Can you help me with this? I'm not a computer wiz, so please guide me to the thread or provide me with the link. Thanks.

And yes, I'm not far from giving up, but this forum and other support members haven given me the strength and hope that I'm "simply" dealing with the fog of a WW, and that it's not my wife I'm dealing with, but a Satan-oppressed enemy. I concluded that a couple days ago and after I took away the checkbook and credit, I smashed my 5-week 3.5-hour sleep record and slept 7 hours. I'm starting to sleep finally.

Scared,
I do not think that the things you said to your WW are love busters. I would focus on exact behaviors rather than using vague terms--rather than 'your actions are inappropriate' I would say something like 'you are married to me and made vows with me, not OM.' Telling her you will not finance her affair is not a love buster; If she were back acting like your real wife, how would that real wife feel if you told her, 'I will not finance your affair.'? She would smile and say, 'I would hope not!!'--right?

Things that you say in a calm voice to the wayward that point out the reality of their actions are not love busters.

To look at mortarman's posts, try going back to one of his posts to you--then click on his name that appears in the left hand column. A few options should come up--one says something like 'view posts'. click on that and you should be able to page back to his old posts. Start with the earliest one that you can find that does not have a 're' in front of it--in other words, a thread that he started rather than a thread that he responded to.

You and mortarman can talk about what he believes you can do through your faith to re-claim your wife. I just want to throw in my two cents as a non-believer. (I am a formerly betrayed, not a wayward.) If you talk to your wife about your thoughts of her being controled or used by the devil, I don't think this will help your situation with her. Others may disagree and so be it.

Not unless they specifically ask.
Just the comment about not allowing "any other man" to pick up the kids.
They will figure it out.

Be sure to document who you speak to.

Do the kids have passports? If they do, take them and put them in a safety deposit box.

You may want to rent a post office box AND a safety deposit box.

Why? She won't take them anywhere.

So she can't.....remember, she's doing lots of things that she "wouldn't" do if she were in her right mind. Right now, she's been hit by a bout of stupidity. It's to quietly make it that much harder for her to live in her insanity. If they have passports and you move them, say nothing - do it quietly.

FYI - it's 11:00 and she's still not home yet. She told my son yesterday that she didn't know when she'd be home and that she'd tell her lawyer that she didn't want to come home because she didn't want to have an argument in front of his friend who was staying over. In other words, she planned on not coming home.

Another interesting note. I received a call from WW's uncle this morning that WW's mother (the MIL) was in the hospital emergency room since last night at 9:00. I immediately called WW to let her know, but she said she already knew last night, but then also commented about not having her cell phone, or else, they would have known her number. I got pi$$y and hung up one her and then called and left a VM that if she didn't have the adulterous affair that she would still have her cell phone. She beginning to get nasty and blowing me off entirely. I think she also believes its OK now that she can have the A because its out in the open and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. There are no consequences in PA.

There ARE consequences, and that is why she is getting pissy. Everytime you put a dent in her plans, she will get pissy. But, the thing to remember here is that if it all works, she will THANK YOU for bringing her home to you and the kids.

Women are attracted to a man that will stand up for them, fight for them, and who will rescue them when they are that damsel in distress. Your wife is spiraling in the damsel world, and you need to be the hero and save her.

Take the kids passports and hide them. Get rid of the car. Hide things that are of value while you are at it. Jewellery, coins, etc.

When I found about my XH's affair, I packed up our home and put everything we owned into storage. XH was mad, and told me he wanted these things returned to him (a letter from his lawyer listed what I was to return... it was everything that was of any value) I refused to allow him access to the storage unit. Not until he was ready to come home for good.

In the meantime, I lived with my sister and her family. In that time, I started to dig and found out I had been duped far longer then originally thought. I was lied to throughout the entire marriage. It was in this time that my love for XH went right out the window and I decided without a doubt that I was done with him.

A mutual friend came up to me one night because he needed to talk. He told me XH was unhappy, with his choices, and regrets what had happened. I told friend it was not my concern anymore. I didn't care. Friend flat out asked me if "it was done and over" and I replied very firmly, "yes"

I hated XH too much to stick it out. He left me for someone he knew not even a month and that hurt. I knew there was better for me out there, so I jumped ship... and I found it.

But, even after everything that happened, XH wanted to come back. I pissed him off to no end, many, many times. I called his parents and told them about his affair (he had moved in with his parents...)and he ended up moving out of their home within the week. I called all of our friends and told them. (some still abandoned me in all of it, but meh, if that is the type of friend they are, I don't want em)

I called his boss, and he told me that everyone already knew as he just up and told them he left me one day and that he had "moved on and met this nice girl" Moron that he is, forgot that just the month prior, he was telling everyone about how happy we were and that we were gonna start to have kids. His co-workers are not stupid.

WH told me if I kept telling people about his affair that he was going to change his mind about coming home. I quote, "You better stop talking to my friends about what is going on. Things like that will definitely make me not want to come home after all"

Funny, but he DID want to come home and asked his friend to be the go-between. When I said it was over, XH suddenly wanted his own car insurance, to give me back the truck that had been in MY name that I let him drive (he paid the insurance, but this was a huge mistake on my part. The other car had needed some work. He would not have had a vehicle if I had put my foot down, but I was too scared. This is why I am telling YOU to do it. Get rid of her car. Leave her without it.)By this point, he had been living with OW for nearly five months and things weren't looking so rosy.

In the end, I did not want XH back, so I did not do much to try and end the affair. As far as I know right now, it still continues, and my divorce is one week finalized. You need to put a dent in her affair now, or you will be two years down the road and she'll still be with OM and cake-eating with you.

End it now! Do as they all tell you here!

Oh, and as for her not being home. Document this. Then, pack up the kids and take them out for the day. Take them skating, sledding, anywhere but there.

When WW gets home and the house is empty, and you guys are gone for the day, she will be furious. Take advantage of her "nights away" and get in quality time with the kids as well.

WW arranged for the kids to sleep over at a friend's house, so she spent the night with OM again. That's 2 times in 3 days. I'm certain she planned to stay with OM the entire time.

I also recovered and printed cell phone records which show all her activity with OM since right around Labor Day weekend, and I even plotted it on a graph. I showed it to my kids and explained why I took away the cell phone.

I contacted OM's boss again (since I exposed to him about 2 - 3 weeks ago). He remembered me when I called. While they didn't approach OM about it, his boss spoke to his manager and they're keeping an eye out on him. I told him I have cell phone records showing that he's goofing off during company time. Unfortunately, OM has been a good employee for 15 years, but the boss appeared sympathetic, as he's been married 15 years with 2 kids.

I just learned that OM has keys to the gym, so they get there at 5 am, do their thing in the back for a half an hour, and then enter the gym area when the next person arrives. I plan to meet with the gym owner and expose. I can't believe I didn't expose to him earlier, but I also wasn't really aware of the early am business going on until recently.

I have just employed my neighbors across the street to keep an eye out for things. It turns out that the hawk next door has been spying on me for months. I staged a conversation outside my house and suddenly their window opened. I talked about how I was going to move all her stuff into storage one day next week when WW is at work and the kids are in school. Maybe that wasn't a good idea, but I was testing to see if they're spying on me. These folks next door have binoculars by their windows and the curtains move every time I come and go. It's sick and my other neighbors hate them for it, so they're glad to help me out. They've even caught them spying on them .... at least once. I'm sure that they notified WW and that she purposely moved certain items next door. I think she grabbed all that jewelry my mother gave her in fear that I'd take it, since I already grabbed the wedding ring.

Yesterday morning, WW carried a bunch of stuff over to their house. Oh, and the hawk and her H both left their families for each other about 30 years ago, and none of their children (total of 7) from their first marriages have contacted them since. Great people for WW to confide in, eh?

My love for WW is fading and my anger is mounting. I imagine this is normal.

Also, I think I was served the D papers yesterday. The mailman brought a piece of certified mail from WW's attorney, but I didn't sign it, so he left with it. I'm sure that the hawk next door observed this. They usually retrieve their mail before the mailman even makes it to my house next door. So they must have seen him get out of the truck and come to the door, and subsequently walk away with the package he was supposed to deliver. If / when I receive this package, I plan to leave it on the table (or wherever it was left) and NOT open it. Just let it sit there and fester. Do you agree with this?

When you get served you'll know...

It's usually done by a sheriff's deputy. They have to hand them to you personally. Not by certified mail.

You need to get some confidence back. A first step to that might be changing your user name. Get rid of that "scardy cat step and fetch for your wayward wife" name. You can do that by clicking on the tab at the top of the page that say's "my stuff" and then "My profile" Once you're there you can change your display name to anything you want.


You could change it to something that show's your MANLINESS ... BOLDNESS... CONFIDENCE... STREANGTH. Come up with something you like, something fun or something that means somethign to you. An old nickname perhaps. I have a million of them from my past. That's where mine came from... old salts and shipmates used to call me Amazin... Kool Aide... Tuna Man... Charlie the Tuna... and most recently Gunny... (A reference to my High and Tight hair cut)

I'm sure the other poster's here would love to give you some Idea's...

Maybe somthing funny like....

IStep&Fetch4No1

Dogs&Cats

Hufalumps&Woozls

MadAboutYou

BangersAndMash (Definately a British Name)

BabbleBack

FogBuster

FallingDown

PickUrSelfUp

DustYourselfOff

TryAgain

FailureIsAnFWord

NewRulesIRule

IRuleTheRoost

MyWayOrTheHiway

WalkLikeAMan

Miles0Toole

IwearThePants

HowDidIGetHere

HickFromDaSticks

SameAsItEverWas

ContentsUnderPressure

PullMyFinger

OMGWhatsThatSmell

OopsIDidItAgain

AreUSerious

ItsPickledEggs

AreUPullingMyLeg

ILikeBeans

AreUKiddingMe

IWouldnt$h|tU

WhyNot

UrMyFavoriteTurd


or maybe somthing that shows some confidence like....

EmperorOfMB

ImInControl

ImInCharge

LargeAndInCharge

MBWarriorKing

TakeNoPrisoners

SunTzu

LookEmInTheEye

HeadUpChestOut (Tha MiMi-ism)

HoldUrHeadHigh



Ok... I've thrown enough mud up on the wall I figure somethings gotta stick.

And you needed a good laugh .... It's good medicine for the soul... And it's the cure for broken hearts

Yeah, you were just getting a letter from the lawyer's office. I got a few of those in the beginning (not sent certified though) My letters came from the lawyer accusing me of stalking XH (apparently, he told his lawyer I was driving through the parking lot at the ball field during his games; I worked the nights he had ball and it listed all of the items he wanted from our home. Anything with value basically; I was to keep things that could not be sold or hawked for cash) Anyway, I refused to comply.

Your letter is probably saying the same thing. Leave WW alone, don't tell people about what is going on, don't "threaten" to take away her phone, etc. Basically, it is a scare tactic by her lawyer to get you to follow "her rules" for her affair.

File it under bull****.

When you are served, a process server will come to deliver the letter. They will ask for identification, and in most cases, be carrying a photo of you. There will be no refusal of this letter.

As Amazin said, you'll know.

With some guidance from Amazin, I changed my name from scared1 to MunnyGuy. I'm not scared, but I will say that I'm starting to enter my angry phase. Thankfully, I'm out of the big-time-hurt phase, but I have my moments which are sparked mostly from jealousy and anger. I still am concerned about the welfare of my children, but I wouldn't characterize it as scared.

Anyway, a couple questions for you vets out there.

1. My WW's affair essentially started about 5 months ago, gaining intensity after September. D-Day was Nov 23, and she's already filed for D. We've been married for 16+ years w/ 2 kids, and she's claiming she's been unhappy for years. Is this normal activity of a WW to file so quickly?

2. WW spent the night at OM's 2 of the last 3 nights, and thinks nothing of it, claiming we're already separated, even though we live in the same house and I've received nothing from a lawyer. She is trying to completely avoid me - when I'm home, she either leaves the house or goes to her room upstairs (shares with DD13, who doesn't like her loss of privacy since WW "moved in"). WW was having an emotional moment because her mother may be dying, and she quickly backed away and said "don't do that" when I was going to give her a hug. She seems to have gone into a mode where she is totally repulsed by me. Is this normal?

Some of this behavior impacts my hope of a return of the real W I married a bunch of years ago, but also further reinforces the fog she is in. My children have also noticed that she's never around, and does very little around the house. And yes, I'm documenting every day's activities.

She just started working full time for the first time in 15 years. Reality should soon set in. I didn't sell the car yet, but took it to a couple dealerships to get some offers. She noticed I took it, and that was shortly after I told her that if she didn't start paying for some of the expenses around here, that I would sell her car to reimburse myself. I also asked if she wants to reimburse me for the car insurance or find her own. She's afraid I would cancel the car insurance without notice like I did with the cell phone. That I wouldn't do because it doesn't make fiscal sense. I'd at least give her a couple days notice.

How do you know she's filed for divorce? Because she told you?

Have you been served? If and when you are served you will be served by a sherif's deputy or a process server in person. Not by certified mail. If that hasn't happend then I would question whether or not she's even filed for divorce. I sure wouldn't believer her until you've been served divorce papers.

Exactly how Amazin said it. If you have not been served by another person (not the mailman) she has not filed.

Besides, where'd she get the money to file for divorce anyway? I am willing to bet she holds out in hopes YOU do it, as it can get quite costly.

She borrowed $5K from her mother at Thanksgiving. She told me that she filed, and also indicated that it was cheaper if she did it before year-end because rates went up as of Jan 1. I was also told that a sheriff was NOT required, but I don't recall where and how reliable that source was.

You're right ... A sheriff is not required.

When I filed for divorce in my first marriage I needed to get my wife served quickly. I'm sure my lawyer used a process server.

The sheriff isn't required. But they can serve you. If you haven't been served papers by a person then you haven't been served. You won't know for sure that she's filed until you've been served.

She's been decieving you for months... Why do you choose to believe her about borrowing money, fileing for divorce or anything else she SAYS?

Actions... Thats what's real.

If she filed ... she filed... but she can't have a court hearing without you being served. And the mail man can't do it. It has to be someone who .... if nessasary can testify that they gave you the papers... I.E. A sheriffs deputy, or a process server.

I entered this into a new post, but was recommended to stay with the same thread, so I've copied it here.

Well, last night was the pinnacle of my hurt and anger since D-day of Nov 23. When I cut off her cell phone on Dec 30, she bought a newer, fancy one the next day with her own plan. For the past few months (even before D-day), she has been very secretive and NEVER let her cell phone out of her sight.

Well, last night she had it sitting in the center of the kitchen table, so I was checking it out and playing with it, admiring it's cool features. Well, then I noticed that the screen had this big red heart with OM's name. Oh, and both of my children (son 14+, and daughter 13) have also seen the screen at some point in the last week.

She just started working full time last Friday (for the 1st time in 15 years), still goes to the gym at 5 am, so this is going to eventually catch up to her.

OK, back to the phone last night. When I saw that, I freaked. I told her that she was flaunting it and while she was at the store with my daughter, I sent her numerous text messages saying that she was cruel, abusive, that she was trying to make me hate her, and if she thought that was funny, I hope she's still laughing. I also said that she really hurt me, and hasn't she done that enough?

When she returned about an hour later, I told her that it was time for her to move out so she could be with her OM. She said she wasn't going to leave and that she'd leave it up to the courts. I reminded her that she said last month that she was planning to leave as soon as she had enough money to pay first and last month's rent. I told her I'd give her the money so she could go. Again, she said she was leaving it up to the courts.

So, now she's squatting (essentially free loading) in my house with my children. I've been trying to do Plan A, but she doesn't give me the opportunity to satisfy any ENs. I made dinner for the family last night for when she returned home from work, but she didn't say a single word the entire time, but helped clean up. She couldn't wait to get up from the dinner table.

Right now, I want to be done doing anything nice and I don't even want to see her or speak to her, and want to quit doing any of the little chores around the house that I've been doing almost exclusively for the past month or so, which used to be her "job" as the housewife when I was the sole worker.

It's 5 am and she just left for the gym. Neither one of us said "good morning", which had usually been initiated by me. We didn't even acknowledge each other, and she was looking for something from this computer desk as I'm writing this post. Right before she got up, I chose to use her bathroom (probably the first time ever, as it's one of 3 in the house) to take my morning constitutional and the after-effect wasn't pretty. She uses that bathroom to get ready for 10 minutes before going to the gym, so I'm sure it was still lingering. I also took an extra long shower this morning and even allowed the hot water to run for another 5 minutes, so there'd be no hot water when it was her turn at 7:00. I suppose that these might be LBs, but I don't care at this moment. I'm entering an anger stage and I would say that I almost hate her right now. But I still want reconciliation and to save this family. How's that for being confused? On another post, someone made mention of the 180. I'm not sure what that is, and it seems to conflict with Plan A.

Sorry for the long post. I just got very emotional again. What should I do now? I don't exactly know what Plan B is, what the 180 plan is, and how would you implement Plan B if the WW is still living in the house?

MG,

I'm guessing this is your thread from now on. Stick to one!

Read my advice on the other one as well.

Listen, leaving to go sleep with other man is a serious slap in the face at you. How does a MAN respond to his wife leaving to go sleep with another man?

This is where you have to man up!

If she leaves, then you change the locks and put all her crap on the front door in trash bags.

She wants to go and screw around and have you pay for her home, her gas, her car?

Come on!

Don't be emasculated!

Be a man!

What have you done about the car? Is she driving around uninsured? Sell it already and keep all the proceeds for yourself. You are not obligated to give her half and IMO that would make you look sort of foolish. Don't offer her a chance to buy the car from you either. Once you've let the cat out of the bag she will hide the car keys or worse and then you've blown the opportunity to nuke her A from that angle without a lot more work being involved. Use the stick!