Did you read this, GM? Care and protection of your marriage. Read Dr. Harley's basic concepts over and over. Mike that was very well put.

FF, although I like what Mike has said about protecting his wife. I disagree with him about carrying on differently with others. A wayward does NOT have the luxury to maintain a lifestyle of BSing others and spinning truths in ANY part of their life. The BS should never trust them if they carry on creating TWO SEPERATE persona's/lives. An intuitive spouse will see right through that double standard. A failed M will result.

GreenMile must change ALL areas of his life, or it's just gaming again. Brokenness allows a new process to begin. Complacency and holding onto our old idea's only causes more of the same old results. Radical Honesty in all areas of his life combined with sincerity as his goal in ALL parts of his life will lead his wife to the healing changes she can actually believe in.

ITA, tst. I LIKE the part of caring for his W being his number one goal. Mike framed that part very well. I am also of the mind that if the change is sincere, it changes the way we interact with everyone. When I became a Christian my interactions with everyone slowly changed. I was changed from the inside out. I think taking it one step at a time for GM will work. It's JMHO, though.

Very well said FF

Well, I agree. But baby steps, I think. A personality transformation could take a long time. Cherishing your spouse is something that can be done overnight, I think. Or at least I'm trying to do that with Wayward Witch.





oops

I almost spit coffee on my screen over that one!

The ultimate! That is really industrial strength bullcrap. I can't believe I wrote that...or maybe I can.

Hi, Revera. I tried all that and am set up correctly, but still receiving no email notifications. Any other ideas?

It isn't going into your spam email folder, is it?

No, SMB. I checked that including on the mail server, itself. But finally, this morning I did get my email from the office with the URL's of all the inventories needed to fill out before our first telephone consult with Dr. Harley on Thursday. I have my work cut out now with all of those today plus the regular chores here, so I cannot spend a lot of time in the forum area.

I apologize to all here who have posted to me whose posts I have not responded to. I have been coming back and trying to catch up on them. Everyone is appreciated, even those who consider me the most disingenuous and evil [censored] who ever walked the earth. In my behavior in our marriage, the truth there is obvious.

BTW, can you or anyone advise me on whether the NC letter should be handwritten? I think a word or text file would probably be best, and I do want to post it here for comment when it is ready. With all the inventories to do, it could be Friday before I have it.

I am so excited the two of you are working on getting ready for your phone appt with the Harleys!!!

For me personally, I would rather my H wrote a NC letter on a computer. Handwritten is too personal. That's just me.

IMO, What I highlighted is the most important thing to remember! It's about what your wife would prefer.
Just like FF said what SHE NEEDED her H do for her.
So ask your wife how she would like to see the NC Letter, and then meet that request.

FWIW, my NC letter was hand written.
But I completely get what FF needed from her H.

Thank you, both of you.

BTW, Sad is as a low point, and because she posted her thread on a less active part of the forum than mine here in general discussion, there have been only a few posts on her thread in recent days according to her. Just thought I'd mention it. It has been really rough the last 24 hours, especially for her.

I am sorry I did not respond to you earlier, Z. I was re-reading through this thread and found your post here. I don't know if I am a narcissist or just a big egotistical jerk, but I know I have a serious problem that has been most manifest in my marriage, more so than other areas. So, I am curious, especially with your encouraging words. What is "DBT"?

I am sorry. I am going back over this thread and catching up. Her screen name is SadSoSad.

As promised, I am posting two draft versions for comments of an NC letter to be mailed to OW, . We would be grateful for any input on these Which is better? Anything to avoid?

Version 1:

OW,

For six years, I carried out a relationship with you that was a cruel indulgence, disrespectful and massively damaging to my wife and marriage, all for the purpose of satisfying my own immediate and craven needs. The problems in my marriage were entirely of my doing from day one. W is the most innately kind, intelligent, loyal, honest, and warm person I have ever known. The problems that had been present in our marriage were her appropriate reaction to my controlling and demanding behavior, and when the time came to retire, instead of facing my own demons and living up to my responsibilities to care for her and protect her and re-build our marriage, I debased myself further and indulged my worst instincts. What I have done is beyond cruel, and I must face my responsibility to my dear wife and to my sons to repair the damage as much as possible and to make myself a better human being and a loving, trustworthy, and protective husband. I have undertaken a long project of counseling, extremely hard work, and years of study and practice to do exactly that, and I am determined.

To do this, I must never see, speak, write, or have any contact with you again for as long as I live. It is what I want and what I must do, so I am asking you to respect that and not try to make any further contact with me. You must not hold any illusions of ever having contact with me again. If I should ever see you in a public place, I will walk away and not speak with you.


Version 2:

OW,

This is my last communication with you. I am writing to tell you that I
will accept no phone calls, no emails, no contact whatsoever with you.
This is the way I want it to be and the way it will be.

I have done a grave disservice to my family. I treated my wife with
demands and disrespect from day one in our marriage. Her inevitable anger was exploited by me for my own use. I created my own situation that allowed me to contact and have a relationship with you. In the fog of my deceit I did not recognize that this was so very wrong. I did not recognize that we were neither compatable nor were we ever actually close. We had only this in common - we wanted sex and you wanted my money. I paid you for sex. You charged me for sex. After leaving my wife as I did, I created a little wonderland where I could be free of responsibility and havesex. That is all this ever was.

I love my family. I love my wife. She is willing after all of this
horror to work on our relationship and allow me the opportunity to
become the husband I want to be. I am working as hard on this as I have
ever worked on anything, and the grief is almost insurmountable for both of
us. I cannot continue to progress when every now and again you pop back
up in some form. I want this to stop. I will not even listen to any voice mail you may leave. Do not confront me face-to-face, as I will turn and walk away. I am done. Please respect this. Please respect my work to create the home for my wife that she deserves. In addition, the IM's, photos, and emails you have saved were saved with the purpose of keeping me with you when I wanted to go home. I have communicated with everyone I work with and my two boys, so that they know all about it. It will serve no purpose to send them, because no one will care. I took matters into my own hands and pre-empted you to protect my family as I should have been doing all along.

GM, all the stuff about your marriage needs to come out. Your marriage is SACRED and is none of that skanky ho's business.

The only thing that should be in there about your wife is the fact that this sleazy affair was cruel indulgence and profoundly disrespectful to your wife.

I would remove all these details and keep it as simple and straightfoward as possible. For example, you don't have to tell her you will "walk off" if she approaches you; simply tell her you will take out a RO against her if she contacts you.

ETA: I would not say HOW you plan to avoid her, but add that if she contacts you again that you will be contacting the authorities to have a restraining order sworn out against her.


I would take all this out too. Too much detail.

Excellent, Melody. That is exactly the kind of input I need.

By the way, the last part, Melody, is something we already did. We contacted an attorney, and he called her and told her that, already. That was back in November. She has already tried to violate that in a very sneaky way that cannot be proven legally. What a mess I have created.

As for the stuff about the IM's, I put this in, because she has already threatened me with them, which was why we had to contact the sheriff and an attorney and why I need to do a formal NC letter despite what the attorney already told her on the phone. Her continued attempts to get around it are why I am writing a formal NC letter now...that plus the recommendations from everyone on this forum.

In fact, OW kept bring up the IM's she had kept during the months before discovery. She sensed that I wanted out of it (though I was too much of a coward to end it myself and tell my wife), and she was periodically mentioning to me about the IMs and photos she saved as a kind of veiled threat from last spring on through the summer. I have felt like a trapped rat on a sinking ship for quite some time. This is one reason that it has been fairly easy for me to not look back and not have any real withdrawal from that POS. The other is because discovery and intense emotional pain apparently jolted me out of a 26 year emotional coma and re-discovered the deep feelings I had for my wife. I have since turned into kind of a bowl of jelly, weeping easily at things, often unexpectedly. Lots of suppressed feelings over 26 years. It is amazing what people can do to themselves.