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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 85
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 85 |
I know this is much after the fact for you...
During my WW's first affair, I contacted OMW (phoned at home). Told her. She thought it was joke. Hung up. Called OM at work. His reaction gave him away to her.
She called me back, wanted to know the details I knew. I shared.
It was a cordial conversation. I felt like a turd for hurting her. Guilt. But it needed to be done.
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535 |
ST, I would ask your sister to never speak of him to you again. There should be no discussions about the OM if you are to withdraw and move on. What happens in the OM's family has nothing to do with you and should NEVER come up again. All of this talk of him is dangerous and just keeps you triggered.
It is up to YOU to stop her from - or anyone else - from yapping about him. I would tell her that you don't want to hear about him ever again.
Staying focused on good things, such as your marriage and its recovery, is the way to recovery. AGREE!!! ST, I read you say that you feel hearing negative things about OM helps you, but IT DOES NOT...Hearing that stuff is still nothing more than a FIX of the affair drug...It will keep you stuck in it... Mrs. W Thanks Mel and Mrs W, I'm beginning to agree with you, I feel sad about the end of the A again. I will just repeat that I know OM is sleaze - so much has come to light. But discussion while H is being awful takes me back and I feel sad all over. Just because I'm lonely, not because I want OM. ST
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,535 |
I'd like to agree, but I'm not sure whether I'm in a position too. It's fine if my H wants too but I wouldn't want to cause OMW anymore stress (assuming she does actually know)
ST
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
Hi st,
I can't shake the feeling that FOM controlled the way in which his W received the news, and she does not know the full impact.
If she did what your H suggested and did not read the letter at work, she might well have taken it home and said "look what I got today from X. It said not to open it at work. What do you think it's about?" and he spun it. He took it and read it first, then said "You're not going to believe this. He reckons his wife had a crush on me" or some distortion. He might have told his wife to just ignore such nonsense. He might have told her that she would make it worse by taking it seriously and contacting your H. He might have told her that you've left the band anyway, so she has nothing to fear from your "crush".
I don't know how, but I strongly suspect that he softened the news somehow. It just beggars belief that she wasn't stunned and upset and wanting to know more from your H than he could have put in a letter, and that she's happy to have her H stay in the band.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
Your BH, you, your kids, your sis should not go.
Your sis should leave the band. It's not the only band in the world. If the band collapses it's not sis' fault. The band should be told why sis is leaving so they can protect their own relationships from the OM.
If they rather keep the OM then your sis it shows the character of her so called band mates. So let them keep the fox in their hen house if they are that dumb.
I'd do a follow up phone call to the BW to see if she read the letter and offer the ability to ask you any questions.
Last edited by TheRoad; 03/15/09 07:20 AM.
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