THIS is a great response...you are not defensive or making excuses. BRAVO for you!!! I hope you are telling the truth and not just saying this to be "saying the right thing".

If you want to really see the pain of a BS, every step of the way, then go back and read my posts starting around March 1, 2007. Before that we were in a FR (and life was HELL), and then on Feb. 28th, 2007 I got my SECOND d-day...the A had never ended.

You'll see my shock and how I did exposure...and once the adrenaline wore off I went into a major depression. I lost 7 lbs in 10 days, could hardly get out of bed, take care of my children, eat, or function.

And that was my SECOND d-day. The first one was different, but just as bad. I hadn't found MB yet so there is nothing on that...I wish there was, for people like you to read it and really SEE how torturous an A is on the BS.

That was a very welcomed reply from you. You have been pretty tough on me but I can understand why. And, I meant it completely and truthfully. I do know that this A has caused untold damage to everyone involved. I'm not some moron--yes, I've been stupid and I'm trying to learn but everyone makes mistakes. Posts like yours have helped slap me in the face and wake me up. Getting over OP is a difficult thing and it takes alot of time. I will go back and read over some of your previous posts. I'm not a heartless b***h--I do care about others--I just wasn't thinking. Or, maybe I was just so gullible that I actually believed it would be different the second time. Stupid me...

Dawn,

OK. I’ve read the entire thread. It makes me think of something Maya Angelou says: You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better. You didn’t know that you should establish NC for life with OM after the first affair. You didn’t know anything about the brain chemistry of affairs. You didn’t know anything about ENs and LBs. But you’re learning about those things now, and that gives you a shot at really recovering your marriage.

You said you think you know your ENs and your husband’s ENs. Have you discussed them with him? Maybe that’s something you can do this coming Sunday while on your next outing. See if he can confirm his ENs for you and give you some insight as to how he most likes to have them filled.

Are you still struggling with obsessive thoughts about the affair and OM? You’re probably right that having a job begin to crowd those thoughts out. But there are other things you can do to crowd them out. Mainly, focus on becoming a specialist at filling your husband’s most important ENs. Be creative. SF is his top EN? How about spending your day writing a really racy and graphic short story featuring you and your husband? Then read it to him when he gets home. Hopefully, writing the story will help you feel more in the mood.

But you should also share with him what your ENs are and help him find ways to fill them. The more your husband is meeting your most important ENs, the easier it will be for you to put your focus on him and forget about OM.

I feel for you being in a location you don’t like. I went through that many years ago. Looking back on that experience, I regret not doing more to make the most of the situation. So what can you do to make more of your situation? It sounds like it might be a somewhat scenic location. How about taking up photography? Can you teach yourself about the location? It’s history, geology, flora/fauna, etc.? Activities like this are great because you can share what you’re doing with your husband.

When you resumed your affair with OM, why did you keep it secret for 10 months instead of just leaving your husband? Why did you choose moving to a place you hate over divorce? I’m not trying to challenge you on either of these points – just trying to get a better feel for your marriage and your motivations.

How much of your husband’s schedule is a function of his job or career, and how much is a function of his personal style? That is, does the job genuinely require that he work 10-12 hours 6 days a week? Or is that just the way he is?

I went in and read a few of your posts. It's eye opening to say the least and I can see why you are a bit harsh on me. I am the OW--second time around. I have tried to put myself in this womans position and look at it from her perspective. I'm sure it's awful. But, like you--she has chosen to stay and work things out. Good for them, I am glad--really. They have been married 34 years for goodness sake.
I never sent a NC letter to OM nor he to me but, we have had NC for over 4 months now so I think it is pretty much understood. I wanted to send a letter later after DD but didn't. I did do something terrible though. As I stated in one of my previous posts, I sent her all the things that I had that reminded me of him and wrote her a letter. I wanted her to know both sides of the story and to know that I wasn't just operating on my own accord--I wanted her to know what her husband had told me, etc.
He begged me on our last confrontation to please not contact her. I tried to talk to her--not in a mean or hateful way. I really wanted to apologize but she wouldn't have it. So, I sent her the letter and the stuff and that was the end of it.
Like I said we have had NC for over 4 months and I'm trying to get on with it and hope they are as well. Thanks for the opportunity to take a look at those informative posts.

Hey...I just want to chime in here and say that you are taking the right steps by being here and "talking" it out with others wrapped up in these situations. I am on your side of the fence in all of this and have learned that we cannot take back the damage that we have caused our families and children, but we can start doing the right thing NOW. It's not easy for anyone involved, but we have to remember that we would not be here at all if it wasn't for our selfish actions. It is up to us to clean up the nightmare we left for our families and children. Stay strong.

Great ideas.

To try to answer some of your questions. Yes, I'm still struggling with thoughts of OM. I don't know if I would call it obsessive or not. It is getting better and not all the time but nonetheless, still there. I know it takes a long time.

Why did I keep the A a secret for 10 months? Well, that is complicated. I didn't want to hurt my BS--really, I didn't. I had thought about ending the A many times but whenever I tried, OM would "talk" me out of it promising a future together. I don't know. I just can't find explanation really. There are many reasons.

Why did I choose to move rather than divorce? Because I really did want my marriage to work so I did what I thought was best. I felt like I "owed" my BS that much. To do what he wanted or needed me to do.

Ah no Dawn...If you really think about it, I think you will come to realize that your BS WASN'T at the forefront of your mind at all...The motivation for not telling him was really just plain SELFISHNESS...

Really the reasons are more likely this:

1. You didn't wish to give up your BS because he WAS meeting some of your needs...

2. The affair made YOU feel good and you liked it...

3. You wanted to evade the consequences of your actions...Otherwise known as "CYA MODE"...

4. The was a part of you that enjoyed having two men meet your needs...selfishness at it's finest...

BECAUSE, IF you really "didn't want to hurt my BS" and really cared about how he would feel, you wouldn't have engaged in an affair at all...

How's that for brutal honesty? Looking at yourself in this way is HARD, but NECESSARY, imo...

Mrs. W

Continuing in that same vein...I think it's a very rare WS that has their affair "AT" their BS...You don't do it with intent to harm them, but that's because it has nothing to do with them at all really - as I said, the BS is NOT at the forefront of your mind at all - only SELF is...It has to do with what is missing inside the WS...

Mrs. W

ME AGAIN...lol

WSs have a GREAT tendency toward's self-centeredness...So that is why I think it is terrific for a WS to start to focus on others by reaching OUTWARD and HELPING OTHERS...Here on MB is a good place to start, volunteering in the community and at church...Things that take the focus OFF of them...That is why I am not a big proponent of individual counseling, which encourages the WS to talk more about themselves...Unless it is behaviorial therapy which encourages positive changes in ACTIONS..."A little less conversation, a little more action"...

Mrs. W

I think this is worth repeating...dawn, as a FWS, you REALLY MUST figure out what is going on inside of YOU.

I have seen and experienced many a FWS focus on DAMAGE CONTROL and "relying" on reasons and excuses for the A...(lack of ENs being met, marriage problems, etc.)...when sure, these things must be considered, but JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, the FWS really must ALSO figure out what is missing inside of THEM and WHY...and work on repairing those issues.

Thanks to Mrs. W and MFsFWH for jumping in here...very helpful to everyone.

Thanks to everyone for all your suggestions and input. I'm really beginning to see how stupid I've been...

Hey guys. Hope everyone had a great weekend. I think I've finally had a breakthrough this weekend. I'm no longer sitting around with "heart pain" about this OM. Not thinking about him constantly any more. I've decided that I am NOT going to let this guy have the satisfaction of thinking that he's ruined my life. Oh, I'm not contacting him to let him know this--I'm sure he could care less anyway but, I've decided that life is just too short to waste. So, I've discarded the pain that he's caused me and I'm moving on. Still working on marriage and it's going okay. Just thought I'd chime in and let everyone know that things ARE getting better. I'm sure that it will never go away completely but I'm finally getting to that "disgusted" with OM point...thank goodness...

You're sure what will never go away completely?

You control you Dawn...Are we talking good thoughts of OM and the affair? Those WILL go away completely if you choose for them to...When watering your mental garden, DON'T water the WEEDS...Pull those suckers out and toss them...

Glad you had a breakthrough this weekend...

Also I am thrilled to see you over on GQII posting...Good for you!

Mrs. W

Dawn,

Of all of things you have said please read this carefully
Do you see the problem??? Probably not. IF your OM had made good on his promise of a future, you would have destroyed two marriages. Meaning your vows have meant nothing to you over an 18 years period and even now. You don't seem to realize that what you really are saying is if some OM comes along and makes you what you consider a better offer, your current H is toast. Your first H was toast.

Your focus has been on you and your feelings, but has not been on your vows, your boundaries, and what marriage really means. Until you really understand that marriage means "not taking applications for the job already filled", then your H and your marriage is still at serious risk.

Please think about this carefully. What does marriage really mean to you and what do your vows really mean to you.

God Bless,

JL

I do understand what you are saying. I was not just standing around on a streetcorner "taking applications" to fill my husband's position. It is just this one man that I've had a problem resisting. And, now that NC has been established, I am concentrating on my BS and my marriage and the vows that I made. Sometimes, it takes alot to open the eyes of the blind.

I think what JL is saying (and JL correct me if I'm wrong), is you obviously don't have good boundaries. If you did, you never would have had "trouble resisting" OM in the first place. That's what he means by "standing around taking applications." You need to decide what's important. Marriage isn't just a ceremony, but a commitment for life.

If it was just a matter of marriage going bad, then EVERYONE would cheat. The reason I didn't cheat on my H is because I just didn't allow myself to get into that position. I never confided in men about my husband. Ever. I even had a coworker tell me he had feelings for me a while back, and even though my marriage was rocky at that point, I told him I would never cheat on my husband, and I strongly believed that you finish things at home before you start something new.

Just as much as you decided to have a relationship with OM, you can also decide to have VERY strong boundaries so this doesn't happen again. What boundaries will you have within yourself to never let this happen again?

I agree that I had a boundary issue but I am working on that and making my boundaries strong. I am always trying to think of my BS first and foremost and making sure that I too will not put myself in that position again.

Can you give some examples?

Primarily, not talking to other men and having NC with OM. Realizing that I made a committment to my husband and I need to honor that. Being transparent to BS and accounting for all my time.
I am open to suggestions...

Hi all. Things have been going well lately. My BH is working alot but it is required--the job is getting very busy.
But, I have a question...is it normal for me to still have thoughts about OM? Just thoughts of "if I had done this" or "if I had done that when this happened". Just sort of re-living the whole nightmare situation. Is this normal?
How long should it be before I can completely get this man out of my head?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking about breaking NC or anything like that but just sort of beating myself up I guess.
Will I ever be a "normal" person again? Will I ever get this OM completely out of my life? For good?