I understand. I think Mike was right, and I already respect him. When I start spouting bull and intellectualizing to cover myself, I need him and all of you to point it out. Not coming to this forum would be the worst thing I could do. It would be running away from truth and honesty, the two things that I always have valued most in my professional life and ignored in my personal life. How can someone be so messed up? The ego takes on so many disguises and is more than capable of deluding its keeper.

When I start spouting bull and intellectualizing to cover myself, I need him and all of you to point it out.

I think this applies to every word you have said so far. What you have said is quite unbelieveable. You are sure a good "player" to be so "sugary sweet" and stuff. I can see how you were able to lure another woman to make love with you for 6 years while hiding it from your wife.

You are really a good player here! Not many are this good at lying and decieving.

Please take a polygraph and come back later.

GM, though you may get discouraged, please stay on this board and OFF your wife's thread.

It can be physically, as well as emotionally, draining to purge all the lies you have kept inside for the last 6 or more years, but it is critical that this all come out NOW.

Hang in there. I'll be here to check in with whenever you need a hand. I'm not going to tell you this is easy, but I will tell you that it's worth it.

Welcolm to the forum that won't blow smoke up your posterior to make your feel better.

If your sincere, count your blessings for finding the folks on this forum.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Just a thought, and I could go find it somewhere in Harley's writings.

By hiding facts, you give the OW control over your marriage, and you have a crazy desperate OW.

In a month or a year she may find a way to tell your BW a whole bunch of stuff about the affair...many OP's do in an attempt to break up the marriage and get the WS back, or just to hurt the WS.

So, a year from now OW tells Sad that you guys went to Paris in 2004, or whatever, and everything goes to jump street.

Puke it all out.

I will do exactly that. I won't read her thread. We are arranging polygraph, post-nuptial agreement, no-contact letter, and making reservations for the March 20-21 weekend and course. Thank you for your kind encouragement, TST.

Will do, Mike. Puking is an apt description.

I read it that way too.

This is EXACTLY what a crazy OW will do. It took 8 months for OW to send ME copies of IMs my FWH and OW had. And they were very revealing.

Don't put your wife through that GM. Tell her EVERYTHING NOW!!

Are you willing to post your NC letter here for feedback? Remember, your wife has the final say about what the letter says and she is the one who mails it.

I'm also encouraged to see that you are arranging a polygraph. I also believe the post-nup will go a long way in restoring some of what your wife needs.

Kudos that you and your wife are going to an MB weekend. I would like to suggest one more thing. Go to the Coaching Center link at the top of this page and set up an appointment with the Harley's for phone counseling. If your wife is not willing to do this, do this yourself. I am not fond of ICs for waywards. Many IC's are a quick path to divorce facilitating. And most waywards will talk circles around an IC and waste everybody's time. The Harley's are your best bet if you really want to save this marriage. Are you willng to make the appointment?

GM, it sounds like you are opening up more. YOu will find many members here have very accurate bullsh*t meters. I believe you will find the harder you work to fill your BW's EN's and the harder you work at opening up to her the less detached you will feel and sound. I was a WW for two years. For two years I was quite adept at living a double life and compartmentalizing my A and my work life. (OM was a co-worker). THEN I added insult to injury by not revealing the truth to my BH. I had to continue being detached because of the lies I held inside of me. When I found MB, I came her as a BW. About 4 months later when my A was revealed by someone to my H, I outed myself on MB.

I can tell you the TRUTH was such a relief. All that time my lies and deception were eating at my soul. What a difference it makes PERSONALLY to be able to speak the truth, apologize and truly begin to work on yourself. Until you are honest, change will not come. You must be completely honest with both yourself and your BW.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Dr. Harley: My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

When we did the NC letter with Jennifer in September, she also emphasized that WW had to truly agree with it and be comfortable -- she couldn't just sign a letter written by me.

The first draft read like a fing love letter. The end one very similar to the above.

One thing I really think was crucial is the letter said: "My husband and I have a 100 percent open and honest relationship now, and (Mike) will immediately know about any attempt to contact me by any means."

(implication: and he will kill you).

Jennifer also suggested symbolically that we both drop the letter in the mailbox together.

I didn't. I trusted my WW to do it. I am 70 percent sure it went in the trash <shrug>. She really was/is afraid of the OMW and I think she thought even a letter to the house would set her off.

Live and learn. Frankly, Jennifer thought the NC letter was a heck of a lot more important than WW or I did. We had a series of firey phone calls with them both and I think all the communicating had been done, which is undoubtedly not the usual case.

GM, what was it that you told your W that has set her back to day 1?

If you let us know we can help both of you get through this...but being honest HERE is important as well as with your W.

Yes, I can post it when it seems ready. Yes, we are going to make an appointment. TST, I am just the lowest of the low. Everything I have done and been in life is a lie. It is hard to see any light at all right now. My wife is utterly destroyed, and I am responsible for her endless sorrow.

I want that, FF. I have been a scumbag and a fool hiding behind a veneer of goodness and accomplishment for all of my adult life.

awww....

come on, cut that cr@p out, we are on to you. Sympathy here is not an option. Repent with actions.

Man up and get to work.

Thanks for that template. It is very helpful. BTW, what is SSA page 58? There is so much here I need to read and learn.

I bared the last remaining details that I can think of about this whole thing. The things I had not revealed were omissions, but showed how nasty and low and ugly and stupid I have been. I just hope to God that I have not forgotten anything.

GM, the first paragraph is from the linked article. The letter is from Surviving an Affair, page 58.