Well, you know me, Mrs. W. I'm always suspicious!

I know that a reputable polygrapher would not risk his career to appease one WW man; however, given that so many waywards are so sure that nobody will ever find out, who's to say that a polygrapher HE hires wouldn't think the same way?

For CHRYSALIS' peace of mind, I do think that she should make the decisions on the polygrapher.

I happen to be reasonably sure that, given advance knowledge, my H WOULD try to strike up a "friendly deal" between himself and a polygrapher; hence, my paranoia. Hopefully, though, the polygrapher would be honest enough to tell me about it!

The WAYWARD side of my H would, too..NO DOUBT...

I agree that I would have to take care of this MYSELF...

Okay guys...I guess I was just thinking of ME...I know NOTHING about polygraphers, it wouldn't now, nor then, have occured to me that they wouldn't be on the up and up and it sure wouldn't have occured to me to try to get one of them to bend any rules, and so any list that came from ME...EVEN wayward me, would have been legit...

Since we aren't talking about me () I can see your points...

Mrs. W

Chewie:

It sounds like to me that you are being DEFENSIVE and not coming here for HELP. You are coming here to try to appease Chrys..which is good..but you are not really coming here for HELP for YOURSELF. If so, you would come here OPEN to whatever this may bring, expecting SOME ANGRY posts, SOME NOT...you are prejudging to ASSUME that ALL or MOST of us will respond in the SAME WAY. The best use of MBers' for YOU would be OPENNESS to LEARN...


I BELIEVE this...so don't include ME in the YOU..I was and continue to be MOST DEVASTED by my H's EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT to his OW and I believe that's what he REMAINS most ADDICTED to..after all of these years away from her, I believe he would continue to be ATTRACTED to their EMOTIONAL CONNECTION, the EMOTIONS that she generated in him...YUCK...


I agree with other posters. INSIGHT is not sufficient although necessary. You have to have the BOUNDARIES IN PLACE..FOREVER and EVER...INSIGHT is NOT ENOUGH and will NEVER be ENOUGH..You will ALWAYS BE TEMPTED if there is an INCH of wiggle room or the possibility of ANY CONTACT...I'm not sure that my H has INSIGHT but he has GOT THAT, I think..the need for EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS..I can't say this enough so it may sound like a broken record...


As I said to you before, you were NOT THINKING. Use the same THOUGHT PROCESS that you use in making judgements about your patients' lives. Your FAILURE to use such THOUGHTFUL CARE may have resulted in the DEATH OF YOUR MARRIAGE....


For this reason, HER EMAIL ADDRESS should NOT BE AVAILABLE TO YOU!! It should NOT be an OPTION for you to EVER EMAIL HER!!


This is where you are LYING to YOURSELF. You HAD a MOTIVE. What was it? If NOT a RESPONSE, WHAT WAS IT? If not a direct response from HER, a FANTASY of her opening it up? If not a direct response, this WAS about some sort of CONTINUED CONNECTION with her...saying a YUCK here in the name of all other betrayed spouses...


Here you go, Chewie. You agreed to appease your wife but did you REALLY want OUR THOUGHTS? You can't control what people think or feel, Chewie. So you have to be OPEN to WHATEVER when you come to a PUBLIC FORUM...

I hope and pray that you will continue to work on this for YOURSELF...

An important question, I think...if you want to talk INSIGHT...

WHY was SHE on your MIND at all? Your MIND should be CONSUMED with THOUGHTS of YOUR WIFE and FAMILY..ESPECIALLY with regards to PHOTOS of your daughter...WHY in the world would she be a part of this AT ALL????

What I'm speaking about is your THOUGHT PROCESS...your THOUGHT PROCESS prior to pressing the SEND button..

And even though some other co-worker "suggested" that you send them to OW, are you that easily led astray?

I know in my business (legal) we are taught to read and re-read what we send BEFORE we hit that send button... to double-check that the email address is correct... that we have said what we want to say, that we have attached the correct document.

In other words, it's not just simply a matter of clicking a send button. It's searching out her address, either typing it in, or selecting it from an address book. Finding the attachment, or if forwarding it, making sure the attachment is still there.

You should NOT have her name in your address book, NOR should you know or remember her email address. Remembering would take another concious effort on your part. No, you did not do this "not thinking". There was a lot of thought that went into the clicking of that button.

I want to say AMEN!!

Hi Chewie, welcome to MB.

I'm going to agree with mimi with an additional step.
You need to become "one with your wife" in this thought process.
You need to become attached as opposed to detached in this process.


From the symptoms I have seen thus far, the lack of care, concern and empathy, I'm diagnosing you with a chronic case of SDD (Spousal Detachment Disorder).

This is a disorder that if left untreated, will metastasize into an acute case of SDD (Severe Displacement Disorder), as you will find you now have the need for a new place to live after your wife kicks your a$$ out. Hence, Acutely Displaced!

The good news is, that although SDD is chronic, it can be treated and can remain in remission for the duration of your life with the right plan of action in place.

The plan I recommend for treatment begins with;

Calling the Harley's and scheduling an appointment ASAP

Scheduling an MB weekend with your wife in March, No excuses!

Setting up a polygraph immediatly.

Having an attorney (that works solely for your wife)write up a Post-Nup Agreement that will provide her financial security for life.

Putting together a list of EP's (Extra-Ordinary Precautions) that lead to a changed life style.

Creating a level of care and protection that will allow you and your wife to "Fall in Love and Stay in Love"

There may be some actions your wife wants to add to your list to prevent an acute case from occuring, Dunno? But I HIGHLY recommend you ask her.


Are you willing to do these things?

Disclaimer: What I'm about to say in no way excuses your actions..

Following along with TST's EXCELLENT RECOMMENDATIONS... he KNOWS..

I ask you to also consider this..What's MISSING in your relationship with Chrys right now? Are you being OPEN and HONEST with her about this?

I so appreciate that my H shares with ME..NOW..when he failed to do so IN THE PAST...

It's so EASY for US to slip back into our old patterns...

Is there something that she needs TO KNOW that you are not able to tell her for whatever reason..something about the NATURE of your RELATIONSHIP right now...NEEDS not being MET...

Working towards SPOUSAL ATTACHMENT-INCREASED INTIMACY... as opposed to DETACHMENT????

This is indeed a fact - however (and you knew this one was coming)

Your wife discovered your "oops' instead of YOU telling her you made a boo boo.

WHAT was that all about?

In a boat accident the first action is called "damage control". It is to take whatever material is at hand and plug the hole to save the ship. There is no thought on a permanent fix. There is no thought on how to prevent future accidents. It's all about staying float and buying time!

After D-day most WS's go into damage control: Do whatever it takes to buy time. Say all the right things, appease at all costs, buy time, buy time, and buy time! Eventually the anger in the BS will cease, the will to D will go away, and you can get away with it.

Are you posting here as part of your damage control?
Why should she not believe that you are just the same WS that you were all along?
She certainly asks herself all the time: How long until I find the next proof?

Having read this thread also I ask: How long until she finds the next proof?

What, if anything, have you done to prevent that there ever will be more for her to find? And I don't talk about a more clever hiding of your betrayals!!!

Having read this thread so far, my advice to her would be to go for D. Prove me wrong!

Angry posts?



Lemme guess.... we are alll bitter BS's too right?

and strangely not a WORD about a polygraph.

If you are here just to appease your wife this will be a prertty miserable time for you. Plan appeasment will not work.

Frank nailed it - he's here for Damage Control!!

Hi, Chewie.

I'm writing as a FWW who's PA was with a co-worker. How is it that it took a mere suggestion from a co-worker for you to break NC? I'm sure this isn't the first time that you've thought of the OW in 18 months. What is the real answer as to why this time you made contact? What made you weak this time? I was going to ask if you might have thought it was okay to do so, but the fact that you didn't tell your W about it on your own tells me that deep down you knew it wasn't okay.

Does the co-worker who suggested you send the photo know about your affair?

Does anyone with whom you work currently know that the affair happened?

Does anyone else that you work with know the OW?

tst, I would be interested in what your list of extraordinary precautions includes. My wife and I have been discussing this.

Chewie:

You are a SMART MAN. I understand your need and desire for TST's counsel and help but it does not take rocket science. It takes you BUYING that you are ADDICTED to the OTHER WOMAN. Then, YOU will know what EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS that you need to take...making sure that there are ABSOLUTELY NO MEANS OF CONTACT WITH HER EVER AGAIN IN YOUR LIFE!! My H took this on HIMSELF....BY CHOICE...

Hello Chewie,

Here are my EPs. Many of my EPs are the same (or similar) as TSTs. If you are interested in TSTs EPs they are on my thread at page 15, I found them very helpful as a starting point for mine.

Chewie, contact is the first step towards a full blown relapse! Don't treat this like something you can "play" with, an affair is a cancer in your marriage and you need to "cut it out" and keep taking the meds (stick to the MB programe) and that goes double for the EPs.
Now get busy and write them. I suggest (i know) that your EPs will be far more effective if you involve your wife in their creation, they are for her comfort and protection, that is to say that they should make her feel safe in your marriage, they are also going to help you. Stick to the EPs and you will be one step closer to a real recovery.

Flicks Extraordinary Precautions:

a) I am responsible to protect my wife at all times.
b) I will give full access of all my business records to my wife.
c) I will agree to give all passwords, account codes business and personal to my wife.
d) I will not put myself in an advice giver role with another woman, unless my wife is present and has given her prior approval.
e) I will defer to my wife as the advice giver when it involves another woman, unless she specifically calls on me.
f) I will not spend any time alone with another woman with out the approval of my wife.
g) I will not share my problems or concerns with another woman.
h) I will not share my infirmities with another woman.
i) I will openly share my daily schedule with my wife.
j) At any time she requests, I will trade cell phones with my wife for the time she deems necessary.
k) I will allow only men to provide individual counselling
l) I will always defer to my wife regarding any outside activity and will agree to eliminate any activity she feels is interfering in our relationship or the relationships of our children.
m) I will not travel out of town for business or personal reasons without making frequent contact with my wife.
n) When travelling without my wife, or a member of the church, I must stay at least 100 kilometres away from OW place of residence.
o) I will not go to the store where the OW and I used to work without my wife
p) If the OW makes contact with me I will immediately inform my wife and show her all text messages, emails etc.
q) If I start to have “feelings” for another woman, despite these precautions, I will immediately tell my wife.
r) I will return home after work and not stop off to visit people on the way home.
s) I will not install or operate messaging type programmes on the computer in my radio shack.
t) If at any time my wife desires it, I will enable GPS tracking of my cell phone.

Now get busy, you have no time to waste
I am disapointed in your actions, I thought you were doing so well, see ya.

I know you're busy, and my bet is you are running in a bit of a crisis mode, but take the time to answer the posts on your thread. You will come to find some answers if you take the time to examine your own heart while replying to others.

You cannot afford to rest on your laurels any longer.

This is a list of what my wife required before she would allow me to come home. Keep in mind, she wanted to see a change in MY prideful heart to one of remorse and repentance before she would be willing to re-invest in me and our M.

I'm hoping you can glean a few ideas from this list...

Hi, again. As a FWW who also cheated with a co-worker, I have no judgements. Promise. Perhaps I can pose questions that may or may not help you dig deep about what happened. First though...

Does the co-worker who suggested you send the photo know about your affair?

Does anyone with whom you work currently know that the affair happened?

Does anyone else that you work with know the OW?