Tully,

I decided to write this email in two parts. The first one is how I see my side of the story of the last three months. You may not want to read it as you have been refusing to do so, so far. You can skip it if you want: it is the first paragraph. I am also doing it rather short but if you want me to give more details, I can do so, just ask. I have plenty of material in stock that you have refused to read (I could even show you how my frame of mind evolved during the past three months). The second paragraph is something I wrote last week concerning the girls. It is not exactly up to date, but not far. The last few lines are my addition of now. I have not been able to do more because I find myself so down in these last two or three evenings, that I am not even able to put words together. Mornings are a bit better because I am not freshly in the frame of my evening conversations with the girls. This is why I decided to go to work late today, so that I could send you something.


1) Our story:

In short, the situation on my side is the following. Yes, it was a big mistake by me to go out with OW and I should not have done it. There are reasons why I made that mistake but I accept most of the blame for the slow crumbling of our relationship. Had I talked more, it would probably not have happened. At some stage, you put me in front of my responsibilities: I had to choose between you or OW. I thought thoroughly about it and decided to attempt to reconstruct with you. I broke up with OW and, although I know the process was not smooth, I eventually reached a stage where I had no communication with her at all. I know you did not believe that and this is most probably why you left on the 6^th of November, without notice. I see from what you said the other night that you had planned that by seeing solicitors to enquire about how to do it with minimal risk. From your note and IM's explanations, you did this to 'save the little love you still had for me' and to 'protect yourself'. Your conditions for coming back were, as I understood, twofold: you wanted that I had zero contact with OW and that I would provide you with more 'passionate' love. I spent many conversations on the phone to IM (I am not counting the emails I tried to send you) trying to explain that 1) you already had the 'no contact' condition (although I was aware that you did not believe it) and the 'passionate love' was for sure going to come back, but you had to be a little patient as I could not just 'order it for tomorrow'. I spent quite a bit of time explaining (to IM) that of course I did not envision a relationship without love, and that I knew it was a lot to ask from you, but it would grow back with a bit of patience. Before everything else, I always told IM how damaging it was for me to be away from my children. My conclusion, for weeks, was that I did not see how our situation could improve because as far as I could see, you moved away from a situation where I had decided to reconstruct, I had broken off with OW (and had no contact) and was working on myself to heal. I could not see how I could offer you more after you had left, considering my suffering because you had taken my children away. I always said that this suffering was not helping my frame of mind and I begged that you came back very soon. I had hopes that you would decide to do so any week-end, which is why I never bought a plane ticket very much in advance… Basically, I have been obsessed all that time with our children, while you have been obsessed with OW. Isa said that I should make efforts on that side and I agreed to send another email to her in front of you if you came back. I did think it was useless because we were having no contacts and I thought this was only somehow a kind of 'mechancete gratuite'. But this was obviously not sufficient. It is actually only on Monday this week that I realised from talking to X (the friend you came last weekend) , that what you might have expected is for me to say that I would quit my job... This really surprised me, but I have been thinking about it since and I can see some logic in there. Indeed, for me, I thought it would be enough if I could guarantee you that I would never get in touch with OW again (which I was of course willing to do as I told IM + I thought you knew it because it was already true before you left). I told you in all honesty that the chances were that I would bump into OW during the odd conference, typically once a year or once every second year. I never realised until Monday that this was so completely unacceptable for you... I always thought that what you wanted was no contact between us, but that you would tolerate a random encounter unexpectedly as it happens in research between colleagues. Of course, I thought this was acceptable because on my side, I had moved on from my affair with her and knew very well that I would never sleep with her again. Surely bumping into her and saying hello once every second year was no big deal, I thought (I have thought about it since and I see now that you probably think that as an addict, I would have to crack up every time...). On Monday, X said that I was not willing 'to give up my job to save my family' with an obvious tone of reproach, which stunned me as she said it. I replied that my job had nothing to do with our problems, but I have realised in the last two days that this is what you might have expected: for me to give up my job in order to insure that I would never bump into OW again. I came to the striking realisation that, had I realised this earlier, it might have saved our couple. I completely underestimated OW's influence as she was, for me, out of the picture. I have never really understood your obsession with her as I know very well that I am not some kind of animal who is forever unreasonably attracted by her 'animal magnetism'... Anyway, you have been obsessed with all this while I have been so so pissed off with our children's situation. I have been feeling that you were extremely selfish as, for the past three months, you never mentioned them (through IM it would have been obviously). Every time I had IM on the phone, I told her I wanted to address with you some fundamental problems including the girls, but unavoidably, the conversation went on to OW, which was getting on my nerves as I kept on saying that there were much bigger issues than OW in this. I also said it to Your Brother a good few times, and to the rest of the world I was talking to. By the way, I also realise that this is one of my big problems: in this situation, I 'retract on myself' and isolate myself from the outside world, whereas you do the opposite (this is probably a quite common male versus female attitude). I am also coming to realise that my lack of communication deserves me. But anyway, let me finish what I thought was going to be short and ends up being very long. Because I did not understand your attitude and was suffering so much with the lack of my children, my frame of mind changed progressively, as I had forecasted the very day you left. By the way, I just want to add something that might help you understand some of my behaviour: my trips to Ireland are a real killer for me. When I pick up the girls, I don't feel like taking my time because I miss them so much that I want them straight away. When I leave them back, it is much worse. I have tears in my eyes and I am completely unable to even speak. I generally spend my travelling time to Dublin crying in the car. So, when anybody wants to talk to me (be it Your Brother a couple of times, or the 2 minutes we had on Christmas day) I feel the only thing I want to do is run away as fast as I can. Again, I am conscious that this is detrimental to me, but I would like people to try to realise how fragile and unable to communicate I am at those times. It is so bad that I could not even argue with you when you accused me to see OW in Dublin on Chrismas day. This was such a ridiculous statement that it would have been very easy to argue, but I was paralysed and barely able to contain my tears. My Christmas holidays were an emotional disaster as I felt completely out in Annecy. My parents’ efforts were nice, but after a few days, I felt that it was not my place, on my own with my parents for most of the day... I know that everybody made efforts (Friends came for dinner, BIL and SIL for lunch one day, I slept in their place one night), but when BIL decided not to go skiing with me (because the snow was too hard), I decided to go back to Our Village. I arranged to see a few people I hadn't seen in a while and had no intention of going out for new years’ eve (I am never extremely tempted in the best of years anyway...). I missed my girls so so much, that I decided that I had to do something to get them back. So, I went to see a solicitor to enquire about my rights in the matter. This was very instructive, although I am convinced that they tend to influence you to go through court procedures by telling you that you have the right to do so. Anyway, let me finish by what happened in the last two weeks. You sent that email to lots of people in OW's workplace and Colleages 1 and 2 in my workplace. When I read it, I thought this was an unacceptable, completely unnecessary thing to do. This was purely to harm OW as well as my reputation. Why was this necessary when OW was out of the picture? Why did you not want to address the real problems of how we have drifted apart and what will happen to the girls? I felt I had to reply straight away to all these people (whom I do not know) and I spent the following day talking to Colleagues 1 and 2. This convinced me that we are not done to live together anymore because we do not have the same conceptions on how to behave. I felt almost betrayed because you had said to me several times that you would never do this. How could you know me so little to imagine that this could bring us together? I actually have real problems to believe that this was your intention...

OK, I will stop this paragraph now because since we can now communicate, you should be able to grasp my present frame of mind.

2) Second paragraph: I wrote this on Friday I think:

What is happening is terrible for our children. I feel that the question of who is getting the blame is not quite relevant, and if it makes you feel better, I can take it. My concern at the moment is for our children. I am extremely worried because I feel (I could be wrong) that you are planning things in my back for me to see them as little as possible. Of course you can easily destroy me that way and I think you know it. It is terrible for me to hear DD8 say ‘can you not chose maman instead of OW so that we can come back home?’. I am not going to enter the argument beyond this question (I had made my choice…), but I would just like you to realise how wrong it is that an 8 year old child asks her dad this question. On my side, I have never told the girls anything about our problems. I have always wanted to leave them as far as possible from these terrible adults’ problems, whose consequences they will have to face in the future as innocent children. I am convinced that the best for them is to know as little as possible. We should avoid at all means to ask them to take a side. We should tell them as naturally as we can what the situation is and what will change in their lives. If possible, we should do this together. We have to make them understand that they are not the root cause of all this. Please understand that I am not trying to lecture you here as I have only tried to learn from what people are telling me. My girls are the most precious and important thing in my life, by far. So, I am begging you to think of them first and before all. I think we have to answer key questions before doing anything. I don’t have them all but here are the ones I can think of:

1) Is it good for them to see both of their parents?

2) Where should they live?

3) How should they see their parents’ relationship?

I am sure there are plenty more. But we could start to deal with these ones first. To number 1, my answer is yes of course. I even think they should see the two of us equally. I know you don’t share this opinion, and I am ready to listen to your point of view with an open mind. A while ago, when we addressed these points, you seemed to be willing to talk openly about how to optimise this. You said I would be able to come whenever I wanted if you had them with you. I am afraid that you may not be anymore in an open attitude about this, and I really hope I am wrong…

To number 2, there is no obvious answer. I personally think this should be in France, but I am pretty sure you do not agree. You have spent the last 20 years of your life telling me that if you were to live in Ireland, you could only do it in Dublin. You have also said many times that you would prefer to stay in France. Well, I am also pretty sure that all that is gone down the drain. DD8 even mentioned tonight that you were considering buying the site beside your dad’s to build a house there…! Talk about a U-turn… I just hope that, if this were the case, it would not be by pure revenge. If it were, it would be extremely sad… You are probably going to tell me that ‘you have no choice’ as this seems to be a recurrent answer to almost any of my questions. I would just like to underline here that I am perfectly able to mind my children and if somebody should give you some help in that matter, I believe the girls would much prefer if it were me. Hence, I feel we should both try to optimise where they will live in connection with where we will be living.

To number 3, I feel we have to make huge efforts for our relationship to be as good as possible. I will never say anything bad about you to my children. I would love if we could talk like normal people. I always have in mind that I spent the best 19 years of my life with you. We made children, four wonderful little girls who are the loves of my life. You will always be special to me Tully and I hope you will eventually feel this too.

I have been crying lots and lots in the last two months as I suffer immensely from the lack of them. But in the end, this is nothing compared to their pain. We are withdrawing the most important thing in their lives: a united family. Again, I don’t feel it is relevant to talk about whose fault it is. I am determined to do my very best in order for this to be the least harmful for them. And what I read or hear is that if we start refusing to talk and going through solicitors and the justice, things will be worse for them. So please, I beg you to communicate with me directly and not to go through courts. I am willing to do all I can for the girls. Even not see them anymore ever if somebody convinces me that this is the best thing I could do for them. I am saying that because this would indeed be the worst thing that could ever happen to me in life. I also know that they need me dearly and I will always be there for them. So, please, let’s talk and try to do this right.

Let me add this today:

I am extremely disappointed by your attitude with the girls. Last night was terrible with DD8 and DD8 asking me why I prefer OW to you, why I don't want to take them back to France. Even DD8 told me that 'when one marries somebody, he has to stay with them for life'. It is so obvious that those words are not DD8's (she is 8…). Since the day you left, you have been telling them things like that: ‘Papa has to choose between OW OR HIS FAMILY' I had to sort my problems at home and decide if I want my family back, etc... On my side, I avoided to say anything because I thought they did not have to be involved in our problems. Of course I am NOT GOING TO CHOOSE ANYTHING (OR ANYBODY) BEFORE MY CHILDREN. By saying nothing to them, again I have not fought for my cause, but I feel they should not have been put in front line. You de-facto involved them when you decided to leave, but you did worse that this: by refusing to communicate with me and by what you said to them all along, you have thrown them in front line. You did this perhaps unconsciously to 'protect yourself'. I find you attitude incredibly selfish and it is so obvious to me that you did not think of them enough. Last night killed me and I cannot accept that my children get brainwashed by you or your family. Also, do you think it was fair to tell them that I want to divorce? Why can’t we do this together? Do you think it was fair to imply (even if you did not say it directly: what do you expect after what you have told them in the last three months) that my choice is between them and OW and that I am choosing OW? Why could we not have talked to them together, in a civilised way explaining things simply and calmly? You have no notion of what you are (indirectly) doing to me. Your attitude is deeply wrong and I hope so dearly that it can change in the future, for the girls’ sake.

WH

WH,

I am at a bit of a loss to understand the purpose of your email as I don't see that you are making any specific proposition etither for how to deal with the logistics of a divorce or any suggestions for a reconciliation but if the aim was to explain to me your point of view then maybe it's appropriate if I explain my point of view in return.

When I discovered your affair in August, I was shocked beyond belief (In fact I still have trouble believing it) That the person who I thought loved and cared for me most in the whole world could have treated me so badly turned my world upside down. It changed everything for me. Not only did you lie to me and betray me but you made me feel that it was all my fault, that I was the problem.

Nothing ever justifies an affair no matter what the condition of the marriage. There are 3 honourable ways to deal with an unhappy marriage
- try to fix it
- put up with it
- get out of it. Having an affair is not an option and is deeply wrong. You destroyed our couple and our family when you had the affair. Nevertheless I was prepared to try to reconstruct our marriage because I loved you so much and because I felt it was the best thing for all 6 of us. Please note that I say 'reconstruct' because the old relationship between us no longer existed. We had to build up a new one from scratch where you had to earn my trust again.

At no point did you make any attempt to earn my trust. You may think that you made a decision to stay with me but subconsciously you didn't. You lacked the courage to leave and that's not the same thing. You made no efforts to reassure me, to regain my trust and to repair the damage you caused. At best in the weeks before I left, you were as inert and unresponsive as a wet dishrag and at worst you were provocative and hurtful. You sneered at me when I asked to see your email account, you whistled nonchalantly when I queried your unprotected sex but above all, you didn't care one little bit about my feelings with regard to contact with OW.

I told you over and over again that any form of contact (personal, professional, random or any other) with her was an additional stab in my heart and that it was killing me. You resisted cutting all contact with her with a ferocity that scared me. You never wanted to break contact with her, you only made the moves that I forced you to do when I held a gun to your head. The two no contact emails you sent were only done when I threatened to leave to go to Ireland with the girls at Le Guichet and when I threatened to tell A Colleague about the affair. Never did you make a voluntary move out of love and consideration for me.

You said several times 'What more do you want? Didn't I break it off with her?' This comment indicates to me how little you understood the depth of the wrong you caused to me. Your apologies meant nothing because you had no idea what you were apologising for but above all you did not stop causing me the pain. The pain for me is not only the sex but all forms of contact with that woman. Why could you never understand that?

When I insisted on no contact you consistently replied 'BUT IT'S OVER' as if that meant the same thing. I couldn't beleive that you were so dense as not to see the difference between the two things. After the first no contact email when OW said to HER Boss 'That was dictated by Tully' I realised that the only way no contact could be put into place is if you really and truely wanted it in your own heart and you never did. OW knew that you wanted to stay in touch with her and that you were only doing this because of me and of course she would never let go then. As a result she planned to stay in France for as long as it took for our marriage to be destroyed, hence her email to The Secretary in her Place Of Work. Obviously me leaving France changed her plans. In the last conversation we had before I left you told me that she rang and said 'Does Tully not realise how stupid she is to demand no contact between us?' And you said that you could only but agree with her. This gave her a clear message that contact from her would be welcome and that you wanted to stay in touch. This made me realise that all my discussions prior to this were useless. You think I should have stayed and put up with living in a situation where I felt completely unsafe and unsure and you made no effort to reassure me.

I decided to ask you to leave the house but I was sure that you would not leave because you had refused point blank to do so when I asked for this in Vendee. I went to see a solicitor to see if there was a legal way I could make you leave the house and he said no. He then said 'Why don't you go to Ireland?' I said that I didn't think I had the right to do so and he said 'Of course you do'.

I went away and I thought about it and in the meantime we had the famous conversation in the plane on the way to Sister's wedding and I realised that I couldn't possibly stay in a marriage where you disregarded my feelings so completely and where you were prepared to be dishonest with me on a point that was so critical to me. During that conversation you said to me about seven times in that disgusting, sneering, mocking voice: 'ZEERRRO CONTACT'. This is when I decided to go to Ireland. However, just beforehand I rang the solicitor beforehand to make absolutely sure I had a right to go and I got his partner on the phone who also guaranteed me that I was perfectly entitled to go.

I went to Ireland because I was in such awful health and I could no longer go on the way I was. Also I was starting to hate you for all you were doing to me. I hoped that by going away you would realise how deeply I felt about this issue of no contact with OW and how any form of contact at any level now or in the future was so unbearable to me that I would rather divorce you than put up with it.

I told you this a thousand times so it is incredible to me that you say that you only realised on Monday that random meetings at conferences or meetings were unacceptable to me. This is ridiculous, how could I have said it more plainly than I said it, over and over and over?

However, I had underestimated your ability to focus on yourself, your inability to think of me in this whole thing, to consider the pain I suffered. You became entirely focused on your own pain at not seeing the girls daily instead of asking yourself the right questions which are: What did I do to make this happen? and What can I do to rectify the situation?

I cut all contact with you because conversations with you were destroying my love for you and destroying all chance of reconstruction. I hoped that by cutting contact I would allow you time to come to your senses and see what you were doing without allowing you to destroy our family in the meantime.

Every time I opened the door to show you the way back you slammed it shut in my face. You refuse to make steps back to me no matter what I do. I specifically asked A Friend to ask you to send me an email outlining how precisely you planned to break contact with OW and I know she told you that you could include career/ position/ house or country changes if necessary but you sent me back a horrible email 5 days later with not one mention of breaking contact.

I asked you to contact Steve Harley who is a highly regarded marriage guidance councellor specialised in the reconstruction of marriages after infidelity but you didn't. You come up with all kinds of excuses and obstacles such as 'you need to read my emails first', 'he's an American, what would he know' or 'it's too expensive' 'the fime difference was a problem'.

As late as yesterday, I told you the following in my email: I have always been clear that I am willing to reconstruct a good marriage with you but only if you made a firm commitment to never having any contact with OW for the rest of our lives, something you have never done. (please note the present tense) but you respond with: This might make you feel good (or not) but be assured that the last three months have deeply damaged me and last night finished the destruction work.

You only ever see the negative and never pounce on the positive. I am sure that someone who wanted to reconstruct his marriage would be looking out for positive signs and would jump on them so don't try to tell me that you tried to make our marriage work. You did not.

I am going to address 2 other points you raised.

Firstly, telling the girls about our situation. This is what I told the girls exactly:
'Papa worked with a girl called OW who, seeing what a nice man he was, decided that she would like to be his wife. But Papa was already married and one of the big differences between the love between parents and children and between men and women is that parents can love lots and lots of children equally just as Papa and I love all 4 of you equally but between men and women we can only love one. So that means if we fall in love with a different person, we have to divorce and change. Even the law says that we are only allowed to have one wife or husband. However Papa allowed OW to believe that she might become his wife and that he might divorce me. When I found out I was very angry and told Papa that he had to tell her to go away. But it's complicated for him so we will go to Ireland for a little while to allow Papa to sort things out and make her go away. But I also want to tell you that the other big difference between the two kinds of love is that parents always love their children no matter what happens and no matter what they do. On the other hand the love between parents sometimes goes away but sometimes it comes back again.'

I didnt' want to talk about sex so I spoke about it in terms they understand i.e. parents and husbands and wives. This is the truth and I believe that you are wrong to want to hide the truth from children. They imagine much worse things when they are not told the truth. I believe that you wanted to conceal the truth from them not because of how it would hurt them but because you were ashamed of your actions and didn't want them to think less of you. If one of us got a cancer for example, I think you would want to tell them the truth even if it was tough on them but here you want to conceal it. I will do my best to protect their image of you but I can't guarantee how they will view you in the future. Children understand that we can all make mistakes but it's the fact of not doing what it takes to rectify them that is the most damaging in the long run.

It is normal that DD8 asked if you were going to marry OW given the explanation I gave to her above. It's a logical extrapolation on her part. And I have no intention of telling the girls that I want a divorce when I don't. This would be a lie and I will not lie to them, no matter how it might protect you.

On the final issue of the email I sent to OW. You tell me that I wrote it to be destructive and indeed I did - destructive of your affair. I hoped it would speed up the demise of your relationship which is obviously very much alive given your reaction to me hurting your precious OW. When she tried to destroy our marriage and hurt me and our family using underhand methods (as is the norm for affairs) your response to me was 'Yes, I know, but you have to understand, she's fighting for her love'. I knew the email would make you angry (but I didn't expect that you would respond within the hour) but I knew that our marriage had a chance of survival against your anger but none if the affair continued.

Don't expect me to believe that, although you jumped to her defence over two weeks ago, publically declaring that you were divorcing me, there has been no contact between you of any sort since then. This would be stretching my incredulity beyond limits and taking me for a fool.

WH, you are lost and messed up. I hope you will find your way but your pride and selfcenteredness are disserving you. I will meet up with you on Friday but I suggest that you send me a concrete proposal for the future of the girls before then so that we have something constructive to discuss.

Tully

Don't bother reading unless you have absolutely nothing else to do.

typical fog babble

Tully,

You are so mean to me. If only you would come back and wait on me while I keep in touch with my piece of fluff, everything would be fine.

Poor, poor me. None of this is my fault, but I will nobly take all the blame while accepting none of the responsibility.

WH

WH,

You are a dishrag.

Tully

It is terrible for me to hear DD8 say ‘can you not chose maman instead of OW so that we can come back home?’. I am not going to enter the argument beyond this question (I had made my choice…), but I would just like you to realise how wrong it is that an 8 year old child asks her dad this question.

Tully,

I will reply to your different points in your text. Perhaps this is not a very elegant way to do it, but it has the advantage of making things clear, which I think is crucial.

> I am at a bit of a loss to understand the purpose of your email as I don't see that you are making any specific proposition etither for how to deal with the logistics of a divorce or any suggestions for a reconciliation but if the aim was to explain to me your point of view then maybe it's appropriate if I explain my point of view in return.
>

Indeed, I think this is essential that we talk about the points which have not been addressed because of the complete lack of communication of the last three months. Before we can talk about the future, I find it extremely important that 1) we are aware of each other's points of view and 2) that we get annoyed about fundamental disagreements by email and not on Friday. For me, it is of upmost importance that we could be constructive tomorrow and that we don't end up like on the phone the other day. If we argue like we did, we will lose even more in the battle. The girls are too important an issue for me to attend unprepared that meeting with you. I have to be in the mood to talk constructively and I would really like if you could be in the same frame of mind. This is the goal of my emails, much more than to propose options. The opions will be talked about face to face tomorrow.


We have talked at length about how wrong I was to have an affair. I agree with you that this was deeply wrong and that I should never have done it. However, and I perhaps never really said it well, I do think you are (still) over-reacting to it. I think lots of couples go through it, and forgive, without it resulting in the 'destruction of our couple and our family when I had the affair'. I do agree that the old relationship is lost and a new one has to take over. I also agree that, because I was the cause of it, I had to make big efforts to 'earn your trust again'. However, in the midst of all this, we forgot to address the more basic question of 'why did I have an affair?'. We did talk about it several times, but I never felt that we really realised and accepted that our relationship had been suffering for a while for reasons completely independent from OW. I had the feeling that you focused entirely on her destructive influence without realisaing that she was not the root cause of it, but just a consequence. In the last while, I had time to think more about all this and it is clearer in my mind why I drifted away. It is because I thought you were becoming more and more 'fanatical' about things and it was hard to have any interesting conversation with you without it ending at 2 o'clock in the morning after a long argument. Often, the arguments were stupid because we never really disagreed on the basics. And I felt that it was very frustrating that because of ridiculous details, I had to get fed up with your way of arguing and fighting till the end, until you had emptied me and I ended up pissed off, not sleeping well, and frustrated. I always thought that this was no big deal since we were always in agreement on the big issues. I realise now that this was not the case and that indeed, it was a big deal in the end. Not desagreeing on the basics is not enough for a couple. I realised that when we live together, life is common to two people and even when the basics (which are essential) are not a problem, life can 'become heavy' because of our 'little annoying ways'. And this was my downfall. I did not address what I thought were 'petits problemes de forme et pas de fond' which I did not realise were adding up. In the end, it was becoming hard for me to talk to you and that damaged our relationship. Be assured that I am not trying to justify my affair, I am only trying to understand why it happened (I still think it shouldn't have). People outside also noticed that you were becoming 'too strong minded' (or something like that, I am not finding the right words). In fact, A FRiend once (about a year and a half ago I guess) took me aside to tell me that people in the village were getting annoyed at some of your arguments which you were pushing to extemes. Friends Husband, P said it again last Friday when I came over for a beer to his place (Your Friend, E, was with you in Ireland at the time). Please, do not take this as a personal attack, as I am only trying to tell you what I felt and how I was not the only one to notice. Except that I was the one living with you and I had things on a different scale. Overall, I felt you were going from being a strong opinionated woman to a real fighter, bordering on fanatism some times. I am not saying I was right to think that, I am saying that this is how I felt. We should have addressed it at that time, and I blame me for that.

> At no point did you make any attempt to earn my trust. You may think that you made a decision to stay with me but subconsciously you didn't. You lacked the courage to leave and that's not the same thing.
>
Your analyses of my subconscious have always left me with a feeling of frustration: you always seem to know more about myself than me... I did decide to stay with you and I don't feel that my subconscious disagreed.

> You made no efforts to reassure me, to regain my trust and to repair the damage you caused. etc ...
Why could you never understand that?
> You think I made no efforts with you. I obviously did not make enough... You mention (and you always do) the same two events when you want to demonstrate how bad I was with you. Personnally, I feel that I was overall not too bad, but I did made mistakes, which I paid cash each time. I would just like to remind you that for weeks, we talked about all this on average every second night. I don't think I was like what you describe most of the time. Again, this is only my perspective.
Concerning contacts with OW, yes I can see how painful this was although I did not appreciate fully how really destructive it was. In fact, I think I underestimated completely what it did to you. You probably know my feeling about it: I thought that what was important was the long term and I knew that we would reconstruct and end up united in the end. This was because I had decided that my story with OW was over. In fact, with hindsight, I disagree with your image of an addict. You had that notion that seeing OW (even in a picture) meant that I would automatically crack up and sleep with her. I have realised that this is wrong and that once I had decided that our story was over, it would be. This is why I asked for these 2 or 3 meetings to finish up the work we had started. I could very well have managed this without cracking up. I know that for sure. So, on my side, I thought I was not unreasonable. In fact, I have realised since then that people can be very different on this issue. Some, like you, demand no contact ever. Some others do not feel that this is essential and I even heard of people who had affairs and still work together... You are a very straight person Tully and for you, this is unconcievable. I did realise that but I also showed that I did not share this point of view. I eventually agreed to guaranty that I would never again contact OW. I thought this was reasonable and I even was honnest by saying that the chances are that I would bump into her at some random conference or meeting typically once a year or every second year. This is roughly the frequency at which I see people working in a close field. I reallly think this is not an unreasonable proposition. I feel you completely underestimated my ability to get over all this. Therefore, you are right that I did not fully understand by myself the reason behind your demand.

> When I insisted on no contact you consistently replied 'BUT IT'S OVER' as if that meant the same thing. I couldn't beleive that you were so dense as not to see the difference between the two things. After the first no contact email when OW said to AB 'This was dictated by Tully' I realised that the only way no contact could be put into place is if you really and truely wanted it in your own heart and you never did. OW knew that you wanted to stay in touch with her and that you were only doing this because of me and of course she would never let go then. As a result she planned to stay in France for as long as it took for our marriage to be destroyed, hence her email to The Secretary in Her Place of Work. Obviously me leaving France changed her plans.
>
This is not right and I know now because I saw AB a few days ago. First, OW never sent anything to Secretary because in research, this is not how things work. What happens is that the professor, BIG Boss in that case, decides who gets the job and the starting date. The Human Resources department gets the information last. If I am right, that The secretary is in the HR department and therefore she would not have been aware of BB's arragements with OW. In fact, AB said that the arrangement was that her official contract started in December but that she would go beforehand still paid by Orsay. This was agreed weeks beforehand and can be checked with AB if you wish. OW knew before you left that she was starting the following week and she had bought her plane ticket before the Thursday you left. Therefore, you leaving France had no influence on her going there. She never planned to stay in France, unless you have some information that either AB or me did not have. I have to conclude that OW had completely given up and had no plans to 'stay in France for as long as it took for our marriage to be destroyed'. I am sure of that and I am surprised that with the little evidence you have, you can still think it...

> In the last conversation we had before I left you told me that she rang and said 'Does Tully not realise how stupid she is to demand no contact between us?' And you said that you could only but agree with her. This gave her a clear message that contact from her would be welcome and that you wanted to stay in touch. This made me realise that all my discussions prior to this were useless. You think I should have stayed and put up with living in a situation where I felt completely unsafe and unsure and you made no effort to reassure me.
>
I don't understand why you would have had to feel 'completely unsafe and unsure' and I completely disagree that I did not make efforts to reassure you. I kept on saying that I was over the full story and that OW was going to move away for two years. On the opposite, I did my best to reassure you that she had not been in touch for the previous three weeks and that distance was going to 'seal' the problem. It is unfair to say that I did nothing to try to convince you.
> I decided to ask you to leave the house but I was sure that you would not leave because you had refused point blank to do so when I asked for this in Vendee. I went to see a solicitor to see if there was a legal way I could make you leave the house and he said no. He then said 'Why don't you go to Ireland?' I said that I didn't think I had the right to do so and he said 'Of course you do'.>
From the little experience I have, it seems to me that solicitors are fighting for their own business, which is based on disagreement and battles between people. I am only slightly surprised that he advised you that. I shall tell my solicitor the next time I see her (hopefully never, but I doubt it...) that some of her colleagues can advise you to do this. Again, she told me that it was illegal and you can check for this the Hague convention something called 'Brussels 2bis'.
I would just like to add at this stage that the week after you had gone, I offered to OW that you'd come back and I would move out. You refused. I have been suggesting this since. I am still suggesting it now... Had you told me that you really wanted me to move out or you were going to Ireland, I would have moved out. My previous refusal had nothing of a 'point blank' kind of thing.

I feel you completely misunderstood my point during that conversation on the plane. I just wanted to tell you that I did not share the same extremely strong feelings about contact with OW and that I estimated that what I was offering: i.e. to never seek contact with her again, was very reasonable. I am not alone thinking that it was very reasonable indeed. Not being able to convince you otherwise is, I realise, a major problem between us. We will not agree on this, and again, it is only now that I realise how important it is for me too: the reason why we drifted in the first place was, from my point of view, that I found you too uncompromising. I feel your attitude since you left has reaffirmed the problem so vividly.

> I went to Ireland because I was in such awful health and I could no longer go on the way I was. Also I was starting to hate you for all you were doing to me. I hoped that by going away you would realise how deeply I felt about this issue of no contact with OW and how any form of contact at any level now or in the future was so unbearable to me that I would rather divorce you than put up with it. I told you this a thousand times so it is incredible to me that you say that you only realised on Monday that random meetings at conferences or meetings were unacceptable to me. This is ridiculous, how could I have said it more plainly than I said it, over and over and over?[/b]
>
Yes indeed I felt that you left for those reasons. I would like to point out that at no time you mentioned the girls: neither here or in the note you left on the table. You had to leave because 'you were in such awful health'. Fine, but leave the girls in their home then! Do you think I am not able to manage with them? I can tell you the way I took this: this was bribery using our children. I told IM many times, who answered only very vaguely on that point. I think the girls have not been considered enough in your move. In fact, I find your attitude with them very selfish. You said over the phone the other day that you had now to 'concentrate on you mother role, for which you have been very bad lately'. These were your very words and I fully agreed with them (you might remember). Your behaviour with them for me was so awful, and my pain from being separated from them so bad, that I have been indeed focusing on them. Not allowing me any contact with you was a disaster because it prevented us from discussing basic crucial things like this one.


> However, I had underestimated your ability to focus on yourself, your inability to think of me in this whole thing, to consider the pain I suffered. You became entirely focused on your own pain at not seeing the girls daily instead of asking yourself the right questions which are: What did I do to make this happen? and What can I do to rectify the situation? I cut all contact with you because conversations with you were destroying my love for you and destroying all chance of reconstruction. I hoped that by cutting contact I would allow you time to come to your senses and see what you were doing without allowing you to destroy our family in the meantime.
>
I hope you see now that this behaviour was, on the opposite, a disaster (unless your goal was to split up). How could you expect that inflicting to me a pain as hard as being deprived of my children would solve the problem? Tully, I was here all evening long, depressed from not seing the girls and blaming you for it. I explained to IM many times that you left a situation in which I had left OW, agreed for zero contact, and willing to reconstruct with you. When you left, you inflicted to me a pain that I am prety sure you underestimate, on a daly basis. I could see no way out of this and I have said it since day one. Pain blinds Tully. How could you expect that I would then 'come to my senses and see what I was doing'? How could you expect that I could start to love you more when you were the one inflicting the pain? You forgot one thing in the whole affair: there is no point in you 'trying to save the 'little love you had left for me' if that means destroying the one I had left for you.

> Every time I opened the door to show you the way back you slammed it shut in my face. You refuse to make steps back to me no matter what I do. I specifically asked T to ask you to send me an email outlining how precisely you planned to break contact with OW and I know she told you that you could include career/ position/ house or country changes if necessary but you sent me back a horrible email 5 days later with not one mention of breaking contact.
>
Every time you opend the door?! May I remind you that you refused all form of contact with me, be it by email, by phone and even when I went to see you unexpectedly... T actually rang me just after that famous week-end when you asked Brother not to let me in the door. I had talked to a few people telling them that I had to restore contact with you. S thought that going was no doubt the right thing to do. I had prepared myself to talk to your dad who might open the door and say: 'I am here to fix my mistakes FIL, could I see Tully?'. That was a very very hard blow and I remember not sleeping that night in the 'day's hotel'. I remember thinking 'we are going to divorce because I am seriously going downhill'. I was so so sad. The following day was also a memory that will forever be in my head. I took the girls from Brother's and we went to town. Nothing was open and we eventually found Dunnes opening. We bought a few buns, sat on the bench accross and ate them. It was so so hard to keep my tears in my eyes but I thought I had to do it for the girls. I put on a brave face and joked as if that was good fun. The worst of it is that it was the first time that DD8 asked me 'that girl that you like papa, what is her name.. OW! Why do you want to marry her?' I was driving the car and I remember feeling stabbed. How could you have said that to her? how could you have told them that lie while I had no contact with OW anymore (I know you don't believe that, but please, for the sake of just imagining what it could be in case it were true, just postulate it was). I was so voiceless that DD11 saved me and said: 'DD8, you know that this is not for children'. That week-end was a real nightmare and I came back very late because the RER B had problems. I remember crying most of the way back. I remember thinking that I was disgusted by your attitude with the girls. It is on the Monday (I think) that N came to pick up the keys of their house in Vendee. T rang afterwards saying indeed that you wanted to know 'how precisely I planned to break contact with OW'... As if I had not sais it enough that I had none! Nevertheless, I wrote an email to IM since I could not write it to you directly. As usual, I wrote the email only 2 days later because I prefer if I leave some time for thinking before writing important things. IM said she would send it to you but she could keep it for another day if I wanted to change bits and pieces, since that was 'a veryimportant one and that I had to be sure not to make a mistake'. On the Thursday, I got very pissed off with another comment from one of the girls on the phone as well as a telephone call with Brother and I decided indeed to modify my email. I sent it the following day and asked IM to send that one instead. I still have it of course and although it was less positive than the first one, I don't think it is 'horrible' at all. I only suggested that you came back home with the girls and that I moved out so that we can talk calmly about our issues. I thought not staying at home would be better as it would prevent us from arguing all the time. I also said in the mail that 'breaking contact' was irrelevant because it was already broken.


> I asked you to contact Steve Harley who is a highly regarded marriage guidance councellor specialised in the reconstruction of marriages after infidelity but you didn't. You come up with all kinds of excuses and obstacles such as 'you need to read my emails first', 'he's an American, what would he know' or 'it's too expensive' 'the fime difference was a problem'.
>
For Christmas holidays, I was at the end of my tether. I begged IM to ask you to come home, even if it only was for a few days. I told her we would not go to Annecy for Christmas but we would stay in Our Village as a family. You refused point blank, which was a dreadful thing to do considering that Christmas is justnot any kind of celebration. Again, I felt you were extremely selfish and did not consider the girls at all. They had been asking me on the phone and at week-ends for Christmas and I had been telling them that I would love if they could come back home for it. When you sent me an email about contacting that marriage guidance councellor, I was very happy that you had at last sent me an email. I had sent you one the week before with my vision of things and how I felt you should come home and I would move out to communicate progressively in a better way. you answered negatively but I sent a mail to that guy anyway. I got, on the Friday evening, two possible slots for an appointment on Monday (I was leaving to come to Ireland on Tuesday, the 23rd of December). When I recieved it, I thought it was too late to reply (I had a thesis defence that day and came back to the lab late) because I was outside of his opening time. It is only the following day that I realised that the guy was actually in the Sates (I originally thought he was in Ireland)...! I thought this was rather ridiculous to talk on the phone to a guy somewhere in America about our problems. You know how bad I am on the phone and I had thought your point was that we could eventually meet him to discuss potential solutions. I could have rang and arrange a last minute thing on the Monday, but I thought it was ridiculous and that the first thing to do was to have contact with you first. I thought I would see you for a coffee the following day, but you didn't show up. I would like to mention that I never said anything about potential expenses for his services.
> You only ever see the negative and never pounce on the positive. I am sure that someone who wanted to reconstruct his marriage would be looking out for positive signs and would jump on them so don't try to tell me that you tried to make our marriage work. You did not.
>
The bottom line is that you left from a situation where I had no contact with OW and was motivated to reconstruct. In the last months, despite my calls for help, my numerous conversations with IM and my efforts to tell you that I wanted you back home, we have reached an irreversible situation. I have problems to accept 100% of the blame...


Tully, I know you and I have no doubt that you are doing things for the good of the children. However, I think you do not realise a couple of things. First, as I said, you attitude with them is, in my opinion, selfish. What really bothers me the most is that you do not have the right to say that you took them to Ireland in order to 'allow Papa to sort things out and make her go away'. Even if it is what you think, you know very well that this is not what I think. I have always been clear that OW was out of the picture. Hence, you knew when you told them that, that I would not agree. And this is wrong because by doing so, you put them in a position of beleiving your version of things over mine. Even if yours was the true one (which it is not), you would still be wrong because you automatically put them in between us. Parents should tell children things together so that kids do not have to have an opinion. By doing things that way, you have involved them in our problems right where we disagree. Thus, they are now in front line in that battle and as a result, they will be more damaged than they should have been. My opinion is that children should be told mainly facts, if possible by their two parents together. They should never be asked to take a position or choose who is right or wrong between their two parents. I know this was not your intention but the result is that they ask me every week-end now if I have sorted my problem with OW and if they can come back to France. They often ask if I came to take them back. What can I answer to that? The fact that they ask the question is wrong, irrelevantly of where the truth is.


>I didnt' want to talk about sex so I spoke about it in terms they understand i.e. parents and husbands and wives. This is the >truth and I believe that you are wrong to want to hide the truth from children. They imagine much worse things when they are not >told the truth. I believe that you wanted to conceal the truth from them not because of how it would hurt them but because you >were ashamed of your actions and didn't want them to think less of you. If one of us got a cancer for example. I think you would >want to tell them the truth even if it was tough on them but here you want to conceal it. I will do my best to protect their >image of you but I can't guarantee how they will view you in the future. Children understand that we can all make mistakes but >it's the fact of not doing what it takes to rectify them that is the most damaging in the long run.

There is lots of rubbish in this paragraph. Yes, of course children have to be told the truth, in terms they can understand. This is why they have to be told things by the two parents, in order to avoid a one sided view on problems that are not obviously black and white. If you tell them black, and I, on my side, feel that I have to tell them white, what will they think? This is not a question of concealing things from them. It is a question of showing that the two references they have in life have a common opinion of what is the truth. The reason why I said nothing is not because I am ashamed of my actions. It is because I do not know how to avoid them seeing a conflict between what they see as being the two basis of their world: you and me. You actually remember that we already talked to them once and we did it together, which was much better for them. As for you protecting my image in their eyes, you have indeed demonstrated that you are working on my side... Do you think I am an idiot? The 'doing what it takes' is at their discretion for later in life. Personnally, I am not overly worried about this, so I thank you very much for doing your best to protect my image, but this will not be necessary. I shall deal with it myself. Just in passing, since you said the other day that 'even BIL was on your side', I sent him a few emails lately to find out if this was really true. He said something interesting tonight. He said that being right at the beggining does not give you the right to do everything afterwards and to be justified. He said that threatening that the girls will juge later is 'a double tranchant' and that they indeed will have an opinion at some stage based on the whole story. They will juge indeed if 'what it takes' was done and by whom.




Indeed, it is a normal extrapolation that DD8 said what she said. And this is where it is so wrong! If you don't want a divorce, why are you staying in Ireland with our children? You are very welcome back and I will do everything to live with my girls again. Your actions are not consistent with your words. Why should you impose your conditions and declare that if they do not suit me, then it means that I want a divorce? What I was offering did not suit you and you left with the girls. I think some outside person may rather conclude that you decided to leave me... And to conclude on that one, I indeed would not like you to lie to the girls, so thank you for not doing it 'to protect me'. Again, I don't feel I need your protection.


>On the final issue of the email I sent to OW...

Indeed, there has been contacts between me and OW since your email. It seems that you are doing your best to demonstrate that you are not the person for me in life. That email was not only destructive, but also nasty and petty. That email was despicable and it demanded a reply from me (although I was not in copy...). Again, you judged badly the consequences of your acts as demonstrated by your remark that you 'knew that our marriage had a chance of survival against my anger'. How could you believe that inflicting me a continuous pain by taking the girls away and disgusting me with that type of email would bring us back together? You are so incredibly sure that you are totally right, that it blinds you completely. I don't know if you got any replies from your mail, but I can tell you that Big Boss is not impressed. I can also tell you that he is not the only one.


>WH, you are lost and messed up. I hope you will find your way but your pride and selfcenteredness are disserving you. I will >meet up with you on Friday but I suggest that you send me a concrete proposal for the future of the girls before then so that we >have something constructive to discuss.

I am destroyed by your attitude and indeed very messed up. Regarding pride, I have heard a few people say that about you... Your attitude since you left has been very wrong, especially regarding the girls' situation. In three months of what you imposed on me including no communication (or with a mediator completely on your side), keeping the girls far from their home, imposing your conditions for any possible come back (including the girls in the package, which can be taken as bribery), attempting to destroy OW's situation as well as my reputation, has managed to convince me that we are too different people to be happy spending the rest of our lifes together. I have had 19 beautiful years with you and four wonderful little girls who are my upmost priority in life. I will never say anything bad outside about you because I have loved you immensely. You have plenty of qualities and I have no doubt that you could find somebody better suited than me to spend his life with you. You deserve a happy life Tully because you are a great person. Unfortunately, I feel the man you need is not me. We have slowly drifted apart because we have evolved slightly differently with time. I have been missing enormously the long and constructive discussions we used to have, which have been gone for about two years. I have learnt an enormous amount of things with you, including love, respect, determination, humour, joy of life and above it all love of you and common love for our children. My dearest wish at this stage is that we can deal with the girls future in a common agreement discussing what is good for them. I really hope that we will be able to be intelligent about it and still decide together, as we have done so well until recently. We were a great team Tully and lots of people think that. I wish we can still be a team for our children in the future. I wish we can forget about our needs in order to put their needs first. But the thing I wish the most, is that our girls will be as happy in life as I have been with you for 18 years.

As you can see, this is not intended to be an email with propositions for their future. This is intended as an email that will help us construct together something for them by preventing us from arguing tomorrow. I thought that by puting down in an email 'tout ce qu'on a sur le coeur', this could prevent all this from being the core of our discussion of tomorrow. I have no well-thought proposition. I would like us to think together about what we can do for them in the future. I hope we can be constructive and I am scared of what will happen between us tomorrow because I consider it as one of the most important days in my life (after the birth of the girls and the firt time I met you).

WH