I'm trying really hard not to.

What I am trying to get at is that I believe my FWW only moderately buys into the "feelings follow actions" concept. I suspect that if she does not see relatively quick results from changing her actions, she will give up.

I do not consider them wasted. I accomplished much in those three years.

ok, so you have conditions? Was committing to the marriage one of them? Or is this another, "lets go along and see how Margie FEELS before she makes a committment?" Another cart before the horse deal, in other words.

So, is she busy looking for another traveling job?

The first clause in this sentence makes me laugh. She has not read many of my posts, has she? The second clause I agree with, heartily. How else do they, the tiny few of them that do, learn anything?

rpynne,

I think the only one this thread that might be marriage at all costs is you. Why are you marrriage at all costs?

What has your W said or done that makes you think this situation is really any different?

I mean you discuss divorce and she all of a sudden quits her job and comes home??? Doesn't that picture bother you? It would me.

It means she doesn't need or want you for any particular reason other than divorce would somehow be "inconvenient" to her.

There are things going on that you are not tell us. What are they?

God Bless,

JL

No.


Perhaps. I don't know.

All I know is that I told her I wasn't doing this anymore, that I was done. A week later she tells me she doesn't want that, that she is quiting her job and she wants us to work on things. Outwardly, I said great. Inwardly I thought, "yeah right." So I continue on, doing what I have to do, and then she comes home. Outwardly, I said great. Inwardly I thought, "well it won't be long until the other shoe drops". Its been 3 weeks, no emergency trips back to TX, no meetings, she's been going to IC and been trying to engage on marital stuff, etc. I've been sitting there doing nothing, cause I'm waiting to get burned again. So I'm asking what do I do now?


Nope. Says she wants to work things out before she looks for another job.

I think you were different when she posted here before.

Another traveling job?


But you are doing this again. You are not done. If you were done you wouldn't be here asking "what do I do now?"

rprynne, are you taking any of the following:

1. hoochie weed

2. anti- depressants

3. mind altering narcotics

I'm not. Unfortunately, I am loyal and do not like to go back on my vows.


Like I said, she quit her job.


Yes, it bothers the crud out of me. I think it sucks that my wife came home because I was going to leave her.


Nothing that I can think of. If you tell me what you are thinking I can try to answer.

No.


I understand your point, but do not view it the same way.

I'll be more direct. What would you propose I do? Kick her out? Go ahead and file for divorce?


Nope, unfortunately, I am naturally this way.

rpynne,

Going back to your original post.

""As of the first of the year, my FWW quit her job and moved back home""

So, she has been living with you for the past 2 weeks? Sleeping in the same bed or in the guest room? Are you two like "picking up where you left off"? or like you just took in a border and you are getting to know her?

Like someone asked, What was the deciding factor that made her come home? The "divorce" motive? And how was this going to cause her grief?

Could it be she is looking forward at her own mortality and picking the best avenue to experience it?

""I guess I am torn between rolling up my sleeves and pro-actively trying to see if things can work out, or just sitting back and see what happens.""

Elsewhere in this thread you were asked from 1-10 how much do you want the marriage to work and you indicated 10.

So if it is 10 then I guess its the rolling up the sleeves and doing the pro-active working it out thingy.

I am reminded of something I read here lately.

The broken hearted husband really wanted to hurt his WW as payback so asked the forum what he could do and someone told him...

"treat her like a queen, like you adore and love her so much that it hurts. Tell her how much you love and like and respect her over and over again and back it up with actions etc, etc. AND THEN AFTER A MONTH OF THIS DUMP HER HARD!!""

Well the guy thought this was a good idea, so he started doing the greatest Plan A Dr Harley could ever imagine.

At the end of the month, he was asked if he dumped her and what her reaction was, and he said.......

DUMP HER!!?? SHE HAS TURNED INTO THE MOST LOVING, TENDER, SENSUAL, HAPPY, FUN LOVING WIFE A GUY COULD EVER ASK FOR!! I'LL NEVER DUMP HER.

So, my brother, if you want the marriage to work, I guess you have to work on it rather than "just sitting back and see what happens"

I think if you are going to do it, put all you can into it. If she bails again, then you have done all you can and you move on.

You did say if she bailed again, you would not be devastated, right?

IMHO

kirk

rprynne,

While I like krusht's revenge idea, I think you need to tell us what she has done to make you think it is different this time? I would like to hear what HER plan is for recovering this marriage. I would also like see where you fit into her recovery plan.

As John Madden says
She has basically been gone for almost 4 years. I am sure most of it was spent with an OM or two or... So why is she back? Why does she say she is back, what makes her want now, what she could clearly do without, for 4 years with or without an OM in the picture? I presume you know the answer to these questions and thus have simply not told us.

If you don't know the answer to these questions, what are you doing even thinking about recovery? No one is telling you to be mean to her, or ignore her, but YOU asked should you work on it?

I ask "work on what?" You don't know where the fire is, so it seems to me it is a little premature to roll out the hose. It is clear whatever you offered before was not valued, offering it again is likely to lead to the same result, UNLESS AND UNTIL you know what her plans are and where she might need your help.

She has to change but so do you, but there is no need for you to change if she does not tell you what she needs to fit in her plans.

You mentioned you felt she finally realizes her plans were not going to work. Do you mean that her plan was to dump you for her job and OM? Do you mean her plan was to spend as little time with you as possible? What makes you think any plans she has now are not derivatives of her previsous plan?

I want to hear the answer to these questions. You need to know the answer to these questions. Your question of "should you work on the marriage" is way out of order right now. And will be until you know her plans and where you fit.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Just quiting her job means nothing, as she plans to look for a new one in the future. You don't know what kind of job she will be looking for, further you don't know that all of this is simply to placate you so she can go back into the same kind of work and life.

Picking up where we left off. She sleeps in the same bed.


The divorce wouldn't cause her grief. The divorce motive just let her know she had run out of time. I don't think their was a single factor. First off, most things changed when she finally ended contact with OM. It had really gotten to the point where they just talked on the phone and I don't know who, but one of them ended that. (This was without my knowledge, as she confessed to this about six months ago)

Shortly after that, her sister moved to where she was. She moved in with her sister. Her sister is married and her husband is not a great guy. Also pretty sure that her sister's husband had an A. They would talk a lot. I don't know. I think hours upon hours of hearing about her sister's situation, somewhere a light bulb went off.


To clarify I said a 10 for how much I want to attempt recovery. I don't know how to rank how much I want the M.


Yeah.

What? You want to attempt recovery but you don't know how much you want the M?

rprynne,

""To clarify I said a 10 for how much I want to attempt recovery. I don't know how to rank how much I want the M.""

TO CLARIFY??

Uhhmmmm....what?

kirk

I do not. I also do not really ask. When the subject has come up, her answer is that she wants to do the right thing. I realize this is an inadequate answer for most, but I have no real desire to pursue it further.


Certainly, at one time. But no, this is not what I mean. In short, her plan was a M on her terms.

JL - I understand your point about plans or recovery and what not. But I would say, to answer those questions, it is going to require me to engage in things. That is something I have thus far been unwilling to do, so...

Sorry. Guess I just have a different perspective on things.

I can not accurately rate how much I want a M, that I have not either experienced or can reasonably predict the experience. All I can rate is how much I would like to experience it.

Am I wrong? You can't rate how much you like driving a Ferrari unless you have driven one. But you can say I would love to drive one.

Have you considered changing that?

just kidding!


YES!

In the interests of clarification......

Did you say that your wife WOULD attend a MB weekend but you WOULDN'T?

Did you say that your wife has been reading some MB material and printed out the questionaires?

Did you say you want to attempt recovery but don't know if you want the marriage?

And to top it all off, you can't see that your wife wants to try and recover even if she did only come home to avoid you divorcing her (which for some reason you see as a bad thing)

If you really think that you WANT to attempt recovery MB starting with a MB weekend prbably gives you the best shot at it.

It's your call rprynne - I'd be already divorced by now.....