This is my first post.
Several years ago I had a brief sexual affair. Some time after that ended, I had a long term emotional affair with a co-worker, which my wife learned about a few years ago. It was then that she also learned about the sexual affair. I told her several times I had cut off contact with the emotional affair partner when in fact I had not. Each time she discovered something new which revealed that I had been lying. Finally, about a year and a half ago, I truly did end contact. The former affair partner is no longer a co-worker. There has been no contact since that time. My wife has access to all my e-mail accounts (work and personal) and my mobile phone bills. She has had posession of my work pager for a long time. We have an understanding that I will not answer my back line number at work after office hours. It never rings after office hours, and if it did I would be terrified to answer it in case it were my wife calling to check if I was keeping the agreement - to use an already over-used term, it feels like a subway's third rail, if I touch it I will die.
I feel like things have been going really well between my wife and me. We went through the Marriage Builder's books a couple of years ago. I rarely even think about my emotional affair partner, and certainly not with any longing or sense of nostalgia. My wife, son and I just returned from a nice overseas vacation. I love my wife and realize how foolish and self-centered I was to jeopardize my marriage. I intend to stay married for the rest of my life.
My daughter, who is completing acting school, recently had "head shots" made. They came out absolutely beautiful, and I had my wife send them from her e-mail to my office account so I could keep them on my computer at work and show them off. I showed them to a number of people, and one of them suggested that, since I was so proud of them, I should forward them to my former emotional affair partner. Bad suggestion. I have no idea why I did it, but I did. I sent them with no message, just the photos. My wife, of course, saw that I had done so, and we are now back in crisis mode.
I can't believe I was foolish enough to have done this. I have had no desire to re-initiate contact. Thus far,thankfully, there has been no response. I have re-opened all of my wife's old wounds that, perhaps, had been starting to heal. She is, of course, feeling betrayed once again. And I am feeling anxious, tense, and very disappointed in my own impulsivity and lack of judgement.
I am open to thoughts and suggestions.

You might want to offer to take a polygraph so she can be assured there is not more.

There is a huge problem in your boundaries that you sent an email to the OW. Why would you do that? It is a major RED FLAG that someone who has been through SO MUCH would choose to do such a callous and cruel thing to his wife. That is ASTONISHING.

I wonder if your wife would even know about that if she had not caught you?

It was not a "STUPID" choice; it was a CRUEL AND CALLOUS choice.

Bad suggestion? It was your choice.

As usual, you beat me Mel.

Chewie

I have a suggestion - confess to your daughter what you've done. You've sent HER photos to the enemy ... and you don't know why.

It's not stupidity that's gotten you in trouble this time - it's your lack of empathy.

I know why.

You had a LTEA with a co-worker and lied about when it ended. Is your EA really an EA or did it turn into a PA? That just sounds odd to me.

Take a polygraph for your wife's peace of mind that there isn't more to this story.

ITA - if you lied about this affair being a PA, NOW is probably your only chance to come clean.

FWIW I don't believe for a second there is any such thing as a long term EA. Puhlease.

Yup!!!!

Chewie,

All I can tell you is that you have hurt your wife more than you can imagine. She had begun to believe that you had learned from your LTA and understood that it is YOU that must keep yourself faithful.


I'm known to be long winded but I have only one question for you...

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

Mark

Chewie,

If there is anything more to confess to your BW, do it NOW. Any more lies, half truths, or lies by omission will be a thousand times worse than any truth. You do not want to go down that path.

This doesn't sit well with me. So one of your co workers suggested that you send pictures of your beautiful daughter to an old co worker that you had an A with? A mere suggestion caused you to break NC? I don't buy this.

I suggest that you confess everything at this point to your BW and take a poly.

Hi,

I do not believe ANY co-worker, knowing that you boinked the woman for years, would suggest you send a picture of your beautiful daughter to her!!!

You know, you only send pictures of your daughter to those who you love and care about. Do you still love and care about the other woman hag you had the affair with?

When you sent the picture to that hag, what did you expect the reaction of her (the homewrecker) to be? Did you want her to then, contact you to tell you how nice the daughter looked/ Did you want the homewrecker to call you so you could continue the affair? Did you want some sort of contact with the homewrecker hag?

You know, your beautiful daughter does not deserve this. You ruined your family by getting close with a homewrecking skank. And now you are sharing a beautful thing, a pretty picture of your daughter, with an UGLY thing, that homewrecking filthy hag.

I am amazed you are tempting fate and contacting the hag again. After your family is ruined and just trying hard to recover.

All I can figure is you used it as an excuse to have some contact, some reaction, some personal response from this homewrecker/hag.

You sent her the picture. You wanted her to call you did'nt you?

Then WHY did you contact her? You are lying to yourself.

You are not being HONEST..period...

So I have no idea what I can say in response to any of these generally angry posts except thank you for responding. I genuinely mean that. I am sorry you do not believe that an EA can not turn into a PA, but there it is. What I did was stupid and callous. I know that. I have set us back a great deal, and my long suffering wife is paying the price for that. It may result in the end of my marriage, and if so the responsibility is all mine. Each member of my family will pay the price for my bad choices.
I understand that I have boundary issues. I thought I had developed some insight into them, but obviously not enough.
What was I thinking? I haven't figured that out yet. ( I know, most of you already know what you think I was thinking.) One of the drawbacks of e-mail communication is that it is so easy to push the "send" button before really thinking about the meaning and consequences of something. Not an excuse, and not a new insight, but it's true. I do not want a response to the pictures I sent, and I will breathe a sigh of relief each day there is not one. But that will not fix the damage I have done. Only I can do that, and it may be too late. I agreed to my wife's request to start these posts hoping I might get some useful thoughts from others who have been there.

Chewie,

FWIW, I have read all of Crysalis's threads recently (just after meeting you in fact) and I understand the sitch as she told it. I think you messed up, big time. I really like Crysalis, and I like you too. I was that dissapointed when i read what you did. You are an intellegent man. It would seem that you, like so many other WS's have no brain at all when it comes to the OP. I have no idea what that feels like thank God.

I can suggest that you talk to TSt who will talk you thru writing some EP's (extrordinary precautions) whixh are designed to give you a red flag that you are treading off the narrow path. Flick wrote some and he finds them helpful.

for you both

You're getting the harsh responses you're getting, because you chose to do this (contacting the homewrecker) with full knowledge of what your A did to your wife! Then you turned around and did it again! I (and I'm sure others) are stunned that you wouldn't give a second thought to this, that it didn't even cross your mind to think "hey, my wife probably wouldn't like it if I did this." Nope. Not a thought. Not even a nanosecond of guilt before doing it. You obviously wanted something out of that contact, otherwise you wouldn't have done it.

The fact that you gave NO thought to how this would affect your wife, and instead were only concerned about what YOU wanted shows that YOU STILL DON'T GET IT. What your actions have said to your wife is "yeah, I know my affairs devastated you and scarred you forever, but that doesn't matter. What matters is what I want to do. Screw you."

Sad. You ought to be on your knees thanking your lucky stars she didn't throw you out on your [censored] as soon as she found out. I sure as hell would if my FWH did that to me, and he knows it.

So now, every day, OW will be on your mind as you check your email.

I am a FWW and it is obvious that you were trying to get a OW "fix". Even if she doesn't respond, you have dug the carcass up and it is now sitting at the kitchen table.

Give some serious thought to why you wanted to grab the shovel, why you wanted some sort of contact.

Even if you come up with some valid reason (in your mind) for sending that email, you have to accept that it can never happen again. Just like with any addiction, you have to believe and accept that the "fix" does not solve your problems. Figuring out the "why" is helpful for you and your wife.

She is a sitting duck waiting for you to come up with a better coping skill. I am also a BW and can attest that sitting duck is a very crappy position.

I also agree that you should check out TST's extraordinary precautions. In addition to the "why", you also need a safeguard plan as to why it can not happen again.

You can't quit smoking if you have an emergency pack stashed somewhere. Even if you have great reasons to quit, you have to make it hard to light up. You need some safeguards in place. I would suggest telling your coworker about the affair. Accountability is a good thing.

Would you have told your wife if she hadn't found out herself?