Thanks SD.

My answer to your question is simply "I don't know".

I'm dating for now and keeping it at that level. I can't say it won't grow from that because she is very actively making deposits into my bank and it is very nice to be treated so well by a woman.

I'm not use to it.

Proceed with caution.

I understand and agree with that - if you want the church's blessing you follow their rules. Agreed!

HOWEVER........ annulling a marriage to me says the marriage never existed and I think it's merely a loophole to wave a magic wand and say hey presto - you were never married and the Catholkic shurch does this because they do not sanction re-marriage even for the BS. I think it's a bit of a mockery myself.


I understand what you are saying. I just have a problem with saying a marriage never was.....


I have called the OM in our situation MANY things in the past 3 years - friend was not one of them. LOL.

Yes - he and then wife were in a group of friends that included his now wife and her first husband. He cheated many times on his first wife. They then hooked up and they both divorced their spouses. Both then got their first marriages annulled so they could remarry in the Catholic church.

Amazing how sometimes the only times people want to be at all religious is when they are born, marry or die.


They did get it and you are right - someone should have blown the whistle on them - or perhaps the church really didn't care or they pais enough cash to get the job done.


Yes we sure will find out on that day!

You know Pom - you may well be ready for a new relationship - but I'm pretty sure none of those women are.

The problem is right now that despite your intentions (or theirs) those yummy love chemicals can screw everything up.

Really those women are not available for dating right now - they're married. I can name cases of couples on this board that started dating when they thought that the marriage was over and gone only to reconcile - how do you think that affected their recovery?

Do you think it's wise to be in a relationship with someone who is essentially rebounding? Is it fair to either you or her?

You can not guarantee they will "return" to their XH's. I have not and will not.

Meh, To each his own. I am happy with my life. That is all that really matters to me anyway.

Let's throw this into the mix.

In my situation, the OW and her BH were married 10 years. She left him for my WH in August 2006. She started divorce proceedings in May of 2007. They are not yet divorced due to the slow process of our court system and HER delay tactics.

He is DONE with her and would sign the paperwork this very instant if he could.

The Harley recommended 1 year for every 5 was over in August of last year if you go by the separation date.

Like pom said, why is the BS chained to the wayward because of the paperwork?

It is a LICENSE - a LEGAL contract. If the commitment and intent to follow the contract is not there, it means nothing. Obviously, it was nothing to the wayward. Why then is the BS held hard and fast to it.

Is the OW BH supposed to be a martyr and sacrifice the rest of HIS life because his WW held the process up (while she is living with my WxH)?

I think there are contigencies to what seems a hard and fast rule that the BS MUST remain alone until the rubber stamp has been applied to the divorce proceedings.

There is one woman on this board who did not even know that her divorce was final - until she heard her WH had married the OW.

I don't think it is as black and white as some make it out to be.

Pom, you have to look inside yourself and decide what is right and wrong for you based on your own religious and moral values. Then stick to them. Now if dating STBD women is still within these values, you have to consider how suitable they might be with you.

Not everyone is going to feel or react the same way to every circumstance. Situations are different and people are different. What I'm more concerned with for you is that these women that bounce back easily may not have experienced the same pain as you did and might not understand the depth of it so much. Though today your pain level may be low or even non-existant, there are and will be triggers that affect you from time to time - even for years down the road. Is it important for you to have someone who can at least fathom this? Perhaps you can use these circumstances as indicators of their emotional makeup and how they may or may not be compatible with you? It's a pretty easy thing to put on a checklist.

I understand what you're saying. I'm proceeding with caution. I don't believe she has simply walked away as if it was nothing. She's been through her mourning process.

Or perhaps there is a little bit more of a delay in reacting.

I don't know.

What I do know is that my therapist told me to not get serious, date casually, and see where things go.

I think that's good advice.

I have had some triggers recently. All my triggers, however, revolve around the never ending litigation I'm embroiled in. I'm ready to move on with my life, but the ex is appealing everything since she doesn't like the outcome so far.

She wants more than child support. She wants support in general and isn't happy that the rulings so far are for less than what she wanted.

So I have to go back to court again and this has and continues to be a trigger that stresses me out more than anything.

My BP always shoots up at this stuff. So that may be her tactic. Keep me stressed till I keel over from a heart attack.

But this woman I've been seeing has been VERY understanding of it.

I really thought it would all be over right now, but guess I celebrated a little prematurely. I'll have to hold off till after it's over for real.

And one other thing Pom. It also depends on your own view of what dating is. If dating is an "interview for marriage" to you, then you better draw up a fairly strick list of requirements and stick to it. But if dating is simply going with someone of the opposite sex to somewhere interesting to do something fun for THAT EVENING with no further promises, then go on out and enjoy yourself. Just be upfront with each date so they know that your are not committed to any more than that particular date.

OK, but how long before you should start having sex?

Pom, before you get involved again, might be worth thinking a bit about what kind of woman you're attracted to.

It seems to me that your XWW was revealed as someone with a very limited capacity for commitment and intimacy, who checked out of the marriage as soon as she wasn't getting what she wanted.

The women you've been dating sound as if they've found it fairly easy to leave their marriage without much emotional effect. That MIGHT be down to the circumstances of the breakup, but if I were you I'd be asking myself if I had a tendency to be attracted to the kind of women who don't invest heavily in a relationship.

TA

Me, too.

The only other caution I can think of (and you're a bright and thoughtful enough guy that you've probably already considered it) is to make sure you're not using dates as a salve to your own triggers. Or at least keep it in mind. You're probably both doing it, at least a little bit, which is why you're supposed to proceed with caution.

One guy's opinion.

You mean there's a waiting period for that?

I've heard that as well. As a matter of fact I just heard it again last night in my Divorce Care class. For those of you who are going through a divorce or who are already divorced I'd highly reccomed finding a local group and going. It will put you in contact with a support group of people who can relate to what you're going through. It's a Christain based class and a lot of church's have them. You can locate a group at their website.

http://www.divorcecare.org/



If you were a marathon runner and had open heart surgery how long do you think it would be before you started jogging again? How about running a mile? What about a 26 mile marathon? It could possibly take years before your heart would be strong enough for you to be able to run a marathon again.

Divorce is open heart surgery on your emotions. It takes time to heal. Thats the idea behind waiting to date. To give yourself time to heal. The longer you were married the longer it's going to take to heal. On the divorce care video I watched last night several counselors and doctors with lots of letters behind their name said that they can't count how many times someone has come into their office after a divorce for counseling. They don't wait to start dateing and 5 years later their right back in their office and wonder why.



I think that's another subject all together... But the short answer for me is... After I'm married again. (If that ever happens)

Have they spent YEARS reading and posting on MB, though? I think some people can and do address their issues and don't go into the next relationship as blind as they did the first. The divorce is not the magic breaking point.

I'm a member of Divorce Care. Been through it. Twice.

Good program.

And it's been 3 years for me. I've made huge strides in my healing the last year especially.

The only thing that stirs the pot is the continuing litigation.

I do have certain criteria for what I'm looking for in a woman and I'm looking out for it.

Not liking the outcome won't help her in an appeal. The only thing that get addressed in an appeal is whether there were any "errors" made in the trial by the trial judge and ONLY those are addressed. This won't be a retrying of the case.

Appeals are won occassionally, but there has to be really good grounds. Most appellate courts tend to stick with the original verdict unless there is obvious legal error or the judge is a total flake.

Or the experience and clarity that comes from a nice long Plan B?

princessmeggy,

Thanks for the insight. I'm not sure what this process is going to be. I think they will scrutinize whether or not the Master made an error or not.

The fact is that he didn't, at least on her end. But arguing that he did is really all they have at this point.

I looked at the big picture despite a few things in his opinion that I didn't agree with.

But who knows how things will go.

This isn't an appellate court. It's a Master and the appeal is to a judge.

So a judge has to decide if what the Master did was in error or not.

I'm guessing here. I'm going to be without a lawyer soon, so who knows. She may explain it to me before her exit, if they permit her to bow out.

The law can be pretty nutty sometimes.