He is using you as a flop house and making it more painful for you. It will be painful when he leaves, but the sooner you confront that demon, the sooner you can have some peace. Let him know you agree that the marriage won't work and want to move forward now. He needs to GO.

He is so volatile that I would not DEMAND he leave, but rather ask that he make plans to be gone by this weekend because "prolonging the inevitable is causing you enormous grief." You need relief sooner rather than later.

MS,

I appreciate your perspective. I've ALWAYS been told I'm tough to read! (Although in person)

Could you elaborate?

I'm not sure there is much of an opportunity to enforce any boundaries right now. Unless it is being suggested I pull a "you want out? OK, you are out - get out - NOW" which I haven't seen for certain.

Given the current climate, other than sticking to what I need money-wise, expect visitation-wise, and personal belongings...I don't know where I'm not taking a stand that you think I should be.

But I want to understand what you're reading. It helps me.

From one blonde to another: thank you for this. I'll do it.

Julie, do you have anyone a counselor or someone that can help you enforce your boundaries? I am happy y0u are dumping that heavy millstone out of your life. I hope you can follow thru with that. If you take him back now it will show your weakness. The same weakness and lack of boundaries that allowed him to stay and make your lives a heartache for 10 years.

Keep that abuser AWAY from you guys. He can have court ordered visits with the kids but that is it. Thanks for honoring your own mental health and that of your kids.

ME

This is where the confusion sets in. I mean, you know I'm not angelic right? So far (today!) he's been called "terrible" and now an abuser. I'm not arguing, I'm just a little put back by it. It's called denial. Or, complacency (sp?) My denial isn't as bad as it used to be - I can see it now!

I don't have a counselor. I do want one, and it is on my list of things-to-do. So far we're in Al-Anon/Alateen, I'm looking into divorcee/children of divorce groups, and have considered reaching out to the church.

I will definitely follow thru w/D, don't worry about that. Remember, he's steering that bus anyway - but if he weren't, I would be. I promise. Visits w/DS9 will be court ordered as they were during Plan B, and he'll be lucky to have anything w/DD12 as she is not biologically his & she Plan B'd him herself last year.

MEL!!! That is the sweetest thing EV-AH!!!

OH yea, Mel's my counselor alright. I still tell ppl that too!

Mel is awesome. She gets mad at me, she kicks me, sometimes I kick back, then I get it, then...

Julie,

I guess what concerns me is that you let H back into your life (and the childrens lives) and when you found he was drinking last month you didn't enforce boundaries and ask him to leave. Instead, you have hemmed and hawed for a month now and finally H says he wants out. Now that he has said he is done and wants out you are on board with Plan D 100%. I really wish that you were the one driving this decision because you chose to enforce boundaries that protect you and your children. Instead, I see a person that is now saying it's over and time for Plan D but I'm concerned that attitude is coming from the fear that H has stated that he is done and moving on. Like I said, I could be reading this wrong.... But, at the risk of being wrong I'll put my thoughts out there so you will consider them and search your own heart and soul for what is really going on inside.

If you are sitting back and allowing H to plan the seperation and possible Plan D then you are not being proactive about enforcing your boundaries. Are you sure you are strong enough to say no if/when he changes his mind yet again?

Mindshare

Mindshare, you are absolutely right about all this and I covered that with her in previous posts. I think she sees now that her handprints are all over this.

And just to clarify, I am not Julie's counselor, but her FRIEND. She drives me nuts but I love her!!

MS, thank you for the clarification. I get it now. You're right. All valid points & correct timeline. I didn't hem & haw, I instead enforced new boundaries. All of which he abided by, with the exception of AA, and we agreed to it. Pish-posh, I still threw myself under the bus, I was wrong again. This is toxic.

So it is then also fair to say I haven't been proactive. It would be accurate to say STBXH does not respect me, nor have I given him reason to. I suppose the best leg I have to stand on, now, is to do what Mel said & advise him to be gone by the end of the week.

YES I'm strong enough to say no if he comes back, but I do not think that will happen. But in the name of being proactive, you're right - I need to amp it up just in case. Point taken.

ETA: I'm not making excuses here, when I refer to the "new boundaries" thing when he drank a month ago. I wanted to clarify that as I was actually encouraged by a some here to do that instead of booting him. I see now that that was wrong, and the inevitable was still...the inevitable. See, I am SO impressionable at times, that I forget to even THINK on my own.

Julie, no one is bringing this up to bash you over the head, but to help you.

If you can see your own hand in this you will understand that you are not a VICTIM and won't resent HIM. Resentment of him won't help you, especially when it was your own actions that caused this. Taking ownership will EMPOWER YOU and will also protect you from a repeat.

I know!

I don't resent him. I have. And I would, if he'd continue to stay.

Do you mind/is it OK if I really just don't like him though!?

Mel - yeah....I didn't actually think you were her counselor! LOL!! Although you are giving her great advice and certainly could be!

Julie - I'd just like to see you stand up and take charge of the situation. OWN IT!!! I hate the nagging feeling that I am getting that you are going along because H made his decision. This should have been your decision a while back. That said, be strong going forward! Your children need some stability. They have been through alot. You have to define their new environment and bring it to a stable predictable environment as quickly as you can. Get the separation agreement done. Drive the process! Don't wait for H to handle it. OWN IT!! Get it done and get it filed and get the visitation schedule worked out as quickly as possible then go into a dark Plan B and focus on yourself and children. My gut feeling is that you have your own self esteem issue to work out but I know you can do it. No more drama from H. Develop your plan and execute it!!

Mindshare

Julie,

I also want to reiterate what Mel said. We are just trying to get you to take a look at yourself. We are not saying these things to hurt you!! What decisions have you made that have allowed you to be in what you described as a bad marriage for 10 years?!? Once you get the answer to that question you will be well on your way to your own self recovery.

We are here for you and want to see you succeed. My line of questioning and thoughts is geared towards getting you to do some self reflection so you don't end up right back in the same place a few months from now.

Hang in there!!

Mindshare

I can dig it. I hadn't even thought of a month or months from now. One day at a time, is what we say. Yep. I'll stick around here. It's almost like being back @Square One, except the bounce-back this time is a lot quicker, IMO, because it's only been 4 mos - I hadn't necessarily even gotten used to him being back.

Somehow he managed to come up with $200 & leave it for me. Hmmmm

Do you know that this morning, after he left (calling me explitives, walking right past DD12's bedroom door) and I settled down, I called & left him a mssg apologizing for yelling? I said I was better than that, that he doesn't get to walk away from all of OUR debt & that he knows full well on weeks I don't get paid he's expected to float this boat. Part of me felt like I'd only stooped to his level & I can be the bigger person, while the other part feels like an idiot, apologizing to him & his childishness.

I guess it worked. Or, something.

So I'd better get to typing up our "agreement" & sign, then work on my plan to get him OUT.

I stole this from another thread I was just reading. I'm always amazed at what I can take away from threads that seem so un-related to what I'm going thru. I guess it all kind of runs together. From Miriam, RE: suicide:


When I read it I thought, "A-ha!" So true in my case as well. STBXH has SO much going on, "against him" so to speak, that he continually chooses to disregard & let go untreated, except for his own treatment (beer, weed, pills) I cannot possibly to begin to contend with any of that! Nor can I force him to. But I CAN remove myself and my children from it. FOREVER. And let him tell his lies, make up excuses, justify and blame. It has absolutely, 100% NOTHING to do with me.

Thanks Miram!

And again! From same thread:


You guys are talking...and I'm beginning to hear!

All i can say is wow. I just hope it gets better for you.

Awesome. Everything that we discussed/agreed is now signed. This really sets the tone for my request of him to be gone by weekend.