Guys, hogfan is PAST the point of seeking intelligence or attempting R with his WW. He has seen her for what she is and how she has treated him. At this point, he is just coming here to vent while his attorney puts the finishing touches on his complaint seeking divorce and custody of his children.

Personally, I think he is taking the proper course of action now. He has to remain cordial, etc. to WW until he can get her served and hopefully removed from the marital home, while he keeps custody of his children.

At this point, he needs our support by allowing him to vent here over his WW's continued disrespect, while he remains "James Bond Cool" in her presence. I would like to see his attorney moving a little faster on this, but hogfan is comfortable with his attorney, therefore, so am I at this point.

Yeah, it is to late for notes. That may be fun to put that on the notes. May try it. And I agree somewhat she may wake up when she is on the verge od divorce, but somedays I wonder. With that said I still feel like I have to stay my course on this.

Thanks Myrev. Your comments help me stay the course. I see alot of people still wanting me to try and recover my M. But in my eyes at this moment my ww is to far out in left field for thta to happen. Will she come running back when papers are served Maybe. But In my heart I feel like it will not be sincere just liek the first time. Maybe it would be for a couple of months, but how long would it be until I am on this road again. I deserve better than what she has been giving.

ITA.

'Sides, who wants a spouse that refuses to act like a grown up? HF HAS children. He doesn't need another one.

I agree and I have told her over and over that she is not 16 any longer. She will reply I am 40, but I am not dead. Whatever that is supposed to mean.

Funny.

Not.

That's the same thing VD says when we tell her we'd rather she used her visitation with the kids instead of dumping them on a sitter and going out on her weekends.

Wayturds and OPs are all the same.

that is just an example of some of the comments I get from her all of the time. I am so tired having tried to salvage may marriage/relationship and getting bullsh@# like that. Along with comments of I will never find anyone that fits my mold of a wife (whatever that is supposed to mean) or I will never find a cokkie cutter wife (shatever that is supposed to mean). I jsut played it cool all weekend long. Did not say much. She picks up on that because all weekend it was baby this, and baby that. What are you doing baby. Blah, Blah, Blah. When I am not around she is always wondering. My company cut off my company cell phone and I am going to have to get me one of my own. My ww asked me if I was going to get one and add it to her account. I told her no, I was going to get my own account. She seemed to not like that very much. I am sure she wants me to put one on her account so she can see what I am doing. Strange that she would not want me to get my own huh?

Just curious, but you frequently mention the shower situation...you always reference it as she TRIES to get in the shower with you -- but you never really say if she DOES and if you are continuing a sexual relationship with her.

And you are always referencing her as if she is crazy not to pick up on your stance.

I have to say in her defense, that you are probably sending out a lot of mixed signals.

If you are truly DONE -- stop with the shower, reject the notes, and let her know where you stand.

I do not let her get in the shower. I get out as soon as I hear her open the door. I have told her I am done. I have not told her that I have filed. I want it to be served at work and shock her. The only signal that I am sending out is that I am done and that I am detaching from her. She detached from me over a year ago and now I am working on that as well. No sexual relationship at this time, and it has been a while.

Hogfan,
From your description of your WW's behavior and cake eating, I think she is a prime candidate for a total meltdown when she gets served. Have you mentally prepared yourself for the possibility that she is going to come begging, pleading, and crying to you to give her another chance? Are you ready in case she starts makings all these promises about how she'll change, be a better wife, blah blah blah? I can tell you from first hand experience how hard it is not to crumble in that situation.

You are faced with someone you used to love, crying and begging for a second chance, and its extremely easy to sacrifice yourself again based on the idea of how they used to be. I caved the first time and allowed her to stay. She made all sorts of promises that she never followed up on and I spent the next 18 months trying to tear down the web of lies she had erected, only to find she was cheating again because I required an honesty she wouldn't give. If I could give any good advice to you, I would suggest that you not act out of emotion on D-day. Your gut is telling you its time to divorce. Trust it.

hogfan,

Listen to Andrew here. He is one of the BH's here that will be completely honest with you and share the benefit of his own experiences with someone VERY similar to your WW.

His situation is VERY similar to yours and I'm sorry I didn't think of calling out to him sooner. He too, was reluctant to take action at first, but then he saw his WW for what she really was and took the difficult, but necessary, actions to move forward towards a better future. If you get the time, its probably worth your while to read his story and learn from his experiences as they relate to your own.

Hang tough for another few days.

I caved in the first time with OM1. I had packed my bags and was pulling out of the driveway when she came running out promising all sorts of things. I even sat with our pastor while she mad all kinds of promises. I can show you email after emial of her telling me all sorts of things. She asked me for another chance after OM1 telling me all sorts of things like what a terrible she made, and how she would never do anything liek it again. I struggled for a long time knowing she was still working with OM1. I knew in my gut taht she had not quit with him and if I had it to do over again I would have kept driving the first night. We separated for a couple of weeks with her claiming she was trying to figure out why she did what she did and why she had let her gurad down. During that 2 weeks there was instances where she called OM1 and could not be found, my gut tells me that she was with him that night. There was instances that I have on video where her and OM1 were in the parking lot at working and it looks to me like she was chasing him like a lost puppy dog. There is no way that I will back down if she comes crawling after she is served. Just look at what she was doing while trying to figure out what she did the first time. This time she has taken it to a totally different level. My final decision was based on the decisions that she makes, like drinking and driving again. Putting everyone at risk. Noone deserves to be treated that way.

I am trying to hang as tuff as I can. It is very hard not to play my hand when I am around WW. That is part of the reason that I just try to ignore that she is around. I try to focus on the kids, and what needs to be down for them.

Well, WW jsut sent me another one of her emails. "Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you" "Hope you are not working to hard". "I love you". I winder if she does this right after texting John. I wonder how much she will be thinking about me and loving me after she is served.

It's nice to see you finally taking a stand. Hooray for HF!

Oh, and be VERY prepared for a lot of the following from your WW:

Please do not let the venom she spews or the tears she cries dissuade you from your decision. I cannot really help you, as I have never been in your shoes or situation, but if you feel tempted to do something because, say, she was crying because she was served--come here first.

The vets here can offer you the venting grounds and advice you need so that you don't fall sway to tears.

I need some help with something that happened this morning. What is the best way to handle this sitch?

I still sleep in the bed with WW because it is my bed as well and if I go sleep in another room I'm afraid it will tip my hand. Well this morning the alarm went off at 4:45AM as normal. After the alarm went off my WW rolled over and started rubbing on me and touching me in ways that she used to if you knwo what I mean. What I did was ask her what she was doing. She said loving on you. I said why? She said because you like it. (In my mind I was thinking I used to like it) then she said it has been a long time. I said I know. She asked if I wanted to well you know. I was stunned. I told her that there was not enoguh time and it really was not because I have to get the kids up and ready for school. So I got up and started getting the kids ready for school. She did not seem to be upset or angry. Did I handle this sitch right? Where did this come from? Why all of a sudden the wanting intimacy. I have also noticed that she is not texting at night. She puts her phone in her purse and that is where it stays. When I got to work this morning there was a message on my phone agian. Any thought on this. How do I handle it if it happens again? I really believe that when she is served things will get crazy.

Seems like it would be a good time to discuss OM. "Why would I want to SF with you if you're doing it with OM, too? That's disgusting." See what she says. Maybe she's considering coming back, and this is her way of telling you.

Respectfully, I disagree.

She knows Hogfan is pulling away, and she is reeling him back.

If he were to come back now, she would go back to the way she was.

I agree that she is trying to pull me back. the thing is how can she ever be trusted by me again? My gut is telling me that she would immediately go right back to doing what she was as soon as she saw that I was OK with things. she did it once before after OM1. It took 6 months, but she went right back to chasing OM. How long would it take this time. I am sure she would keep on with the notes, messages, but my gut tells me that it would be just to keep me strung along and off her trail. I also beleive that she is not texting at night in the house because they have taken the A way underground or OMW is putting pressure on him? Any thoughts. Myrev what are your thoughts on what happened this morning.

I didn't say he should take her back. I just said I think that's what she may be doing - seeing what she's about to lose. Maybe comparing the two of them.