Almost all affairs are emotional. That is the rule rather than the exception. Women rarely hop in bed unless there is an emotional attachment.

She is justifying her emotional attachment by saying that they are good friends who made a mistake. I told her that I am not comfortable with that friendship considering the mistake and emotions that certainly still linger.

I need to know how to handle this without seeming like the controling A-hole, and rather to come across as the loving caring husband. I am convinced I need to move in. I need details on how to do this wisely.

That is ok that she justifies her affair. Just YOU don't justify it. Call it an affair. She can call it a baloney sandwich if she wants, but you should call it what it is: an adulterous affair. A adulterer will always try to minimize their affair - everyone does this when they know they are wrong.

Just you dont enable her in that pursuit.


I would suggest you focus on doing the right thing instead of worrying about how you come across to a wayward wife. No matter what you do, she will not like any interference in her affair, so you need to abandon that pipe dream and focus on the necessary steps to save your marriage. IGNORE her words and focus on her actions.

The way you do this wisely is to go home. You walk in the door and tell her respectfully that you are moving back into your home. You love her and your child and you intend on staying there to work on your marriage.

You don't allow her to scare you off or to bait you into a fight. If she calls the police and they show up. You calmly tell the police you live there and intend on staying. This is your family.

Your wife will be furious at your interference in her affair. There is no way around it. But your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive this affair.

Thank you for your advice. I am going to spend some time in prayer about this. and as I said I am going to give it a short amount of time(about 2 weeks), and then act. in the meantime I will prepare myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually for this decision. Thank you for your prayer as well. Continue in that if you can. I will need it, as will my wife.

Zambo, my friend, you're very frustrating to read.

You're being given the answer to encourage you to do the things you need to do to recover your marriage. Marriage will not be recovered outside of the home.

Yes, you have a right to live in your home. You have a legal right to this.

Second, moving you out on your own free will was brilliant on her part. Now she can file for abandonment and sole legal custody. Brilliant on her end.

The courts don't care about your feelings. They care about your actions. You voluntarily left your home. End of story. No one forced you out. No one held a gun to your head. You left your wife and daughter of your own free will.

Third, your WW is playing a game called "cake eating" and is gaslighting you.

She gives you just enough hope to get you to comply so that you don't rock the boat.

She'll tell you it's still not going on. She'll give you the impression and the idea that there is hope.

She's a master manipulator and is playing on your emotions.

Again, I've played this game. I got played just like you.

Finally, you can't control your WW's thoughts or feelings. You breathing is a problem to her.

So taking decisive action to end the affair, move into your home, be a part of your daughter's life, and inform her in a strong and respectful manner that the MAN of the house is back, is going to stay, and WILL be a part of his daughter's life.

Anyone who doesn't like that can leave.

Your marriage can survive your wife's anger.

It can't survive an ongoing affair.

I've seen men like you get strung along for YEARS before they finally started clueing in. But it was too late at that point.

They were effectively removed from their children's lives with the woman having full custody.

It's a very, very common story and the men who don't do well in terms of father's rights are men like you and me who LET the wives get away with it.

Strong decisive action is attractive. Appeasement and fear are not.

She will rant and rave if you move back in. She will tell you that there is no chance in he77 that you can save things now.

It's because she's defending her affair. You're a threat now that isn't going to make it easy.

Appeasement DOES NOT WORK!

Well, Ive done it. And now more prayer is needed for my wife to come out of her hazy deceptions and see the logic and wisdom. She is trying to say that I am trying to manipulate and control by doing this. The funny thing is that she is really trying to manipulate me otherwise. She said that if I stay she will file for divorce, and if I leave our marriage will have a chance. What absurd logic. She was going to try to call the police, but my 3 year old daughter convinced her not to. I wish she would stop calling me selfish, and realize the selfishness of her ways, and ultimately think about the wishes of our daughter, who has expressed what she wants quite clearly. She wants her Dad back "all the time". Some good news is that my wife has not contacted the other man at all since this. I think she wants to keep him out of it since they agreed to his wife that he wouldn't be her counsel in our situation. At least she sees the logic in that.

Good job!

Now you can Plan A!

All the talk of filing for divorce is just that, talk!

Don't fall for it. Good job on manning up!

Now comes the really hard part, which is living with a possessed woman who hates you and spits venom!

But awesome job! She will continue the "we'll have a chance if you do as I say" bit for as long as she can.

If she mentions divorce, then simply say, "I'm won't talk divorce. I only talk marriage."

And don't for a second think that she isn't in contact with OM. Install a keylogger on your computer, get voice recorders for her car, and start monitoring cell phone bills.

You think she hasn't contacted OM, but trust us, she has.

Remember, we predicted her words. They are straight from the script.

You're doing the right thing.

GOOD JOB!!!!!!

Congratulations on pushing past your fears and doing the right thing!

I wouldn't be so certain about her A being over. It's probably just gone underground now that you have moved back home.

So start spying.

Click here----> SPYING 101

Here's Mr. W's Do and Don't do list..

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

And here's Pep's Carrot and stick part of Plan A..


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I know she is still talking to him. Im also pretty sure she is seeking his advise on how to handle my moving back in. I am letting this be for now, since I have already told her how I feel about it. We are going to bring this up to our counseler soon, and I expect her to listen to his advice more willingly than mine. I know that he will give good advice, since he relys heavily on harleys matierials and concepts.

thanks for the advice. I will look over all of it often to help keep my behavior in check. thank you.

Zambo,

Doing nothing is not the answer.

Actions get respect from a WW, not inaction.

First off, let her know, calmly, that you are going to be here and be a father to your children.

You then let her know that ALL contact with OM must end immediately. If there is no contact, then you are going to take steps to end the contact.

What do you do?

You cancel her cell phone. She can pay that herself.

You put a password on your home computer that only you know and it must be through you that all computer use is turned on.

Now you need to expose and a confrontation with the other man is certainly called for. You contact him and you let him know that he is to stop contacting your wife immediately. Tell him that if he continues to contact your wife that there will be consequences he won't like.

Leave it vague. Don't threaten him with any physical harm. Let his imagination run wild.

But this isn't a bluff. Consequences for him include an alienation of affection law suit, which may be valid in your state.

You should also expose to OM's wife or girlfriend.

Your job now is to end the affair.

That means ticking off your WW because you are shutting off her source of her "fix". How does a crack addict react to taking his crack pipe? They don't take kindly to it.

So now is the time for action, not inaction.

You took a huge step in coming home. You protected your rights as a father, at a minimum and have taken away her ability to file "abandonment" against you.

You need to contact his wife and let her know that your wife and him are in contact.

She can be your best ally in ending this affair.

Need some more details. They work together?

How do you know they are still in contact?

Have you been spying?

That means putting a keylogger on your computer, tracking cell phone usage on the internet, checking her phone when she's asleep, putting recorders around where you can catch her talking to OM.

Here's another thought for you: counseling is useless if she's in an active affair.

Any contact at all with this man means she's in an affair. ANY.

I have already done most of these things. I know most people here don't think I should believe her when she tells me that the physical relationship lasted a single day, and that after that they spent a month and a half with no contact. Now the excuse I am getting from all of them including the other mans wife is that they are only friends and want to continue that with much less contact than in the past. If I tell her what MUST be done, she will retreat from me, she needs to hear it from other people. She doesn't respect my authority right now, so it only hurts to try to force it. The best I can do is say Im staying here, and be here for my daughter and treat my wife well without being overbearing and demanding.

zambo, this is fogbabble from a wayward mind. And you are here repeating it as if it is sane. That is scary. Let me assure you it is not. They are not "friends." They are having an affair and it silly to say otherwise. One does not abandon their marriage and kick her husband out over a "friendship" with a girl named Sally.

If his wife is that gullible, then I would get her the evidence of their romance by taping her phone calls or placing a keylogger on her computer and showing the OMW the goods.

Have you spoken to the OMW YOURSELF and heard her repeat the above fogbabble? Or is this fogbabble that was passed on from your wife? It is very rare in these situations that ALL the betrayed spouses are just as insane as the waywards. Usually there is at least ONE sane person in the game.


I think you can do better than just sitting there like a lump on a log when your family desperately needs a leader, not a doormat. I would suggest politely asking her to show you and your DD some respect and take her affair conversation out of your family home. Ask her to not conduct her affair in front of you and your child.

It is disrespectful and hurtful. No woman respects a man that is a doormat, zambo, and sitting there idly while she carries on her affair in front of you and your child is not the act of leader who is worthy of respect. It will cause her to disrespect you MORE. If you don't act respectfully, you can't very well expect her to respect you.

Secondly, women do not respect men they can run over and our love is very contingent upon the respect we feel. So, I would not demand. I would ask her - respectfully and politely - to kindly take her AFFAIR [use that word, because that is what it is!] conversations out of the presence of her husband and child.

Have you had a face to face conversation with the OM?

Zambo,

My friend, you're foggy and paralyzed with fear.

You need to speak to OM's W personally.

Staying "friends" at any level is simply unnacceptable.

We're all giving you the answers of what you need to do.

Inaction and saying that you're "forcing things" isn't the answer.

Do not believe a single word they say.

You need to confront OM.

You need to expose to their work.

WW needs to quit her job and end whatever it is that is keeping her in contact with OM.

What state do you live in?

I have spoken with him twice and told him to stay away. And have spoken with his wife twice as well. All face to face. I live in AZ

wife is that gullible, she knows about the romance in the past. and it is not happening now. there is still emotional attachment though, and everyone is being led to believe it is just a friendship attachment.

and I do have unknown access to email, not to much is said there.

If she is still in contact with OM, then counseling is a waste of time. Dr. Harley readily acknowledges that. If your counselor relies on Harley's principles, then you should expect him to also insist WW to cease contact. If she won't,then any further counseling will be pointless - WW will only use it to focus on how you screwed up your marriage.