This is a GREAT point, Mrs. W! I am so happy that you posted this, it's something that we ALL need to keep in mind...

Holy cow!

Dawn, I just wanted to say you're doing very well and I'm proud of you. Probably doesn't mean a hill of beans since you wouldn't know me if you tripped over me, but I wanted to tell you anyway.

Getting "beat up" here really only happens to WS's that come here and try to justify their actions rather than strive to change.

If you're interested, I've blogged my journey through my husband's infidelity so you can see exactly what it's like for a BS. http://heatherl79.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2008-07-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&updated-max=2008-08-01T00%3A00%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=14

The oldest post is at the bottom of the page.

Dawn, a "Southern Gentleman" would not have been banging a married woman.

Do you see this yet? Do you get it???

You MUST drop all good thoughts and feelings of OM...they were not real anyhow, it was a fantasy...he was PRETENDING with you, the same way you were PRETENDING with him.

While having the A you were living a fantasy...how long do you really think he would have kept these things up in the real world?

Just as you showed NONE of your "bad" side to him, he showed none of it to you...and he has one, we all do. You just never saw it.

When you get this and realize how he was NOT a "Southern Gentleman" to your husband, and how he attacked your husband and attempted to take everything from him that he cherishes, maybe then you will begin to feel sick about OM and what he has done.

What an incredibly generous offer! broken_soul, you are a real GEM! I pray that your husband realizes how very lucky that he is!

Dawn, I would take her up on this offer and thank her a thousand times if I were you...I was blessed to get to read Mr. W's journal from that very dark "wayward me" time...It helped me so much to understand just what I had put him through...It was painful to read, but I needed to see myself through his eyes...I was so very ugly...

And what MF said to you is sooooooooo true...You would be very wise to take that info to heart! I will also tell you that as a Southern Girl married to a "Yankee", the "southern gentleman" thing is a MYTH for the most part...Not that there aren't gentlemen who are Southern, but there are also gentlemen who are not...I could explain more, but it's not likely all that relevant...

Mrs. W

P.S. Gaaaaaah, my 13 year old boy sense of humor is really in overdrive today...Dawn is being posted to by "MF" and "BS"...LOLOLOL! Sorry ladies, you'll have to forgive me!

Such an excellent point! This post should probably be pinned at the top.

Good point. I know that everything you say is true and I'm striving to get to the point of being "sick" of OM. It's coming. I never looked at it from your perspective--the pretending point of view.
I am truly trying to eliminate all thoughts of "good things" but it is a long road. I keep trying to concentrate on the negative and bad points.
You are right also in saying that we all have a bad side. Just some worse than others I guess!!

It is a generous offer and I am going to take it. Thanks. I would love to see myself through his eyes too. I know it will be difficult. But, I need it.
I too and a Southern girl married to a Yankee. And, I get what you say about the southern gentleman thing being a myth but OM protrayed himself as being as close to it as possible at the time of the A.
Anyway, I have got to rise above this and get on with things. Dr. Harley wasn't kidding when he said it is the most painful and most difficult thing to deal with and I know it is more so for my BH.
Thanks for the humor!! It was a little ironic though.
You guys are something else. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found this MB site.
And, broken-soul, thank you a thousand times!!

When he brings up OM how do you respond? Dawn, it may very well be that he NEEDS to talk about the affair, and you should allow him full ability to do so...He must NEVER feel that you want him to just "move on" and you should NEVER "defend" OM...EVER...You must be totally open, honest and transparent with your husband...NEVER, EVER try to sweep this under the rug...There should be NOTHING left between you and OM that your husband isn't privy to...The BS gets to decide what they want to know and it is your obligation to accomodate them in that...For recovery your standard should be "whatever it takes for as long as it takes", barring only abuse...

Mrs. W

P.S. Thanks KeepItReal!

Okay, I'm gonna elaborate a little bit on the "Southern Gentleman" myth...I do NOT want it to appear that I am in any way, shape or form a "feminist"...I'm soooooooo NOT!

This "southern gentleman" thing is something that Mr. W brought to light for me...Part of that whole deal is a bit "controlling"...I witnessed it with my mom and dad...My dad did EVERYTHING for my mom, to the exclusion of her learning to do anything for herself...In ways that have hindered her and continue to hinder her, til this day, after his death...For instance, my mom cannot drive on the interstate as my dad always did that for her...She won't register to vote because she is so fearful of having to drive downtown for jury duty!

When Mr. W and I were dating, part of that time we were long distance...I was SO INSULTED when he expected me to get my own bags at baggage claim and meet him outside! HMMPH! To me that said that he didn't respect me! What a CROCK! What it really meant is that he DID respect me...He believed me fully capable of figuring out how to do this stuff on my own...This has served me very well...Though I don't want to do stuff without him, I know that I COULD should the need ever arise...

So...Please realize that OM putting his best "southern gentleman" face on for you WAS a way to manipulate and control you...And it WORKED for him! He got to PRETEND that HE was a "southern gentleman" and may even have made reference to the fact that that "Yankee" hubby of yours just didn't get it! (The OM in our case played this to the HILT!) Make sense?

*disclaimer - Southern guys don't pound me for this post...I DO realize, as I said earlier, that there ARE gentlemen who are Southern and also gentlemen who are not...

Mrs. W

P.S. Very cool that there is another "G.R.I.T.S." (Girl Raised in the South) here...I am originally from Atlanta, Dawn, how 'bout you?

I read your blog. That was very insigntful and I thank you for that opportunity.
I tried to talk to the OM's BS but she was not going to have it. And, I can understand that. I mean, she had hated me for 18 years and there I was again. But, I really did want to talk to her. Not in a mean way--I mean I didn't want to be mean to her I just wanted to talk to her--oh well. That's all in the past. It's been over 4 months now so I really do hope she is starting to heal.
Thank you again for that. I do appreciate it.

I hope he does too.




:MrEEk:

OMG, this is getting crazy!! I am from the Atlanta (metro Atl.)area too. A small town about 30 miles SW but I now live in "Gatorland" FL.
I am a very independent person and always have been but I understand what you are saying about some men who do EVERYTHING and the women don't have to and when the men are gone the women are SOL. I have some in my family like this but I certainly am not one of them.
I just mean that OM did sweet, thoughtful things.
My BS being a Yankee (from Michigan) is sweet too but you know the differences!!

You're very welcome.

I've gotten a lot of help here - it was time for me to pay it forward. I hope that gave you some insight to what it's like to be a BS. I don't know if you read it all (it's pretty lengthy since I'm 6 months out), but I touched on some of the childhood trauma I've experienced, and NONE of that compares to the pain of being a BW.

I was literally blinded by rage, despair, emotional agony that I've never experienced in my life. I honestly didn't know if I could live through it. At one point I wanted to die because I didn't think there would come a point in time the pain would subside. I've NEVER physically attacked my husband - and I was driven to that. Looking back I think part of me really did lose grip on reality, and that scared the hell out of me.

I will still continue to answer any question for BS that he asks. Even though I feel like I've explained and explained but I am being patient and if he asks something, I will talk to him about it.
I do realize that it is for as long as it takes. I hope that we can get back to a good place. I have faith that it will happen.

I can understand that. The OM's BS went crazy like that too--according to OM. He said she was throwing things and breaking glass in the back door with her hands and hitting, screaming, etc. So, I think it was probably a natural reaction.
It sounds like you have been through a great deal, other than A and it does sound like it's made you a much stronger person. I commend you on that.

SHUT UP! OMG!

*I* am from a small town 30 miles SW of Atlanta too...I now live in Michigan with my Michigan born and bred hubby, Mr. W...My best friend growing up now lives in Tampa, FL...This is WILD!

Mrs. W<~~~Needs smelling salts!

Actually Dawn, you were addicted to how he made you feel about yourself.

But a toxic addiction, nonetheless.

Yeah I didn't throw anything or break stuff, but I sure wanted to. I did hit and scream though. It was 7 years' worth of garbage coming out. Not that that makes it ok obviously, but that's what it was.

The stuff I've been through, good and bad, has shaped who I am today. I wish I hadn't been through some of it, but I've gotten to like who I am and if that means accepting trauma, then I guess I'll have to. Thanks for the compliment.

Finding out about your spouse's affair will do this to a person.

I am a very controlled person who has always been calm even under insane circumstances. When I found out about my H's A I went completely AWOL...I physically attacked him (something I had never done before and something I have never done since), and then when I got home I started throwing things, breaking items around the house...the next day I couldn't figure out why my legs were all skinned up and bruised...my BIL asked me if I remembered falling down right after I found out ~ I didn't.

I wondered why the pants I had been wearing were all wet and on the floor of my bedroom...again I was asked if I remembered wandering outside with the sprinklers on...I didn't.

In fact, I only remember bits and pieces of those first few hours...my BIL and sister (who were there) have filled me in on some of it, but some of it I don't even WANT to know or remember. That was truly the worst moment of my life.

Teeheehee...Mrs. Dub called me "MF". I just love my name.