TNT<BR>Glad to see you. You've been in my thoughts and prayers. It's going to be okay!!!<BR>Honest. For all of us someday!<BR>Sorry I haven't been in touch.<BR>You're doing great!<p>[This message has been edited by wasstubborn (edited October 19, 1999).]

Hey TnT... welcome “back.” I think I’ll find it easier to figure out the name change in this direction, though... LOL <P>------------------<BR>No marriage was ever healed by the judicious application of hatred.

hitnt, he forced sex on you and threw you vs a doorjam? Yep, he needs this to be exposed and he needs counseling. All other feelings concerning abuse I will not post here!<BR>About the sd...if he voiced the opinion that he felt an apology from you is in order, what is the basis. I think I would follow-up on that thought. Would want to know more about it, and I would be willing to entertain the possibility of an apology to her. You have to forget that you most likely deserve the apology much more than she does!! She is a dysfunctional child with many many issues, and while this is not an excuse for her behavior, it does lend some weight to the fact that you are more prepared and stable to start the mending of the relationship. So, if an apology would get things moving forward, I say swallow hard and dive in. General apologies work good for teens-"I would like you to know that I am sorry I am not the type of stepmother that you wished for". Or something along those lines, where you are accepting no blame but showing you understand that she has pain that needs resolution.<BR>Okay, throw those tomatoes!!!! THis time of yr here they rae getting pretty mushy, so will SPLAT nicely all over. <BR>Missed ya!!!!

Welcome back TNT. I was always really worried about you when you posted with the other name.<P>I'm glad your H has decided he wants to be married. I hope he doesn't waffle...<P>You've still got a lot to think about.<P>Take care.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

TNT - Oh, THAT'S who you were! Don't know how I could have missed that, but somehow I did. Anyway, I'd like to add my "welcome back" too. I loved your description of your counseling session. Reminds me of ours, especially when the psychiatric labels start flying! And 4 hours, boy! An hour session for me and W is worse that 2 hours of dental work, I think! BTW, sometimes I wish my W would lurk. She'd know from my descriptions right away that it was me and, after all, she might learn something! R & B and best of luck in future counseling sessions. It sounds like you feel much better now, afterwards, which is really good to hear. <P>--Wex

Welcome back tnt, I also like this one more <BR>You're looking strong and I think you handled the counselling session extremelly well.<P>glad to see TnT back<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi TNT -<P>YAY!!! Out of the dark and into the light!!! Let the light give you strength!!<P>Sounded like you did fantastic at the counselors....keep it up!!<P>Hopefully, he'll get something clicking in the clueless head of his.<P>I am extremely glad that you are out in the open and like you said...let him lurk!!<P>I have worried, prayed and missed you, and I will keep up the prayers for you!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Glad to see you back!!!<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

So glad you are back and it sounds like you did a great job at the councelor's. In fact I was surprised H was there when I read further. I pray counselor believed and will help.<BR>I've been gone most of the time for almost a week. Will check in tomorrow!<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hey, TNT!!<P> FOUR hours???? I think that's a good sign that your counselor realizes how serious your situation is! If she's worth her salt, she'll be able to sort through the lies. In the meantime, it is good that you were able to say some of what you needed to say in a safe situation where your H couldn't take control. I just hope that things don't get bad afterwards.<P> And, TNT's H, if you're reading this, keep on reading all through this section. TNT loves you very much, and both of you deserve to have a happy marriage. Your kids (ALL of them) will only benefit from it.

Lostva- we were posting at the same time. I hope I did good in counseling, I know he did everything he could to discount and argue with everything I said. I thought my input was valid and reasonable. Who knows what the counselor thought. It bothered me greatly that she probed into questions like "are you sure they did this on purpose"...(H allegates I'm paranoid and compulsive.) I had to give specific examples of why I believed what they (SD#1 and H) did on purpose. I felt like she was doubting what I said when she asked me, and H did all he could to divert the subject as I tried to explain - bringing up more things for me to have to recount, and I finally had to just shake my head and bite my lip. Who knows what she will believe. <P>FHL- That is exactly what is necessary to pray for, that the counselor believes what I told her. He is such a good munipulator and a good liar. He fools sooo many people with his charm. This is soooo typical of abusive people, I hope she is smart enough to see through it all.<P>WS- I understand you were in your own crisis. I haven't been much help to anyone while in this "pit", either. You take your days to wallow and learn from it. It will be okay.<P>who dat- It is easier figuring out people when they change their name back, huh? !! <P>Rob, Sheba and Sweet Pea: Thank you for your prayers, and thanks Rob for Mondo Hug! <P>I do think the counselor realized how serious this situation is, and I didn't like some of her comments, but I did like others... I didn't like "I can't talk H into robbing a bank." ie:-people don't change their values because someone tries to talk them into it....Well, she odviously doesn't realize that you are who you associate with. And he associates with his family. (a verse in Proverbs...) Oh, well - counseling isn't for a philosophical or theological debate. If you are going to state an absolute to me, then if you want me to buy it, it better be Biblical.....How many of us have seen our spouses throw their values out the door? I wanted to argue her point, but I didn't... I just let her talk. <P>Deb and Kat1, thank you for your consistent support, and prayers. I really do need them. <P>Update: <BR>Son's birthday today. We went to Wal-mart last night. He got so angry in Wal-mart, he went out to the truck. I said nothing on the way home. (I was afraid he would leave me on the road somewhere....Darn I know better than to ride with him somewhere, and not take my own car.) But he chewed me out one side and the other - totally unwarranted. Says I'm building a case against him. Says I deserve to have my panties ripped off. Says I don't deserve to eat because his is the only income at this point. He also told my son I was paranoid again last night. SD#1 didn't come home, and I answered the phone at 12:17am. and they asked for her. I said she wasn't here. They asked if we knew where she was. I said, no we sure don't. He blew up and said that I am not to tell anyone anything, it made him look bad, and it helps me build my case against him.<P>This morning. Told him I needed gas money and money for son's snacks. After being chewed up one side and another, he flipped me a $20 bill out of a wad of cash he earned from side jobs. He has all his money in his pocket, and has his last 3 paychecks in his checking account. Now has started economic abuse. <P>I am documenting as much as I can, and it is not to build a case against him, but to prove that he lies if he tries to allegate that I am nuts again.<P>Now he claims that I self inflict my bruises..... Unbelievable.<P>He said he might move out. He can't make up his mind about anything. <P>This man denies denies denies denies denies everything he does. <P>ugghhhh.<P>TNT <P>

CL-<BR>H arranged for SD#2 to watch our son while we went to Wal-mart last night. When he chewed me out one side and the other, he said she would never step foot in this house again. I said nothing.<P>When we got back, he was throwing such a fit, I sat in the truck paralyzed - not sure if it was safe to go into the house or not. After a while I got out, and decided to carry in a few bags, because I didn't see any activity in the house while sitting out there for a while. I decided to see if it was safe to go in.<P>He was laying in bed. I called SD#2 at BIL's, and asked her to send son home. She said he was sleeping. I went to get son. She was nice to me, and I was nice to her. She carried our son out to the car. I accidently locked her out of the house when I shut the door behind her. <P>So she rode son's bike over to our house (We live around the corner from BIL) - because she was locked out. She talked to H in the bedroom, and got a key, and left. She was distant again from being around H.<P>I think I could have a relationship with the SD's, both of them, if H wasn't so munipulative. He thinks in terms of "or", and not "and". He has to turn the kids against me in order to feel secure.<P>I don't understand his thinking, whatsoever. I just don't get it. I don't know if I will get much opportunity to talk to SD#2, and apologize for not being the stepmother she wanted, but if I get an opportunity I will. Someone has to start somewhere, huh?<P>Ahhh, and I do need your prayers for my family and for my strength. They do work, and I am glad that you have me to "practice" on!<P>TNT

It tears my heart that you are under this type of abuse.<P>I think it is most important to look like you are under complete control in your counseling visits. Let him look the the crazy one.<P>And you are right it is probibly not in your best interest to convince counselor of basic assumptions she has, like the values thing. She will be less likely to agree with you if you are challenging her belief system.<P>You want to make yourself believable above all else. You need to be calm, rational and factual. If you do not allow your H to rattle you, you will appear more believable and then maybe your counselor can actually help your H.<P>Did H say all these things in front of your son in the truck? <BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL<P>No, our son was with SD#2 at the time. But he usually DOES say these things in front of our son, and in front of his daughters. <P>They just weren't there at the time he blew up this time.<P>You are right, I need to make darn sure I am in control in counseling. <P>Guess I need those prayers again..... <P>TNT

TNT-as usual you know that we are praying for you. Try to keep your sanity as much as possible. I know that this is hard, especially in the face of adversity. You do NOT need to control anyone else's behaviour except your own. It also helps to try to NOT put yourself in their shoes! When my ex was unreasonable too often I tried to understand the why and the wherefore. I lost myself trying to understand him. The only person you need to understand is yourself, so try to remember that. As you know, I am saying a special prayer for you everyday, and the chain has come back to me. I sent it back out again, you should feel this soon. God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Bren,<P>I keep saying to the Lord to hurry up and teach me what it is I should learn!!!! Ha.<P>Is this it? <P>Going back to the forgiveness workbook #5, not elevating yourself to a superior position. <P>I am learning to SHUT my mouth, and not respond. I really am learning to control my own behaviors. I know I can't control his, or any one else's. But I must get better at controlling mine! I've done much better this week at this.<P>He called me and told me he wanted me to leave for 2 months. I told him I was not leaving my son, no matter what, and that I know he is frustrated - but he needs to control himself. I told him to write it down if he is angry. He said it was my fault he had to work, and didn't have time to write everything down.<P>I said, I understand. Well - find something to do with your anger with me, it isn't good to keep blaming me for everything and accusing me of everything. I told him I was responsible to control myself, and he was responsible to control himself. I just said I love you, and want this marriage to work, and I am not going to respond to you right now. I said I cannot control your decisions, and you can't control mine. I finally had to hang up because he wasn't going to stop yelling at me.<P>He said his anger is affecting his job. I didn't respond. <P>Thank you for your prayer chain, Bren! I really need this right now. I feel like I am under a microscope and being disected.<P>TNT

TNT,<BR>Keep documenting dates and times. Continue to be nice and document those also. This will show that you are on the up and up. Maybe when H remembers both the good and the bad that he will open his eyes. If not you have built your case to support yourself.<P>He really does need help. He is not thinking rationally. Probably suffering from a chemical imbalance. I sometimes feel this is what is going on with my W. She thinks I have everyone thinking she is not taking her hormone pills. She had a complete hysterectome (no ovaries.) She doesn't understand that God wanted those hormones to kick off certain things. When she doesn't take them as she should she becomes irate.<P>You are in all my prayers. God willing the counsellor will help him to understand this.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

tnt...glad to see you back, back in the thick of it.. My H has finally agreed to try counseling again, but it is hard to find anyone we agree on up here in the boondocks. who are you seeing, where is she located...

TNT - Your situation sounds really bad. Agree with everyone who says your H is being downright abusive. It sure sounds like he is! I wonder, in the face of this kind of abuse, why you would want to stay with him? Are you hoping that counseling may finally bring him around? I'm genuinely worried about what's going to happen to you and your son. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

We had a torrid week, no lovebusters on my part however, but H had his share for all of us!!!<P>He came home Friday night and was pretty decent. Saturday as well.<P>We took 8 little boys to Chuck E Cheese and had a slumber party for them last night. My husband sure does know how to hold the attention of 8 boys, and keep them happy and in line. I was pretty proud of him, and I know our son was too.<P>We went to marriage counseling again today, only 2.5 hours long. Ha! It went pretty well, I didn't bring my list of complaints. I was suffering pretty badly from lack of sleep and no energy. We let the therapist do most of the talking.<P>She told my husband a couple of things,<BR>No. 1, that the marriage relationship comes before the parenting relationship. She reiterated his need to teach his daughters to respect me. She also asked him if he was a "controller".... Ha. Duh... No kidding, I thought.<P>I told her that we both can be controllers last week, but that my husband goes overboard in controlling. I didn't go into too many complaints today, just two incidents, and they were enough for her to address this issue.<P>She talked about his jealousy a little tiny bit. I guess because she did most of the talking, she felt it was time to go on to "family" counseling... ??? I don't think we are ready for that, but I'll try.<P>SD#2 is spending the evening here, first evening she is spending here since the police told her to stay away. It isn't perfect, but it is much more calm and peaceful.<P>He told me one day last week that he would start going to church with me again. I gave up asking him to do this 3 years ago. <P>I won't remind him of his promise, but I will let him know that he certainly is welcome to go with me.<P>I'll update more later, I want you to all know that I am okay, and things are getting a little better, even if it is a bandaid for the moment.<BR>