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If he has not hit you prior to the A, I would recommend to carry on as planned, but adding some sort of anger management work to your mental list of conditions for recovery.
Adultery brings out the worst in people, and people who would never become violent while in their right minds sometimes snap during an A. BS and WS alike.
However, if he was abusive pre-A, that changes the ball game. You still have the possibility to recover, but it would require far, far more work on his side, and I would be urging you to set the bar EXTREMELY high. People can recover from being abusers, but it's not easy at all.
So let us know which it is, and we can elaborate our recommendations.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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A quick one before I run. Here is the email he wrote on Saturday referring to the hitting incident and his justification. Neak, it was the only time he hit me and he wasn't abusive before the A either physically or emotionally. The incident has been rewritten a bit below. What happened was I sent him an email in Sep saying that he had to make more efforts in our M. He interpreted that to mean I wanted out of the M and as he seemed to be constantly looking for an exit I shouted loudly at him to leave the house, to get out. DD11 heard me, woke up and shouted out with fear. WH hit me on the face and them pushed me to the ground. I got a bruise on my hip and couldn't sleep on that side for 3 days or so. He left me on the floor for a few seconds while I contemplated the tiles and the end of my M. He tried to help me up but I pushed him away. He justified what he did to 'protect his daughter' and then left to spend the next 3 nights in OW's flat. Got to run as I have to pick up the girls from school and we're going swimming after that. Love to you all, Tully Tully,
Tonight, I regret. I am so sorry about our argument of today. I was so disappointed by last night's encounter that I got bitter. I did not want to argue but I know why it turned out that way. It is mainly my fault I suppose, but please try to understand that Brother's attitude makes things so much worse. He insulted me in front of my children, he said in my face that I was a coward because I slapped you, and DD11 was around. That made me so angry. Before all, what really bothers me is that you think I can harm you. Tully, whatever you think, the only time in my life that I hit a woman was because, that day, when DD11 woke up scared to death and you could not stop screaming, I had to do something in an emergency. I slapped you to stop you from screaming and you fell. I got a shock that you fell and I picked you up and apologized. Why did you deny that the other night? It hurt me so much that you could deny it. I felt I was stuck between the well being of DD11 and your pain that day, and I chose DD11. I should not have behaved that way, but I felt cornered. You know I regret Tully, and you also know that I would never harm you physically if it were not for my children's sake. Anyway, whatever your feelings about it or mine, Brother has no right in there. Also, it kills me that I open my heart to you in my emails and you let Martin read them. Tully, Brother is a good straight guy and I like him, but he often gets way too rigid. His role is wrong in our story and you are partly at fault to encourage him to have that position. Why don't you trust me a little bit? I can't believe you distrust me so much. I have my faults, I have been wrong in what is happening to us, but I am not the guy you think I am. It kills me to realise that I scare you. This is another killer's blow for me. How can the woman I loved so much be scared by me? This sounds so incredible to me that I wonder if I am the same guy, or if you are the same woman. Have we both got mad? Am I the only one? Today, I shouldn't have spoken to you in a state of anger.It happened because I was so frustrated last night that my state of mind desimproved steadily and I felt we had to talk more. Instead of having a few words of polite explanation about some issues of last night, Brother's presence boosted my frustration to the point of cracking up with him. I hope you will allow me in the future to talk to you without him around. Please, if you don't feel like being on your own with me, ask somebody else. What about Brother 2?
Tully, I really don't want to end up with you hating me. I feel this is happening little by little and I don't know how to stop that. Maybe I am hatable, but I feel so frustrated by the way things happen these days that I don't react the way I would like to. I am not in control. In fact, it is rather the opposite: I am completely in an improvisation state. So much so that I feel I am even losing my english when I talk to you. It is dreadful. I feel dreadful tonight. I tried to ring you but got your dad who told me you were away for the night. Tully, I would like to apologize for the way I told you that I did not want to live with you for the rest of my life. This was wrong. I had hoped we might be able to talk calmly about our differences in the near future. I am deaming that we could still be friends. Can we? I dearly hope so. Tully, I know you are a great woman. You have not done much wrong in this sad sad part of our lives. You just overreacted, I think, and I got very scared. I got scared of being scared by you for years. I suppose this is why we are separating. It may sound stupid because there is nothing wrong with the basics of our relationship. But you underestimated my suffering of the last three months. I could not see the end of the tunnel. I focused completely on the girls and I am the one who is now paranoid of losing them. I am scared Tully. I am scared that you will take them from me forever, as you have done in the last three months. Please don't do that. I am so paranoid that I thought last night that you were plotting something with Brother. There was something false in our conversation -but it might have been only Brother's presence. I also got a very disturbing feeling of talking money when deciding on the girls future. I find that really disturbing because I think money should have nothing to do with it. I understand better now, after a bit of reflection, that it is something you have to think of. Why could we not have talked about this last night? Why did you not try to make me understand that I can't forget about that side of things? I am a dreamer in many respects and I have to realise that there are things that cannot be eluded. Again, I am sorry about not understanding you better. I think I do now, and I would like to assure you that I will do my very best on that front. I don't need much in terms of belongings. I will estimate what is the minimum I can get a reasonable life with and I will give you all the rest. As I said today, you can have the house if you want. I can probably cope with the appartment. There are only two or three options anyway and I will put the finances on them. I will let you know very quickly what I propose. I have good hopes that financially, there are viable solutions. We are in good enough shape Tully and I am fairly sure we can find a way of using intelligently our capital to insure you a risk-free life. I know you don't want that, but I can also insure you that I will do all I can for you on that front until I die. Of course, now is the crucial time for all these money matters and you will see that you won't have to fight for things. I haven't changed that much Tully .
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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Tully,
Brother's name has been left in here, just below the bold.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Cinderella, in fact what he wants is that I move back to France and that we both live close to the school so that the girls always go to the same school. I am not convinced that this is a good way for children. I think they need more stability and reassurance and I think lots of issues can fall between the cracks with this system even if it does mean that the children get more equal time with their parents. It is becoming more and more popular though. Do NOT do this! You're right, it's becoming more and more popular. In the courts it looks great. It looks all balanced, and stable, and let's-get-along-for-the-sake-of-the-kids. Courts like this kind of arrangement. My exH and I had an arrangement similar to this but they would live in one home six months and the other home six months. Then exH moved 800 miles away and the children ended up going to two different schools every year. My eldest never learned cursive because they taught it during the first part of the year in one school and the second part of the year in the other school, and she missed out both times. It was insanity. I even went back to court saying "He's leaving, this is a big change for the children, there is no way this is good for them, it's too unstable" and my petition to change was denied because I could not "prove" that it was damaging to them. The court system is all about legality and nothing about common sense. Tully do NOT enter into a shared arrangement like this.
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 Sorry but I just want to knock your WH's teeth out right now.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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If you return to France next week are you going to go alone or take someone along? Do you feel strong enough to deal with WH alone? Would your friend who visited with her DD a few weeks back be able to support you while there? This trip will be hard enough without WH being a jerk to you every time you turn around. Love that brother of yours tully. I don't need much in terms of belongings. I will estimate what is the minimum I can get a reasonable life with and I will give you all the rest. Take him up on this tully. Make him put his money where his mouth is. Don't ever destroy these emails until you have the resolution you want. Print a hard copy and keep the electronic copy of all the exchanges between you. Let WH hang himself with his own words. If he never gets his head out of his [censored] you want to have him firmly by the balls. I haven't changed that much Tully. Now there's a scary thought. With WH whining about his lot in life at the moment and declarations of divorce and kidnapping charges, I'm assuming mousy MIL has not tried to ring you or the girls. Is his family silent or do you suspect they don't even know the latest?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Ah, reality is beginning to filter through.  He's beginning to sense that he looks seriously imperfect to most of the world. I especially liked Why did you not try to make me understand that I can't forget about that side of things? I am a dreamer in many respects and I have to realise that there are things that cannot be eluded. Gosh, those irritating practical details getting in the way of a person's floaty illusions. It's SO not fair. Everything he's communicated so far has been about HIS feelings. For the first time, he's showing a flicker of awareness of how others might feel. But just a flicker, for now. TA
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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I'm so glad to hear the hitting was a one-time thing. It will need to be dealt with during R, but IMO is probably not an indicator of someone with a chronic abuse problem. Really, I liked that letter. Mucho mucho foggy, but it's the foghorn letter of a VERY VERY unhappy WS. (I like WS's to be unhappy.  )
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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There are just too many gems to choose from .... my favorites so far .........
I slapped you to stop you from screaming and you fell. Why don't you trust me a little bit? I can't believe you distrust me so much. How can the woman I loved so much be scared by me? Tully, I really don't want to end up with you hating me. :crosseyedcrazy: I feel this is happening little by little and I don't know how to stop that.
Maybe I am hatable, but I feel so frustrated by the way things happen these days that I don't react the way I would like to. I am not in control. Tully, I would like to apologize for the way I told you that I did not want to live with you for the rest of my life. This was wrong. I had hoped we might be able to talk calmly about our differences in the near future. I am deaming that we could still be friends. Can we?
Tully, I know you are a great woman. You have not done much wrong in this sad sad part of our lives. You just overreacted, I think, and I got very scared.  I got scared of being scared by you for years. I suppose this is why we are separating. I also got a very disturbing feeling of talking money when deciding on the girls future. I find that really disturbing because I think money should have nothing to do with it.
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Ooooh ooooh I know! Money should have nothing to do with it, because IT'S ALL ABOUT YOUR PONY WANDERING FROM THE PADDOCK!!! (And now you have to pay.)
The whole scared of being scared of being scared of being scared line really got to me. My sides still hurt.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Definitely, this man needs a cranio-rectal extraction!
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Again, exactly, WHAT is he afraid of?  Lil O' Tully? I, myself, never got to the joys of plan B. But I heard a lot of #$%^* during plan A. But this, this tops the cake. His letters should be put in some MB book somewhere, called "How to interpret retard... or What to expect from fogspeak". Why use one word when 20 will do? Tully, you can see why plan b protects the BS (from this BS). Apparently, he is working thru some issues, and it will do you no good to tune in to this $%^&- process- It will only hurt and discourage you. On the good side, quite a few people here on this board have had bad/worse fogspeak, and they have recovered-- What do you want out of this - right now? Whatcha thinking?
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Hey! I gotz censored! I rhymes with re- fard.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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OT - small vent.
So I guess illness won't retard a return to health? Falling sales won't retard the collection of sales tax. We can say bathroom words and potential curse words but we cant say re-tarred.
I'm through....carry on.
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Again, exactly, WHAT is he afraid of? Lil O' Tully? It still amazes me how waywards underestimate the [censored] kicking abilities of a BS. Go tully! 
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Why use one word when 20 will do? liarrhea
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BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Is the forum using a new censor tool? I just had this word censored on another thread -- G U T T E R.
I said that OW has led our WH's down the moral gutter. This applies to Tully, also, so I don't think this is a t/j.
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Tully, hope you aren't offended by our giggles, but your WH really should be in an MB Hall of Fame for the most breathtaking fogese ever produced by a WS. :crosseyedcrazy: I'm with Pep on finding this one exquisite: Maybe I am hatable, but I feel so frustrated by the way things happen these days that I don't react the way I would like to. I am not in control. This is his whole mindset boiled down to a paragraph. I expect everyone to behave the way that's comfiest for me, and they keep behaving in ways that aren't comfy for me at all, and it's not fair!!! I'm behaving like a d1ck and it's all your fault.TA
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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