frustration of wanting to make sure the AP's family knows what OM has done. My WH's OW was/is a teacher who was honored with high accolades. I SOOOOO badly wanted to write a letter to the editor of the major publication where she lives, revealing this imposter's true character. But I didn't.

Instead, I decided to focus on making a great life for my now-FWH and me....and the urge to bring her down decreases with every day.

My suggestion is that you read and re-read the previous posts to you so that you can internalize how destructive OM really was/is for you and how your bad choices played a part in what happened. Your infatuation with him should decrease quickly as you focus on your own life and how much better you are now that you've sought help, been welcomed in the midst of hurting BS's, and have received offers to help you recover.

Again, welcome, Dawn, and best wishes as you recover for yourself.

Ace

Maybe if you read up on Dr. Harley's work you will recognize that your H has a need for Financial support. But, of course, you believe he is money hungry and disrespect your H.



And why again did you HAVE TO move? And why did you have to move away from your family and friends?

Its alright to hate something, but, recognize why you are where you are and work on a plan in concert with your H to fix your marriage and recover from the A.