I fell out of love with her when two things happened. First was finding out, or actually realizing that my wife still loved and wanted me all that time, which despite her telling me that over the years, I really did not accept or grasp. In my mind, I had constructed a false idea about how she felt about me in order to justify my own selfish behavior and choices. At that moment, I fully realized the horror of what I had done. The second was when OW actually blackmailed me. I had deluded myself into thinking that she actually had some character and was not the low-life she actually was. At that moment, I realized what kind of person I had thrown my wife over for, just for ego strokes and sex. She was only interested in money. I cannot stand the thought of her now. And yet, I have behaved just as badly. I am as much of a low-life as OW.

But it was discovery that stopped it three months ago? What was that? And then there was continuing contact, right? Tell us about that?


Not to be jaded, but the self-flagellation here seems to be manipulative and aimed at Sad.

The facts are more important. How much money is involved here, going back to where you were paying OWhore for sex?

Look, GM, I have been busting your chops here mercilessly, but it is because you are a mirror to me. I have a MENSA card, I run the important committees in my town, my shy and trusting WW was under my thumb for years.

So when it fell apart I kept doing the soft shoe dance that had served me so well.

But it is a facade, a lifelong facade, and your wife now sees it as such, and it hurts her like you'll never know.

Your "penance" here is chosen to be on a message board you know she is reading, where you can play to a large audience undoubtedly populated by at least some gullible people drawn to your eloquence, as you are used to...

Time to drop that trip. It isn't about currying favor to the MB jury. It is about YOU. and YOUR WIFE. That is your world. Make her SAFE. Make her feel there is a new world for her. Give her everything and anything she demands to nurse a flicker of trust left in her.

Oh, and as someone who held every munipal title and led every charitable effort and was elected to everything.....drop that cr@p cold. Your family is number one. and two. and three. Quit all that ego polishing BS and find something you and sad can do in common. With me and Mrs Mike it was a foodbank.

Yes, I am depressed and at the lowest point of my life, and yes, it would feel nice to get some encouragement. But yes, manning up and getting to work is the only thing that has a chance of helping me. So, OK. I will stop looking for sympathy and act. Thanks, Mike C2. I have read your story, and I have nothing but respect for what you say here.

Yes. The discovery stopped it. The continued contact for a couple of months was not from me. It was from her. We kept cutting her off by blocking email addresses and phone numbers. We even contacted the Sheriff and consulted with an attorney who called her and warned her not to stalk us. The last contact was when she cleverly disguised herself as a guy who said "he" knew me from college in New Orleans. After several curious emails, it became clear that it was her trying to develop another secretive line of communication with me. That was about a month ago. I wrote her back, with my wife approving it, a response that amounted to a NC letter. Even so, Sad and I will be composing a more formal NC letter as recommended here.

Believe it or not, Mike, I am not looking to curry favor with the "MB Jury" as you say. Also, I have not been following my wife's threads, and she certainly has not posted on mine. My comments have been heartfelt, though probably childish and looking for sympathy, as you said, and not designed for her or to manipulate her, even if she reads them, because they are no different than we say directly to each other. Everything you say, though, is well taken. BTW, I have already cut back on my roles in several organizations and plan to step back further as quickly as possible.

I call BS.

Your BW said you two have discussed what Mike has posted to you on your thread. So, you KNOW she's reading your thread.

So, there is no IF in "if she reads them,"

She does, and you know it.

My posts are not directed at her. As I said, there is nothing that I post that she and I do not say to each other in person. So, there is no impact of what I post here that affects her, whether she reads them or not. In fact, we are most often in the same room posting here, and we often discuss what people are offering in the way of advice while we are posting. Is that a problem? Should we avoid that? Early in this thread I said truthfully that I found my way to this site on my own laptop, after my wife suggested that there are forums on the internet where I can get help. So, I started searching independently and found MB, which appears to be the best of these sites. It was after I got here that she informed me that this was where she had joined some days earlier.

This has certainly aroused suspicion of manipulation by me in some who reply to me here, but I really believe that is a false concern. I am glad she and I are working the same program and will be arranging phone consultations and going to the weekend in March. I am determined to do everything I can to save this marriage if possible, and it is not productive for us when people question my sincerity on the basis that my wife is also posting on these forums. That is the last I will say about that. I just want to make sure that is not harmful or detrimental for us to both be here. If it is, then just tell me.

Okay, so last contact was just a month ago. Importsnt piece of data.


That is HUGE. I chaired every major board from the planning board on down. As a politicsl consultant, I won the last few elections. My friends were up for reelection in November, and I was "retired". I threw the time in and we won.

Now, life is different. I cook dinners. help with the kids, focus on family. WW really appreciates it.

When I go to town events she comes with me. She is young and beautiful, and gets swamped with attention, from state senators and assemblymen, so it is a fun experience for her. But my focus now is on the homefront. These hours are hugely importsnt.

Nah.

This should be her sanctum to get advice independent of your interference.

I think you should leve, and she shoukd have a keylogger on to make sure you aren't eavesdropping.

Sorry....but she needs this community more than you, and you need to break the pattern of mnanipulating control over her...

I don't agree Mike...Helping GM is also helping his wife...Mr. W and I both feel that this place was a Godsend for our marriage...

Mrs. W

**edit**

Mike, if he is so much like you, why in the world would you want to chase him off the boards. Please stop trying to chase him away, YOU are helping him! That's what the MB forum is all about. Getting out of your own fogged self pity and offering constructive advise that in the end helps your own marriage to become better too.

Telling GM to leave is nonsense, this board works well with both spouses here at the same time. We are not here for BS's only, we are here for MARRIAGES and the restoration of them.

It is actually BETTER to have them both here.

They have a BETTER chance to recover if they are BOTH here learning.

Carry on!

Thank You, Melody. You are very kind. I am wracking my brain at this point to try to remember anything I have forgotten. The problem is that it is such a long term affair, it is hard to remember everything that transpired. No purposeful holding back of anything anymore, but I am fearful that I have forgotten something that will come out. The things yesterday came out during a detailed timeline and re-creation of it that we did yesterday that was so painful. That helped jog my memory, including a few things I had dishonestly omitted before, such as the number of times I did this or that with OW. Some of it is suppression of the A in my mind, because I just want it gone and out of our lives forever, even though I know it will be there painfully forever. Radical honesty is my absolute goal now as I am learning, but I fear errors of omission now. You are absolutely right about the habit of lying. I have been protecting myself from consequences by lying since I was a child. It was the standard operating procedure in our home when I grew up, and I became quite expert at it.

BTW, do you know how I can get email notification of new replies here on the forum? I have set it up in preferences and watch lists carefully and saved it several times, but I am receiving nothing. My wife gets her emails from the forum, but I am getting zilch.

It should be one of the settings under "my stuff" at the top of the forum.

Thank you so much, tst. I respect Mike and would have considered leaving on his advice, but your reply helps me even more. We REALLY want this to work and do this together. Our emotional and spiritual lives and futures depend on it. We are making an appointment for phone consult right now and have received a response from Lori. We are getting a horse sitter, so that we can attend the weekend in March. I will be writing a draft of a NC letter for my wife to approve and edit today. We are getting an attorney appt. to draw up a post-nup. We are getting cell phones that support chaperone-child tracking by GPS today. My wife is making an appointment for polygraph. If we don't succeed with this, it won't be from lack of sincerity or trying.

I am so grateful for the kind help and advice we have received on this forum, it makes me get a little teary, not the least of which is your help.

My Stuff is where I have been trying to set the preferences and watch lists correctly, but it doesn't seem to be working for some reason. I have been on other kinds of forums in the past, and this has happened periodically. We use satellite internet and a router. I wonder if the router IP address is being identified by this forum server, and the MB server is rejecting two email addresses from the same IP address. Just a theory. It isn't a big deal, but I would like to receive email notification of new posts and advice from my watch lists.

Email one of the moderators, they can assist you. I am glad you are sticking around, GM. This place is a gift from God.

For email notification, click on add this thread to my watched threads list when you make your post. Then go to "mystuff" at the top of any page to my watch lists. Click on watched topics. Then click on edit watched topics. From there you can select email notification for the thread.

tst coming here and posting was one of my requirements of him before I would even consider reconciliation. I knew that the people here understood the dynamics of affairs and would recognize fog babble better than any IRL counselor, pastor or friend. I knew that the people here had the best chance of reaching through the fog. And several of the people here are in RECOVERED marriages and could lead him through the path of recovery along with the MB professionals.

If you are posting honestly, reading with an open heart, and following through with actions off the board, you have a much better chance at helping your wife heal from the trauma you have perpetrated upon her.

If you are not staying off your wife's thread, it will show up on several people's fog/bull radars.

well, I strongly disagree. First off, it should be sadsosad's call whether GM continues to use the board.

For him to say he will post here and not look at her thread is patented bullsss.

Maybe deep into recovery a couple could benefit from being together here. Right now, there is still very much an adversarial post D-day situation, and GM seeing SSS's thoughts and strategic advice is unfair. It is what an attorney would call "free discovery".

She has said she has no friends she can share with. This should be her sanctum where she can vent and received unternished advice without her wayward looking over her shoulder and reacting accordingly, which GM would do to an unprecedented degree from what I see of his personality and past controlling dynamic with SSS.

I think he followed her here to continue his controlling pattern, and his posts are less heartfelt than emotional gaming on his devastated BW.

If I were SSS, I'd ask him to get off the board and put a keylogger on the make sure he doesn't return.

I'd also delete my threads after they had served their usefulness.

GM, put your BW on your ignore list. The temptation to read her posts is going to be strong and considering your history of manipulation it is not a good idea to be reading what she posts.