My wife of 17 years had an affair. I cant believe i'm in this forum. I thought we were soul mates. My heart is broken and I need help. I have told no one and am alone with this knowledge. She told me intimate details to ease her guilt. We are trying to mend our relationship but I cant get the sickening visuals out of my head. She had this affair with one of her clients and she could be fired from her job if I confront this man. I could use some advise.

Hi Mr Magoo, welcome to MB, sorry to see you here.
I think initially you might want this thread on GQ2, it has more traffic. Weekends are very quiet on MB tho, but the vets are usually around during the week.
If you click on notify under you first posts and ask the moderators to move your thread to GQ2 they will do it for you.

MrMagoo, sorry you are here. Has she ended all contact with the OM? That is the critical first step to recovery. I would suggest getting Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley and reading it as fast as you can so you understand what you are dealing with. In the meantime, this article about recovery might help.

[b]Requirements for Recovery from an Affair[/b]

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Thanks MelodyLane,
And Yes, she has ended all contact with the OM.

Thanks lildoggie for the info.

HI Mr. Magoo,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are here.
Listen to the advice that has been given to you by some truly respected members here.

You can hold your head up, no one looks down on you trust me.

Your self-esteem comes from you not from what has been done, and realize this was her choice to do, you did not make her do it.
realize your part in the condition of the marriage but do not take blame for the A.

Hang tough and keep everyone posted as to what is happening so that you can get more useful tools and advice to help you along.

Doingfine,
Thanks for the response.
I am haveing a diffucult time pretending nothing happened. It is up to me to keep this a secret so no one in her office finds out. If they do, I believe she would be fired. It is up to me to act sane in front of our kids, when I just want to track down and hurt this other man. I am afraid if I run into him I will do something crazy. He lives on a military base, so I can't just pay him a visit. I am truley lost. My world as I knew it was a lie. I was walking around acting like a man, when I was actually an ignorant fool. And I feel like I can't do what a normal man would do in a situation like this. She tells me it is over and that it was a mistake. I don't consider this a mistake because she planned so much in doing it. This forum is the only release I have had in 3 months.

Does your W work in the same place as OM?
If so she should quit.
Immediatly.

MrMagoo, is she in an occupation where an affair would be pertinent information? Additionally, if she met this man through work, the workplace could be held legally liable. In that case, they need to know that they have placed at risk.

Why do you believe she would be fired?

She dosen't work with him. I cant reveal her occupation. I do not want her to lose her job. I just want to confront this man. I have not read anything about how I am suppose to release my anger. It's all I think about. I feel defeated.

A fine soldier, huh? I trust you know that adultery is totally against military codes of conduct and is punishable.

First off the affair wasn't your fault, so stop protecting her affair! You can own up to 50% of the problems in your marriage, but she is 100% responsible for the affair. If the guy is in the military, then he is well aware that he is in violation of the UCMJ. He knows this and knew it when he slept with your wife. He played with fire and he needs to get burned.If you fear she may lose her job over this, she should have thought about it before it happened. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Magoo: Strength to you my friend! I've been in your shoes...TWICE! (suck)

Hang in there. Take time to look deep inside yourself and see what you feel, what you want to do, where you want to go with your relationship. Don't maky any huge decisions right now. Take your time.

Melody has GREAT insight as do many others on this site. Be patient, read, read, read and read more. Get the books and read them asap!

Remain calm. Don't do anything you will regret. Be Joe Cool, Clint Eastwood, James Bond, around your WW and family.

If you are feeling emotional go for a drive, park the car and cry your eyes out...I know I have [note, try to avoid punching things...broken hands aren't good for typing these forums]

Hang in there...we are WITH YOU!

Thanks for the support.
Yeah...a fine soldier is right. I found his email address and his cell phone number....he quickly changed his number (afraid his wife might find out) but his email is his military account. I sent him a flameing email and told him where we could meet. He responded and said he will never meet me, it was over and accused me of threating him and to leave him alone. Imagine that, this worm is telling me what to do!! How are you guys keeping your cool!!??

You really need to expose the affair to his wife and to the military. That will go a long way in helping you and your wife to recover.

Hi, mrmagoo. I am sorry you find yourself here. I am not a man, nor am I a BS. I am a FWW. I have no idea what you're feeling and I have no suggestions on what to do with your feelings of retribution toward the OM. I can only share with you what my H went through. He's in the same place time wise that you are, having heard my PA confessions almost three months ago. He has very strong feelings of wanting to get back at the OM. Very strong. My H is a vengeful person and the venom he has for OM is unquestionable.

Just as my H was about to send an email containing his feelings for the OM to the OM (OM lives 2 time zones away), H instead sent me an email which was more appropriate, in my mind. I've posted this on Mike_2's thread "Harassment charge from OM". (You may find value in that thread, actually.) Here is part of what H emailed: "I want to put blame on OM and be more mad at him instead of you... but you were the one who stopped loving me... not OM... you were the one who lived side by side with me and carried out your lies... not OM... you were the one who potentially exposed me to STDs... not OM... you were the one who bold faced lied to me when I asked if there were someone else... not OM... you were the one who asked me to be honest with you when I was literally begging/asking what I could do to save our marriage... not OM..."

I’m in no position to tell you what to do. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But please think seriously about doing anything to the OM, other than exposing and doing what the vets recommend to ensure the A is over and there is NC. OM is not the one who promised to forsake all others. He didn’t betray you. He never lied to you. Going after the OM I’m sure is blindingly tempting. I’m sure my FOM’s W has the same feelings for me. But every time you contact the OM in anyway, you bring him back into your life. If he is truly out of it, do what you can to keep him there. I know my H and I want FOM as far removed from our lives as possible.

Hold your head up and listen to the vets here. Their knowledge comes from firsthand experience (unfortunately) and they are absolutely amazing.

Take care.

Mr. Magoo,

First off, you need to accept that you will NOT get anywhere by living in fear. You did NOTHING wrong.

Do you need to expose? Absolutely. So you don't want to expose to her job?

Why?

If she loses her job, it's the result of HER actions, not yours.

What are the odds of there being no contact with this man ever again?

This is what you must absolutely do:

Find the man's name and number.

Contact his wife. Inform her that her husband cheated on her with your wife. This is how you get back at OM. You make HIM face consequences and you protect the OM's wife from living a lie.

Tell me, would you want OM's wife to tell you what happened if she knew and you didn't? You would have a right to know and would indeed be grateful to have found out.

You need to contact the OM's commander. You do this by contacting the base operator and do a little social engineering.

Ask for OM. When he answers, simply say, "I'm sorry, I might have called the wrong unit. What unit is this?"

He'll likely tell you.

You then hang up, call the base operator again and say, "I'd like to speak to the commander of Unit X."

Odds are you'll get an exec. Ask for the commander. If they ask you who you are, tell them it's a private matter and you must speak to the commander about one of his troops.

You then speak to him.

If he's an officer, he may get courtmartialed. If he's enlisted, he'll have consequences too, but I'm not as familiar with the enlisted punishments.

The commander's hands will be tied. Inform the commander that you will report this to the JAG unless harsh disciplinary action is taken.

Is this revenge? NO. It's making someone face the consequences of their actions. He slept with your wife. There is a pentalty for adultery in the military.

How old is OM?

Now, you supposedly have a remorseful wife. That's a lot further along than many of us here.

But healing isn't "pretending to not feel how you feel".

You have just been dealt the absolute worst form of emotional abuse that can be inflicted on a spouse and sweeping it under the rug is NOT the way to move on.

You have a lot of rebuilding to do with your wife and that will take discussing the affair, what led to it, and then coming up with a plan to heal from it and move forward.

This is not a situation where she simply sweeps this under the rug and it's over.

You've been betrayed. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to feel sick. You have a right to want to lash out.

There is no right or wrong way to respond to this.

I understand that level of nausea you walk around in and the heavy feeling in your heart and the pain of pretending you're ok when you're not.

NOTHING hurts more than the betrayal of an affair short of a death.

NOTHING. Death might even be easier to deal with because it has closure.

Infidelity is a festering wound and doesn't heal unless certain things happen.

Also, don't trust your wife. If there truly is no contact, then she must accept that she has done something horrible and take steps to have comeplete transperency with you. That means open access to all her accounts, cell phone records, and she must check in with you several times a day to tell you what she's doing and with who.

Is this controlling? NO. It's re-establishing trust she broke.

You didn't demand this behavior prior to her affair, but her actions dictate that this happen right now until you heal.

It's a long road and no response to this is "correct". The MB way is the best way I've seen anywhere and the tools are here to help you recover what you lost.

Do not for one second think this is the first time for your wife either. Odds are she flirted with other clients and had poor boundaries, which led to this slip up.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying she had sex with other men. But I am saying that this is likely not the first time she's been innapropriate with her behavior to other men and has likely regularly flirted or toed the line with inappropriate behavior.

I think I've given you enough to digest for now, but you must do the things I've said in order to help yourself and have OM face real hard consequences over what he's done.

And you'll put the fear of God in the commander by telling him that you will go to the JAG if there is no harsh action taken against this man.

No one in the service messes with the JAG.

I don't know who you people are but you obviously have insight.
I have cried reading the responses i've been getting. I'm 39 years old and have cried more in the past 3 months than i have cried in my entire life. I wake up sad and go to bed sad. I am ashamed. I can't concentrate at work. I can't look at myself in the mirror. Am I just giving myself a big pity party or is this normal behavior? I have already done some research about contacting his commander. The base website has an email address for the JAG. I am weighing my options about sending an email as this may cause further damage to my marriage. I appreciate the response from looking4 also, as I did not even consider that option. I am still trying to piece together all of the details. He knows that I know everything and that I am looking for him. This probably sounds childish but right now it's keeping me going.

Mr. Magoo,

I use to cry at the drop of a hat.

Nothing abnormal about what you're feeling.

Understand this: Pissing off the WW means you're doing what needs to be done.

Exposure is scary for a WW. It means that the fantasy and the activity previously done in secret is now coming to light.

So there's shame associated with it.

You'll be told, "There's no chance for us now! You ruined everything!"

And

"I was going to work on the marriage, but you just ruined that!"

And

"I can't trust you!"

These are all common. It's not uncommon for you to feel despair at this time after taking the actions necessary and ticking her off and prompting that reactin. It's normal.

Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive her affair.

It's also foolish of you and her to think you can just act like nothing happened. You've just been gutted, my friend.

Infidelity has been compared to the trauma of rape and I believe it. Your head can't stop spinning. You can't stop shedding the images from your head of your wife and this other man doing what was once exclusively your right.

You've been violated.

Get the OM. Contact his commander. There's a way they can reach him on weekends.

Seriously, contact the base operator and tell them that you need to get a hold of the commander of OM's unit and that it is a matter of urgency.

I told you JAG before. I was wrong and straining to remember my acronyms. You need to let the commander know that if there is no action taken that you will report him to the Inspector General. Trust me. No one messes with the IG.

Say it respectfully. Say, "Sir, I ask that you take immediate disciplinary action. I will speak to the IG if nothing is done."

THAT will get his attention. Trust me.

I'm speaking as a veteran and former Air Force officer.

No one messes with the IG.

My story is like yours. I was cheated on by my exww while I was at war. Didn't know anything while I was gone and found out everything within a week of getting home. My welcome home was, "I want a divorce".

I know what you're feeling and am very familiar with the despair you feel and the amount of crying you're going through.

It's normal. It doesn't make you less of a man. It simply shows that you've been betrayed by the one person in the world you thought would never do such a thing.

Well she has and you must take steps to end the affair, have OM face consequences, and start healing yourself.

How is your WW treating you? Is she remorseful?

Believe me when I tell you, you MUST take action. You're afraid that doing so will tick her off and you will ruin your chances, but you won't.

the best way to get a handle on your grief is to do the advice given here!

the OM's W needs to know what he is about, you can't wait for OM to tell her, he is a liar right? Don't let OM's W live in a lie either. This is not about revenge, this is letting someone know what they are living with.

trust me when I say that the people on this forum KNOW, and can help!