JL, she was inspiring. She had a gorgeous tan and full make up on when she met me. She said she leaves the house every day dressed to kill, even if she has to make a supreme effort.

Her WH is living with her parents but he texts and calls her constantly. He comes to see their DD and she sets very strong boundaries, even though he's trying to get her to have SF. She says she just makes sure she looks great and is then very strong about her boundaries. She refused to let him take their DD to see the OW for the weekend (long story but he said he wanted her to meet the OW's kids) which completely messed up his weekend plans (tee hee).

She's not budging on anything until the A ends (which it will) and then she's not budging on the rules he has to abide by if he comes back. She's also fully prepared for Plan FU it it comes to that.

lol, us Kiwi girls sure do have spirit and spunk!

Here is the latest from my friend. LOL, I need to get her to sign up so I can stop being third party!

I'd really love some advice for her.

"Oh dear, it's all taken a new turn. He came over this morning to pick up DD and said that, the romance was over the for the moment because the girlfriend wanted to cool it down because she was afraid of the gossip. Here I was thinking it was him wanting to cool it but it's her. I was so mad with him. I said if she or him had any balls they wouldn't care about the gossip. He said that he didn't want to cool it down because there would always be gossip, but she's running scared at the moment. So that means in a couple of months time they may get back together again. I'm so angry.

I guess I've just got to stop thinking about them and focus on me and my new life ahead."

Any ideas for her?

Jen,

The operative word for your friend is...exposure. Then they can run but they cannot hide. She needs to expose the affair. He will be in a "fog" even is she does decide the heat in the kitchen is too much for her. Have your friend "turn up the burners" if you know what I mean.

God Bless,

JL

Yes, JL is right! Your friend has a NUKE in her possession and the power to kill this affair if she will use it. All she has to do is expose the affair everywhere, especially to OW's parents, family, friends, workplace. Expose everywhere!

Hi there, this is Jen's "friend". Thanks to you all for your words of wisdom. Well at the moment OW is cooling it down with H because of gossip and because she needs "time to think and clear her head" (oh please!). Anyway, he says he is still "in love with her" and she's "still in love with him". Worst thing is H and I are still sleeping together - I know! Sorry, to drop that one on you all. We are both finding that one hard to move on from. He is certain that our marriage is definately over, he hasn't been happy for years, apparently I lost my "sparkle", but H says that in the last few weeks I have regained my sparkle because of him leaving and us "moving on" with our lives. H says that it's not about sex with OW, he's hardly had much sex with her, they talk on the phone a lot or he will meet her for coffee and they just talk and talk, mainly I guess because it's not been that easy as she has young kids at home so he can't stay the night with her. Ok guys where is his head at?

You have the power in your hands to NUKE this affair if you will only use it. Affairs thrive on secrecy and the OW senses this and is SCARED of exposure. If you expose the affair, you will ruin the fantasy and likely kill it.

Is the OW married?

Good exposure targets would be anyone on the OW's side, your H's parents, employer if a workplace affair and your children. Launch the nuke!

Hi there Dandi (lol). I'm so pleased you're here. Mel is right. Ms Needy Pants is so scared of her reputation you can make a real mess with exposure. Mel, she isn't married, her H left her for his secretary.

I know you want to have sex with your H but what did I tell you about that. At the moment he's got one gorgeous woman (you) who he knows he can seduce and one crappy woman (her) who fills his need for conversation and admiration. He just won't change if he can keep all that going.

A dark and rather smelly place!

Expose to the world. Since she doesn't like gossip everyone may as well have the truth!

Dandy,

Thanks for calling in. Very glad to hear that exposure is working to your effect.

A lot of folk here have battled keeping a straight face. You're doing well.

Hi Dandi,

Ok, first you need to know we have heard all of this before, and so has Dr. Harley. I hope you have taken the time to read the articles on this site. If not please do so. I'll try to lay out the steps for you, and I am sure the others will fill in the parts I miss or don't explain well.

Step1 is Plan A. In plan A you do the following.

* You expose the affair.
* You avoid love busters.
* You try to meet your H's needs and that can be sex, IF you want to as well.

What to expect. First if contact continues you will continue to get what your H has been saying. If contact ends and the A ends, then there is a period of withdrawal very much like a drug addict goes through. You won't get much from your H except his pain, his self-involvement, and little else. We often call this the "fog", which is what he is in and will continue in until withdrawal is over.

Once withdrawal is over, gradually the man you married will return. The "deep love" :RollieEyes: he had for OW will start to look different, and he will start to remember why he married you. Meanwhile you need to avoid love busters, which is not the same as rolling over and playing dead. You can state your positions but do it in a none condemning way.

If during plan A the affair doesn't end, then you go to plan B. Many affairs don't end with plan A, or even upon exposure. Plan B is to retain your love for your H so that if A ends you still have something to work with. Exposure is like shining light on mushrooms, it will kill them but often slowly. So give it time.

Meanwhile figure out his needs, if he will take the EN questionaire, encourage him, if he won't do it as if you were him. Meeting needs or the lack of meeting needs does not/did not cause the affair, but it made the choice to have one easier. The idea is not only to save this marriage but actually make it a better one, so understand the needs issues, read about Harley's four rules for a good marriage, and really pay attention to love busters.

Ok, I think I have written enough to get you started others will add, and as you know Jen is a great source for information. She understands this stuff.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Dandi,

Im another kiwi, welcome to MB. Its a really great place to get support. You have some great people posting to you so I wont add much

sigh,..... Dandi, this place is crawling with foreigners. I have no idea how they found it!!

Thanks so much for all the advice. I've just been to see H today with DD as it's his birthday. He told me that OW is pushing him away and that she needs some space to clear her mind because she's not sure that she's 100% committed to the relationship and feels that it may be too early for him to jump into a relationship. He's telling me that he is really in love with her and he feels frustrated that she's doing this as she has been divorced for a long time and is basically "on the market" for a new love. I said that maybe she's playing games because he's the one that was chasing her at full-speed and maybe that's what she wants him to keep doing to make sure that he is 100% committed! Now, I don't know if that is true as I don't know her, but it seems to be working quite well in her favour. She hasn't told him she loves him and isn't sure if she does. It's all very confusing and upsetting, that I don't have his heart and she does.

Dandi, did you read our posts about exposure?

Dandi, do you know this is all fogbabble from a fogged out mind and is meaningless? Your H is high on the fumes of his affair and his rantings are worthless.

Here is the thing. If you want to save your marriage, you will have to IGNORE his babble and focus on YOUR OWN STRATEGY.

Shaddup Mel.

This place is also crawling with yankees Dandi. Don't mind them!

lol, BigK called Mel a yankee. (tee hee) Mel I was looking for a one finger icon before to give you for the "foreigners" remark but now I just want to give you a

Dandi (lol, your name still makes me laugh) I know Just Learning said that you should have sex with your H but I really think you shouldn't. You know how much he loves it with you and I think he should be gagging for it, not getting it. I think it's a HUGE move in your favour if he misses that part of your relationship. Ms Dumpy and Unattractive just won't be able to do that for him.

Some of us did boff the WH and some dont. I was a boffer and I cant say I regreat it, but it worked in my sitch.

Dandi, have you read the basic concepts yet? Or any of the books? I am just trying to ascertain what you know about MB principles.

Yep Jen your right I'm stopping the sex immediately, no birthday bonk tonight, I'm going out! I'm really hurt after today's conversation with him pofessing his love for her but can't have her cos she's confused (oh brother!). She seems to be playing her game really well and I've just been letting him dump on me with it. It seems that I'm the only one he can confide in about it all and it's really upsetting me. He can find someone else to dump on, I'm done with it! I'm going to Ants place to night for BBQ. Hope her brothers there he's kind of cute, I could do with a bit of attention!

Boff?