SOS ... I need quick advice from all the wise mothers here. I dunno why I didn't think of asking y'all's advice before.

Wednesday is DS6s's b-day. Both their classes have someone else who also has a b-day next week, later in the week. Where we used to live, b-day parties were a big deal so I didn't want to conflict with other parties so I thought we should have their party the weekend before, i.e., tomorrow.

About 3 weeks ago I started trying to discuss it and plan it with H. I didn't get much input. It was left to me to ask around cus there's no obvious place to have parties around here - where we lived before, there were skating rinks, tumbling gyms, game rooms with climbing areas for younger kids, etc. There's a Chuck E Cheese two towns over, a 50 minute drive, but this is January and as you know we are prone to blizzards. We wouldn't be able to offer to drive anyone either, cus our Subaru only seats 2 in the front (must be adults) and the back seat has room for two car seats and one small adult can squeeze between them but you couldn't fit 3 car seats across. With me and H and DSs we have no room for another child their age. Huge car but we have no room for extra passengers. (When I was a kid, they woulda piled all the kids in the back of the station wagon. )

Anyway, with no help from H, I was trying to plan a party and also starting to buy stuff. After picking up the kids from school I tool them to go pick out b-day invitations. But they were prolly getting tired and hungry, not the best sitch but it was the only time I could manage and I didn't wanna wait any longer, cus I thought the other parents would need at least a week's notice. Anyway, they acted up at the store, it was almost impossible to get them to help me select what we went there for, and instead they were looking at toys and whining that I wasn't buying them every toy that caught their eye. Yes, Christmas was barely over, and their birthday was in about 2 weeks, yet they were whining that I wasn't buying them more stuff.

So we were finally in line to buy the cards and stuff, they were pouting and fighting with each other, we got to the cash register and... I couldn't find my credit card! I had left it in the car. So I had to run to the car to get it, with all these folks in line behind me... I told DSs to hurry up and come with me real fast, and they refused. I had to grab them by the hands and lead them out.

Anyway, by the time we got home I was in tears. That was the third day in a row that they had acted up when I picked them up or on the way home. Each time, H gave no support when I got home.

So this time I told them that I had just done the last I was gonna do to plan their party. They had better start asking H to decide where to have it and to write out the invitations cus if they wanted anyone to come they better take the invitations to school in the next day or two.

Well almost a complete week went by before H filled out those cards I bought.

We've had about 7 RSVPs: 6 saying they have prior plans, and 1 saying they will come. I think H sent about 12 invitations out.

So the party is scheduled for tomorrow, at a hotel that has an indoor swimming pool and water slide. Since one person RSVP'ed yes, I think we shouldn't cancel it. But this seems horrible to me... I've even heard somewhere, I can't remember if it was a friend or if I read it somewhere, of a guy that when he was little one time no one showed up for his birthday party, and how it crushed him.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I've really let them down. And I don't think too highly of H right now either. Yes yes, if I was gonna state the boundary that I had had enough and wasn't gonna work on the party anymore, I should be willing to let go of the response and let H plan the party in his own way. But it's breaking my heart to see their disappointment. These poor kids are disappointed at almost every turn. It seems their parents can't get hardly any holiday or celebration right - not asking for perfect, but normal sure would be nice once in awhile.

So, would y'all go ahead and have the party? I'm thinking we should, in case there are ppl who would show up without RSVPing, but how likely is that? What would you say to the one other boy and his mom when they show up?

Not technically a "mom", but this happened to one of my DDs around this age. We just turned it into a play date with plenty of cake for all. Swimming in January is very cool to a six year old - good idea. If the lone attendee has other sibs, invite them to come along too and bring a friend.

DH prolly doesn't think party planning is his job. May not really care either. Sending the invites out a few days earlier may not have made any difference anyway in the number of acceptances.

I guess it depends on how well you know the parents who didn't respond, but it might not hurt to give them a ring. "Just checking about DS(x2) bday party, I'm assuming that since we haven't heard from you that you're not coming?"

Although it seems rude, many people don't respond to rsvps these days. Then if you're sure there may only be one friend, are you sure you want to rent the pool? This may be my frugal streak showing through, we never had big parties, just cake, icecream and kids games and enjoyed it just fine.

Hi Jayne.

I feel that kids that age do not (and are not able to) appreciate elaborate or expensive birthdays. All the effort and money you plunk in this one will not be appreciated.

Since you feel resentful that your husband is not helping, this means you are DOING TOO MUCH.

Today I was reminded of this. When I worked (I volunteered to do this project because there was no one else in our owner group to take it on) for two days straight on budgets for two large commercial properties. And had to go to a repeat MAMM and ultraound due to "an area of concern" which scared me since I have had cancer before. (it was all ok)

IT WAS TOO MUCH! WAYYY TOO MUCH!

My husband is out of work and he sat and read a book most of the day and listened to the radio. He did help with some of my computer scanning work. I started snapping at him and became resentful. Then, I realized why.

I WAS TRYING TO DO WAY TOO MUCH, TAKING ON TWO MUCH, AND HAD PRESSURE ON ME. I started LB'ing on him! When we take on too much, try to please people too much, try and meet social demands or obligations with very little time or energy to spare, and try to ease guilt by laying money on the things, then we will become resentful. It is just natural. And then we blame the partner. It is just natural. So, you must save your marriage by NOT taking on too much all the time. But can you do this? I mean, can you NOT take on so much?

I tell you to quit putting all that pressure on yourself. The kids dont need a big birthday party this year. Or any year. A small quiet family BD is fun too. I would call all the people and cancel the pool thing due to "not enough interest".

Even your own husband is uninterested in making a big fat deal of the kid's birthdays. Who are you trying to please by doing it? The kids won't remember it two days afterwards. Your efforts will be wasted.

Start a new healthy trend in your family. REFUSE to put pressure on yourself. Believe me, if you get YOUR OWN LIFE in balance, you will resent your husband 90% less than you do now. At least that is the way it works for me.

Please don't make the same mistakes I made by "taking on too much" and then resenting my husband because he is not "taking on too much".... like I am...


Note:

I am starting to learn that the more my husband is home and out of work, the more chances I have to LB on him. It is so crucial at this time that I NOT ever LB. But he is around so much. That is why I need a balanced life and to quit overworking and putting pressures on myself. Because whenever I try and do way too much or pressure myself I tend to LB on him as a pressure release. And that will start to erode our good marriage.

Take it from me and stop all that pressure to DO CERTAIN THINGS, PLEASE PEOPLE, PLEASE THE KIDS, ETC. Those kids will be fine. Take them bowling or something. Make it easy. Have your husband dress up like a clown....do something easy and creative.

Don't do anything that would cause you to resent your husband. If you cant do things without resentment, why do them at all?

He was not INTO this yet you pushed him and pushed him. This is NOT POJA.

Great advice all around, Stellakat--especially this:


I saw myself in that..

But back to Jayne: I would also agree: Call the parent of the kid who RSVP'd and perhaps invite him/her over to your house for cake, pizza, movies, fun?

Also, something I learned when my kids were smaller. STAY OUT OF THE STORES during the late afternoon/early evening hours, if possible! It's toxic! I would do everything I could to either hit the stores myself at that time of day, or schedule the grocery and other shopping with the kids at another time (Saturday AMs were good).

Hugs, Jayne!

Thanks y'all for all the comments, keep them coming please! I didn't realize all y'all read here, that's really cool to know!

Yes I know I take on too much... Stella keeps telling me that... Maybe there's something I could have omitted but I'm not sure what. We just moved here so no, I don't know any of the other mothers or their phone numbers or even their last names. So can I cancel the party now, in case someone shows up without RSVP'ing?

And I was not planning a fancy elaborate party. I was planning the simplest party I could think of. If we had it at our house, then (1) we would have to clean the house, (2) we would have to put some furniture together downstairs, or move the un-put-together things out to the garage, (3) we would've had to think of something to do to keep the kids entertained, and (4) we would've had to worry about whether people could even make it up the hill to our house, and then make it back home.

E.g., yesterday I had to stay home because an electrician was supposed to come fix the circuit that the fridge is on, since it keeps tripping and the fridge keeps turning off. He almost couldn't make it up the hill, until I called his cell phone and told him of an alternate route. Then, he seriously almost didn't make it out of our driveway. It took about 20-30 minutes of trying, spinning, sliding off into the yard, putting down de-icer, etc. (There wasn't snow on the driveway but some melted snow had dripped onto the driveway and then frozen.)

So, after considering it for several weeks and talking to other moms and to H, *everyone* agreed it is simpler to pay money to have it somewhere in town with the entertainment built in (like a swimming pool). So yes, this WAS me trying to NOT take on too much, and trying to do things as SMALL and EASY as possible.

About eliminating things I try to do, I had all but eliminated DS in an attempt to take on less. That didn't go over so well. I tried to eliminate worrying about picking up the kids just ONE night a week. That isn't working either. Some things are not optional, and leaving the kids at school until the authorities are called is NOT an option.

Maybe in hindsight it would've been better to not have a party at all. How was I to know that, though? Where we used to live, having a party would've been the best way to get to know the other kids and their moms... which is what I keep hearing I should do.

Anyway the party is this afternoon, what do I do NOW?

The other stuff about taking on too much, I'm not dismissing that. I agree. I just don't know how to do that. But I don't want to think about that right now, I just want to deal with the situation at hand for now.

ETA: I forgot about OurHouse's advice about not going to stores in the late afternoon! In the back of my head I know that, but I keep doing it anyway. Maybe now that you've spelled it out for me, I'll remember! Usually H does all the shopping for that reason, because I would have the kids so it's easier for him to go to the store, which is on his way home anyway. But he wasn't, and I didn't want to wait any longer for fear ppl wouldn't be able to come, so I did. We prolly should've done that the previous weekend.

Also: argh I just realized this is a long weekend! I bet that's why everyone is saying they're going to be out of town! Argh!

How did this happen? My kids always have their birthday on Jan. 21, and we would always have the party on the weekend before or after, so how come I never noticed it was near MLK Day before???

Argh, I think I know... I've never been organized enough before to have it the weekend before Jan. 21. I only did that this year because I didn't want to conflict with other birthdays in their class.

Hey, can you please tell me how you approached it? Did you ignore the fact that there weren't very many people, or did you laugh it off, or did you take the other mom into your confidence and share your disappointment, or what? How many kids were there?

Any advice on how I should approach this, what attitude to have, is welcome!

When the other mom called, I did tell her that I was afraid attendance would be low, and she said she'd call around to see if other kids could come. Unfortunately the kids she named (it seems 6b has a group of friends that are all together) were ones we'd already invited and they were all going to be out of town.

Note to self: no more parties on MLK Day weekend! (Nothing against MLK of course; the kids are learning a lot about him in school this past week, and that's wonderful. They even learned who Rosa Parks is. I gotta find that song and play it for them.)

Another mom just called, someone from DS6a's class.

So now both DS6a and DS6b have at least one friend coming. It was gonna be bad if only one DS had a friend show up.

Jayne, that's so cool that the kids each have a friend there That happened to us once, we had a pony and petting chickens. Only one kid came. Finally, some neighbor kids came over, too. DD12 was turning 5, and we were lucky she was too little to notice. All the other parents are going to be jealous that you only had to entertain 4

And that's so cool that you all celebrate MLK in Canada, too! DD12's birthday is President's Day weekend, and DD7 is usually around Easter. We've had to be flexible about when we celebrate it, or plan something small. Two of my brothers have birthdays over the summer, though, that was the worst! They couldn't pass out invitations at school, and lots of kids were away.

Ears, that helps to hear it happened to you too once, and to OurHouse. Wow, even with a pony and chickens. I'm glad to hear we aren't the only ones. So maybe it isn't the end of the world, maybe it doesn't mean the kids will be social outcasts until they graduate high school or until we move, maybe it doesn't mean we are horrible parents.

And you can understand why it would be a lot easier to have the kids at a swimming pool rather than at our house, can't you? Keeping in mind that, according to the rule of you can invite as many friends as your age, that would mean we could potentially have 7 kids x 2 plus our 2 kids = 16 kids, just old enough to be destructive and to demand to be entertained, but not yet old enough to find it entertaining just to be at a party. At a swimming pool we don't have to do *anything*. They even provide towels.

Oops, sorry, we are now in the States, so we're celebrating MLKJr. in the U.S. I know it's hard to keep up with where we are! LOL But it's still pretty cold and prone to blizzards.

Oop, there's a limit to how long an "edit reason" can be! Anyway I was just making a joke about the other kids being sorry they went to "gramma's" rather than our party LOL

And I'm J/K!

Radio Shack is hilarious... H just bought a "Gender Adapter".

I would ask if its like my Shewee, but being electronics I am guessing...

Its either a double female or a double male adaptor plug for your computer?

I did have to laugh when I first heard about male and female plugs in electronics, but the funniest one I've come across is that in computer networking when a computer is set to listen to any packet of information coming down the network regards of who sent it, then it means it has been set to "promiscuous" mode!

LOL "promiscuous" mode!

Ok, quick update, since I've already spent too much time giving 2x4's on another thread. (Hope y'all don't think I'm too mean.)

So, we went ahead with the pool party, each DS had one other person show up from their class, and each of those friends had an older brother, so in all we had 4 1st graders and 2 older kids who helped play with the younger kids. I also got in the pool and did things like catch the friends as they came down the slide. (My kids didn't need catching!) One of the mothers stayed with me so I had someone to talk to. We got along, and she's only lived here a couple years so she's an "outsider" as well. The pool area was small enough that it seemed like a good number of people.

H was getting the cake etc., and setting up the other room, so he didn't spend much time in the pool area until near the end. Will it surprise anyone to hear that he didn't go in the pool? (For those just joining, H was on his high school swim team, yet for some reason usually refuses to go swimming with the boys. One theory was that he didn't like swimming in lakes, but this was an indoor pool.) The other mom had been a lifeguard. Me, I was just jumping off the diving board for my sister to catch me since I was 3, and dog paddling to the side. Maybe a year of lessons at the Y when I was older. But I was the only one in the pool with the kids... and it wasn't even my kids who needed help! Oh well. Maybe these yankees and canucks just don't love water as much as us Georgia crackers. LOL

So over-all the kids had a good time and it didn't seem too embarrassing that there were only two actual guests. In fact the other parents stayed quite awhile after cake was served and presents were opened, I was actually getting tired! Then we had a room so we went there to rest for a bit, then went down to use the exercise room (the kids love that, even though I know they aren't supposed to "play" on the equipment) and then we checked out and headed home. It was a pretty good party, not the disaster I feared.

Glad to hear it! I have to say, I never would have thought to do what you did. I wish I had!

Although for D18's 18th party, she informed us that her 18th birthday party would be her and 2 or 3 friends spending the weekend in Dallas at her favorite hotel and going to the malls, lol. Turned out pretty fun, but boy it added up!

Jyane, I'm glad the party went well!

I noticed that you seemed kinda triggered over on SW's thread. Did it bring up anything for you that you'd like to talk about?

I noticed specifically that you asked SW to apologize again. Not to TJ over there, but why did that seem like a good option to you? Did it bring up a time for you, where someone brought up a private concern with you in front of another family member and you felt it was inappropriate?

I'm not sure... I'm not necessarily saying MB stuff (except for the part that I specifically said was what Steve had just told me). I'm just saying what seems to have worked for me... or what feels right to me.

Maybe I apologize more than others... but if I had done something that I later came to realize was a huge LB, I think I'd want to give an apology in person as well. Or maybe, looking at it from the POV of the recipient, it would seem more sincere to me if the person apologized in person as well. Leaving a msg on voice mail just doesn't seem big enough for the ... change of heart? sea change? change in attitude? that it seems (I hope) that she is undergoing.

Somewhere recently I read an article about how ppl want different things from an apology - they require different things from an apology in order to accept it. Did anyone else see the same thing? I wonder if it was something from CNN's homepage. I think some of the choices were:

- sincerity;
- remorse;
- understanding of what they did and why it was wrong;
- an attempt to make amends;
- a promise to not do it again.

So, for one person they would feel best and be more happy about forgiving if the apology was repeated to make sure they really meant it (sincerity). For another, repitition wouldn't mean anything, but maybe a gift to cheer them up would warm their heart. For another, a gift might even be insulting, but what they would want is for the person to seem remorseful.

I think this might be me; and to me, if the person just left a msg on voice mail, it seems almost flippant; I would feel better if they followed up by telling me in person, "You know, I really am sorry that I ambushed you like that. I'm learning a lot about the mistakes I've been making in our relationship, and I realize now that ambushing you or cornering you to talk is disrespectful and selfish. I really am trying to do better. I really do love you and want to make things better."

Well I guess that covers several things: sincerity, remorse, understanding, and a promise to do better. Anyway, I know I'd feel a whole lot better about the sincerity of an apology if the voicemail msg were followed up in person, giving me the chance to talk it out maybe even.

Maybe that's it - for voicemail, there's no give-and-take of conversation! I wouldn't get to say something in return!

Well, thanks for the opportunity to talk about that article on different kinds of apologies. I've been meaning to mention that for the past few days. It also was interesting to work through out loud why I'd want an in-person apology.

I take it you think the one apology should be enough? I can see how someone might say that after one apology you should just move on. That just wouldn't convince me of the sincerity though, and wouldn't give the sense of closure that a face-to-face conversation would. I would both give the follow-up apology and want to receive such a follow-up apology.

You know what the in-person apology would do? It would show humility. And in a situation like theirs, any shred of humility would move mountains, IMO. On either side. They're so intent on winning they won't budge. Crazy-making.

The other thing it would do would be - maybe - lead the way into the two of them actually talking TO each other, instead of AT each other.

Notice she doesn't approach anything of what we said last night, today. Conveniently ignores it. Hoping she's still writing.

Thanks, jayne, I thought you had more to say there. I didn't ask out of disagreeing with you, I just find that there are some big things under the surface sometimes. There was another poster, maybe lildoggie, who posted a great article a week or two about it. Really empowering, to be able to take mistakes and make amends, and put them behind us.