Knew you'd like it.

Addendum: Say, you know what? I've changed my mind. You can bring POSOM along any time. I have some questions for him and a few things I'd like to tell him.

Or, "I've got something I'd like to give POSOM."



Waywards are cowards.

Fox

Ooh. I like that.

It would be interesting to watch her reaction. She knows she can't win an exchange or debate like this with me. Part of the problem, probably. Her tactic was stonewall/passive resistance. On top of that, she has surrendered ALL of the high ground.

But she definitely has the knee-jerk get the last word/don't let SDGuy get what he wants. I wonder which one would win out?

Okay, I guess I'm a bit worked up now, but it's in that exhiliarating adrenaline rush way. Guess I should breathe for a while.

And the responsible, grown-up thing to do is look for a way to de-escalate this by letting her save face somehow.

Sigh.

Is that the responsible, grown-up thing to do?



There's no saving face at this point.

Fox (COMPLETELY against appeasement)

SD,

This woman just HAS to win an argument doesn't she? You know, it isn't the high road, but sometimes you just have to duke it out in the pit if for no other reason than to feel good for a moment in time. Sometimes we all need that little shot in the arm. It may serve no purpose, but I'm on the verge of doing it too. You go first.

Do you EVER really want this woman back?

For me, it's a self-respect thing. I just can't let WxH win on something so purely wrong.




Fox

No.

SCQ: Threats. Way to go.

If you aren't going to drop off at my house I'm not dropping off at your house on Sundays. The arrangement is whoever has the kids drops off.

We may very well be back in mediation.

She's asking for it, isn't she?

Yup, I say give it to her.

But you know whether that will harm you in the end.

Fox

Hi SD,


Surprising SCQ with the 'unexpected' could be interesting.

SD, I have read the last few pages.

It sounds important enough for you if you are willing to go back to mediation/court over it, right?

....it's been done...when one parent moves further away, that a 'neutral' middle-of-the road meeting point be established.

.....and in the process it looks like you are taking the opportunity to speak YOUR truth?

Just wondering...how are feeling about speaking your TRUTH? Any expectations? ...wouldn't want it to translate into more frustration for SD. :RollieEyes:

On a more positive note....it looks like you are doing pretty good on the 'dating game' front.

Refined (and not sent. probably better as catharsis and not showing my hand):

I don't see any threats. I see where I've asked you to avoid putting me and the kids into uncomfortable situations, and I've proposed a reasonable alternative. You have made one suggestion that doesn't really solve the real problem--that I'm not coming to that house.

If your not dropping the kids off at our house feels like winning for you, it's fine with me. The park will work for that, too.

Mediation. Yes, I thought you might threaten that, but I don't think you've thought it through. I'm happy to go that way. Shall I go ahead and arrange it? We'll get the same mediator. We'll explain the situation. Do you suppose you'll be the one to tell her how you've shacked up with your boyfriend (or are you already married?) and are forcing the kids to commute 25 miles (each way) to their school, or will I? How do you think the mediator will feel about what you're doing to our children?

I'll say that you expect me to bring the kids to his house for drop-offs. I'll explain to her how I feel--that POSOM is the reason we're divorced. That POSOM is the reason that I have to be a part-time father. That he's the reason the kids have to commute. Because she's a former mental health professional and family counselor, she'll know I'm right.

I'll tell her how I'm pretty sure POSOM has been lying to both you and POSOM's xW and manipulating you. I'll tell her how POSOM's xW told me his reasoning for getting the kids together so soon after you moved out (which she thought was a bad idea. Remember?) was "Oh, I only did that to hurt SDGuy." I'll tell her about POSOM's xW's suspicions that POSOM is an alcoholic and a smoker, and that I think my kids would be better off if they weren't exposed to POSOM at all, but that's not an option, because I can't really prove anything. But she'll see how intensely I hate POSOM, and, again, because she's a mental health professional, she'll know that (whether I'm right or wrong) I have every reason and right to feel this way. She'll know that it's in the best interest of everyone to keep POSOM away from me.

Then you'll chime in and say that we can do away with this problem by changing the schedule for Sundays.

But that doesn't really solve the problem, I'll say. It's unrealistic to think that all of our transfers can take place through daycare or school. We need a neutral location for transfers. We didn't before, because it wasn't such a problem, but now we do. Since she's the one who committed adultery and left the marriage without trying to save it and has moved so far away to a place that is emotionally repulsive to me, I think the transfer location should be the house where the children and I live, but in the interest of settling this amicably, I suggested a park in Encinitas, where the kids could work out some of their transfer tension by playing.

I'll say that I've tried at every step to keep this from turning into a fight, that I've tried to propose alternate solutions, but that the tone of your emails is that you seem to be insisting that I be willing to confront POSOM and that you refuse to let me have "my way."

I'd just as soon not go this way, but if it's what you prefer, we can do this. I'll probably ask for court costs. I wonder if I'll get them.

It makes me wonder. Why are you so desperate for me to face POSOM and be okay with it? Are you seeking someone's approval for what you've done? You know what? I've changed my mind. You can bring him along whenever you want. I have some things I'd like to discuss with him.

Hi, Luna

Thanks for the perspective.

I think it was freeing to get it out of me, even unsent and unfinished. If I sent it to her--and what I've shown so far is far from my TRUTH letter--I would have zero expectations. It would make no difference whatsoever.

The way I've approached the TRUTH letter is "You can't hear me now, but there are some things I want to say, and by the time you'll be able to hear them, I won't be interested in saying them any more. It doesn't mean they're not important. I still want you to understand why I did what I did and how hard I fought to save our family. And you."

And dating is a blast.

I would simply tell the SCQ that it was HER choice to move and you will be fine with mediation, considering NOTHING has changed on your end. If she absolutely NEEDS someone else to help her work out the problems she has created with her decision to move, so be it. You have made a suggestion and have been waiting for some reasonable counter suggestion to no avail.

If you really feel like tossing all that other stuff in there, go right ahead.

SD,


Yeah, SD...it's better to post it here.

I am sorry for your pain, SD.

Do what you think is best for you.

SD

SD,


I would stop the 'escalation' of the exchanges, SD, and just say: YES, let's go back to mediation. The idea of going to POSOM's house seems to be a major 'trigger' for you. It's important that you do what you can in a more 'constructive' way.

Yeah, I think I'll go with what SL has proposed or the like.

You know what, Guy, I did plenty of 'tossing that other stuff in'. It felt good for about a second. What felt better was when I laid it out as I've said to you, and he HAD to come back with a reasonable counter, else look like he was being petty. I got tired of him or anyone else thinking I was petty, and the high road, though more difficult, did feel much better, and has ever since.

If he came at me completely out of line, I threw it all right back at him. I put it on him and walked away. THAT was pretty satisfying all on it's own.

It's been fairly easy and noneventful to work with him in the last year, prolly 'cuz I'm DUN, even DUN, for the most part, with attempting to stick it to him. I don't care for him anymore, and the effort to argue is too much to put forth for a non-entity. Heck, I wouldn't mind picking DS up from his place, but he doesn't seem to want me to know where it is. So, he carts DS around for visitation. His choice.

Totally agree. Then mention to the mediator everything that you stated above. Don't let this woman keep bulldozing you.

SD,

Excellent Rant my friend, most Excellent! Glad you got that out of your system! I know how just getting it down into words on a page,,,,even just this page, can make all of the difference in how we feel. Sharing it, venting it, getting it out of US is a good thing.

SL has got you covered on this one. Straight, factual, to the point. No threats or emotions.

In my 'kid' communications with Drac, I've taken what I call the "Yes or No/A or B" approach. I state the situation and then give him a Yes or No/Pick A or B question. The choices enable me to be prepared, lessen the back and forth, and I am able to be emotionally prepared in advance. Sure, sometimes he throws in Option B (as in Bull s**t), but it happens less with this approach.

Whatever works for you and keeps you on the steady keel, do it. You have been doing great!

Oh,,,,and the great dating thing helps, too, doesn't it??!

So, what are the weekend plans?