Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!! ME TOO!

Mrs. W

Yes, you are right. I was addicted to how he made me feel--I just keep having to tell myself he was just a POS and I'm doing my best to get over this OM. It's starting to get better.

Mrs. W--can I email you at the email address listed at the bottom of your post? I'm interested in telling you about where in Ga. I'm from etc. and I don't really want to do it on this post.

Absolutely Dawn...I was thinking the SAME thing...I look forward to hearing from you!

Mrs. W

Reacting the way you girls did is normal I would imagine. And, OM's wife did the same. Especially since it was the second time with the SAME woman probably made it even worse. I honestly do hope that they are recovering. It seems like my BH and I are doing better somewhat. I know that "they" are not my concern but our NC is going well and I really don't even want that anymore. I did for a while after it was over but my main concern is repairing my marriage.

Yeah, I suppose.

My FWH's reaction was odd, I thought. When I was done screaming at him (he was quiet the whole time) he said "wow, it's about time I saw some passion from you, and I am so turned on right now." I looked at him and said "WTF is wrong with you?"

He later explained that I had kept my emotions so squashed down for so long that it was refreshing to see me express some real emotion and stand up for myself.

So you took your H through a false recovery, also?

My H and the OW did this to me as well...yes, it is beyond devastating. As if the first time wasn't bad enough and you didn't see the pain THEN that your spouse was going through...you do it yet AGAIN to them. Unfreakingbelievable.

This makes your recovery harder...you can probably go back somewhere and find my old posts...maybe seeing the devastation I went through will help you forget about POS OM and help you to appreciate your H, how hard he's fought for you, and the pain that he is experiencing....this is the HARDEST THING I (and your H) have ever been through. I really hope you understand that and what he is willing to try to forgive in order to stay married to you.

I found out the "second time" (we had been in a false recovery...FWH SAID that the A was over but it wasn't) for 10 months. I did nuclear exposure and then went straight to Plan B. It was H*LL and it's hard for me to even go back and think about that time. This is what you have done to your H...please appreciate and adore him for this.

That's very demented and maybe even a little creepy.

I would always cringe when my W would say the words never or always. I cringed when you wrote it about your H.

Why, because it felt disrespectful and the effort to understand your H was not there. By categorizing me, she further insured that I wouldn't do it as I was offended by her disrespect and thus fed her perception. Negatives of H, positives of OM. She saw the world this way and it reinforced her views.

I'm not sure if you have read about Dr. Harley's love bank, but, this is a great example. Because of the way she perceived things and responded to me, I would only make withdrawals from her account and the OM would only make deposits. And, once one's Love Bank is high enough the feeling of romantic love would occur.

It is why boundaries are so important, not letting a person of the opposite sex meet any of your important emotional needs and make love bank deposits.

This also shows the impacts of love busters. When my wife categorized things with always and never it made me feel that she didn't understand my motivations and that I was actually very willing to do the things she had labeled me with always and never. After she said always and never I was much less motivated.

There are always reasons. Those reasons are that it needed to be good for me as well. I wanted to meet her needs but I wanted to meet them in a way that was good for me as well. When she made the statements always and never she only was worried about her needs being met and not also insuring it could be in a way that was good for me.




Your need for affection. By OM meeting this need it made alot of love bank deposits.

What boundaries do you have to insure that someone of the opposite sex won't make these types of love bank deposits in the future as you know that someone meeting this need may cause you to feel loved, especially if your perceptions allow you to overlook all the negatives and not make any love bank withdrawals?

I'm sure your H met your need for affection, especially when you were dating. You have told us that you love him and you married him because of this. It is how he was able to make love bank deposits.

How did he do this when you were dating?


So, here is a negative. It is a lie. For the 2nd time, his actions are very clear. This is not true. This should make major love bank withdrawals.


Notice the deep seeded feeling comment. You still had a love bank account with him and it was still quite high. He never withdrew enough from your account even with the negatives that should have made major withdrawals.

Unfortunately, you would only really make withdrawals from your H's account by saying never and always. And at the end of the day, he is with you after you had an affair, and the OM has left you twice.

It simply isn't logical.

It comes across that your need to feel special has very strong powers as it generates such enormous feelings for you that you will discard all else even if it is ultimately destructive to you and anyone else.

Yeah, I was blown away by that comment. I think what turned him on was the fact that I was capable of expressing emotion, as opposed to how I had been up to that point.

Actually, I'd say that is a need for Admiration, at least the things he was SAYING.

Affection usually refers to PHYSICAL affection (hugs, kisses, hand-holding, etc.)

Yeah, I agree. And that is one of the big challenges.

If one has a great need for admiration and also just had an A.

How does the BS meet this need when their admiration of the other is at an all time low?

You are absolutely correct and I agree with you. But, I'm not sure if you think I've done this twice to my H that I am married to now??? I was divorced after the first A--single for approx. 10 years then married my current H. So, I didn't do this twice to him? Is that what you're saying?
Nevertheless, it is still horrible. I do appreciate him for how hard he's fought.
I would like to find your previous posts and read them. I will try to do that.

When I said never I mean that I can't actually remember one single time that it has happened. So, wouldn't that be never? Honestly, not once. Ok, I take that back, I can think of ONCE...but seriously, that is all I can think of.
I have read about the love bank but I think I will go back and read it again.
Yes, the love bank withdrawals should have been major from OM because of all the lies but I was too stupid to realize he was lying AGAIN. I was gullible enough to have believed him. I know, my stupidity.
So how does one "close" a love bank account? You stated that I still have a love bank account open with OM after 18 years and you are right. I guess I never closed the account.
The whole thing with my story isn't logical--I'm working on the love bank accounts with my H.
Can one ever really recover after allowing themselves to be so destructive with their boundaries or does it always haunt you? I'm trying so hard not to let this happen--I want OM out of my brain.
But, all you say is true and makes very much sense.

There isn't a way to close it - Everyone we meet we open an account for...an account can be inactive, but it usually never fully closes - I would guess that in cases of extreme abuse it might...Nevertheless, that is why "No Contact for LIFE" is an absolute, unequivocable MUST...

I told you this in an earlier email Dawn, but I will state it again...Dr. Harley says that there will forever remain a low burning flame for the OP...One that can be reignited at anytime...Hence, NO CONTACT FOR LIFE...No matter how secure or solid you feel in your ability to resist the OP, it simply isn't wise to deviate from this plan, it is BEST to take the advice of, Dr. Harley, the professional...And you have to look no further than your own story for proof...This should really cement the validity of Dr. Harley's words for you...(I know it did for me)

Now, I KNOW that this scares many BSs and WSs alike, but it does NOT mean that the WS will forever "pine" for the OP, anymore than a recovering alcoholic "pines" for a drink - A recovering alcoholic KNOWS the pain and anguish caused by their drinking and the memory of that repulses them...same with a FWS...Just as an alcoholic shouldn't go hang out in bars and tempt fate, a FWS should never put themselves in a position to be near the OP...So that is why here on MB we preach: No Contact, No Contact, No Contact...It is IMPERATIVE that the WS understands and accepts their vulnerability to the OP...Getting THAT is tantamount to recovery...

Mrs. W

I just went back and read your original post...guess I should have done that first.

Soooooo...you had an A many years ago, on your FIRST husband, which ended the M.

You THOUGHT that OM was going to D his W (as he promised) and marry you, but that fell through (shocking!)...he decided his W was more worth it than you were.

You were single for 10 years, then married again. Apparently you didn't learn from your mistake the FIRST time around, and you went and had an A on THIS H as well.

Am I correct so far?

Honestly, this is rather shocking to me. You are an OW TWICE OVER! And you STILL have not figured this out! And you are STILL calling this OM a "Southern Gentleman"?!?!?!

He has lied to you and lied to you...lied to his W, dumped her, then dumped you; tried to reconcile with her, got back together with her, and dumped you again.

Does your brain work right? Seriously??? Most people learn their lessons and eventually put two and two together...this guy is a SCUMBAG who has bounced back and forth between two women for what...18 years now???? Why the world do even WANT him???

IF he ever married you, he would just have another A...you know that, right? To do this TWICE to his W is absolutely despicable. I hope she DOES D him...Dr. Harley told me that if my H ever had another A, I would probably D, and I probably SHOULD D him.

IMO, it gets to a point where this is more than a "marriage issue" or an "affair issue"...it gets to a point where this is a character flaw in YOU.

To have done this twice, to BOTH of your husbands, is unfreakingbelievable...honestly...not to mention what you did to OM's wife and children....as well as yours. Do you have NO empathy? No morals? NOTHING???

Can you not put yourself in ANYone else's shoes??? You have hurt SO MANY PEOPLE, and you are not yet repulsed by the OM or the A you had with him?

Dawn,

I haven't posted to you before and haven't yet read your whole story.

I imagine Married Forever's last two posts stung quite a bit. I hope you can look past the discomfort the posts cause to two things: the pain of the BS (like your husband) and the observation that you might have issues not strictly related to your marriage that you need to address in order to fully recover.

Yes, you are correct. Maybe my brain doesn't work right. I am getting to the point of being repulsed by OM and by my own actions. I know that his whole situation has been very traumatic to everyone involved and I am VERY remorseful over the entire thing.
Thanks for your candid but truthful comment.

Thanks for joining in. You should read the whole thing. It's pretty distasteful to say the least. I have been stupid that is without a doubt.
Yes, some of the comments are hurtful but hey, the truth hurts sometimes I guess.

I would love to hear your take on the issue.