My advice is not to break Plan B. Of course you are allowed to discuss finances, but that should be all.

I broke Plan B several times. All it did was not protect my heart. In the end I lost all my love for my ex.

Right now, you are the most dangerous to your marriage. You are getting healthy, and if you jump back into relationship talk, you might lose your love for him too. And believe me, it goes very suddenly, and when it is gone, it is gone.

BF,

This is one of the posters I hoped would respond. One of the "BTDT" variety. Good to learn talking finances doesn't amount to "breaking" Plan B.

So, take Believer's advice if you talk to WH: NO R talk! (Unless, of course, he offers proof of NC. Yeah, I know...)

RHW

I think that is what my heart and head are telling me, too. I'm just so sad and weary right now that I crave some kind of resolution to this.
Just to clarify, do people in plan b sometimes see each other to discuss finances or kid issues or just do everything through the IM if possible?

The problem with discussing kids or finances is that the talk moves on from there to relationship. Often finances is just an excuse for hubby to get a fix of you.

I suggest you go through your IM.

You've done a good Plan B, don't give in.

Use the IM for everything. You're safer if you have it in writing from him to them to you, anyway.

BF,

I'm hearing that you really WANT to see your WH. I'm hearing that the indifference is not a steady state of mind. I think that's natural. Above all, I hear that you're tired and want a resolution. Every BS does. Badly.

Till he's ready, though, it cannot happen. So hard to protect your heart when it's already broken, but it's what you need to do, any way you can.

I just want to shake the guy.

Hold on to you, BF. He isn't ready to yet. You'll know when he is.

RHW

Thanks, everyone. Your support is just what I need right now. Yes, I do just want to see him, but that is an emotional need and I need to stick to my plan.
More and more I find that I stay strong by reminding myself that I did not deserve what he did. The kids did not deserve what he did. Someone said it in another thread, "I do not need to be married that badly" -- I guess the rest of that statement is: "to tolerate such hurtful, unrepentant behavior." I am worth so much more.
Yes, I'll stay dark; there is no real need to meet and I have to protect my heart. I feel my love for him diminishing every day that he makes no effort to right this wrong, tho.

BF439

Yes, very painful, and very discouraging. You just might get tired of waiting before he comes around. But even if he never does, know that YOUR life can be good again. Him? A lot harder, once he comes out of the fog and realizes what he's lost. And that it's too late to reclaim it.

He will lose way more than you, BF, if he doesn't wake up soon.

Stay dark, then, and hold on to hope as long as you can.

RHW

I try to remind myself of this, but when I get caught up in the things he's said (that he hasn't loved me for years and just wants to be happy) I think, "he's going to come out great because he's the one who knows what he wants and he went for it!"

The up and down of thoughts drive me crazy, but at least I know for every defeatist thought, I've got a positive one waiting in the wings.

I just read some of his responses through the IM re: childcare and finances. Its amazing how even though I'm buffered that stuff still makes me so sad. Imagine where I'd be if I had to talk with him directly!!

BF439

I try to remind myself of this, but when I get caught up in the things he's said (that he hasn't loved me for years and just wants to be happy) I think, "he's going to come out great because he's the one who knows what he wants and he went for it!"


Squirrel poop! He will NOT come out great, and all the fog babble in the world will not make it so.

So hard NOT to get caught up in the things they say--but it's all rubbish, every bit of it. Try not to torture yourself with ruminations over things he won't even remember saying, once reality hits him. Of course, by that time, you might not give a whit what he remembers because you just won't care.

I sense that time is running out for him to "get it." Hope he wakes up soon.

Hugs to you, BF.

RHW

Now that is an image I will keep in my head everytime I hear his babble!!!

Thank You!!

Well, we all know the things they say are worth about as much...

Hold on to you, BF.
And keep busy.

Well, I kept busy today cleaning the house (I was home with DD4) and the house email. Of course, I came across some old emails of WH and OW and it just hurt and made me so angry!!!!

So I forwarded it on to him with this:

"No need to reply and I apologize for the direct contact.
Just cleaning the house and emails and I stumble on this and my day is gone. I have this and a million other conversations in my head, along with the images of my husband with another woman. And I'm not "ruminating" -- its just what people do when they have been traumatized.
I know you may not be able to put yourself in my shoes, since you said you did not care if I had an affair and that you let me go "long ago," but imagine if you will that OW did this to you and you might have some understanding of my pain."

So, I wasn't dark and its my old pattern of trying to make him feel guilty to change his behavior. At least I know why I did it -- next time I'll listen to my little voice and post here instead.

BF439

You're doing the same kinds of things I did and it did nothing but prolong things. How attractive is that to your WH?

Now, here's a . Come HERE next time you get an urge like this. Rant, yell, scream and holler all you want. We'll walk you through it.

I know, I know, but its good to be reminded. I don't know if my goal is to be attractive in any way, though, anymore. I think its just to get through my day not feeling disposable. I was feeling that way when I emailed him.
In AA, they talk about H.A.L.T. -- never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired -- 4 top conditions of the typical BS. Its amazing I don't do the lashing out more considering that dynamic!
:RollieEyes:

What about my urge to confront OW -- she's afraid I'll show up at her work (or was back in Nov.)?
I just hate her so much and it makes me sick that WH is still in contact with her! Maybe I could take DD13 -- she's p.o''d beyond belief at that woman -- and she's bigger than her!

It just hit me as I was cutting up the brussel sprouts: this is I think what I fundamentally believe or fear:
That he NEVER loved me; my whole marriage has been a lie and IF he doesn't come back it will prove my biggest fears and insecurities. It makes it so much harder when I put so much weight on his choices...

Every single one of us BSes here have thought this.

Do NOT buy into this lie.

Here's another trick. Put a dozen rubberbands on your wrist and everytime you start this STINKIN THINKIN, give 'em all a POP. That should be distracting... hmm??

OWWWW!!!! Do I have to snap them all at once or one at a time?!!

Not only do all BS's think this, a lot of us are actually TOLD this by our waywards!

Even well into recovery, those words haunt me.

All we can do is try not to think about it. And snap rubber bands on ourselves.

*sigh*

I talked last night with one of my best friends about how I was feeling and althogh she's not too familiar with MB, she echoed a lot of what you guys are saying -- that I am going through the pain of all this and will come out stronger because I am dealing with my feelings and WH is in such denial that he will have a really long road ahead of him towards healing. It was so good to talk with a friend that I could just let all the sadness come out...

Then I had the most vivid and to me scary dream about WH and OW being more of a couple and picking the kids up for a visit and DD4 calling her "momma" and me being crazy, bitter and mean while OW got to be the calm, classy one, "for the kids." I woke up so upset and I realized I am really scared that they will formally get together and they will want to be with our kids, as a couple, and that makes me want to
What an awful dream!!