Rusty, it is real effective when a parent gets a call from an angry H about their son's affair. Some parents are like me and MrsW's parents and we don't tolerate that kind of trash from our kids. MrsW's mother called up the OM and scared the man so bad that he dumped her THAT DAY!

Even if the parent doesn't care about the kid ["I just want him to be happy;" :RollieEyes: puhleese, I guess we should be grateful he is not a serial killer ] the exposure causes pressure and conflict in the affair. Many affairees don't want that kind of trouble. They just want some side nookie, and don't even want to have to explain to family members why he is doing a married woman.

I am comitting myself to finding his family next and exposing to them.

Every time I re-contact OMW he tells WW that they will leave it alone for a month or so and then come back to it. I am tired of this scum ball and want it ended once and for all.

WW gets to see him only every couple of weeks, how can he possibly be meetinbg any EN for her?

You're kidding, right?

He WANTS her.

He NEEDS her.

He's willing to lie and cheat for her.

He flatters her.

He gives her excitement by having HER lie and cheat.

He lets her cake-eat, and everyone wants to be wanted by two guys, right?

You're stuck in this quagmire because you're unwilling to stand up for yourself and be MAD!

If you still want this woman, is it not worth spending money to hire a PI to get the information you need? If not, I guess you really don't want the marriage back, just enjoy being a victim...

BELIEVE ME, HE DOES!! Read this post by a FWS who used to only see her OM 1X a month:


No contact, lifechoice http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659249&fpart=3

Every time I read where a WS is still working with the AP I cringe because I know exactly where things are headed. I know I said this before, but I only worked 6 days a month and after I ended the A, of the 6, we maybe worked together 1 or 2. When I ended the A it brought relief and neither FOM nor I wanted the A any longer, but regardless I was hooked. Just seeing his car in the parking lot, his name on an work email, or anything related to him kept me hooked.

I never knew ahead of time if I was going to be working with him. If I pulled into the parking lot and saw his car I would feel happy and sad at the same time and if his car was not there I would feel relief and sad at the same time.

My therapist told me to journal and after I confessed the stuff in there just makes me shake my head. Now when I read the stuff I did, said, etc it makes me sick to my stomach. I honestly believed I was on my best behavior because we were not crossing any inappropriate lines or so we thought. Now I can "see" exactly what happened and how it fed my addiction to the A. All those "professional" conversations that had bits and pieces of non-professional idle chit chat, facial expressions, body language, the unnecessary walk-by's, the acknowleging everyone but him days, etc where so harmful. And then my poor H would get to hear all about it because I was being open and honest. I have no idea why he didn't leave me because of what I put him through.

In a sec I will add a snippet from my journal and a prime example of why FAP's cannot stay working together. I hadn't seen my FOM in who knows how long. Docp had recently asked for all the details of the A and I was a complete nervous wreck. When I got to work, FOM was there, I was having a really bad day and to top it off was exposed to TB by a patient. The TB deal was the straw that broke the camels back. I had a meltdown in my FOM's office and almost passed out. I asked him if I could sit for a second and that second of sitting lead to a conversation we never should have had.

We talked about Docp's and his W's reaction, how we all were coping, how stupid and weak we were etc, etc. Even sitting here now I remember the feeling I had and KNEW we should not have been having that conversation, but it was making me feel better when I felt like crap. What I didn't realize was I had just had a big dose fed to my addiction and the whole cycle started again.

Here is the snippet from my journal: (I changed names of course)

"It felt good to talk to him and clear a lot of this up. He even mentioned it was nice that we were able to talk and I feel like he meant it, not in an appropriate way, just a friendly way. (Ah, this from the person who has been avoiding talking to me forever) I felt like I was talking to my 'old friend" the way it was for years before we messed everything up. I told Docp about the whole conversation. He was ok with this conversation, but said he wouldn't be really happy if we started talking all the time. duh!!!!!! I just said I understand and didn't plan on talking to him about anything that wasn't work related."

OK, in all reality Docp was NOT OK with the conversation and told me he didn't care if I was going to faint or not I needed to crawl out of his office, not sit and chat with him. But in my happy place I honestly believed because I told Docp about the conversation it really was OK. I was completely delusional and thought because it made me feel so good, it HAD to be OK.

I had all this going on and I rarely saw my FOM, can you just imagine what is going on when people are seeing each other every day?

Anyway back to NC, I'm not sure if I simply missed it before, but it seems lately we have more who are willing to allow the WS to continue working with the AP and have a zillion and one excuses on why it's OK. I'm never surprised when they find out the A is still ongoing though because I could tell them the details of what is going on during the work day when the WS honestly feels they are on their best behavior.

I have no money. Thats the difference. WHen did I say I was a victim and did you not read that I will start finding out his family? This never even hit me that she didnt tell them until last week because they were told with his last A.

There is always a way to make extra money. You just have to decide your priorities.

It doesn't matter if you didn't know if SOMEONE ELSE had exposed. We've all told you that it has to be YOU who exposes to everyone. We've told you that from the start.

Yes, that is victim mode. And yes, I'm trying to get a rise out of you.

I just cant believe I hadnt thought about this before. I am seriously kicking myself right now. I have friends in the state he is from and they are going to help me find them if they can.

OK, I have a friend in the state OM is from and where OM's family still lives and his girlfriend works at a collections company. I gave him all the info I have on OM and he is going to see what they can turn up for me to find OM parents and family.

This sound good?

sweet!

Catperson, I am sorry if I came across as an [censored]. I am willing to do whatever I have to and all but I will admit I was stupid to think OMW would expose to OM family. He has her wrapped around his finger. I just thought about this a day or two ago and realised that nobody probably knows but OM and OMW about the A.

But a question I do have is this. I do not want to tip off OM at all about trying to find his family but what do I say when I call people to make sure I have the right person? I mean, if I wind up with a list if names and start calling them what do I say to them to actually find out I have the right person?

If I cannot get phone numbers do I make the drive and meet people face to face?

"I am looking for the family of Joe Scumbag who lives in XYZ, Arkansas and works at OldPeoplesHome, do you know him or his family?"

Or.....another way is to send out letters to all the possible family members, tell them about the affair and ask them to contact you if it is the right person. We had another BS do it that way and it caused quite the halestorm!

Thanks for the tips Mel.

Rusty
I sent letters to every person with OMs last name. If you know where OM lives/works use this line....I am looking for the parents of OM who works at abc or lives at xyz are you they? If the answer is yes then reply....thank you we are updating our records.

After reading another thread, I was thinking. SHould I send OM a letter or text or something with the whole what are your intentions with my wife, blah blah blah? Tell him that he will be sophenad if the big D comes because of him and all that crap?

Or leave it alone?

It appears to me, that waiting 90 days to take a stand, and especially if you choose to confront through email/letter, rather than in person, that the OM will likely LAUGH at your weak attempt at confrontation.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a HUGE advocate of confrontation, but to be effective, it needs to be done immediately and with righteous indignation. Your window of opportunity has passed, and there is little "righteous indignation" that can be effectively communicated in the written word, like it can in a direct confrontation.

So, you would suggeste that it is either too late to say anything to him or that I need to do it in person?


ETA: Until I read the thread I was referring to I thought I should not even attempt to confront OM. All the threads in the past said things like OM will not care, blah blah blah. Why now? Because people are seeming to actually recommend it the past few days.

Couple of reasons why confronting the OM in person should be a part of the exposure plan.

- puts a face to the BH - WWs have a way of rewriting history and making the BH a monster.

- confirms to OM that you are still married and he is fooling around with a married woman - not healthy. No telling what the WW is spinning.

- reminds OM that you are not going anywhere and you all are not going to be buddies. There will be more drama in his life with WW.

- also allows you to see who the heck this interloper is and perhaps give him a scare. OM could be a coward and may drop this WW (fun in the sack) for another easier fb.

Important to bring a witness or someone that can intervene to prevent it from getting out of hand.

There are other reasons - and will add them later - at work now

Most of the reasons you listed do not seem to be of much value with this OM. He has told WW that she needs to move back in and work on the M but continue to see him on the side. He doesnt want a full time GF, he just wants sex. OM does not care and he does know I am fighting for the M. He is a selfish SOB that wants what he wants and damn the consequences.

rs,

For confrontation to be truly effective, it can't be something you're doing because you're "TOLD" to do it ... it is just something that is "IN YOU" and you act on it without hesitation.

OM's by nature are arrogant little COWARDS. Most will puff up and act tough upon confrontation, but let them "HEAR AND FEEL" the RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION of a BETRAYED HUSBAND and they will crawl away never to pose a threat again.

My first thought after finding out about OM was to beat the crap out of him...but then I was talked out of it because spending the night in the pokey could really screw my life up. I thought about things like losing my kids if D comes through because of it and there are a few other things that a confrontation would cause me to lose out on. Assault with a deadly weapon does not look good for you.

I tried weighing the pros and cons and the cons came way out ahead. Thats why I asked about other ways. I do not know if I would be able to not do anything if I confronted him face to face.