Look, my wife was hanging around with "friend X" weekly last summer... When I lived with my wife before... we barely saw "friend X". I expect that to continue now and into the future. I think I'm just going to have to make an exception in this case.

I don't believe that my wife will cheat on me ever again. You have to remember that we weren't living together when this all went down.

If either one of us strays again... the marriage will be over. That's just the reality of things.

My response to that is, "Well, duh".

It should be a given that the OP is to never be seen or heard from again.

I hope I was never this ball-less shortly after d-day.

Agreed.

Look, I don't know if you're blowing the responses off because of their tone, or if you really don't understand the gravity of your decision.

Have you read any MB stuff at all? I'm going to assume you haven't, given your decision. MB principles state that there must be NO CONTACT between OP and WS...visually, email, anything. Also, since her "friend" hooked her up with the OM, you really need to consider her an enemy to your marriage.

This is NOT a healthy choice you're making. It's going to continue her addiction to OM, put your marriage at VERY high risk of another/continuing A. Natural consequences....you guys need to NOT go to this party at all, and if she throws a fit, then you tell her that's her consequence for having an A. Why would you want to put yourself through so much stress?

Just don't go. It's that simple.

Your wife doesn't deserve to go. You don't deserve to be put through this. It's obviously a concern of yours or we wouldn't be discussing it.

Expand No Contact to include the Friend. She is a piece of crap, and she is your enemy.

Treat her like an OP.

Well with this attitude, your "REALITY" going forward should be to retain the best divorce attorney in your area, because you will soon need their services, friend.

... and I agree with Krazy, there is NO REASON for a BH to remain this "whipped" post D-Day ... you either learn from past mistakes or you repeat them.

I'm going to take everything said here into consideration. It's still about 3 weeks away.

I can't monitor my wife 24/7. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt in certain areas. She works with a multitude of men. She has plenty of opportunity to develop friendships and relationships if she wants. If there's any hope for normalcy... I have to trust her. OK, I'm vulnerable. I've shown her that I love her, we're closer now than ever before. If there is a problem in the future, I'll be able to detect it right away. There is no way she could continue to put the energy she is now putting into the relationship if she is straying. I'll be able to tell.

What will you do when you catch OM whispering with someone and pointing your way?

You will be second guessing every glance that comes your way.

Ego? Yours is about to take a huge hit.

Your wifes POS friend should be relegated to the trash heap from whence she came.

As a FWW myself, I would say it is not a good idea. I know that I wouldn't be able to cope with that situation if it were me. Even if my BS and I wore the leathers and pulled up on the Harley and had a whole pack of bikers with us lol!!!...it would just not be a good situation... You need to reconsider. NC means NC--fully and completely.

Roy, I fear that your future is not bright with absolutely no boundaries in place. That is how affairs happen. It is not lack of trust that causes affairs, but a lack of BOUNDARIES. You should not trust someone who has no boundaries. And it appears your wife has none...........with your apparent blessing.

The people who believe it won't happen to them are usually the ones who experience infidelity, because they are so oblivous to the threat that they take foolish risks like this.

In all honesty, I don't think that will bother me. Don't think I'm just blowing you off here. I'm going to think about this.

I'm besides myself in disbelief. You're going to attend a party for a woman who set your wife up with another man while married to you AND that man is likely going to be there.

There's a saying that you are responsible for how you let others treat you.

What I see here is a man without pride of any kind and who enjoys being kicked in the nuts repeatedly.

You attending this is a giant spit in the face.

This is like going to a party for someone who gave the knife to a guy who stabbed you in the gut.

Stand in the corner and hold her purse while you're at it. Better yet, pat her in the back and give her the go ahead to go laugh it up with the woman that encouraged her to commit adultery and maybe you can go talk to OM and laugh it up about how he did your wife. Maybe you can ask him for tips on how to please her while you're at it and see if he knows something you don't.

Fog God's sake, grow a pair and be a man and have some dignity.

How many bounderies can you realistically have? I mean, if were not going to be somewhere where we're expected, we phone each other. Should I tell my wife she should not have a job that requires business travel? I've told my wife that if she wants to have a beer with "friend X", I want to be there. That's a boundery. If she doesn't live up to that, I'll be P.O.'d and there will be a confrontation. I'm the one in our relationship that pushes the confrontation. We just have to go about our lives and I'll expect her not to have affairs. If she does, then we're done.

I'm giving her the chance to have the husband she said she wanted. I wasn't before. I didn't pursue her at all in our marriage. If she cheats on me now, then what more can I do? We'll be done.

YOu are not "descending into the depths of hell"....

You are WILLINGLY going there.....

I'm am not sure why YOU even WANT to go.......

Yuck......

and I even get a perverse sense that you WANT to do this....

why???....it seems very twisted to me.....

not2fun

Jobs can be changed, and no, you don't have to trust her to have a relatively "normal" relationship with her.

I can understand that you need to trust her...but to the extent that you need to attend an event with OM and the woman that hooked them up?

You're better off not trusting her.

So are you saying the husband she always wanted would WILLINGLY let her go and have an affair???....would WILLINGLY say 'Sure honey, you can boink me and another man'...does tuesday work for you????.....

You going to this party is NOT being the husband she always wanted......

the whole thing just reeks of yuckiness.....

to me, you doing this would be akin to me letting my DD spend the night with the man who molested her.....

Why are NOT PROTECTING YOU WIFE???????.....she obviously cannot do it herself (and no wayward can do it in the beginning of recovery.......) and you are not helping.....

WHY???????

Do you NOT want your marriage???

Do you not want to be married????

not2fun

not2fun

wow, I didn't expect all of the voyeuristic responses. I don't think it's going to be half as bad as you make it out to be. If someone wants to laugh at my expense, well it doesn't bother too much. These people are dirt after all. Yes, we have a few trashy acquaintances.

No I don't really want to go. If I thought that my wife was doing this to rub it my face somehow, that would be different. I would stop it right now. I just don't think that's her intention.

Once again:

This party is an exception.

OM and the affair's #1 cheerleader are going to be there.

All this talk of "trust" and "boundaries" is irrelevant. My wife wouldn't even ASK. She would decline the invitation because A) She would already know my response and B) SHE WOULDN'T WANT TO GO.

I would take the fact that your wife is willing and eager to attend as a big red flag. If she were really remorseful, she would actively avoid any chance of seeing OM again.

You are justifying her behavior for her. What's next...gaslighting yourself?

This is not about willingly letting her run off and have an affair. How is this granting permission? I think she realizes by now that I don't want her banging other guys. Or even bonding with them. People, you make it sound like I should continually not trust her. What kind of marriage is that?

It's the kind of marriage she created. She doesn't deserve your trust, she completely destroyed it (right??) by having an affair, and it's her job to earn it back.

Have you read ANY of the MB principles at all? I'm guessing not, judging your reaction to all of this.