Sorry.

Yes and no. He can't fix the living problem if he is still drinking, though. He has to stop drinking and fix his living problem. Once he fixes his living problem he can STAY SOBER.

For real? So then, basically, this is all my fault? Can't be - he's a big boy. But, I've been the main obstacle in his sobriety/recovery? But I thought it was you who said the 'makes them solvable' at some point. I really thought I had that part down pat. Not that it matters now. I'm so confused.

But he wasn't. So I wonder what you think the 'living problem' is/was for him. This is bigger than just alcohol, me thinks.

I've been reading my posts from years past. Wow. I'm in the same place. That is insane. Literally!

No Plan B. FYI. I'm not interested.

You are to blame to volunteering to participate in this - again. He is to blame for his drinking.

Julie

I've been reading my posts from years past. Wow. I'm in the same place. That is insane. Literally!

Ditto

You said my words.

IT IS INSANE

Thats why its called the merry-go-round

ML
I went back to my earlier post because the word "it" left my intention vague. My intention was that the alcoholism is a huge LB-Not the person who makes another aware is commiting a LB.

I did edit the post

Sorry

Nesre

Thanks for the clarification, nesre!

Well tonight was uneventful. H & I managed to have close to zero communication and minimal eye contact. DD/12 had dance tonight so that kept me busy for a while. It reminded me of what's REALLY important to me: my kids. DD has so many amazing opportunities right now - she's in dance, band, and is currently trying out for a lead role in the school play. DS/9 & I have plans to go to a movie this weekend. Pretty sad that I allow myself to put these things to the side when H is around...I was totally invested in him, so much that I lost my commitment to the kids, and it was all for the same inevitable result!

I feel like I've got more clarity now. That this D really needs to take place, and I really need to move on - allow myself to grow - enjoy a good life. I deserve that. I'm not sure what or when we'll tell the kids but it's really not top of mind at this point.

Well, I just wanted to update, if for nothing else to get my thoughts out of my head. I notice nobody has much to say to me - this is very telling, as in, DUH - you've been telling me this for 3+ years! This is very embarrassing. Gives me a real sense of what my mom must go thru & tell herself.

I'll try to get on here again tomorrow evening after work. Thanks for reading & sticking by me.

Julie - teach your daughter mental toughness - it will help her stay in character no matter what happens on stage, but it will also help her through what her daddy's about to do to her.

Tony Robbins has a good resource on this - to have some kind of physical or mental anchor to connect to the right feelings at the right time - and you focus on that trigger, no matter what is going on. I think he talks about anchors in his "Awaken the Giant Within" book. If your public library has any of his CD programs, check it out and listen to it with her.

You have to prevent the old dry drunk from wrecking her high school experience (like my father did a chunk of mine only worse)

Julie

It does get pretty quiet on the board When alchohol is involved.

Your not the only one whos embarrassed.

Some how Nesre + W went to MC yesterday. I was fortunate enough to find a MC who worked directly under Harley for 7 years. I thought it would be so easy.

Boy was I wrong....

There was no fluff, niceities, or BS allowed...<-----Definately don't mean betrayed spouse.

When I turned away for one second this well dressed light framed christian woman took out the biggest friggin 2 x 4 and clubbed me right along side the head. She clean knocked me offa my high horse.

But don't stop there......

Whilst I was on the ground trying to shake off the 2 x 4 she grabbed one of those garden tools you use to loosen up the dirt around plants and flowers and raked it several times across an old scab that I "thought" was healed totally years ago. It was a bloody mess.

Next-->-Worked not only on Me but also W-with no holds barred... but thats hers.....

The whole point was not to hurt me-it was to make me very... extremely.... precisely...keenly... aware of how past events in MY life affect my behavior today.

MY carried over
behavior from the past events is
damaging to our R today.



.period.no excuses...end of story...WORD

Eye opening--yes
Humbling---extremely
Uncomfortable--my words couldn't do it justice in trying to describe it
Ego deflating---yes
Embarassing-Made it hard to face myself. Harder to face W.


This lady talked to us a total of about 30 minutes out of our lives up to this point yet she told us exactly how we relate to each other...being very specific... and precise..very exact....knows exactly what the problems are.

I've had some individual counseling in the past but nothing ever compared to this.

I did get homework though-Read HNHN's out loud with the W. A whole big packet of pw.EN'sQ etc/

We have to go out to a comedy or romantic movie over the weekend.

I know Where I would like this to lead.I know for myself I need to give this my best shot. Even if the M can't be salvaged the awareness gained will be extremely valuable in the future.

Regardless of the M bottom line is


I can't escape from myself. No matter where I go or who I am or am not with.


If I keep this behavior our M is doomed. If I carry this behavior into another R down the road then what have I gained? That one eventually will also be doomed.

Julie, I know from your last few posts it appears your headed for D. I missed some of your posts over the summer so I don't know what was tried for recovery.

I know also from some of your past posts that alcoholism has had an affect on your life even b-4 M. Could there be something there? Not only from your side but maybe from H's? I'm not a counselor, I can't see into your life through this screen. Is it worth looking into? I'm not trying to talk you into or out of anything.


Ask yourself.....

Just like your the circles in your life--Take a good look at my sig line and tell me what I've been doin....


I'll support you with whatever your final desicion is and you take action with.

I still pray for you and your whole family.

Nesre

50 –YIKES!! BS
Married 27 yrs
A/CD treatment 8/1986
FWH 1987
Me N/C w/OW for 3 mo's after W asked me to give her up
Mutual agreement to get back together
DS 25 DD 15
Her
WW 44
EA/PA –1986/1987 A Ended after 1½ yr seperation-NC w/OM for 4 months-
Mutual agreement to get back together
A/CD treatment 1988 Relapse in 1998 6 treament programs since-none completed
EA/PA 2004?—10/2006? Mixed w/alcohol relapses-attempting to stay sober
Treatment 12/06 -Just wants to leave A in the past-“WE” know what to do
Until 3/2008 dry drunk-
Current-Mixed Alchohol relapses and brief dry stretches
EA? PA? ONS? Drunk?

Hey Nes,

Thank you for posting to me. I am SO HAPPY for you that you've found such a great counselor!

YES - there is definitely something to the fact that I was raised in an alcoholic home. YES - my behaviors can be dispicable (sp?) at times. YES - I am headed for D. His decision, not mine, but I know it's best. My boundaries are so bad & H is so resistant to counseling, etc. that "fixing it" or attempted R will only inevitably lead us back to exactly where we are now. And where we were a year ago. And again 2 yrs before that.

Just by reading my posts since I got here I saw & then realized how insane (literally!) this is. It has to stop. My kids deserve so much better. And each time I learn, grow, change, build...I squash it all in the arms of my H who was never on the same path as me.

I cannot blame him for this, per se. I also cannot ask or expect him to change. He's not the H for me. This isn't the family for my kids. This isn't the life any of us should be living.

I'm OK. It's going to get rough again and then I'm going to get good again. I've always appreciated your posts & support. I wasn't sure if I should move to the Divorced Board or what but have kept busy & sane (well, sorta) enough that I've done neither, for now.

Now, how did you find this counselor??

Julie

First I printed the article on how to find a MC

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Then I checked the registry

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/counselors/


Nothing in my state came up no matter how I searched.

I began by calling 2 seperate counselors out of the yellow pages. I used the article questions plus made sure they also deal with alcohol and drug addiction issues. Her add also said Christian counselor. She works solo out of her office. Receptionist is the only other there.

I think she was just as surprised when I talked about MB's.

Got extremely lucky with only two calls.

If you move please let me know. I'd like to try to keep up with ya.

Maybe it wont be long b-4 I get there. Shes out tonight--drinking. Not a good night..

I know our situation is a long shot. I gotta give it this one last try b-4 I move on.
Even if W doesn't want to continue M or MC then I will probably continue so I have someone to keep me responsible for the enforcement of the bounderies. Also help dig deeper into some issues I thought I had taken care of.

Gotta run

Some how she got my password log in so I may not be back for a while-we will see.

Nesre

Nes, thanks for the linky(s). I will investigate. I've found there are several support groups for divorcing/separated/divorcees locally. Some for the kids too. That's probably a good place to start.

I'm sorry your W was out drinking...that's a feeling I know all too well and I just don't want it anymore. It's been 10 years, I'm 31 now, and nothing is changing. I'm not equipped to change it & STBXH doesn't want to. I have to consider my own marketability and also, like KA said, DD's HS years fast approaching.

So, me & the kids will become support-group-junkies & see where our next life takes us. Between Al-Anon, Alateen, divorce groups, this site & kids' extracurriculars, we will be some busy, healing, happy folks. We have to be.

I've got a lot to be grateful for. I can mostly afford our life now, as opposed to a year ago when I was VERY dependent on my parents, I've got a great support system for myself and the kids, and the bounce-back this time has been much quicker. I had one desperate day but have since been A-OK.

Sidenote: Had a frozen pipe in the kitchen last night. This is happening everywhere as we've been seeing -teens the last couple days. I was afraid - neither STBXH nor I had done anything to prepare for or prevent frozen pipes. I ran the space heater overnight & just about 30 min ago it broke free. WHEW! I did it - all by myself! No plumber! No asking STBXH for help! No panic!

Blessings are everywhere. It's the little things. I am safe.

There's something about Saturdays in this house. STBXH seems to expect I'll still put everything together. Divorce proceedings, his plans w/DD today, how he'll handle his cell phone...and of course wants to argue when my response is, "make it happen" as opposed to the previous usual, "I'm on it". I'm not going to lie here & let it all happen around me but my current feeling is he wanted this, he can do the leg-work this time.

He's being reasonable in his proposed CS dollar-amount & not removing things the kids & I use (this time) like TVs, etc. We'll see how it goes once we're actually in a courtroom. He's still offering to put both kids on his insurance starting next month & I actually was talking w/DD/12's bio-dad the other night about him doing the same. It feels awful pawning my kids off onto their respective dads' insurances, but it's a huge savings for me, and I need to be smart w/things like this, right? More money to maintain our household/lifestyle? DD is looking at braces really soon.

Noteworthy: STBXH's FAVORITE movie EVER: Ground Hog Day.

Coinky-dink!?

Yea, probably.

So, STBXH is looking online @apartments, etc. this morning & DS/9 says to him, "you're looking at houses?" I didn't hear STBXH's response and DS didn't ask more, he's pretty oblivious to things - whether truly so or by choice. Then STBXH seeks me out upstairs to ask me questions about debt, etc. as he's gotten paperwork & is filling it out. Voices raised when he tried to say the back-log of debt incurred whilst he was out of the house last year is MINE and he owes none of it. Afterwards, DD/12 comes into my room and says, "what is it this time? I heard you guys fighting." I told her not to worry about it right now, that there are no secrets, and we can talk later. (She's got a performance this afternoon & I don't want her fretting while trying to stay on task)

STBXH, in his anxiousness, looks forward to telling the kids this afternoon. Right now DD/12 is on her way to her performance. For the first time ever, this time around, maybe because I know it's FINAL, I considered telling the children together. However, I can't see a way to rightly do that. I know it's come up on this board before and I'm torn. I want to so that they know we're both certain this D is going to happen, yet knowing H will spin it all I don't want to argue in front of them. Perhaps letting him tell his side, then me mine later, is best? Not sure.

And, I know you're all fed up with me, but I did apologize. And this is for real this time. You were all there for me as I was doing the WRONG things...I could really use some support now. I'm still very confused and a little bit sad, definitely scared at times. Show a sister a little love? Anybody?

He's being reasonable in his proposed CS dollar-amount & not removing things the kids & I use (this time) like TVs, etc. We'll see how it goes once we're actually in a courtroom. He's still offering to put both kids on his insurance starting next month & I actually was talking w/DD/12's bio-dad the other night about him doing the same.

This sounds good to me. I would type it all up and then when you talk with him more, get him (and you too) to sign and date it. That way what he says is in writing. If you hammer everything all out in writing, and then both sign it, then there wont be many attorney costs or court costs.

He chose his booze over you. But just make sure once you are divorced that you go to al-anon so you dont fall for another addict again!

Good going girl!

Thanks Stella.

FYI, he lowered his "agreed to" CS amount again, but I'm thinking it's still close to fair so perhaps I will take your advice & type/sign it.

So is that really the general concensus, that the booze has won? Like I said, I'm very confused. I'm not fighting it, I know it's "right" (though I strongly resent what this is going to do to the kids AGAIN (though I accept my own share of responsibility for this set-up)) and I know this is an opportunity for which I'll soon be grateful...to move on with my life...but I can't say I understand it very clearly.

I'm back to Al-Anon & will not stop going. I should really invest some time & effort into finding IC too, though I do not know where to start. The Pastor didn't return my phone call again after I told him it's too late for H & I!