I don't know. Maybe. My drive to say them has definitely reduced. It made her snarly mean, which was completely expected. I don't know whether any of the "Continue to respect how much I hate POSOM, and things need not be antagonistic between us" message got through.

Yesterday morning she sent me a text message that DD5 had a cold and should stay home from school, and she said she would see if my mom (who is visiting in a rental condo nearby) could take DD5 early (Wed being my day with the kids). I was already on my way to the school, and I knew the SCQ would need to be dropping off DS9, so I called her cell (maybe a first) and told her I could go ahead and take DD5 at the school. When I found them in the school, the SCQ was very chatty, wanting to tell me all the sick kid details. I was polite but avoided eye contact as much as possible.

Like I said, I'm not going to back down on going to his house. It will make me too angry--having to drive the forty minutes each way. Too big a trigger.

Thanks for dropping in, CW. I value your perspective.

You know in my sitch when I remarried (not to OM) and moved I agreed to make the drive. It's been almost four years and I still make the drive to where he lives so that the kids can stay in the same school. He was basically like "You moved- you make the drive" She should be flattered that you're even willing to meet her halfway! I would fall over in gratitude if my exh was willing to meet me half the way. He will on occasion- like holiday or such but it's few and far between. I hated it at first but I've gotten used to it. Plus my current H and mother in law help me during my weeks on pick up time when the traffic is the worst.

Have you thought about how that will impact any sports that they decide to participate in? (not sure if that's been in your thread). Where will that be? Where she lives or where you live?

"I'm not going to back down on going to his house. It will make me too angry--having to drive the forty minutes each way. Too big a trigger."


I'm sticking to my guns on this one with you.

Where the kids and I live. I've been careful to refer to this place as "our house" or "your house" to them. They only refer to the other place as "POSOM's house." Their school is here, and their sports are here, too.

DD5 starts softball next week, and I'll be coaching her team. I've been assistant coaching most of DS9's baseball teams, but now I'm managing. It should be a blast--five and six year old girls learning to play softball.

SD,

Hmmmm, interesting exchange at school. Of course I have to say that she probably took it as Drac would,,,,that your courteous behavior means that 'all is forgiven' and that you are willing to be more accomodating & friendly! YIKES!

And, of course, you did something that made HER life easier,,,,and we know that for waywards, THAT is what life is about!

Stick to your guns on the exchange. It will work out.


What FUN! I'm so anxious for DD to start playing again this year. Of course, we are a few months behind you due to weather.

Hope you have a great weekend!

That's fine, SD... and if SCQ doesn't come up with a counter-proposal that you are OK with, then continue on as planned and seek mediator's help to you find an 'acceptable' solution to both of you.


Yep...I get the same impression when dealing with WS...always about them :RollieEyes:....but really, MY motivation is usually to make life easier for the...boys!

Triggery morning.

My mom told me yesterday that DS9 has expressed some interest in counseling, that he's having some trouble with the living at POSOM's house. It sounds like they are trying to get him to call POSOM's daughters sisters/stepsisters and POSOM's brothers uncles. This fits with what I have observed from DD5--she seems to have been coached to call them sisters.

Then I get this from the SCQ:

The parenting plan isn't there because either of us like the schedule. It is the best we can do for the children under the circumstances. Keeping the weekend schedule like it is is I believe is not the best for the children. My beliefs from the last time we went to mediation have not changed. You may like it but it is not the best for them.

Since you are refusing to abide by our previous agreement of who ever has the kids drops them off at the others house, for now until we come to some of agreement we can exchange the kids at the Park and Ride at La Costa exit from I-5. That exit is about half way between Del Mar Heights Road and Oceanside Blvd along I-5. If there is a park at that exit then let me know. If you cannot agree to the La Costa Park and Ride then the original agreement is still in place.

It's tempting to completely unload on her. Or take her back to mediation and totally destroy her there. The exit with the park is two miles closer to my house.

I was already talking with my mom last night that it would probably be easier to go with full weekends and avoid this BS. At the same time, I really want to tear her a new one.

For head-clearing purposes:

The agreement we had is irrelevant--it was made before you moved an absurd distance away from where the children live and go to school into a house that is morally reprehensible. To think that our original agreement would still apply is naive on your part. You're the one who changed the situation. You're lucky I'm willing to meet you halfway.

I can't believe you have the nerve to invoke the kids' best interest. Exactly how is it in their best interest to commute to school via 25 miles of California freeway?

I understand you have been asking the children to refer to POSOM's daughters as sisters and his brothers as uncles. Are you and POSOM married? If not, this is inappropriate. Of course, I guess it's no more inappropriate than moving the kids in with someone to whom you are not married, or leaving your family for selfish reasons, or lying to your husband and children, so why should anyone expect you to start being a decent mother now?

:twobyfour:





Sometimes I'd just like to ask the entitled POS waywards, "Who in the holy hell do you think you are? WHY do you think you have all the power to TELL a BS what is or isn't going to happen? LOOK at the choices you have made. Can you REALLY tell me these choices were in the best interest of the children?"

and finally

"Shut the hell up until an actual RATIONAL thought can be formed in your head."

And REALLY!!!???? "sisters and uncles?" Married or not, that is NOT okay until the CHILD makes the choice voluntarily.

I know this post was probably not really helpful to you. I'm sure you already knew what side of the fence I was sitting on.

I'm debating on whether to shove a hand grenade up WxH's buttoosky with a sherriff's sale of his possession and emails from you xWW remind me so much of Babs, it gets the fire burning again to make their lives as miserable as possible.

Fox

Sheesh, SDGuy, I live on Oceanside Blvd. Does POSOM live here? I'll go beat his [censored].

I knew what to expect from you, Fox, and today I was looking for it. I'm pretty pissed off. Tired from this crap and the will-I-Have-A-Job stress and having a persistent, nasty cold--it seems to have lowered the guard rails on the high road.

I'm really wanting to blister her at the moment.

How about

"Since you are so concerned about what is in the best interest of the children, please explain to me

how moving them into the house of a man to whom you are not married is in their best interest?

how moving them 25 miles away from their home and school is in their best interest?

how expecting them to refer to POSOM's relatives using terms that are inappropriate is in their best interest?

No?

Then maybe you should shut the [censored] up about what is in their best interest."

So [censored] blind to what really matters.

Right there with ya, Guy Smiley.


The continued stupidity angers me to no end.

And the fact that I can do absolutely nothing about it, frustrates me to no end.

Some days, I can shrug it off.... other days, I feel like shoving it down his throat.

Time for a massage, my friend?

Fox

Yeah, I'm usually pretty good at shrugging it off, but today seems different. I suspect I'm channeling some of the job frustration (8000 layoffs wasn't enough. Let's buy another huge company so we can have even MORE layoffs!) toward the SCQ. I don't know about you guys, but I think she more than deserves it.

Good call, amigo. Yoga tonight, massage tomorrow.

I'm no good at shrugging. I don't like my shoulder's too close to my ears...

I'd have a really hard time not listing the facts and sending them to SCQ. I'm having a hard time reading this board this week, with Chrysalis, and Not2, not to mention Chai's struggles, and then you throw in the wayward's stoopidity. Grrrrrrrr...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Calgon, take me away.

MY back is tense just reading this stuff.

SDG,

I don't know where you stand in terms of visitation, but I would be inclined to file for primary custody with visitation for her because of the distances involved. Making the kids drive that long is a pain for the kids.

I also strongly recommend that if you don't wish to go with the exchange on Sundays thing that you switch to an arrangement where you don't see the ex.

You could easily do this by moving to a 50/50 arrangement where all the exchanges and drop offs happen as school.

So you could have the kids on Monday and Tuesday, she could have them Wed, Thursday, and you alternate weekends.

All pick ups and drop offs are at the schools.

Driving to POSOM's house is completely out of the question.

But you have the advantage in a custody fight for the sole reason that the girls are already in that school and established there. The court would be inclined to keep the kids in their current school and her moving away gives YOU the advantage.

You could file for a modification of the custody arrangement where you're given primary custody on the grounds that her move to POSOM's house in not in the kid's best interests because of the long driving distances they have to endure now because she moved for HER interests and not those of her kids.

Keep a few things in mind when dealing with her:

She now has a mixed family with step kids. There is no greater indicator of future divorce than mixed families. This ranks above infidelity as a precursor and sign of divorce to come.

Your daughter is 9. She's just a few years away from the hormones and moods of a teenage girl and God help them when she starts expressing how she feels about POSOM because it's coming.

Odds are that the girls will WANT to live with you as time goes on because they know that you are home and they don't have to deal with step brothers and sisters and they get 100% of your attention in your home.

I'm inclined to tell you to file for a modification of custody and request primary custody on the grounds of her move. The fact that you're in their school district works hugely in your favor.

When did this move happen?

Um Papa...


...about this


um, yeah, his SON is the eldest. I sure hope his hormones are okay

Sorry, that made me giggle...

SD,

I just read up on some of the stuff with this move. You could hold her in contempt for not informing you with 24 hours of notice.

A move like that can be considered a significant change in circumstances and give you an opening and a reason to file for a modification.

I also read up some more and realized I was wrong about your 9 year old and that he's a boy.

Well, sons with hormones will certainly clash in their teen years with idiot POSOM of no relation. Seriously, I would make his life or any step parents life an absolute he77 if they were an affair partner that split up my home. I was in my 20s when I dealt with my dad and I never spoke to his OW wife. I rooted him on when he started cheating on her. (The only time in my life I rooted for a cheater. I wanted her to get a taste of her own medicine. I've since kicked my dad's butt and told him to not do it anymore with any future woman.)

But you have some legal openings here and they work in your favor.

Go for primary. Save your kids from the drives.

Heh. This is what the SCQ has been pushing. We have that schedule except for two remaining Sunday exchanges a month. She wants to eliminate the Sunday exchange and have only full weekends, and I'm now inclined to go that way.

But the thought of filing for primary custody. . . wow. Based on the change that she instituted. It would make POSOM's character relevant, I would think. And the living situation. Tempting. Just to accelerate the visit by the karma bus. Probably won't, of course, but it's fun to think about.

I know the thing with POSOM will fall apart. On my last date, I was set up with a divorced lady by one of my neighbors. She was really nice--smart, from the Midwest, attractive. She's divorced as well, with a 3-year old son. Clearly she loves being a mom and has basically complete custody. I think it's what she wanted from the marriage--she met her ex via Perfectmatch, which means they weren't married all that long, and it was his third marriage and fourth child. She said she understood the risks (had a prenup, etc).

The relevant part was her talking about her parents. She described how she gets along great with her dad but would prefer to get the visits with her mother over with quickly. Then she told me that her mother cheated on and left her father when she was ten years old. Then her mother's OM cheated on her mother (gasp!), and thus her mother is now on her third marriage. "Not a great role model," she said, "but my dad . . . my dad is my rock."

I told her that I hope my daughter says something like that about me someday.

SDG,

Run it by a lawyer. You have enough grounds to file for primary and corner your argument on her move away and the drive she is now forcing the kids to endure.

I can tell you that that was a big factor in my case and was one of the deciding factors for the kid's attorney. She recommended the current arrangement to minimize the driving for the kids.

I messed a few things up when dealing with her and they could have proven to make the difference.

She was either mis-informed or misled about DD's school and the fact that it's been around for many years. She thought it was a new one.

That might have made a difference in my favor since MD has now been named the number one school system in the nation.

But you actually live in their district and are close to their school and this is HUGE.

I can also tell you that a parenting coordinator is sensitive to your feelings as the betrayed and will not understand her insistance on bringing POSOM around you.

It's worth at least talking to a lawyer about. You can argue contempt about notifying you before her move and can also argue the fact that you know your kids are having problems with POSOM's house.

What are their living arrangements there? Do they have their own rooms?

I also hope that someday your kids say the same things that you heard from your date. I'm hoping for that too.

SD,

Oh my, how the wayward makes me so !!

I'm thinking a trip to the coast to bring some :twobyfour: to the SCQ would do us all some good!

Despite dealing with Drac's wayward crapola when it comes to life in general, and reading about so many here, I think the one thing that never ceases to amaze me is how they can be so incredibly selfish when it comes to the kids. :RollieEyes: :crosseyedcrazy:

SD, while I can't say for sure what I think you 'should' or shouldn't do - - I can say that I know without a doubt that the one thing you HAVE ALWAYS and WILL ALWAYS do is make your decisions based on what you know to be right for the KIDS FIRST.

There is no doubt in my mind that you will hear words like those of your date someday from your own kids. As will Pom, SL, Foxxy, James, Eph, Queenie, even Chai, and so many others. Just look at Chris and his DD21. They DO know who is the rock now and who will always be there for them.

Nothing is more important than that. Nothing SCQ does will ever take that away from you.

SD

If you like your attorney and trust his/her judgement, it might be worth a brief consultation to evaluate the modification options.

Hang in there Guy!