You are so right. OM's qualities aren't what one should want and I wouldn't be with him now that I see his true colors. I was blind--and stupid.
I did do it to my BS but I will never be that selfish and stupid again.

That was great advice. Thanks--I-m still reading and may be improving. I appreciate it.

Just an interesting tid bit...I was reading over some other posts and something triggered this and I thought I would put it out there.
OM's father (dead now) but years ago (after OM and his sisters were grown) had an A on OM's mother. Om's father divorced his wife and married his OW the day their divorce was final!!
Does anyone see any weirdness in this? Maybe it's genetic? lol--just kidding.
I just thought that was a little interesting fact.

Not weird at all. Abuse runs in cycles that way too.

Nothing weird about it. Just another sad case of someone being thoughtless, selfish and hurtful. MY FWH's dad was a cheater and all around loser that walked away from his M and young children. Part of me always foolishly thought that would be reason enough that my H would never cheat and destroy his own family. So much for that...

There's nothing genetic about it. Waywards have a choice.

I don't know, what about you and your family?

Anything interesting facts there?


So, how do you plan on accomplishing this?

You weren't able to do it with the first H with this guy. How are you going to be able to do it with this H?

As far as I know, no one else in my family has ever done this. And, yes, I have done this before as you so much like to keep bringing up but I have made a promise to myself that I will not do it again. I have promised myself and my BS that I will always have more respect for myself and for him to never even think about doing this again.
I just thought it was sort of interesting...

It's going to take a lot more than a few promised words to demonstrate your sincerity when just days ago you were gushing about how OM was Mr. Wonderful. Your BH knows you have broken sacred vows twice and that you probably would have been out the door if OM hadn't dumped you. You are still foggy dawn. Don't expect BH to take anything you say with anything more than a grain of salt.

What extreme precautions are you taking?

Will you ever see or talk or communicate in any way with OM again?

I wonder what your 1st H would think if he knew about your 2nd A with the OM.

As has been pointed out, it'll take MUCH more than a promise to yourself that you won't do this again.

I know it is going to take more than me just telling myself that it will not happen again. Instead of my dwelling on why all this happened I am not concentrating on my marriage and my BS and what I can do to make things better. It is going to take a great deal of time but I can tell that things are improving a little. I am still unhappy in my current "place of residence" but I'm trying to make the best of it and be positive--it's hard sometimes though.
The extraordinary precautions that I've taken are: I've moved over 500 miles away from OM, changed my email address, changed my cell phone #, have no home phone # (using only cell phones) and NC. Are there other precautions you can provide me? Is there a section here on MB about extraordinary precautions? I looked for that but did not see it.
At this point I do not want to talk to or contact OM and can't see that I ever would again. I'm coming out of the "fog" so to speak about him and my feelings have changed dramatically concerning him--thanks to you guys and MB. His BS can have him and they can live however they want to. Not my concern anymore.
BTW--that "inappropriate thought" tip really worked for me.

I found the "Extraordinary precautions". I have read them before and I reviewed them again. I am doing these things and growing more and more comfortable and satisfied with NC.

Dawn, first of all, I am glad you are here. Warning...You will get beat up here (and you probably deserve some of that but take that in your stride) but hang in there. It is good to see that you started to feel the remorse which is so important.

On the point above, what you need to do is precisely that..dwell into why all this happened. Look yourself in the mirror and convince yourself with something like "The OM never actually loved me...he wanted to get in my pants". Analyse everything to bits and pieces. It will help.

By the way, there should be total NC for life - not for 18 years - not for 40 years. I commend your husband helping you through this..

About the place..you said you hated it. Try seeing positives instead. Think of 5 things that you like about the new place. May be a new store that is close by you like.

Be thankful for what you have and start to appreciate little things in life. And see if you can build on it.

Ask youself what can i do to make myself and others happy and not the other way around. Dont be so f* selfish in life. (sorry i thought about my xWW when used the f word there).

Get IC you if can to figure youself out. Read, read and read even more. Learn from others here.

Talk to your husband on daily basis. Be honest and open. Dont lie anymore. Do it with no expectations from him.

Advice worth million bucks right there. What amazes me most in a case like this one.....

dawn got married twice...i am assuming she fell in love both times before she got married.....If not why the hell did she get married....

and she believes that her "love" with OM was "true love". Does everyone see the irony in this ?? When will WSs realize that ?

These are all good extraordinary precautions.

So, there is no way for OM to contact you?

But, you could contact OM? Are you being open and honest with H? Does he have access to your email and cell phones?

Do you get the urge to contact OM?


It is alright to not be happy with your place of residence. It may not even be the long term place for you and your H.

But, since this is one of your extraordinary precautions, just make sure that if you complain about this to your H that he hears that you aren't complaining about the extraordinary precaution of living in a new place and that it is important to you and you understand that you had to move, so, it isn't the extraordinary precaution that you are complaining about, but it is specifically this place.



Why did you say "At this point"?

Based on your past with this OM, I believe if there is any contact between you two again you'll have another A. If you are serious about your current marriage NC is an absolute must.

Have you figured out the weaknesses in your boundaries that allowed you to make multiple thoughtless decisions on having an A with OM? How did this happen?

At the same time, what need did the OM meet for you that was so powerful that you couldn't resist and would cause you to overlook all the negatives?

I see that I will get beat up here!! I know that I am deserving of it but some of it is a little hard. But, there again, I deserve it and it has helped me see alot of things in myself and the OM.
I have come to understand that OM did not love me...
Concerning the place. This is hellhole, a little dug out place in the road where all the snakes and gators live. There are no stores, malls, no where to work and no actual "towns" within a 50 miles radius. Some people would die to live here but for me it's not my idea of civilization!! Oh well.
Sorry to sound stupid but I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations yet. What is IC?
Thanks for your words of wisdom--all you guys are really helping me out alot so keep beating me up.
And, by the way, I meant I am NOW concentrating--not "NOT" just a typo.

As far as I know there is no way for OM to contact me. My BS created my new email account for me and he gets the cell phone bills for both our phones so, he scrutinizes it. As far as me contacting OM--I suppose I could try but I don't know if he has moved or changed jobs, phone #'s etc. and I don't want to know. Before coming to MB I did have an urge sometimes but this getting "beat up" has really helped me to open my eyes and get out of the fog of OM's disallusion.
I said "at this point" just as I described above. Since coming into MB you have all helped me to see the lies and damage that I/OM have done and I don't want to cause any more damage to anyone.
My BS knows that I hate the place and I made clear to him that it was not him but the place. He doesn't like it much either but it is where his work is so, I am just having to deal with it.
I am still trying to figure out the boundary weakness things. And, you are absolutely correct about NC for life. I agree.
I think the main thing the OM met was the level of caring that he portrayed. He really seemed genuine and loving and caring--very attentive. We seemed to have many things in common but I was just seeing what I wanted to see. He just seemed very sweet and romantic. He cried tears for goodness sake...do many men do that? Not many that I've ever known. He just made me feel like he cared more about me than anyone.
I know it was just a lie and a fantasy and I'm still trying to figure everything out myself.

I got married very young the first time and had a daughter when I was 20. I'm not sure I really even "loved" my first husband. Sometimes when people are young they think that is the next step after getting out of school. So, in a large part my first marriage was a mistake. I did have a wonderful daughter from it and for that I was grateful.
My second husband, I did and do love. He's been a great husband to me and now I am trying to repair that.

dawn, just so know, you have done the absolute right thing by coming here and posting. I commend you for that. I am just amazed that the fog is already lifting for you in a matter of days. That is a very very good sign. It takes weeks/months for WS to see/think clearly. You have to feel good about yourself.

Understand that folks are trying to help and at times it does seem like very harsh/bitter pill to swallow. But they mean well. Hope you take it the right way.

Here are the abbreviations..

IC = Individual Counselling
MC = Marriage Counselling

I know that I have done the right thing--and yes, it has been hard but everything is true.
I've had over 4 months to think about nothing but this OM and I know that I have to move past this rather than to live a miserable life.
This is what I've had such a hard time with concerning the OM and it is going to sound horrible but...when this A started out it was just for sexual reasons. I did not want him to love me and vice versa. But, he started talking about divorce and love and marriage and I was like whoa...back up a little. But, the more he talked about it the more I fell for it. And, I guess I had always had some feelings about the guy from our earlier A. I took it hook, line and sinker. I guess I am naieve (sp).
I really thought the OM loved me because when he told his BS she came home throwing shoes, breaking the glass in the doors, trying to break out his truck window to get a gun (for her, him or me, I don't know) but just went ballastic. He said he told her that he loved 2 people and that he has broken 2 peoples' hearts twice. The next day she wanted him to call me to tell me it was over and he refused to do so. And, even after about a month (before I moved) he told me that he told his BS that he loved me and even if he didn't the emails that I sent her (ones he had sent to me) did say many things about how he has never felt this way about anyone else, etc, etc, etc. So, you can see how I thought the guy really loved/cared about me.
So, this is one of the biggest things that I've been trying to get over. But, like someone said you have to discard what he said to you from what he did for you and that's what I've done.
I realize that my marriage is most important. I haven't received any counseling of anykind except here on MB and it's really helped me get out of the "fog". I still am struggling with everything but I'm doing better everyday. I think the OM needs some counseling though!!