Hi, ST.

Like you, I'm rather new here, having confessed the end of October. Good days and bad days... Muddling through by the grace of God and support from my H, my family, friends, and MB.

Listen to what the folks say here. They are amazing.

Just wanted to lend my support. Good luck.

L4

ST,

I see your BH is taking the steps to inform OMW...kudos to both of you. These actions, though required for your boundary of O&H, are still brave in my book. Feeling the discomfort, the fear and acting anyway. That's what was missing before. Taking your resentment and not speaking of it; your BH feeling fear and not speaking of it.

In the sharing, you learn to repeatedly act from love. Which is the basis for a thriving marriage and life. I promise.

Thank you both very much for considering my posts. All communication is half and half...so I really appreciate hearing your half.

Please do not act on your feelings...your feelings of love for your BH didn't keep you from making terrible choicees...feelings do not keep us from lying, harming or wrecking what we love most. See, feelings follow actions...please communicate your choice to love BH, which is the truth, and act from love, so you have loving feelings result.

Up to you to maintain those...to be aware of your love bank...and to not thwart it with deception, including resentment, lack of respect. Same for him and his AO's...and he chose to recover the marriage, even when he doesn't feel like it, when his fear nearly chokes him...honor that by mirroring those actions in yourself. Your feelings are signals...they have information to you about your beliefs. We have a lot of twisted beliefs accumulated from years of living. Many are contradictory. Explore your beliefs allowed and you truly will feel differently...and I believe his choice to work towards forgiveness of you for the unforgivable is what breaks through the remaining fog.

Nothing you could or can do earns that. He chose. Period. It's stunning to be loved, anyway.

Thank you for supporting BH in acting from honesty...do not let out details of your A over time...have a sit-down and come clean of it all, all at once. Really study yourself and see what you did for so many months--what the false payoffs were...for knowing yourself, your patterns, is how you find real redemption; sharing it is bravery and trueness...in face of the habit of deception and fantasy.

You know your BH doesn't speak of his pain...and he will now, in tiny steps...up to you to know and believe this is incredibly painful to him...and will take him months into years to really get to know how much, where and why he hurts...make a pact to share, to know and understand. Not as punishment...as truly knowing your partner.

Commit yourself to staying radically honest, even when you fear the outcome (let it go)...for you to realize he wants to know you, truly does, not his image of you--really know you...and be really known by you, is what helps collapse the final threads of the fantasy with OM. OM isn't real. Your BH really is--your real partner. Your mate. And you don't know who he is...nor he, you...today, right now...and you're probably closer to getting to know each other now than ever before.

Make that Undivided Attention (UA) time a priorty...hard to do with small children...at least one hour a night where you both sit, without other sounds or sights, and listen to each other...do communication exercise (only takes 1/2 hour) and share...your stuff and he shares his stuff (knowing it's not to be judged)...then relax and do your RC time...

You have an EN for admiration (I denied having this in me for most of my life...it's in the top five)...be okay with that. Because you have it, make sure you state when you admire and appreciate...tiny to large...state when you have those thoughts...out loud. Give yourself credit for not attacking your marriage right now...for waking up and saying "What am I doing?" enough to take on reality, begin to understand the first few inches of the destruction wreaked, though it is acres. You're not going to get the impact of all of it for a couple of years...inches at a time. Trust, even when he doesn't show it, he feels it. That's reasonable and real.

You are used to him acting out his feelings...and you, acting out your own. It's going to feel strange and weird at first to state them, not demonstrate them. May feel less loved (you don't believe it unless you see it in the way you want), less safe, more unsure or reactive...accept this for now...for true intimacy can shake you up--okay to feel different right now...KNOW you are loved, safe and honored by your BH, anyway.

Do so yourself, too. Hold to your new boundary of respect (to know his stuff separately from your own), acknowledge what you hear and hand it back, to confirm or clarify...know you are lovable and didn't deserve to do this to yourself, either. Lots of forgiveness involved...don't forgive too soon, 'k?

Doing the NC email, telling OMW, those are acts which get you used to a new way of living...truly putting your marriage first, even when you fear, feel strain/stress...know you're in it together. So you'll feel the great feelings afterward, together. You're acting for the marriage, even if you don't feel like it right now--your marriage will thrive.

Good job to you both.

LA

Dear LA

Thank you very much for the time and thought that has gone into your post. It is wonderful to think that there are strangers out there who care and want to share.

We did the whole truth thing last night ( I was told I had one chance) - I gave some slightly ambiguous detail to start with - H asked for clarification and I told the whole truth. It is a relief and knowing that I have told the truth we know that OM will find it very hard to hurt us. It was a relief to H too because he was expecting a bigger betrayal than it was.

Through the last months of the A I was trying v hard to listen to my head an not my feelings and I am so pleased that in the end I stopped it.

We have spent some time together for the first time in about 10 days ( with DS in tow) but it was wonderful - we were both so looking forward to spending time with each other and it wasn't a disappointment - did a few chores, went to the shops. We are both very aware of our behaviour and actions and that has certainly helped the day run smoothly.

Must go and share this insight with him now

Thanks again

ST

Hiya

1. Not posted on this subject for a little while. I've had a little look but I can't ind any threads where BS seems to have total trust only 8 weeks after dday. We have been working hard at recovery and apart from 1 or 2 odd days are blip free.

My BS has been a little moody in the last few days and I have been asking whether he thinks it might be because deep down he doesn't trust me and has a niggle in the back of his mind when he is working that I might be making contact. He has now worked out that it is because we have been planning a joint holiday with friends and because he doesn't deal well in those situations he doesn't actually want to do it. Which is of course fine and we've decided not do it.

But I am slightly bothered because he really isn't bothered at all about what I am up to when he is not here. I know that if he goes to work early or has a meeting when he is off rota I have lots of qs in my mind as to whether it is something else ( instinctively I know it isn't).

When I asked him last night about it he did say that if I was dishonest/ unfaithful that would be it and I know that and wouldn't.

What I want to know is why isn't he bothered about what i'm doing when he isn't here, why isn't he suspicious.

Is it really just because he knows he has no reason to?

I know he loves me - ( although he has never been one for displays of affection/ attention/admiration). But i do wish he showed some slight signs of posessiveness.

I have absolutely no intention of being wayward in anyway and I am now fully aware of boundaries and applying them. Are there any other BS out there who feel the same and don't have paranoid thoughts or triggers????




2. Talking of triggers I was taken by surprise yesterday. Went to the supermarket and OM was walking out with his wife - not sure whether they clocked me but I looked the other way and walked v quickly in a diff direction. I stood shocked in an aisle for a bit, just bothered because NC was broken - that thought just kept going round in my head and then a sense of relief washed over me because I realised that that was my only thought and that I was relieved that in the millisec I glimpsed them I had this kind of awareness that they looked good together which again was a relief I was aware that OMW seemed a lot happier than I had ever seen her ( even before the A). My H had sent her a letter to tell her about A.


I am very glad the A is over and there are several reasons that come to light every day why. I have been taking some of the advice on other threads - Dawn and brownbak. I am annoyed that it happened and embarassment but I don't attach any positive emotion/thought with the affair anymore. White vans are a trigger for me - if i see one I wonder what OM is doing and I really try to think hard about it but there isn't anything else there.

How am I doing?????

ST

Did you tell you H that you saw OM and OMW and how that affected you, and what you did?

If you told H at your very first opportunity, you're doing well.
If you waited until a convenient time, not so well.

O&H is crucial to a BS.

I phoned him straight away, after my brief processing. We discussed whether it meant anything when I came in - he was even less disturbed than I was.

ST

Please can someone comment

STs recovrey thread

OK when I first read the title of this thread I remember thinking...."why is her husband buying a tomb? Kinda creepy."

After reading it a few more times I got it.....but yes I agree....why is the violence being brushed off?

NO man has the right to EVER hit a woman unless he is defending himself. I don't care what his issues are with work or life in general.

And double whammy CHILDREN are in the house...and don't give me the crap of they were asleep or unaware.....if it happens in the home it affects them as well.

So help me if a man ever hit me especially with my child in the next room....oh he better run before I get my hands on him. It would be on like Donkey Kong. Sorry italian in me talking.

So there you have my thoughts on that.

Secondly....no matter how BAD things are at home....there is no excuse for an affair. I understand the emotions and such. BTDT. BUT you are now making amazing strides.

I hope you can learn from this experience. Take from this and use it in your decision in the future. Keep fighting the good fight because if you can survive this you can survive anything.

SIHW, did you read st's latest post on her recovery thread? She attempted contact with OM yesterday. Did you know this when you said that she is making amazing strides?

I given st a very loving, very large slap, on that thread. I'm not very experienced on MB and I don't have much confidence in what I say to others, and I don't think I carry much authority. I think st would benefit from from a few more slaps from caring, experienced people. Please help.

I realized after I posted how old...this post was...so disregard the part about doing a good job *this is why we need the edit feature back*..plus I don't haunt recovery.

Plus I am posting from my phone not a computer.....sometimes things don't load completly right....some things get cut off.