Queenie, Cinder, Why, Believer, Luna, PM, Barbie, SD

Thanks to all of you for the support!!! I just don't know what I would do without all of you.

YES! I have thought of all of these things - over and over again. I was advised that the nursing staff called Child Protection this morning. Because of the holiday Monday, nothing will be done until Tuesday. The baby may be released on Sunday, so at this point she can take him wherever she wants to. I was honest with her today and told her what is going on and she is very upset. You really can't talk with her because all she wants to do is argue. She's an addict. Of course she feels she can take care of him, but everyone knows that she is not capable. Its heartbreaking.

I feel that I owe it to her to take care of him during the days that she is in detox. I feel like I need to give her the chance to come clean. The nurses talked about it with me this morning, and how it might be easier to let him go into a foster care situation, but I just don't know if I can do it. I know it will be hard to give him back after that time, but if she takes him to the mother/child rehab with her, she will have people there to help her.

I talked with my atty this morning, and he agreed that I should send a letter stating the facts. I did so and he will forward to WHs atty and WH.

One good thing came out of it today. DD had a framed picture of her and her dad, and when I saw it I really didn't feel anything except a little sadness that we are in this situation. It was like looking at a stranger, and I didn't even feel any attraction. It was wierd. He has just become someone that I don't know at all. I think I've entered the indifference stage.

So, in the end I don't know what I will do. I feel like I have caused so much stress for her at a time when it should be a happy memory. It's been hell for the poor thing. I almost wish that I would have left it alone. When I told her PO that yesterday, he said that if I had, she probably would have gotten off the crack pipe charge and WH would have an empty apartment waiting for her in a borderline drug infested area. He didn't see that as a positive situation at all. In my heart, I know that would be a disaster waiting to happen, but everything that I am doing is causing chaos and stress which isn't good either.

If I end up taking the baby for 28 days, all of my friends said that they would help me through. I just don't know what the right answer is.

I know it is hard. I would find out more about the laws in your state. In California, they try to give mom a chance to get her act together. Don't think that will happen in the case of my sons' friend. She just continues to march.

My only concern for you is that when DD is out of rehab, she may start up again on drugs and insist on taking the baby. In that case, it will be you against her.

And it doesn't seem like she has learned any lesson. Otherwise she wouldn't be so argumentative.

Chai,

I have never posted to your thread, but I have kept up with it. All I want to say is, you and your family are in my prayers.

God bless,

JM

Have you thought about looking into becoming a foster mom for your grandson?
The bennies are: Not only are you grandma, but you have the law of the rules/foster care system behind you- and DD will know that.

I know someone who "fostered" niece- this is here in Michigan- and I don't even know if they do this type of foster situation anymore.

The downside: once in the system- you are in the system.
Foster parents have no say on what/when/how state handles child-- they take their advice- and do what caseworker decides.

They may see a conflict- if DD does not stay clean-
Also once she was a foster mom- they were constantly trying to give this lady more kids. :MrEEk: THe system is way crowded in MI-
So on second thought- maybe not a good idea- just trying to give you options.

Very hard.
I will keep you in my

I think Barbiecat might be onto something. Instead of fostering though, what about guardianship? We are guardians of my nephew even though his dad is in the picture and lives in the same town. We call the shots about his life and have full authority to make all decisions, even visitation with his dad. As guardians, we are also entitled to receive support to help support him.

This might work with you where YOU are the one with the decision-making power, but it takes ALOT to get a guardianship ordered when the parent is around. We took our nephew to get him out of the foster care system (he'd already been moved around to 4 different families before we found out what was going on.)

Michele, thanks for dropping by. The support of this board is the only thing that keeps me going.

Believer, Barbie, PM

Trust me guys, I have gone over all of the possibilities in my head and I am living in a state of constant confusion. What I still come back to is that I'm 54, single, supporting myself (and not very well either), and I have no one to help me. The only family I have is a mother in a nursing home and a 63 year old brother that has a bad back and just had knee replacement surgery. I would be totally on my own. It's hard enough being a single parent when you are 30. I can take him for a little while, but long term it would be difficult. He needs two parents long term.

Things get worse. DD told the nursery staff that her OB gave her an antibiotic for a GI infection, which was why she was tired. Of course they checked with him and it was a lie. I suspect what she is doing is getting Methadone from more than one doctor. Child Protective Services will probably fry her now. Her PO mentioned that the rehab (the one she got kicked out of) said something about her falsifying a prescription. I think she has now dug a very deep hole for herself.

I took a friend with me tonight to visit the baby, and the friend said it was so obvious that DD was drugged and would much rather be out partying.

I know that in this state, they do give the mother time to get it together and turn things around. I think it is a year, but I'm not sure. A child goes into foster care or with a family member during that time.

Looks like I will be talking with my atty Monday to see what my options are. The problem is that now I am getting very attached to him, which is to be expected because he is my grandchild.

And WH? Where is he? DD hasn't seen him since he dropped by last Sunday "in rare form" as she said. Of course he is probably still slinging mud over the fence at me.

PM - I'm a little confused. Does your nephew actually live with you?

Yes, we've had him since he was 12. He's 16 now. In May his dad gets off his 10 yr. probation and our nephew will finally get to live with his dad again. That has been the goal all along. We will still be his guardians until he is 18 though and have the authority to make all the decisions about him.

Chai,

Sweetheart, I wish I had the perfect advice to give you. I can not imagine the heartache you are going through.

You are doing well, though, getting sound legal advice. Whatever you choose to do, I am confident that it will be the right thing for everyone concerned. You, DD, and DGS.

I understand what you are saying about being a single parent and am glad you are giving it full consideration before making any kind of decision. A support system is critical for anyone in tha sitch, and at any age. It is not easy. It is not something to enter into lightly if you have options. It takes an incredible amount of strength and honesty to stand up and say that perhaps you are not the best person to care for your DGS. I so admire you for that.

Hang in there!

And I will touch base with you the next time I'm going to be in Columbus and have a bit of free time. I'd love to have that latte with ya!!!

Chai - I have a step-son who I got to love for three years. His mom is a drug addict and I went to court fpr the father when he tried to get custody. He got sole custody of the boy because of allegations of sexual abuse by his mother's druggie friends.

The father and new step mother don't want him to have any contact with the family, although I have been invited to their home to see that the boy is thriving.

I have NEVER regretted standing up for this child, even though it caused horrible problems in our family, and he isn't in my day to day life. I feel good that he escaped a terrible upbringing and now has an excellent life.

Take your time and do what you think is right for your grandson.

Chai:

Just a thought - if he becomes a CPS-managed case, does that that enable the foster parent or family member to receive support for caring for him? In Texas, that is the case although there are some hoops. The thinking is that it would cost the state much more money to care for the child if it was done outside a family member's or foster parent's home, so it saves money to provide some support.

You've probably already looked into this, but the thought was triggered when I read your comment about being 54 years old, supporting yourself, etc. I'm not suggesting you should or shouldn't take him, but if you haven't explored the possibility of some $$ from the state to help with the costs of caring for him, that would at least provide you with some additional information.



- M

Hi CL,

Just dropping by to give you support, Chai... and to encourage you to continue to gather as much info. as possible and learn about and explore all possible options available before making a decision....

CL

We receive NO direct money for support of our nephew. Nephew gets a monthly check from SS as a survivor of his mom's death. It's not much but it helps. The State of Texas would not offer any support for us because we ARE relatives/guardians. If we had gone the foster parent route, we might have received some $$ to help, but since we wanted CPS completely out of the picture, we opted to go as guardians. The state where he came from would not offer any support either because we're not foster parents. Weird.

His dad does help with some things when we need it but not very much and not very often. We've just never pursued child support.

It is funny how different states look at it. In many states, a family member will get zero, and a foster parent will get $800. a month or more.

I can understand wanting CPS totally out of the case...in my instance, I was looking at being a "foster" even though I'm a family member (well, sort of; my granddaughter is my stepson's daughter) but this was a case where neither parent was able to care for her but might be able to again once they got their act together. CPS wasn't going to be out of the case, no matter what.

All these little "nits" - and the differences from state to state - just make the same point, Chai - don't know what might be available to you but definitely check it out.

My mother's church helped out when a member - a widow - took over caring for her grandchild...don't know if that's an option for you or not.

- M

Hi Chai,

How are you doing? How's the baby? How is his numbers?

CHAI

Hey all,

I've agreed to take him just until she can detox off that awful methadone. At that point, the rehab will take both her and the baby for a long term process. Of course nothing yet has gone as planned, so who knows what will actually happen, but because of the court order she has to do something. She says she will do anything because she doesn't want to lose him.

She has some kind of program for formula, so that is covered. And, she has insurance. It must be some kind of medicaid insurance, but at least the baby is signed up with a pediatrician.

And WH hit a new low. He won't buy a bed for the baby if I have him. I don't have money to buy one, so I have to borrow one. I overheard Dd talking to him and he basically wants nothing to do with me. She was telling him he didn't have to see or talk to me, but he was having none of it. When she hung up, she told me he said that I should sign a paper in front of her stating that I will take the baby, because if I change my mind it would be abandonment. At that point I just lost it and told her to tell him to go $%#@ himself. I hate him. Did he really think that I'm that kind of a person that I would do something like that? He's a person who would do that though. I just will never understand his hostility toward me. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

So, Chai did the big FU. I'm sure Dd will tell him I said that. I just don't care anymore.

Oh, and my friend saw his picture and thought he looked "pastey." So there, WH.

When do you get the baby Chai? Is there anything we can do to help? Do you know what funds are available to you?

Even JOB I'm sure must have had his limit.

WH is a monster and just is in his own world. My sponsor tells me constantly, hurt people hurt people.

There isn't anything you can do for him, but protect yourself and know that what you are doing is so loving, giving and incredible brave.

I'm in awe of your strength.

I'm not sure when he can come home. His numbers are still not down. He is still sneezing and has muscle tightness which means the withdrawal is still active. He gained one ounce and he is now taking about 2 oz of formula every three hours.

I think that the only thing I will need are diapers. DD has some from the shower, but I doubt they will last too long. Since he is eating more, he has many more diaper blowouts now.

And yes, I can use some help. I have no idea how to prepare formula. DD was breast fed, so I didn't have to do any of that. The hospital has these nice pre-made bottles and all you do is put the nipple on it and go. I can't afford the nip n' go bottles, so will need to do the steralization thing and mix formula. It can't be that hard, can it? I'm not that stupid, am I?

An Queenie, can you believe WH? I do not know this man.

Your WH hates you so much that he will not buy a crib for his OWN GRANDSON because you have him?

Even George Carlin didn't have enough (properly) rough language to describe what kind of a sod your WH has become.

Chai-

Maybe you will get the chance to tell your WH to go reproduce himself face-to-face. He has sunk to a new form of WH low.

You might ask the social worker at the hospital or call a local Pregnancy Resource Clinic or other pregnancy support ministry to see if you can get a baby bed-even just a loaner.