I could tell my wife was up to something and I had no idea it was this bad. I am here in Iraq and my wife started e-mailing me less and less. I looked at her myspace and noticed I started getting locked out of her blog entries. I asked questions and she got angry and said it was just girl stuff. Of course it was strange to me that she would get so angry and I did something I didn't think myself capable of. I cracked her myspace and read the blog entries. They were about her loving my best friend and having an affair for the last seven months. I was still home when it started and I wondered what I did to have her do this. I confronted her with it and she begged me not to leave her and at the same time she still loves my friend. My friend was also married and is going to counseling currently. I was shattered and broken. If it had been one act I could understand, but seven months and the fact that she stated that she loves him and me just hurt to the core. Once news got out a friend of hers came out with e-mails that she had about the whole thing and I also found out that for five of the nine years we were together she was unfaithful. I also found out she would go to raves and have these affairs while I was on military orders so I would be none the wiser. She says she wants to work it out but I just don't know how sincier she could be after lying for five years. My heart wants to believe she can be faithful and we can recover and my mind says I'll never be able to get past it and to move on with a fresh start. I gave her all my love, I did all the small special things, and I really don't see how I could have given her any more attention than I did. What can I do to get my heart to get over this pain other than the counseling I already am in. They have taken my weapon and my amunition, I am totaly shattered in the pain blender that is currently my life.

FcalSoldier,

I'm sorry that you're here. There are a lot of good people here who can be a help to you. There are also several military members here who have been right where you're at now. I am active duty military myself. Mortarman is another who would be a good source of help for you.

It sounds like you're chain of command already knows your situation. I know it's a hit to your pride that they've taken away your wepons, but don't take it personal. They don't know what your state of mind is right now.

You're in counseling and that's good. Have you talked to the chaplain?


I'm going to put a request out for Mortarman to respond to your thread. He's retired Army.

Wow... First of all, I want to tell you Thank You for your dedicated service to our country. And, all others there along side you.
I understand the concept of taking your weapons but I wouldn't think that Iraq would be the best place to be unarmmed...

You have come to the right place. There are many here who can give you great advice.

I am sorry you are here. It doesn't sound like a good situation but, it can be worked through.

I went to the Chaplin first and my legs just couldn't carry me fast enough. I printed out the blog and couldn't say anything except no no no no. I handed him the printout and he stayed with me for a while before he had to go to shift change. This friend of mine was like a brother to me and I just don't understand how this happened. I ask my wife questions and the only awnsers I get is I don't know. So far after her asking me to give her a chance she still hasn't seen a counselor and from what I hear she still was trying to talk to my now old friend and claims her contact with him is over. I don't know how I can believe she really wants this to work if she is not taking the steps to repair the damage.

FcalSoldier,

Hang in here. Keep talking to the Chaplain about what you are feeling. You are not alone here. There are many military here. Military life makes it very difficult to affair-proof a marriange.

How long have you been married? Any children? Is either your wife or the OM also in the military?

From what I have read here, I think Mortarman might have the best advice for you. He has good solid advice about how to handle deployments and military separation.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

AM

Do you have kids with WW?

I have been with my wife for nine years and married to her since November 10th of 2007. Luckly we don't have any children to put through this. My father in law was in the Army for 23 years and understands being away from home. In his marriage he cheated once on his wife and they worked through it. He told me he never would have figured his own daughter would do this after what she saw. My mother in law recieved pain in her chest and was rushed to the ER after she collapesed from the information. I feel so sorry for them to have the memories of that wound reopened. I really don't know how to handel all this. I am heartbroken and want to reach out to them all but at the same time I can't bear to think about anything to do with my wife.

Have you exposed the affair to your friend's wife? That needs to be done.

My prayers are with you. My ex had an affair while the other woman's husband was in Iraq. To me that is low down and dirty.

But it certainly seems to happen a lot.

So, you need to stay calm and get a plan. We always encourage people not to make any decisions right away. The first battle is to end the affair.

I will play devils advocate. (Note I am a 24 year retired military member) Some people make good spouses of military members and others don't. A one time hiccup is one thing but this is a pattern with her. This will not be the last time you are away from home. Be glad no children are involved yet so you can make a clear decision. Be wary of your military retirement. You have only been married for a couple of years so that is not a current issue but could be down the line.

Also is this former friend a military member? Is so report him.

RIF and Mortarman both recovered their marriages after multiple affairs from their wives. MM got out of the military, but RIF stayed in.

But it is much too soon to make any big decisions.

This is a very hurtful situation since there is a double betrayal, by his wife and his friend.

Soldier,

I can feel your pain brother. I am Active Duty Navy and my WW basically checked out to become a party girl while I was deployed too. The pain of being away and feeling helpless to do anything is truly horrible.

Keep talking to the Chaplain and reading on this site. How long till you return to CONUS?

There is 1 action you can take from there however. Consider going to PSD or MILADMIN and changing your 400K SGLI life insurance policy. Take her off as the beneficiary and designate a family member since you don't have children.

While I am sure you will return safely, DOD has to send her an official letter as your spouse that you have changed the policy and taken her off. It will likely shock her that you have done so, maybe make her realize some of the seriousness of what she has done, and impress upon her that you aren't just going to passively take whatever she dishes out with no consequences.

You can always change it back later...

Great advice ... you have only been married for 15 months, and she started cheating after only 8 months being married ... you have no children together ... plus she cheated on you pre-M and now post-M.

She is a long term serial cheater ... you are young ... cut your losses and move on with your life ... she isn't worth the effort and you deserve better.

I concur!

Fcalsoldier, based on what you've said, the fact that you've only been married a couple of years, and that you don't have any children together... I think you may be better off letting her go.

The military lifestyle is very hard on good marriages let alone one that's already on shaky ground. Right now you're only in ankle deep. It will be less painful if you make a clean break now. You don't want to be ten years down the road and two kids later...in up to your eyes and have to deal with this again. If she's been cheating for 5 years she's probably not going to change. At least not without a lot more pain and suffering on your part.

Does she have any kind of addiction? Alcohol? Drugs? Just wondering...

Does she have acess to a joint bank account?

You need to change that as soon as possible. The military will require you to provide some support for your dependants. But I wouldn't give her access to everything you have. If you're paying for rent or a morgage ... and she's staying there... you're providing.


You need to protect yourself. If she has access to credit cards you need to cancel them. You sure wouldn't want her to run up a massive credit bill on you.

Yes, this is excellent advice, although scary and painful. I was married to a serial cheater, they do not seem to change and most are personality disordered, IMO.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I think your life will turn out better if you can get away from this person , your wife. Just my opinion. She is big time dishonest and unlikely to change.

Your WW is a serial cheater.
You have no kids.

I think it's time to find better wife material.

My friend, I was in your shoes but didn't discover the infidelity till I came home from my deployment. I wasn't gone as long as you were.

I offer you this perspective:

I have been divorced for 3 years now (anniversary of D in a 2 months).

I look back now and wonder if I would have stayed together with her now that I know what I know.

I paid a monster price with my military career because of the woman I was with. She was a drain on my career because I was always taking time off to take care of her.

She was not at all suited to be a military wife.

I wish I would have known this information before I ever had kids with her.

I honestly wish she would have cheated on me before we had kids so I could have kicked her to the curb well before I had to go through the pain of being separated from my kids.

So what would I do if I could go back in time?

I'd sit myself down and tell myself that staying with this woman will cost me my career and my ability to advance and my ability to continue my dream of flying.

I'd tell myself to let her go and count myself lucky that I learned this before I had kids with her.

I'd then kick her to the curb and make the most of my military career, saving marriage and children for a later time such as in my 30s.

So now what for you?

First off, I know you have horrible pain and betrayal in your heart.

It's the most terrible pain I've ever experienced.

Take what I say for what it's worth. I had one of my commanders pull me aside and tell me, "We don't think Mr. Pom is the problem. We think Mrs. Pom is and it's costing you".

He tried to warn me 2 years before she cheated.

He couldn't have been more right and the price I paid was with my dream job flying airplanes.

And the fact is that I wish I could have gone back in time and told myself, even with kids, to let this woman go because she wasn't worth being married to and I could do infiniately better than to be with a cheater.

This isn't exactly "Marriage Building" advice. That's a choice you will have to make. But I'm giving you the perspective of a man who is on the other side of things and seeing that men like you and me deserve much better than to be with cheating women.

FCL,

I hate to say it but myrev and pom are prob right. if you're like me i didn't want to hear their advice for along time as I also have a serial cheater and in the military. Having a player/serial cheater is bad enough. Adding in the separation of deployments only adds to the problems and will compound your worry and desperation.

If you're young and no kids, "let her go."

Thank you all for your advice. I had a lot of reading to do when I got back online and I have already started taking action. My fatherinlaw has agreed to help get my name off the car loan and my brother is going to make some conference calls to my credit cards and get my name off hers and her name off of mine. I have already taken away her power of attorney and given that power to my brother. I am becoming detached in every way shape and form. My counselor gave me a homework assingnment to do and it was to make lists. The first is What can my W do to work on the relationship? The second is What can I do to work on the relationship? The third was Without thinking of anyone in mind what are the attributes and qualities that make up your ideal mate for life? Last list was What are the things that make you happy? After completeing this homework I was told to give it to my W and have her do the assignment. When I got her responses I found it interesting she made all the lists except what she could do to work on the relationship. My heart is starting to see the lack of commitment even now. I don't think I ever really know who my W really was and I don't think that woman ever existed. I didn't even think about my life insurance, thak you for reminding me I will get right on it. Thank you all and I will be logging on from time to time when ever I can.

Most people on this site would say not to make any hard decisions for a couple of months. But, in my opinion, it sounds like she more sorry that she got caught rather than sorry she hurt you to the core. She has been cheating on you for half of your marriage and putting your health at risk. She is a serial cheater for several years and that will be a tough thing to break. Someone said it best in an earlier post. Some spouses can handle being in a military marriage an some can't. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm pulling for ya!