Ahead,

Unfortunately, the BS usually must carry most of the load for the first few months of recovery. Hence, we often see the BS start to show real anger about the 6 month point when they feel they can put the load down.

You are on the rollercoaster and the "honeymoon" period seems to be ending, this is normal.

Your W is not even really interested in your feelings right now. Hopefully as her WD goes away she will in fact care somewhat about your feelings.

We'll see. Just remember you are on the rollercoaster so keep your safety strap buckled.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

I guess I picked my screen name perfectly. You say that usually happens at the six month mark. We're just about at three months.

Guess I really am ahead of the curve. <G>

I just had to vent. We now return to our regular programming, which is already in progress.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

There was something else I forgot to mention about the talk we had last night. When the A started, the OM was living with someone, which makes my WW a OW of sorts. That's like piling on. And she's surprised somehow that he basically threw in the towel when she confessed and exposed the A to me. And she's surprised that he probably had something else going on the side after he ditched the GF. The word denial comes to mind.

I also think I've figured our something else about why I've been so insulted by what's happened.

Yeah, the A is bad enough, but it's who she chose. I can't see this guy having a whole lot going for him.

If he was telling the truth about his marital status, we're talking about a guy who's reduced to living in a camper trailer on the front lawn of his ex-wife because he can't afford rent on an apartment. OOOH, but he has a motorcycle. And when they went out of town to one of the state's top tourist destinations, he couldn't find the cool touristy stuff despite brochures in every motel and gas station within 50 miles, signs and billboards everywhere, and markers almost amounting to neon signs saying "Here's the Good Stuff." Dear Sweet Lord.

And if he was lying, he was using the trailer in his front yard to cheat on his wife. My WW knows that this is a distinct possibility.

And just the same, she's going through withdrawal, pining for this piece of pond scum. This is a woman who is the best I've ever seen at seeing through people, spotting the B.S. artists and calling 'em on it. How could she not see this one a mile away?

I'm dumbfounded by this whole thing. That is one of the sources of my anger. Couldn't she have done better????!!! That's like an extra kick in the crotch.

Arghhhhhh!

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

Aheadofcurve,

I think you still are ahead of the curve and what you are thinking/feeling is pretty normal.

Maybe vets can chime in here, but in my case, as withdrawal occurred, my H was able to see many, many inperfections with his A partner that came as a surprise to him. These included previous As disclosed to me by her H, her manipulation of FWH as he was first into the EA portion of the A, Ow's selfishness in ignoring her family, etc. etc. I figured the more of these he was able to recognize, the better. It made withdrawal easier as it went along. Months later he is totally disgusted with himself, but it definitely was not that way early on after D-day.

It is pretty common for WSs to "affair down", chosing someone that is less educated, lower on the economic scale, character deficient, etc. There are a couple of pretty good threads on here about this topic. Certainly was true in my case. The OW was/is no prize.

In any case, I think you are still on track. Stay calm and hang on. The ride is not near over. Best wishes to you.

AM

armymama:

I think I'm ahead of the curve in a way that's not so good. I have officially passed into the next stage of the BH mindset. Extreme anger and resentment.

I wanted to know things in the heart-to-heart talk. I found 'em out all right. It's not the details that are bothering me the most however. What's fueling things is the way she spoke of them.

Yes, I know she's not even one month since NC and she's going through withdrawal. It was her overall lack of remorse that bothers me. Yes, she said she wishes she had never started it, but when I asked her what she thought about the whole thing, she called it "an experience."

An "experience!!!!" That really got to me, though on a delayed reaction. That phrase right there has me so geeked out that I'm ready to walk. I feel right now like -- how dare she feel pain for breaking things off??? She's the one that caused the whole problem in the first place!!! I am tied up in knots, and she doesn't want to hear about it because "I can't deal with my pain and yours at the same time."

That is so galling to me. Now I know this stuff follows a natural progression. Every single book I've read or skimmed has described what we've gone through and my emotions almost to a "T." Intellectually, I know that this too shall pass. But the intensity of my anger is a little scary.

I'm an intense guy to begin with. Any time I take up an interest, or get involved with something important, I give it 110%. In fact, during the talk, when I mentioned that this is a new me, that I'm fixing the things that were wrong, that even I could see that I had issues, she told me she was having problems coping with that fact.

In the past, I put all of my focus on my job. I'm in a cut-throat type profession, one that takes a lot of time and passion in which to succeed. I spent a lot of time at work, and she said she'd adapted to it over 20 years. Now that I'm taking longer dinner breaks and going to work later in an effort to re-focus on what's important, she feels like I'm shadowing her. Our oldest is living with us right now as he looks for a full-time job, and so she says she has no alone time.

I can understand that, but I've had my fill of alone time. I've had more alone time than I've ever wanted. I bit my tongue the other night and didn't tell her that a lot of my alone time didn't qualify as alone time for her, since that's when she was banging the OM. You have no idea how badly I wanted to say that to her. I was proud of my restraint.

I feel like she's not doing a damned thing to fix what's wrong. I'm tired of doing all the heavy lifting while she feels sorry for herself. "What do you miss about him?" First answer was "his eyes." I'd like to poke 'em out and go from there. Won't do it of course, but a guy can dream.

FYI, she has done nothing to violate NC, or even act like she's contemplating it. Her actions say she's totally committed to making it work. Using the stick when the carrot is working would be wrong and counterproductive. I know this.

Last night, all this got to me, so I did what I've been doing and wrote a letter to her not intended to be read by her. I figured, let the bile out and I'll feel better. I was shocked when it hit the fifth page.

About the only good thing right now is that my appetite has disappeared once again. So far I've lost 25 pounds. I've been needing to lose weight anyway, and I've been good about taking vitamins and going to the gym to lift weights as part of my rehab from joint replacement surgery. I actually look better now than I have in years, and I'm back up to where I was lifting-wise before all the medical problems hit last year. I'm starting to look just a little bit cut, so I can't complain about that.

My emotions are perhaps a little bit over the top right now. Then again, maybe they're perfectly appropriate. What I need right now is advice on how to handle it and not screw things up.

I will say, anti-depressants are not an option. I am not suffering from CD. CD comes from feeling depressed for no reason. I have plenty of reason to feel like crap, and I'm not going to cloud my mind. I likely would have been diagnosed with ADD if I were growing up right now, and I taught myself how to concentrate on things. I can learn this one now, as well. I will not allow my mind to be clouded by drugs.

Okay, other than that -- what do I do to weather this storm???

Advice eagerly sought. You have no idea how eagerly. Or maybe you do. Arrrrgh.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09


A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

I think your WW's post affair response is not just her missing the OM. It's also her having to see that she was just used and dumped by the OM.

My WH was at about the same age as your W when he began his A. He claims that when he was on his motorcycle, he felt free, free from all responsibilities. He felt like someone else.
This is WS's 'Fantasy Island'. I hated that show when it was on and I hate my own new meaning of it even more.

Just a thought, but your WW was maybe not attracted to him for any other reason than the thrill of the ride (on the bike), or a completely different lifestyle than she was in.
If the OM had been successful, dressed in a well tailored suit and had a high end condo, I don't think this would have made you feel better. You know you are a much better catch than he. You sound like a grounded and safe person. You are miles ahead of him.

My WH's OW was attractive and well kept. In my situation, this is a hurdle.
It shouldn't be b/c I know that I am attractive and well kept also, but it is one more nasty issue to deal with.

Take care

Aheadofcurve,

I could have written your exact post a few months ago. Subtitute the word "relationship" for "experience" and it would have fit to a T. Just a couple days ago, H used the word "relationship" instead of A and I jumped on him for it.

I also decided to go without the anti-depressants, even though my medical doc and ICs kept asking. I journaled my bad feelings, lost 26 pounds on the infidelity diet, asked and had answered all kinds of details, obsessively reconstructed the entire A from cell phone records, emails, letters between H and OW. All this was a two-edged sword. Even though I needed to know because my imagination was ever so much worse, knowing the details made me angry and it took time to process them all and be put them in their place in our M history - kind of like ripping a scab over and over until there is a scar and not an open bleeding wound.

D-day plus 9 and 1/2 months, even though there are still huge "bumps in the road", recovery is ongoing and I am hopeful that our marriage will get better and better. I wish the same for you.

AM

The first few months after D-Day, I had a mission. Snoop to find out what is the extent of this A, who is this OP, plant spy techniques, find out how to fix things in the M, in my H and in myself. This takes a whole lot of energy and focus as you are well aware.

Then after all the physical leg work was done, my mind had the time to really reflect as to what was going on. Enter the stage of anger and resentment you mention.
As you read on this forum, these are normal feelings for this situation.

You are acknowledging what you are feeling and this is good. Accept that it is OK to feel like this under these circumstances. It is hard but try to keep your head level, your WW needs to see you are still in control of yourself.

Breathe and breathe again.

I read your posts and understand your pain and where you are going.
Your WW will babble, babble and babble some more. Don't take it to heart, ignore it. Don't let her ridiculous words eat you up. This is hard to do, but it is not impossible.

Take care

Hi Ahead,

Is it possible that part of your pain (in addition to her lack of remorse from WD and choice to 'affair down') is because you are used to being in control...and she took control (and blindsided you) when she accelerated your carefully thought-out-timeline for your heart to heart talk?

You. Lost. Control.

Just a thought.

Possible solution:

Realize that you/she can only control your individual selves. The rollercoaster automatically takes all control out of your hands. You're human. You may be ahead of the human curve in that your anger has arrived prematurely, but you're doing great overall.

How you respond to being unable to control her will probably determine whether the infidelity rollercoaster curves will send you into a tailspin or if you'll be able to remain even keel.

Ace

Ace:

It's not a control issue. As a matter of fact, I'd been dying to get it over with. The date and time was selected for HER benefit. She chose the new time on a whim, and because of it got just three hours of sleep for work.

And then she blamed me for her being tired, saying that's all I ever want to talk about. Wha-hunh???

I gave up control of things nearly 24 years ago when I said "I do." And I was good with that. It's when she said "I did it" nearly three months ago that things got a little weird.

I could give a crap about being in control. Except, maybe, could she, like, control HERSELF just a little bit? Then we wouldn't be in this fix.

I'm doing my best not to let my anger take control. Just got back from the gym, and let me tell you, getting that 36th rep done on the shoulder press does wonders for burning off anger and resentment.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09


A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

Well, I just got off the phone with the OMW. And it is OMW, not XW.

The hornet's nest has been disturbed, the light is shining on things, and the roaches will be scuttling for cover.

And I feel sick to my stomach.

This is going to get ugly.

I have to work, so I can't post any more, but the next few days will be very interesting. Interesting in the Chinese Curse sense.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it. Wish the OMW luck, too. She may need it more than I do.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09


A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

Ah, the lies keep unraveling.

Your wife is aware, I assume, that OM IS married? If she's been in WD for a month already, I'd say she ought to be showing signs of coming out of it soon, although this will surely make her feel even worse in the short term. Can you imagine how STUPID and FOOLISH she's feeling? After she gets past WD, your Plan A efforts will start yielding some results and recovery can begin, so hold on some more.

Just a thought--I remember the blood-red anger and the funky purple resentment of the early months after D-Day. Even though my FWH never expressed remorse the way I wanted to hear it (and many never do), his behavior has won my heart back. So, try not to focus on the remorse thing. It's what she does once she's past WD that really matters.

I, too, must commend you on the awesome way you have conducted yourself throughout. You are an amazing man.

This is why you can't believe what a WW says during an affair.
Even if she wasn't lying. Whether she believed the the OM when he told her he was divorced or she wanted to believe the OM.

How can anyone believe anyone that will say and do anything to get a married woman into bed. You know better. Unfortunately WW's don't.

RHW:

She has no idea that he's still married. I told her that was a distinct possibility after the divorce records failed to turn up at the courthouse. In fact, she wants to know his status. When I broached to her the possibility that he was still married, she visibly blanched. That idea shocked her and almost made her physically ill. Conclusion: she got played, bigtime.

But I'm not going to tell her just yet. She has to work early early early in the morning each of the next three days, and I work second shift, so if I tell her during the week, she'll wind up going to work on three hours sleep again. She's been fighting a cold for the past three weeks, and I don't want her getting sicker.

I'm going to wait until Saturday if I can, unless my hand is forced from the other side of things. The OMW is gathering evidence right now, including a spreadsheet I sent her of all cell phone calls from the WW phone, as well as text message times from January 21 on. (The phone company has five months missing, including some key months, and haven't been able to get them to me despite two solid months of requests. I wasn't very nice to them today when I called.)

When I talked to the OMW, she knew who my WW was, and even knew about things that happened to our kids over the past year and a half. That POS OM has been playing it coy, showing her text messages and conducting conversations with the WW in front of the OMW, dismissing it as coming from a woman on CD meds who is obsessed with him. Sneaky, sneaky. Purloined letter, anyone?

He's claimed I called him to ask what was going on, and the OMW asked if I'd ever had him work on her car. All of those are total fabrications.

He's not aware that I saw a couple of key texts from him that were sent after d-day that put the lie to all that. I don't have a copy, but I can quote from 'em. And the WW's best friend, who told her she was being an idiot, can and will back up the WW's version of events.

He has a profile on one of the dating websites that at least two of the WW's friends saw, and the WW knows the name of the putative GF the OM was living with in Spring of '07. I'll have to get that from her ASAP.

I can see how this is going to play out. The OM is a serial cheater and knows all the moves. He knows how to spin, and how to dodge. Only problem is he's going against me. Bad move. Re-e-e-e-ely bad move. I am extremely prominent in my community and have great credibility. In fact, the OMW knew who I was before I called, and I have a feeling she's going to buy what I have over his spin.

My main worry right now is the WW. He's going to go after her with everything he's got. I have her back, and I will do what I must to protect her. Yeah, she messed up -- oh brother did she mess up -- but she's still the mother of my children, and anything she's spun to me so far has been to "spare my feelings." And I'll buy that as an explanation. She's still in WD and I'm going to cut her some slack. Not a lot, but some.

When I was about four years old, I was sitting on the floor near an electrical outlet. I have no idea why, but I took the corner of the flannel shirt I was wearing and stuck it in the socket, with predictable results. My mother was standing right there and saw the whole thing. She looked at me and laughed and laughed, saying "What did you expect?"

That's how the WW will feel when I tell her, and I'm worried about what her reaction will be. I worry about her state of mind and, as I said earlier, I will do everything I can to protect her from this POS and his likely reaction and predictable smears.

What she did is between us, and we will work it out -- between us. I will protect her from him. And I will do my best to help the OMW. She, too, is an innocent party in all this mess.

Should be a lively weekend. Wish me luck.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

I think your wife's shocked, "deer in the headlights look" may be more from knowing you are looking into OM's marital status and will be contacting OMW soon.

Don't tell your WW anything about contacting OMW. OM will be calling her soon for damage control and her head will explode soon enough. Do NOT tip your hand! Sit back and observe.

What are you protecting WW from? You sound like you think WW is a victim here and the big bad boogey OM tricked her. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. You have refused to expose to family and now you are protecting her. I think you are in your own fog and being played here. You underestimate just how warped a WS can be. WW isn't spinning anything to spare your feeling...well maybe 2% but the rest is to cover her butt.

Proceed with caution AOTC.

Black Raven:

You have this one wrong. I met this POS twice before anything ever started, about two years ago. He told me about how rough his divorce was, how tough it was on his kids, etc. He's an accomplished liar. I didn't even think to check his status until last week. I apologized to the OMW about that today when I called her.

Her best friend was spun the same story. She told my WW that he was a jerk and it didn't pass the smell test, but by that time she was in her fog and wouldn't listen. Her friend helped me so much after d-day. Without her, the M would have already done a swirly.

And he ain't ABOUT to call her. Trust me on that one. WW is Irish and Italian, and she'd blister his hide like no one ever has before. And I'd bet dollars to donuts she'd tell me, not just because she knows I'm monitoring the cell phone bill, but because she's so angry at him about the marital status thing. She's the best B.S. detector I've ever met. We used to joke that if she wasn't just five-foot-nothing, she'd be a great cop. I think the B.S. detector is back in working order.

I'm not going to expose to our kids, especially our youngest, because I worry about HIS reaction. It wouldn't be pretty. He probably would never speak to his mother again, but I worry more about his instinct to go after the OM. He's about the same size as that POS, and he's a weightlifter, but the OM is ex-military.

Besides, exposure to the family would do no good. The A is dead and over. He's been trying to separate after d-day, because he knows that the consequences of doing anything else will be catastrophic for him. His wife makes three times as much money as he does. He's toast. And I want to help push the lever on the toaster. Nothing else could give me greater pleasure.

Yeah, my WW did something horrible. But you know what? She got played by an expert. She wasn't prepared for anything like this. We'll have our own day of reckoning, I assure you. But I won't have her harmed by this POS. Not gonna happen. Any emotional bruises will be applied by Yours Truly, not him. He's pond scum.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

lol okay AOTC. We will see.



How is POSOM going to harm her?

Sounds exactly like my OM. A wayward could care less if the OP is married too. Sure, they may feel some guilt about it but it will not stop them. Even the knowledge of not being the only one doesnt matter.

Dont try to protect them, they did it to themselves.

Hmm. I agree with Ace here.

Know this: Your reactions and your wife's are not special or unique - they are typical.

You think you're angry now? Wait for a few months.

You will also come to the realisation that your wife was not some hapless pawn in this affair who was tricked and trapped by OM. But unleashing your anger on him for now is productive.

It's actually incredibly foggy in here!