Yeah, I know. Thanks for the hugs.

But I do feel that some progress has been made and that, in any case, WH does not want to fight. (maybe for his own selfish reasons - I don't bring up OW, he has less guilt). I also have really been approaching everything from my own standpoint, no more blaming - just how I am feeling and what I can do to make things better... And he is responding well to that. We had one absolutely awful telephone call about a week ago were I was calm and cool and he was a big jerk. I told him that I was disappointed that he was treating me that way and he said that he did not understand what he was doing wrong. I told him that next time instead of saying 10 mean things to me in the course of a phone call, to please try to say three nice things and nothing mean. And he did! We spoke again maybe 3 days later and it was that phone call where he gave the enthusiastic response and agreed that he absolutely wanted to create some rules. I can't actually recall anything 'nice' but he was all about at least being nice and kept the meanness to zero.

Also- just to update the situation - I am not sure if I mentioned this in this thread - WH has seen my IC twice on his own and we will see him together when WH is in town. That is big progress as well. I know that while a spouse is wayward MC is more or less useless but we will give it a shot anyway.

Also I don't know if this was in this thread but when WH comes here it will have been almost 3 months since I've seen him and he is supposed to stay for 2-4 weeks. I think he is staying with me at our home but I haven't asked lately.

Also I am still feeling like I would like to recover our marriage but I also am at a very good point of accepting that I can also be on my own. I cannot even say that I would prefer to recover our marriage right now. I hope to have some clarity when WH is here.

So the other thing I wanted to mention is yes we are in Plan A - but do you do MC in plan A? That is definitely talking about the M. And with MC comes not just the hour or two of MC but the talking about it after hours...

thanks!

This is not the time for this. For PLAN A, it's OK and even necessary to say that you did not respect his opinion in the PAST. NOW, with him being a WAYWARD, you can't believe 90% of what he has to say. His goal now is to come up with rationalizations for continuing his affair. That's his main goal.


Why not? He is expressing himself POORLY but he is/was expressing his unhappiness and/or dissatisfaction with their rearing. My H slips into this even now, expressing his regret about my mistakes in the past. NOW, I calmly yet assertively explain the part HE PLAYED, just like your husband, in NOT COMMUNICATING his CONCERNS clearly to me...that I would have been able to LISTEN, I think, if he had not YELLED at me..You see, my H WAS like YOURS and definitely HAS CHANGED. We NOW can TALK about these things...AND when my H complains about MY PARENTING STYLE, how I have handled something with one of our sons, I INVITE him to HANDLE it HIS WAY...or say "You were open to express your opinion"..


Yes, if HE chooses to do so. It's part of PLAN A to let him know that this can happen IF he chooses to join with you in working on the marriage.

I recommend that you do MINIMAL RELATIONSHIP TALK during his VISIT...because, as I've stated previously, he will be BSing you. You can't believe much of what he SAYS. I would think your task should be full-blown PLAN A...you meeting his ENs and NOT expecting anything from him....GIVE..GIVE..GIVE..your job will be to BLOW HIS MIND with YOUR CHANGES...THE NEW YOU!!

gotcha...
but the MC is a big step... so that's going to have to happen. probably two appointments.
give, give, give.... will become my mantra.
This is going to be so hard and is going to take a miracle to pull off. I wish I had just a bit more time.
keep the advice coming.
i need all the help I can get
hugs

I can't figure out where to talk to you..over here or over there...