Okay, guys: My situation seems a little better (for today anyway). But, now that my H and I are having more and more of a relationship with OC (by OW), my question is - how do we explain "who he is to others?" I live in the south where everyone is nosy and there is a "code" of how to act. Like today, the OW is at work and OC has strep, so my H has to keep him for a couple of hours. He just left my office and is taking him to a customer's home to work. I know that the customer (who we have gotten to know) is going to say "and who is this little fella?" I'm so embarassed about the situation and ashamed myself and I love my H. People that are on the outside will surely think we have all lost our minds. Any thoughts?<P>------------------<BR>

I think if your husband is going to parent this child, and you - you might as well face the piper, and acknowledge the child as his child, regardless of what others think.<P>Think longer term: If that child grows up learning to "hide" the fact that the father is sometimes dad, what is that going to do to the child's self esteem? Should the child grow up to be ashamed of who he is because of the mistakes of his father? and his mother?<P>I would simply say this is my stepson. This is my son- through marriage. And everyone will know that your husband had an affair, and probably will admire your strength and courage. If they don't - their opinion doesn't count, anyway.<P>TNT

TNT: I know you are right - I know it in my gut - but it is just going to be so hard. It seems like I'm always saying that (at every stage I get to). I know it would kill the OC to have to be "something he is not" around certain people, etc. It's just that this whole situation is a nightmare and I keep thinking . . . one day I'll wake up.<P>------------------<BR>

I think I agree with TNT on this. The shame, if there is any at all, is your H's not yours. If anything responding as TNT suggested will show that you are doing well.<P>Hey TNT, How are you doing? Things getting better I hope?<P>God Bless

I agree with TNT and Empty Shell. The guilt is not yours nor is the embarassment. You are showing what kind of person you are by accepting this child. You will aways run into busybodies where ever you live. People with class will not say anthing, people who make comments usually are anyone you want to be around anyway. I think the fact that you are doing this show your strength of character, and I admire you for this. OW had an abortion in May. So I have wondered if I could accept her child. I'm not sure I could. So my hat is off to you. You are one special person.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Just stand tall with your head held high. You did nothing wrong, and you are standing by your man. You will see, once it is out in the open, it won't be as bad as you think.

SDS and PondVJ: Thanks for your input. I would have NEVER dreamed I would be in this position. I probably would have been one of those that thought - "oh my gosh, how could she take him back after he did THAT to her, and a child on top of it." I guess you never REALLY know what you would do unless you're in the shoes. I wanted the OW to have an abortion or at the very least put the child up for adoption. It was the only way I could see that we could "all" have some semblance of a normal life. So I guess I'm not that big of a person. Oh - I know you all are right and I should not be ashamed and maybe I'm not for myself, but I'm so ashamed for my H and the stupid stupid stuff he has done. Ugh - it just makes me so sick sometimes. SDS, why did the OW decide to have an abortion? Just wondering - I guess my little pessimistic mind always thinks the OW wants to keep a child to "hold onto" the OM. (although I realize that is not always the truth). I'll try (although it is gonna be so hard) to do this. But I guess - how else could we possibly explain who it is?<P>------------------<BR>

I don't know why I'm such a whiner today: Anyway - why is it men like to "start" stuff all the time. My H before he left my office said, "the last time I talked to OW I said, what are you gonna do when OC calls my wife, Mom?" I said "why did you say that?" and he said "I guess I'm mean." he said she didn't reply to that. What is up with that? It's like, to me, he's using one against the other. I don't think I like feeling like this. This situation is hard enough without instigating stuff.<P>------------------<BR>

I think TNT is right. The other issue is the child. Though the child isn't yours you are the sensible one in this relationship and there's possibly a good reason God put you in this child's life! You will be a step mom if you wish to have the relationship with your husband so you might as well say it's your step child now, shows more acceptance and the child is innocent in all of this, will need this acceptance by you. That is what's important NOW, not what other people think! Good luck and God's Blessing's on all of you!

Well I'm not really sure. I must admit that I was surprised when I found out. I found out after the abortion. From what I know about the OW is she already has three children that she left with her husband. She not a really good mother(this from my H) She doesn't want to be tied down. She has a lot of all day sickness. First she told my H it was up to him, then she told him she need money to have the abortion. Remember this OW is famous in the area for her sexual encounters with any male with in the sound of her voice. If my H wasn't so far gone in fantasy land this should have caused him to have serious doubts about her. Abortions goes against everything he has always believed in. I still live in fear that she might get pregnant again and use it to hold on to him, plus they don't have the money for the abortion (he borrowed it from his parents last time and they are Catholic need I say more) I think she realizes she has got something good going with my H. He is a very kind generous gentle man not like anyone she has ever been around. But I think she is a sex addict and self destructive. He implied to his sister that he wanted to get married (can't I won't file for divorce) but he made it sound like she doesn't. And I'm sure she doesn't. So why did she have an abortion because she is self centered, shelfish person who doesn't really care about anyone but herself and a baby would be the last thing she would want. It would ruin her life style. My opinion. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

DD - this one touched a nerve. And made me cry a little. You are such a wonderful woman for the choices you have made so far. I agree with TNT, you can't dance around it.<P>I, too, am from a very small town in the south and I know what problems that will cause if all my ifs ever start happening. (You don't have to understand that -LOL-I'm a little nuts today). <P>But in acknowledging him, you show you are proud of who you are. And teaching that little one a great lesson, too. He's still a miracle and an innocent here. He should never be ashamed of who he is. What a wonderful role model for him you are going to be!!!!<P>Lori

Lori - how sweet of you and how you made my day. I hope that is the case - that I can be a good role model. I hope I won't be the brunt of a lot of cruel remarks when all this "hits the fan". I think I've posted to you before - I'll have to read your bio (to refersh me of your situation). I may appear brave - however - this is somehting I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.<P>------------------<BR>

Daycare,<BR>I can relate to your concerns in telling other people. I always worry too much about what other people think. I am working on getting over that issue but it is easier said than done.<P>We have not told many people yet. I am ready to tell a few other people but my H hasn't gotten there yet. Actually, I have told a few close friends so that I would have some people to confide in, but my H has not told anyone other than a mutual friend who pretty much forced it out of him. And he has not even wanted her to tell her H. I believe he is very afraid of what others will think of him and is ashamed of what he did. I have told him that we can't have the OC be a part of our lives and NOT tell close friends and family. <P>Please know that you are not alone!<BR>-Audrey<p>[This message has been edited by Audrey (edited October 19, 1999).]

An Interesting Note to this Guys: My H to OC with him while he worked yesterday (to babysit) and the customer was home (he is a landscaper). The customer of course asked who it was and he said "Oh, just babysitting for a friend". Is that not interesting. Am I gonna be the one that has to "tell" everyone?<P>------------------<BR>

Hi DD: You're a much better person than I am and I am humbled by your grace and generosity. You must be one of the most kindest. This is one nightmare we will never wake up from because the OC exists and will be a part of your life as long as you stay with your H. Even though we will never see the OC in our particular case, it will be a part of my life forever, also. Even if I left my H, this is something that will always be a part of me now as I have changed so much.<BR>I never dreamed in a million years I would be in this position either. My H had so much character and integrity (I thought) and he used to go on and on about when a man cheats on his wife, he can't be trusted in business or in any other facet in life. I also believed this would never happen to me because we were so close, so connected and so in love and involved. Wrong again. I would think "How can that woman stay with a man that would do something like this, cheat on her...and then...a freaking baby to boot." I would think this woman is so insecure, so needy, so wimpy, no self-worth, no dignity. I would set aside the intricacies of the marriage and the involvement in the marriage and look at it as black or white...no grey area. I am here to tell you, I may have become insecure,needy, wimpy and wonder where my dignity is when I think about it long enough, however, I was none of these things before this happened. I was confident, happy, self-assured and generous. You are still generous and you have a huge heart. You are blessed.<BR>The truth is is that I just am so in love with my H and our many, many years together were so wonderful til two years ago, I can't give it up without a fight. And I want to win.<BR>Don't feel guilty about wanting the OW to have an abortion...I did too and I used to be an advocate of the Pro-Life movement. I am also a hypocrite. I am angered beyond words that the OW did NOT put the child up for adoption because it messes up my life further and the child's life as well because there will be no relationship, in part because of distance and complications all around.<BR>And as far as telling people about this; it's none of their business and you of all people should feel no shame. You did NOT do this. I do understand your embarrassment because I am embarrassed too. I am embarrassed that my H made such a fool out of himself and that friends and family and business associates who do know are probably laughing at him for being such a boob and laughing at me for staying with him. It's a weird situation they have put us in; it's a nightmare they are putting us through. I am suspicious of the OW motives as well and hate her for setting me up for twenty years of child support.<BR>That you can even look at the child and be so kind and generous is truly commendable. I wish I were more like you. Your rewards will be great and God will bless you for your compassion and kindness. He will probably 'smote' me or whatever for being so petty and vindictive and angry and resentful. But you are an inspiration to me and I hope your H realizes what a gem he has in you and how lucky he is. He'd better have a bushel of gratitude for your sacrifice. Tell him to knock off the silly games. He's put you through enough.

Catnip: Thanks so much for your post. It really meant a lot to me. If it wasn't for the fact that I have a good job as well as my H and all our family are here - I would have immediately suggested that we "move awaY' so as to not deal with all this. I appreciate so very much all your kind words, your praise (unjustly deserved I think) and just lifting me up. I feel SO VERY MUCH like you do in this situation. My H and I were together 8 years before we married and were inseparable. We were deemed "the perfect couple". Of course he did have problems with "conflict avoidance" even back then, but we worked through it and it didn't kill us. Wherever I was - he was - just because we WANTED it that way. It really wasn't until we had our child - that things started falling apart. I hate myself for not seeing it sooner. My H was so USE to us being together all the time - the 3rd person just threw him for a loop. However, it threw me for a loop too and I didn't have to reach out to another man to fix it, you know?<P>I had even told him - "if I ever find out you've cheated on me - I'm gone, no ifs, ands or buts" Wow did I ever eat my words! I feel like such a moron, a wimp, a pathetic excuse for a woman. I'm like you - always WAS self-confident, did my own thing had a "life" and ever since my H announced that she was pregnant (thus admitted the affair); I have been a snotty nosed, whining baby that clings to his every move. Sounds pathetic doesn't it? It has to be pathetic to him - it's patethic to me.<P>The child is almost 10 mos. old now so look how long it has taken me to get this point. . . How old is your OC? Do you hate the child? I have called him a b*(*$@! and everthing else. All the hate I have for my H and the OW comes out because HE is the product of that affair. And everytime I see my MIL and my H's aunt bending over backwards for her or OC it makes me physically ill.<P>Also - I feel like my H should be "on my team". I don't feel that. I feel like he is walking a tight rope in the middle. For him it's like, "well I live with you and my life is with you - so that should be enough - she doesn't get that." That's simply not enough for me. I felt that since he is wimpy in making decisions that if I was the bigger person and took the step at accepting his child then he would make a step toward "me". Not happened - doubt if it ever will. Am I settling? Probably - I deserve better. I know that - I just love this man to distraction and he is the father of my child and we had a marraiage, a commitment and I don't want to be cheated from that.<P>Now my MIL writes me this soppy letter saying that it just warms her heart knowing that I am accepting her "grandson". How does this not sicken her too? She and I were the best of friends and for her to just act like he is the best thing since sliced bread just eats me up. Now she wants to know when she can put "pictures" of him up in her house - she doesn't want to disrespect me. I just think - "God, you know - what else are you guys going to do to me?" And the fact that my H won't step in and say "look, Connie has been through enough - leave it alone" You know?<P>I truly truly wish that my H was like yours and that we didn't have any contact with them at all. I am sorry for the situation you're in, but I think dealing with it your way is much better. You're right whether we were with our H's or not - it would still be an issue with us and one that has changed us forever. I truly don't know - now with OW contacting H on a daily basis (sometimes 2 and 3 times a day) for something - how much longer I can deal with it. I mentioned it to my H this morning and he looked at me like I'm crazy. He thinks that because there is a child involved - she can call whenever and do whatever. I almost think that my H is going to be that - once I give an inch - then he'll go for the gusto! You know. God - this situation sucks so much! I'm so sorry you are here. Thanks for letting me vent.<P>------------------<BR>

Oh, Honey. I can't imagine daily telephone dialogue between my H and the OW over the OC. I couldn't stand it, I'd be a raving lunatic with all my crazy fears raw and out there for everyone to see. With no contact, I am able to compose myself and go on with our lives, almost forgetting about her and the OC in day to day activities. It helps tremendously that she's on the east coast and we are in the midwest, 1500 miles away or better. I am so very, very sorry you have to deal with this. It's hard to understand everyone's insensitivity towards you and your apparent pain with everything this fling did to you and your sound core base.<BR>The OC in my situation was born Aug 20 so she's 2 months old. we have our court telephone testimony on Monday and the DNA results will be revealed...as if it's a mystery. The judge will impose a monthly support amount and we will have to set it up and have checks sent to her each month. that will be the extent of the involvement.<BR>IMHO, I think that with your H's constant daily involvement with the OW and visitation of the OC, it keeps your marriage from progressing to where it should be going. The priest at Retrouvaille (a Catholic Marriage Encounters-Retrouvaille is French for rediscovery) says that the marriage must come first above and beyond any other situation including and especially OC from infidelity.<BR>Some people can handle the involvement of the OC and OW. I know I absolutely cannot on any level. However, I believe that if the OW was to contact you and only you regarding the OC, and you were in control, you would feel much, much better about this impossible situation.<BR>I have not been charitable about the OC at time either. I once called it a mutant [censored]...very unbecoming of me, but I was so hurt and so enraged and so incredibly jealous, the pain was too much and I lost control. So what.<BR>I, too, am deeply in love with my H and as far as conflict avoidance, until a couple years ago whenever something was wrong, HE would be the one to sit me down and make me talk and find ways to resolve issues. It felt so good. he made me feel so important, so treasured and special. It made me love him so much. It made me STAY in this nightmare situation.<BR>Someday we will know why God allowed this to occur in our lives. There has to be a reason. Someone told me that sometimes these things happen to make us stronger. Well, thank you very much, but I was already as strong as Hercules because of all the trials I've had in my life since I was 4 years old. I thought when I met my H 20 years ago, God was presenting me with my solace, my 'reward', if you will, to salve all the past hurts, trials, hard times and pain I had endured. I believed I was being honored for keeping the faith and enduring with grace without any bitterness. Now, in my extreme disappointment, I have become bitter and hateful, resentful and jealous, confused and more damaged than all those years all bundled together times a million. I would have rather replayed the past before I met him than go through what I have gone through this past 15 months. But, that's on a bad day. I have more and more good days.<BR>My good days are 'shadowed' joy, but, joy, none-the-less. I have so much fun with H and the intimate moments are amazing and special. He's so grateful to be home and for us to be reconnecting. The sad thing is, is that this gratitude existed BEFORE the fling, so it's not new. But i am enjoying it. The other night while we lay in bed he stoked my face and told me over and over how much our marriage meant to him and asked how he got so lost. I orget he's in pain, too, then I feel so bad I harbor such hateful thoughts towards him. He has no idea how angry and hurt I still am because I hide it and remain close to him and loving.<BR>Only time will heal these feelings.<BR>As for you, my fine friend, you've been on the chopping block a long time with bits and pieces of you disappearing before your own eyes. I strongly urge you to make an appointment with Retrouvaille (you do not need to be Catholic) for a weekend and the four follow-ups and to get in contact with a mediator to help you and your H resolve these huge issues. you really should have some control in this and the OW should not be talking with your H for any reason. It must hamper his progress with you if he can be so flip as to imply that you should be grateful he's with you and not her. Big whoop. it reminds me of when my H asked to come home and stood there in front of me and said "You won". I said, "What? The Booby prize?" We both laughed so it wasn't totally insulting to him.<BR>DD, we are, unfortunately, members of this forum within a forum with our special problem. I hope you will feel free to e-mail me if you need to talk privately. I know I tend to be somewhat angry and draw hard lines, but, my softer side is here for you. too.

Im sitting here reading both of your postings (DD and catnip)and I just feel sooo torn.. Here I sit at a third angle that will either end with me on the outside, or I'll end up in one of your two positions...Although right now my situation is more like DD, but H is still at MIL's *And the pictures of ALL (ours & theirs) the grandbabies are out*<P>I wonder sometimes if the OW's OC wasn't the only grand"son" it may be different...<P>either way, I look at your posts and cringe because I think if things between H and I work out, well be doing it in the "Daycare Disaster" mode....<P>Wish we could all make this huge open wound go away...<P>cozy