She's showing almost no signs of remorse or significant guilt right now. Has said "sorry I hurt you" but not really asked for forgiveness!

She also hasn't cut off contact with the OM.

At what stage should I expect things to change, if at all?

The ball in my stomach is killing me...

NOTHING will EVER change if she remains in contact with OM.

It will probably get worse the longer her affair goes on. A person wouldn't ask for forgiveness until they stopped doing the crime. Sorry.

HP, did you expose the affair at work? If so, to whom and HOW did you do it?

Have you run a background check on the OM or otherwise investigated to see if he is married?

Yep, it's going to get worse before it gets better. If she's still seeing the OM expect angry outbursts, blame you for everything, you name it...she will come up with it.

Read, read read and read more...

Start yourself a Plan A and think about exposing A to everyone you can. (And listen to Melody...she's got great wisdom...)

thanks, DNU

If she is still in contact with OM, she's doesn't feel remorse or guilt. If things ever change, it will never be while she is still in contact.

Next time she says she is "sorry", ask her "Then why do you keep doing it?" Talk is cheap.

Exposed at work via email and calls to her manager and HR boss. Got retort back from WW that "I was out to ruin her and her career". It seems when boss/hr queried her she said "back off! None of your business. This is my personal life."

So, again, what, OH WHAT, can I do to get her to accept "Total Separation" and do it, before we can do anything else? Let her go off and stay alone in an apt, while I keep kids here with me at home? Should I then permit her to visit kids daily? Should I let her go to apt and then get "custody" of kids and block her access to them? What about the effect this would have on the kids?

Thanks!

What about exposure to friends, family, clergy, neighbours?

Your children are NOT weapons in this!

I would allow her to visit them on a mutually agreeable schedule.

Since she apparantly works with OM you can only do what you can do and then just wait for one to get fired or quit.

HeartinPain, you can't stop her from getting an apartment, but you can stop her from taking any family money and from snatching your kids from their home. I would suggest hiding your money so she doesn't plunder your bank account to furnish her love pad. The fact that she is looking for an apartment leads me to believe this OM is married.

Have you found out his marital status? You can't afford to drag your feet on that. Do you know his name? Have you had a talk with him?

Have you exposed the affair to her parents?

Wow. Hopefully they will chuck her [censored] out the door if that is true. But I'm not sure I believe this is what happen given that waywards are liars.

HEartinpain,

It seems to me you need to read MortarMan's ongoing thread.

It also seems to me you are "playing victim" here. If your W is having an affair in the workplace and they know it, then the company is very likely liable, and surely a lawyer would be willing to sue even for a piece of the action.

You need confirmation from the company that they are aware of the affair. Her "back off" statement does not absolve them, perhaps you need to contact a lawyer NOW and see what your rights really are. A letter from a lawyer about this will no doubt get their attention.


Also see the lawyer about custody issues, and how you need to best play this game to that you protect your family. You can plan A, plan B while protecting your family and you really need to do this.

It is time for you to understand that "saying pretty please" does not win you a war, and you are in a war right now. Start planning, start working on protecting yourself and children, and start making plan to end this affair, exposure is the best way, but often even with exposure time is required for the WS to reverse the cranial transplant.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I think you did the right thing here. My wife was squirming when I went off on her about the affair in her work cubicle. That's where I first confronted her as we both work for the same company. I know I didn't handle things absolutely correct that day... but she was sweating what her co-workers were hearing. She didn't like that at all.

Last night she really gave it to me:

- Went on and on about how the exposure was to demean her in front of coworkers and friends and relatives, and that any chance there was of recovery had been blown by my exposure actions.

- Brought up minor arguments and fights from years past and said those were the things that had screwed our relationship up, etc.

I need your help with this: she is actively looking for an apartment to move into. Should I force a stand and say NO, or go with the flow and let her move out? I really don't want her to, because it gives me way less time with her. Although, she says she will be over daily and spend time with the kids.

If she is so far gone that she is ready to move out AND ABANDON HER CHILDREN ... then PLEASE take advantage of this.

Let her get completely moved out and established in her new apartment ... maybe even get a few photos of OM's car parked in front ... and then proceed directly to Plan D and petition for full custody of the children and child support. Don't tip your hand and let her fitst inclination of your plan be when the sheriff pulls up outside and serves her.

You will be doing your job as a parent by protecting your children from their wayward mother's influence AND protecting all of you futures.

You have to realize that what you have been doing ISN'T WORKING ... time to protect yourself and your children.

Heart,

When a drug addict sees that her/his stash is discovered and the difficulty in obtaining the drug is becoming greater, the addict, i e your WW, becomes very grumpy and angry and unreasonable.
She will rant and rave and scream and holler.

You just hunker down, stay calm, tell her the "exposure was to save my marriage" not demean anyone. Be her rock in her turmoil, plan A your A off being the best H you can be.

By the way the ""that any chance there was of recovery had been blown by my exposure actions.""is EGGZACHERY out of the Wayward handbook, TO THE LETTER!! :crosseyedcrazy:

It would be humorous if not so sad.

As for moving into the apartment, make it as difficult as possible for her to do that. NO FUNDING, no co-signing on the lease, no helping her move, and as far as the kids go, she can come see them but NO WAY can she take them back to the "LOVE SHACK". NO MISTER NICE GUY ON THE APARTMENT ISSUE.

If she was a crackhead, would you give her some matches to light the pipe? If an alcoholic, ice for her scotch?

YOU ARE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT FOR HER TO CONTINUE THE AFFAIR.

Poor thing is distraught.

HANG IN THERE AND STICK TO YOUR GUNS.

IMHO

kirk

Thanks folks! I also have a session scheduled with Jennifer for later this evening. WW has agreed to attend, although she says I have scheduling with a MC who has a bias...

Let's see how it goes.

Good God take this golden opportunity to let her ABANDON HER CHILDREN.

Pay her first month and security IN CASH!

Then be at your lawyers office tomorrow filing abandonment.

Then you can Plan A&B her to your hearts content!!!