As usual, when stuck, I come here to share... to sort out things in my mind...heart.

From past experience, when I am faced with a challenge that I am not sure if I am up to it... my anxiety level seems to rise.

So, what in my life could be playing 'mind' games with me, and just putting it out could put things to rest?

- the operation I am about to have in about a month's time, which in principle is a 'routine' one...instead my mind has decided to focus on the worst scenarios possible and, of course, in so doing making life needlessly miserable because there is very little I can do...in fact, I may just make it worse by worrying about it!....so? I better stop that.

- there is a mediation session schedule next week with WS, the last one being sometime in August 2008 (before my dad's illness and death) and that's creating MAJOR butterflies in my stomach....so? it will come and go as so many other things have.

- there has been some stress added at work...so? just doing the best I can regardless

- the winter here is very long, apparently here suicides in the month of Feb. are the hightest...so? a couple of more weeks and than it's March.

It really gets to me when I KNOW that I have very little to complain about...rather I have a lot to be grateful for...and yet, this nagging anxious feeling seems to prevail...inspite of the obvious!

GGGRRRRHHHH!

Hey Luna,

How are you? What have you done for yourself lately that is good and loving?

Hugs to you sweet woman.

Hi Queenie,


...a few years ago I took a workshop on Nonviolent Communication whose main focus is on learning how to listen to ourselves and others with our hearts (empathy). At regular intervals those who have taken the workshop can be part of a 'practice' group... so I treated myself to a one-day get-together with a bunch of people who, like me, want to learn healthier ways to treat ourselves and others!

...this in turn helps me deal a bit better with my anxiety level at some 'expected contact with WS' to help reach settlement of Plan D.

Thanks for the hug...I really can use it today.

I am lurking on your thread. You're getting great advice. Stay the course.

well then here are some more

When I looked at realistically at what needed to be done get through Plan D, and realized how costly it would be to work out settlement only through attorneys, I was open to mediation session.

When mediation sessions did not look like would be enough.... having to work through figures etc. it was not the most productive way of dealing with matters.

So...I was open to have phone exchanges with WS.

Discuss figures over the phone not so productive either....

So...with my armour in place ....I have accepted to meet WS directly.

Please wish me all good luck....I will need it! :crosseyedcrazy:

Thanks for the hugs, Queenie!

Good luck, Luna. When are you sitting down with him?

...supposedly...tonight.

...and tomorrow night is mediation session.

A double dose of WS... :crosseyedcrazy:

...I guess I have survived worse!

I think you're ready, Luna. You'll be fine.

Just stick to the task at hand and don't let him spew Fog-laced justification at you.

Thanks for the support, SD.


When I spoke to WS to arrange to meet, warned him that should he start making demands, DJ and AO, I would 'call him' on it, and if need be....postpone discussion.

Now...I just have to walk the talk! :RollieEyes:

But as G-d leads you, he will spread open the path for you to walk... and take care of yourself.

You are such an amazing woman Luna. I am truly honored to know you.

Thanks for the support, Queenie. I am going to need it!

Luna,


Fill us in. May the Force be with you girlfriend...

Hi Everybody,

....it's the day after....because of circumstances...my 'exchange' with WS last night remained a phone conversation.... two hours long.

Yes...putting the 'light on' makes the monster less scary...

Inspite of everything, having known the man for over 20 years....or even a perfect stranger... I can see 'through' his façade... as unhappiness and pain is universal....

Our conversation ended shortly after D18 came back home.... and I FELT the pain WS was feeling... because he so misses having DS18 in his life... jealous of me at all sorts of levels...

...and I suspect....being open to spend 2 hrs over the phone with me.... at some level,I felt was talking to someone who misses ME in his life... but is too proud to admit it!

I believe WS is eager to have the Plan D paper because he hopes it will do the 'trick' and he won't FEEL what he may be feeling.....

I am also ready for the Plan D paper... the difference between WS and I... is that I KNOW it ALONE will change....NOTHING.....

I am OK with the mediation meeting tonight.... and I will be back to let you all know.

So....let's summarize....

YES....putting LIGHT on the MONSTER....makes it IN FACT... less SCARIER and less PAINFUL!

This IS helping me. Plan D gets less scarier by the minute!

I also know that WS cannot get around my 'honesty'....and I am holding up the mirror....and I don't think he likes what he SEES!

Will WS realize that the problem is NOT with the mirror...but with the person in front of it?

That's HIS journey....

Wow, Luna! I can hear your ROAR from here.

You sound great! Good for you!

Thank you for that update. I HOPE that my WxH is hurting over the loss of his DD15. I know DD15 is hurting for him.

It helps to see a glimpse of humanity in someone else's WH, it gives me hope that mine, too, still has SOME remorse>

Fox

Hi Fox,


When I told WS that DS18 and I finally came to a deal where I would be comfortable giving him driving lessons, WS, who had offered to do it, made no bones about admitting how hurt he was over the fact that DD18 hadn't asked HIM and wanted to know WHY from me...and why did I not insist that he be involved :crosseyedcrazy: ...I agreed...'learning to drive' was a guy thing, but I did not question DS18 over it (and WS knows better than to ask me to question or insist on anything when it comes to 18 yr-olds!)

WS haha moments....facing what they are MISSING! ...and of course, blame BS for it! :RollieEyes:

I am sorry too for both your DD15 and your WxH. They are both 'missing' the chance of sharing time together.

For you, like me...other than not getting in the middle, their R is out of our hands.... inspite of what WS would like us to believe by wanting to place THAT responsibility of our shoulders.

Hey Luna

How are you doing?

Yes, Ms Luna,,,,what's up?

Just popping by to say hi,,,,,

and

about this - -
Nicely done,,and nicely said! You sound really good here!!

Update.

Had mediation session with WS. It is definitely the best way of effectively handling the 'details' of divorce settlement.

However....there is a price to pay for everything.

I doubt many of you will be surprised that, between our phone exchange and the mediation session, and as hard as I tried and did manage to have most of WS's wayward comments 'roll off my back'....2 days later.... some are lingering on in my mind... like some bad odor that won't go away.... hitting hard some of my fragile wounds... and set me back a few steps....

And so for my benefit and yours.... here is are a few remarks WS made that hit me hard, which I am hoping I can partly put to rest by...sharing: :RollieEyes:

phone exchange - I can't remember the context (or don't want to!)he informed me that now he had to take into account his new and 'adopted' family: DS13, DS18 and his GF and her 3 children

(talk about twisting a knife into the wound!)

- my inside screamed and is still screaming... are you telling me that you are choosing to remove 'support' in all senses - financially, emotionally, etc - from your own wife and family and kids and you prefer 'being there' for someone's else wife and kids?
- this awakens inside of me feelings of rejection, jealousy, envy, anger, abandonment, discouragement, disappointment, injustice, helplessness, powerlessness... which in turn point to numerous unmet needs.... of which I am well aware!

mediation session:

- at one point he complained about not seeing DS18 very much, once a month, wished he could see him more, makes himself available, invites him to supper...but DS18 finds 'excuses' not to see him and has put an 'x' on relationship for now. Example, he learned that I was giving DS18 driving lessons and he was deeply hurt as he had offered and can't understand why DS18 did not ask HIM... I agreed...since I thought driving lessons was a 'guy thing'.... and WS wished that I insist that he go and see him.... I said that I did not want to interfere in their R....and suggested that it would not work as DS18, as he has, simply would ask me to answer YES or NO and let the advice go....as he has a right too!

- WS putting an 'x' on R with DS18 really hurt... because I know GF's son leaves upstairs... and mostly likely WS is there and sees him more than he sees DS18.... and of course, WS handles his guilty feelings by dropping the ball in DS18's lap!
...I thought to myself.... what an insensitive coward! ...he sees no link between him CHOOSING GF and her family and DS18's behaviour.....

- at one point WS pointed out to mediator that, although he wanted to have 'parental' discussions with me for the benefit of the boys, I was unwilling to have any.... but on this one, I could not help but point out to him if he had 'taken the trouble of asking himself why that is?'..... would it have anything to do with the fact that he lied and cheated and is living with OP, and that he refuses to acknowledge the pain it has and is causing me and the wound I am trying hard to heal without any help from him?

...I was glad it came at the end of the session.... as I would not be able to concentrate after that! ...too many emotions ROSE up... but I was glad I did not let it go..... WS blaming ME for us not talking was just TOOOOOOO MUCH! As you can imagine, WS had little too add....

Anyways... the next session will be after my stint at the hospital in mid-March... which is good. I can't take too much contact with WS...they are EXHAUSTING.... this will give me a breather.

Thanks to all for 'listening' to my rant.... WS is still very much in laland...

One other thing I hope is on its way to being settled as well - division of household furniture, etc. I reiterated that last Fall, when I requested mediation session be put aside due to my Dad's illness (and subsequent death), I did communicate to WS to make a list of what he wanted, particularly what is clearly HIS, and to come and get it...

Of course, in session, when WS mentioned that he did not really have any room for any additional furniture (which is why he has been dragging his feet)....I was happy that the mediator suggested to WS he look into selling furniture items or consider storage. I am looking forward to see what he will do about that or say in the next session.

Thanks to all for 'listening' to me. I need to rest up. Too much contact with WS this week. It has worn me out. Need to charge up the batteries.

(cont'd)

...I seem to have spiralled down a bit.

.....and one of my biggest wounds seems to have been awaken.... and I am still not sure how to turn it around.... change my perspective...

...the 'whole thing', if I linger on it for too long, comes down to feelings of having 'failed' my family, S and boys, even friends.... of not having been, being 'good enough'.... and I still can't figure out why I am choosing to measure myself to a 'standard' of sorts that I can't yet even figure out where it even comes from..... my own irrealistic idea of marriage and family?

....and the biggest 'inadequacy' is that of having failed as a parent....settled and compromised....as that is how I see the separation... the boys not really having a place they can call 'HOME'... but rather at mom's or at dad's..... even inspite of knowing full well that I can take on part of the responsibility but not FULL responsibility for it.

...and is it really only my OWN need to belong... being part of a family....I felt I BELONGED.... now I don't feel I belong anywhere....like I am...lost somehow.... and if so, how do I compensate or learn to live with what seems to be an 'unnet need'?

What have I learned?

....to focus on and be grateful for what I DO HAVE.... and in so doing, maybe not deny but least minimize the LOSS!

...focus on today...

....go do something I CAN do...and not focus on what I can't do anything about!

... do the best I can GIVEN circumstances I consider out of my control.

...not judge me....appreciate my qualities....embrace and respect my limits.

(...crossing my fingers hoping all this works!)