Ah yes, exactly right. I have told my W that I do not need her but I want her. I have told her that I am there for her no matter what and I would like her to be there for me, but she has to decide that freely.

I knew the moment I hit submit that I'd made an error.
We're on the same wavelength about this.

Have you ever read the book, Getting the Love You Want?

[quote=rustyshackelford
I have told my W that I do not need her but I want her. I have told her that I am there for her no matter what and I would like her to be there for me, but she has to decide that freely. [/quote]

I don't fully like the sounds of this sentiment; Are you really there for her 'no matter what'? You mean you have no boundaries about what you will put up with?. You say you would like her to 'be there for you but she has to decide that freely.' What does 'freely' mean? Of her own free will, not due to any boundary-setting on your part?

I think that her coming home and telling you about how many other women he has had and her telling whether or not she is hurt by his statements borders on an inappropriate conversation for you to be having with her. I do not know the detail of the conversation, but it does sound a little like a conversation she may have with a best female friend. I am not saying it was wrong to have this conversation with her, but in light of how she seems to view you as a confidant who can here about how she "bent over in a patient's room" and what POSOM said about it, I would just think carefully about your boundaries with her; You are not her confidant, you are her BH.

No, that does not mean there is no boundaries, what it does mean is being realistic. They are a person who will choose to come back to you or not. You cannot force them into it.

She told me about it because for the first time she has started to see who he is and what she has given up for him. She told me she must have been stupid to risk her job family and all that for him.

rs, the point is that if she is not including that in a speech to you about how she is giving him up and returning to you, it IS inappropriate for her to tell you this stuff. It's your responsibility to tell her "I do not want to hear about your adultery. Please respect me enough to do that."

See that is the difference I see. There are healthy boundaries and then there is the refusal to listen to anything unless they have thrown up the white flag. I feel that if she starts stating how she is beginning to think she might have messed up and I dont want to hear even that, then what is she likely to do? I have seet my boundaries with not wanting to hear about him and she has learned in the last few days to start respecting them.

Look, if I play this too cold like there are too many suggesting, then she will never want to come home. I have to have boundaries and be strong so that she respects me, but I am also there for her when she desperately needs me. If nothing else, then it makes it much harder on her if I have to go to plan B.

While I never hit my W, I was very mean and critical to her a lot. I was definitely not someone anyone would want to be married to. I contributed to this a LOT but the decision to exit the marriage in a vile way was completely up to her.

Listening to your partner open up to you about things that hurt them is an EN is it not? DR. Harley says to meet any emotional need that you can and that they will let you. I have not read from him any exceptions to that rule.

The bottom line is that I do not see her saying that this might have been a mistake as on the wrong side of my boundary line.

I don't think I have.

It is a psychological look at why we choose the people we do. Since I am a psychology lovin kind of guy it has been super interesting. I got it and read it twice in 4 days. If you are into that stuff, it is definately a good read.

In light of the things that have happened in the past few days this might be a good time to initiate some contact and make subtle efforts to start meeting her EN's.

Don't take a dive off the high board, but instead, stick your toe in the water and test it. See if she'll meet you for an informal dinner with the kids. Express to her there is a safe way home for her if she's ready.

Shoot for an affable, friendly outing, and evaluate her as best you can. How long has she endured NC? You might see some glimpses of the W before the fog. This will clue you in so far as how to progress.

You are doing fine; the affair is not. This is how the plan works!

Stay strong.

Added to what SD said, try to pick a night where you know she might be available. Then let her know that you and the kids are thinking about going to XYZ restaurant...and ask if she would like to come.

Then take the kids there anyway! First off, it will be good for you and the kids, even if she doesnt come.

Second, it will be public and a safe place for her to come.

Third, even if she doesnt come, the kids will let her know that they went (and she thus getting the idea that she missed out).

It might take a few invitations like that to get her to jump in.

It will take a slow steady hand right now!

Thanks guys. The little problem with that is that she has the kids 1/2 time and I have them 1/2 time right now. When I have them, she is at work...so the only way to invite her somewhere like that is to try to go on a night she has the kids. If I have to go to plan B later, the schedule for the kids will have to change. Right now I get them M T then she has then R F and then me F S S and then the next week it flips.

Yesterday I had her come over to D7 bday party. She wasnt the same as when she usually comes over, she was a little down and withdrawn. She started to talk to me a couple times outside and a kid would come over. Oh well, she is not ready to come back right now and I am running a stealth campaign at work to see if I can actually get something done.

ETA: I also arranged a surprise party for D7 at school today and invited WW.

Well, WW and I went to the school together and then to eat afterward. Things went pretty good.

My question is this: IF she really hates OM now and all because of everything going on at work, everybody knows, etc...and they have even been talking to her about what a scumbag OM is, when will or will she ever start to think about wanting to come home? Will she ever see the M as something good she can come back to? She says how bad it was and all that stil, just fog talk still? Just wondering how long I have to wait for her to start making some sense.


P.S. I am still working on getting her or OM fired or too ashamed to stay at the job. I call different numbers every couple of days at varying hours to just tell whoever happens to answer the phone that I think everyone should know they are having an A and all that kind of stuff. That they have been persuing it at work, blah blah blah( this has actually turned into a rumor that they had sex AT work) lol. Because as I see it, until one of them doesnt work there any more, the A is still ongoing.

Shakes MAGIC 8 Ball


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lol.


The biggest obstical I have to overcome is being a better person to make her want to come home. I have learned that I am exactly like my FIL and that scares the crap out of her. The difference is that I am changing and he never would. Thats why MIL left him. FIL was almost exactly like me and MIL was almost exactly like WW. The difference was that MIL joined a cult in the early 80's and left her H and after a few months got out of the cult. Those Californians will do just about anything. lol j/k. MIL said that she still after 30 years loved him and if he would have changed, she would have went back to him. I think WW is waiting to see what happens to me. Does that make any sense? She has told me that she is afraid if we work on the M then in 2 years it will be the same. I would not allow that. I have a vision of what we could be, a vision of the way I could feel in a real loving R with my W.

Oh well, for right now she is still living with her mom and is moving in with a girlfriend in about 3 weeks. This girl drives WW nuts when she is around her too long. Guess I need to fluff WW's pillow for her.

:RollieEyes:

You know I live in Lotus Land don'cha?



Plan A squared

LOL.

The W's family is from Santa Barbara. FIL still lives there. He has tried to push me around the whole time because he has money and my MIL has lived life broke. Oh well, he will get his in the end.

What's plan A squared mean?

double your efforts


or

I love the spoiler box feature

go out of your comfort zone

write her poetry
bake her something delicious
have a yummy sandwich delivered to her
plan a picnic
buy concert tickets
make her a CD of love songs
open doors for her
buy her a comforter
send her for a manicure pedicure

Just not begging her to come home is out of my comfort zone. lol.

I have started doing a lot of things for her I never did before, opening doors for her all of the time now is a big one. Funny how when you get comfortable you forget the little things.

If I can come up with the extra cash, I will send her to get a massage, she loves that a LOT.


Thanks for some extra ideas, though. May come in handy.