Yeah, I thought that was a little over the top. I think that she has tried to be sensitive to keeping him away from me, so I can understand her being a bit miffed about me suggesting it. And, of course, some of it is just her trying to hurt me back. I considered a version of a response which included "That's a little over the top, don't you think?" response, but I tried to de-escalate the tone.

I have zero intention of going there. I will hold firm on that one, and I expect her to back off and agree to the park swap. The park swap is probably better for them anyway.

I have already imagined how it would go if I run into POSOM. "How's OMxW? Is it true that you don't pay her any spousal support? How did you manage that? Is it because she had to waive spousal support in order to get time with her children? And because of the charges you filed against her with the police? Wow, you must feel really good about that. Is that why you drink so much?"

or to his daughters "Hi, girls. Where's your mommy? No? How do you feel about that? Do you know who's responsible?"

Much better for her if she keeps POSOM away from me. Which I'm pretty sure she will.

It's been over 2-years now but it would be a serious mistake for Gollum and I to run across each other. I am not sure what I would do.

When I read an email exchange like that I again realize how much I appreciate my situation. Wayzilla and I have not spoken in over a year and a half. Sweet!

She has not contacted DD21 since Christmas Eve, 15 days ago. What a world class mother!

The dating stuff sounds fun. Carry on.

It is really nice when there is very little contact. Any contact the Z and I have is veritably banal. No big whoop. Just the facts and figures for visitation. Of course, I haven't dropped any bombs on him lately, but they're comin...

James mentioned the cold war he and his XW are in, due to the custody stuff...I feel a cold wind comin on in my sitch, probably sometime in the next 6-9 months...Brrrrrrrrr

Yeah, I'm finding that sans bombs, what little contact we've had has been fine.

The latest dustup is the SCQ telling me that she's moved in with POSOM, and me telling her how I feel about POSOM. I think it was important for me to say, because it's hard to know what Waywards are thinking. She would probably desperately love for me to be okay with everything. I'm not. She needed to hear that so that she knows she needs to continue to keep POSOM away from me.

But the exchanges are so much easier than they used to be. This exchange felt like real detachment. The SCQ is becoming more and more like a clinical specimen than someone I used to love.

I'm a little anxious about the scheduling conference tomorrow, even though I know it's just that--a conference to schedule the dates for settlement. Dunno why it's bothering me. I guess I just don't like going to court

Do you have to go? I never went to the scheduling conferences.

This is so unbelievably true and I really don't understand it at all. I mean sure - initially they want us BS's to accept their OP so they can validate their A to the whole world (if we accept it then everyone should). But after a while it gets old. WstbxH has actually stooped to new lows by dropping by with OW's DD7. He knows OW's life is in danger if she sets foot on my property so he does the next best thing - knowing I would say anything in front of a kid.

It seems my lawyer wants me to be there, so I'd say YES. I'm cool with it; it will prepare me for the days to come. It's not THAT big of a deal, just unnerving.

I'm so ready for all of this to be OVER.

That's pretty sick. Wayward spouses are disgusting creatures.

I wonder about this. I wonder if there's any research on this--on whether helping a child tap into the anger and hurt they have suppressed will help them later in life. I bet it helps.

DS9 gets angry but transfers the anger to other things. Like his sister, or how stupid his homework is, and he can have complete meltdowns over it. I'm trying to help him recognize where the feelings are really coming from and that it's okay to have those feelings.

Many of you probably cringed when I speculated on talking to POSOM's daughters, and the infidels would be absolutely outraged at what I would have to say to them, but I bet I could make a case that it would be in their own best interest.

"Hi girls, where's your mommy? How do you feel about not living with your mommy part of the time? Yes, it would make me sad and angry, too. It's okay to feel that way. I know I would. And how about sharing your room with someone else's children? And sharing your dad? Yeah, it all makes you sad, doesn't it? Whose fault is it? No, it's not your fault, is it? Who do you think you should blame?"

You KNOW that conversation isn't happening, legitimizing the feelings they don't even know they are having. Instead, that stuff will probably manifest itself on the kids later in life.

Waywards suck.

Okay, then you should go. You'll be fine. Just do the goddess thing. You know, there's the chin and the chest, and something about heels, or is it boots?

I know you'll do great, though, because you'll have the bracelets and magic lasso in your handbag.

I suppose I could wear my Kinky Boots

Is it Chest UP, Head OUT, or no, wait, I think it's gotta be your chest...no...um...er...okay, lemme think on that.

I'll be lookin good (like that's really a problem--AS IF).

Plus, I JUST got my fingers and toes did, so I'm lookin' all girlie and such.

Then, it's the weekend, and I can let it all go...

:twobyfour:

"You know my mama says that alligators are so mean becasue they have all those teeth and no toothbrush!"

I think that SHE needs a new name!

Escalation continues.

SCQ: Why would you think that I would create uncomfortable situations for anyone on purpose or change what I'm doing now. Its not like POSOM would open the door when you dropped off the kids but I cannot guarantee that he will never be in the car when I have to pick up or drop off the kids from any where.

If you aren't dropping the kids off at my house then I'm not dropping the kids off at your house on those Sundays. Meeting in the middle is not practical. Neither of us are on time. Not that it is bad, it just is. The kids won't be comfortable with it. DS9 is already well aware and sensitive to the fact that you will not talk on the phone or be in the same space as me. (BTW if you plan to go to his performance and plan to avoid me, go on Thursday. I don't know if I will go on Weds or Fri).

Meeting in the middle still does not guarantee that you won't see him. In fact it is more likely that you will see him because if I have to go out to get them on Sundays in the middle somewhere then it is more likely we will just go and do something then and will all be in the car.

SDG: You're the one who created the uncomfortable situation. It's all based on your choices. Not mine.

I'm not accusing you of wanting to make things uncomfortable. I'm telling you it is probably in your interest to go out of your way to avoid making things uncomfortable for me. If I get triggered by seeing him, my response will be an emotional one--it will hurt, and I will react from emotion. The most likely response would be to try to hurt you back, or at least make it uncomfortable for you and him. I really don't think anyone wants that. You can't imagine how much restraint I've shown over the last two years while I was still hoping for marital recovery.

I'm not coming to that house, and I don't want to change the schedule. Meeting at the park is a good solution.

You're the one who's never on time. We started coming late because showing up at your place to find you not there made me really angry, especially knowing where you were coming from and what it said about your priorities.

This is headed towards a fight. If that's the way you want it, we can go that way. It's up to you. It's not what I want.

Let me know if I'm getting out of control here.

You're doing fine.

You've told her you will not drop off at that house and have offered an alternative.

The ball is in her court.

Just remember to repeat, with each email, that you are attempting to work out a solution, and to ask if she has any OTHER suggestions beyond ending the Sunday shuffle. You want that to be in each and every correspondence. Other than that, you aren't saying anything untrue or malicious.

You're doing fine. You are stating the truth and that is it.

SHE is the one that moved them further away - if she doesn't like the half way spot, she can move closer or come up with an alternative solution

It's nice to be able to stick up for yourself and not have to worry how it will look or how she may pay you back legally, isn't it.

Fox

Tell her this is fine.


Sure it is.

Lots of people exchange children in places like this. Besides, now that she has moved farther away from you it would save you both commute time.

Thanks, ladies. While you've been posting, I've been working on a follow-up email. It's probably over the top with emotion and anger, but like Fox says, this is cathartic.

Proposed: Here's where this is headed. One of us filing to go back to mediation. We'll get the same mediator. We'll explain the situation. Do you suppose you'll be the one to tell her how you've shacked up with your boyfriend (or are you already married?) and are forcing the kids to commute 25 miles (each way) to their school, or will I?

I'll say that you expect me to bring the kids to his house for drop-offs. I'll explain to her how I feel--that POSOM is the reason we're divorced. That POSOM is the reason that I have to be a part-time father. That he's the reason the kids have to commute. Because she's a former mental health professional, she'll know I'm right.

I'll tell her how I'm pretty sure POSOM has been lying to both you and POSOM's xW and manipulating you. I'll tell her how POSOM's xW told me his reasoning for getting the kids together so soon after you moved out (which she thought was a bad idea. Remember?) was "Oh, I only did that to hurt SDGuy." I'll tell her about POSOM's xW's suspicions that POSOM is an alcoholic and a smoker, and that I think my kids would be better off if they weren't exposed to POSOM at all, but that's not an option, because I can't really prove anything. But she'll see how intensely I hate POSOM, and, again, because she's a mental health professional, she'll know that (whether I'm right or wrong) I have every reason and right to feel this way.

Then you'll chime in and say that we can do away with this problem by changing the schedule for Sundays.

But that doesn't really solve the problem, I'll say. It's unrealistic to think that all of our transfers can take place through daycare or school. We need a neutral location for transfers. We didn't before, because it wasn't such a problem, but now we do. Since she's the one who committed adultery and left the marriage without trying to save it and has moved so far away to a place that is emotionally repulsive to me, I think the transfer location should be the house where the children and I live, but in the interest of settling this amicably, I suggested a park in Encinitas, where the kids could work out some of their transfer tension by playing.

I'd just as soon not go this way, but if it's what you prefer, we can do this. I'll probably ask for court costs. I wonder if I'll get them.

I can feel the tension leaving your shoulders and neck all the way up here, my friend.

Cooler heads will chime in, I'm sure, about how this doesn't help the situation, but dayum! I like it.

It's still all the truth. She doesn't have to like it.

Fox

I'd have to add at the end, though: "Wanna play?" or "So, are you in?"

I told WxH one time after the done-o-meter had reached it's peak, "Fight me, I dare you."

He had no response.

Fox