Wouldn't this be a LB or not? Saying no?

I have this overwhelming urge to do whatever I can.
Like a puppy rolling over on it's back.......maybe that's my problem. Affraid of her being miffed at me, and further removing herself from me.

I found this post by Pom, is this what I should be doing?
Jump into plan B and file for seperation?

If you jump in PLan B too soon - you will be divorced. You should however get an atty and know what rights you have asap. Plan A / B timelines are personal - it depends how much energy and will you have to break this A.

I recommend you read a thread by mywifeilove.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1533506&fpart=1

This is not a sprint but rather a marathon and you need to be emotionally prepared for the long haul. Your kids are worth it. On the other hand if you want out of the marriage - your choice.

Here is a link to Marks troubleshooting guide - a quick synopsis of the Plans A/B - perhaps this will help a bit.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=149531&Number=2033532#Post2033532

No. Why would you think it's an LB??? Not helping her to have an affair and break up the marriage IS NOT AN LB!!! Preventing the breakup, and making it as difficult as possible for her to have an affair IS AN ACT OF LOVE!

Every time you are faced with a decision, ask yourself: "What is best for the marriage?". Is letting her get cozy in her new apartment what's best for the marriage???

And I wouldn't couch your "no response to the furniture request in any passive aggressive BS-talk like, "No, that would be harmful to the children.". Sorry guys, but that's not O&H.

You tell her, "No, you may not have anything from the house. I will not do anything to encourage the dissolution of this family. I can't stop you from leaving. I can't stop you from having an affair. But I don't have to make it easy for you either. You want this stuff. It's all here waiting for you when you come home."

Within -

Stop. Breathe. Repeat.

You are getting sound advice, but you're all over the place and not sitting down to take any of it in. It's good you're reading and learning, and Pom's post is a great one - but don't just keep gathering information and running around in circles in your head. You're getting nowhere. It's like you have all these tools and pieces to make something, and no instruction manual.

Your WW seems so incredibly and typically foggy, and you cannot let her influence you with these crazy foggy swings back and forth. She doesn't know her own mind right now, so don't let her dictate yours.

(Before I start talking plans, let me say I am NOT a vet and these are my inexperienced thoughts only. Also, as someone told me, an A gives the BS a "get out of marriage free" card. It may be impossible for you to decide right now if that's what you want, but it is, of course, an option. No one can tell you what's best for you - that's why you need to take a breather and try figuring it out. As another poster stated, keep in mind if you want to know you tried 100% to recover or not.)

A good Plan A can help ground her, show her what she's missing. Recall the story you told about your kids wanting you and not her - I guarantee that reached her, and a good Plan A will hopefully have a similar effect on her feelings regarding you. It's a reminder of all she's missing, what's important, and hopefully will help her start thinking more about what she's doing and realize it's not worth it. A good Plan A will also work on your LoveBank account with her. If you need to go to a Plan B, you will need the best balance you can get in your LoveBank before starting it.

Plan B is when you can't maintain a good Plan A anymore, when it's hurting you and your love for your WW, when it's not working and her continued waywardness is hurting your love for her. Plan B is to protect you and that love.

I think the general recommendations are to Plan A if possible while preparing for Plan B (or D or FU). So while you Plan A your WW, read up on legal options, get all your ducks in a row should you decide to pursue that, and just get prepared.

So much more to say, but start with a deep breath and relax. Pom's post does have advice you can immediately use regardless of what you decide to do: take action. 'Hope' isn't a plan.

Vets, please correct anything I've misstated. Good luck.

Great quote Seabird! Wonderful wording and right to the point.

Remember, communication is a combination of what you say, how you say it and non-verbals as you are speaking. And ONLY 22% is what you say. The rest how you say it and non-verbals.

Be careful in your approach here...Be confident, calm, reassuring and not at all snyde or synical when you are communicating with her. And do it in person! Not via phone or e-mail or text.

Stand tall, stand proud, hold your ground, look her dead in the eyes and repeat phrase above!

Plan A, my friend, Plan A!

Thanks DNU1!

Within - Fight for the marriage! Not for her approval. Her approval means jack! She is not the woman you married right now. She's a fog-addled idiot. You should no more want her approval than some rattle-brained meth-head tweeker living in a box under a bridge.

Fight for the marriage. Do what's best for the marriage. Make the marriage your priority.

Wow,


You guy's made me cry like a baby at work.


I just feel so helpless, and yes, I do feel as if I am spinning around in a circle, waiting for someone to sit the chair under me so I can sit down.

I miss her soooo much.....crying again........

Just the thought of her confiding in someone else, or more, tears my heart right out of my chest, I feel worse this time around than I did in all the times of my first marriage.

I seen her this morning in her car, she had dropped the girls off at our daycare, I have to drive that direction to get to my job.
I was waving like a freakin lunitic, trying to get her to notice me, the cars next to me, had to of thought i was crazy.

But she did not notice me, and I felt soooo alone and crushed.

I would suspect, if I did let her have some of her furniture, she would then ask me to help her move it.

I am going to start a lil project of writing her letters, not about love or us, but about what lil things I see or do during the day, I wrote one last night as I laid in bed. Just telling her about a flock of geese I seen flying over me, they were in the form of a number one.

Then later that day I seen just two geese flying side by side, as if they were holding hands while they flew, when one turned the other seemed to be hooked together.

Update:

I took the letter and placed it in her car on my lunch. I had to get the car seats to pick the kids up for the weekend.

We shall see if she calls or says anything.

I will write another letter tonight and every night this weekend and leave them in her car Monday.

Or I might mail them to her mom and dad's house.

I can't wait to see my daughter's tonight, they give me strength, and keep me sane for the most part.

I do hate crying in front of them though, last weekend was a bad weekend, they probably thought i was crazy.

Man, I don't know about this letter thing. I'd hold off on doing that on a daily basis until someone else here chimes in. I tried to offer up a few tokens here and there (emails, small gifts, etc.) during my initial in-house separation period and it just made the XW angrier and angrier. It got to where she started finding hidden meanings in everything above and beyond my actual intentions. But she was totally inhospitable to anything I tried to get close to her. Your W and you are still somewhat affectionate.

I'm not saying what you're planning is a bad idea. I honestly don't know. I just think you should get some more feedback. It strikes me as too emotive and too needy.

Me too.

There have been several FWW's at this site that have said how much these letters pissed them off.

Hmmmmm maybe I should have ran it passed everyone first.

I re-read Turtles post, because one of her EN is conversation....


Was this not correct advice?

Within - I understand your need to connect with her. To want to involve her in your life and have that feeling of oneness. There is a difference between sharing your observations in life and your day to day, and totally beating her over the head or being drug along the ground while you cling to her ankles.

You've left the one letter. I think that's enough for now. If she responds positively and follows up with questions or observations, then wait a few days and leave her another. Dumping a bunch on her lap at once might revolt her.

Ah-hah moment.......

I am not generally this stupid.......

Slow your roll Within. You're not being stupid and you have no need to qualify your actions. Moments like this; it's difficult to see the forest or the trees. The more time you stay here, the more you will learn and discover. The ideas and concepts will become second nature. Can't be rushed though. In the meantime, consider the advice you're given. Don't take it all as gospel. Just consider it...

I'm outta here for the weekend, but I'll check in when I can over the next few days.

Settle down and enjoy the time with your daughters. I have my kids this weekend and we've got a lot of things planned.

I found out about my WW's affair when she mistakenly left her e-mail account open the day after Christmas. I woke up, got her off to work and went down to check my e-mail.

Saw her mail open and decided to read a few from one of her med-school buddies who had gone through affair / divorce / new girlfriend, baby, etc. Friend talked to my WW about divorce and how much it sucked and said somehthing like "keep trying with DNU1, divorce is ugly" I knew something was up right then.

Little more digging and I found "sent" mails to her buddy detailing the affair, the OM & the hook up in Vegas. Ripped me apart!

Then found one e-mail to the OM talking about how wonderful it was to wake up in his arms Freaking kills me even to type this...



I copied every e-mail and pasted them into word doc in order of date. Go back and read them once and a while. SUCKS that I do this...can't understand why I do. Tears me up to read her words to him, to her buddy about how discouraged she was in our marriage, etc.

But I think that's part of my healing process. I have to let those feelings out and not hide them deep down inside.

Ick. Just thinking about it makes my gut wrench.

My WW is making progess, seeing an IC, had no contact since Dec 1st except for a text from OM after I called his GF (basically said their relationship never should have went that far...blah, blah, leave GF out of this, blah, blah...hope you two can mend things, blah, blah). That set her withdrawl back a few steps.

But she is making progress. And I have to agree that we are moving forward.

Long rant, I'm sorry, but it really helps me to rant on like this some time.

What I'm trying to say is you have lots of long, hard times in front of you. Stay strong brother! Be the rock! Be the steady husband who shows his WW that he IS the ONE through your actions. Don't hang on her ankles as she tries to walk out door. Be strong. Be the MAN! Hang in there!

Forget those sappy letters.

Writing just for the sake of writing is no better than forcing a conversation.

Ok, again pardon me for acting stupid, but part of plan A, is to figure out the most important EN's for her are, right?

If conversation about goofy things, like the geese, is something she wants, shouldn't I be doing that for her? Meeting one of her EN's? Whether that is by person, phone, or letter?

Not saying i disagree, if you think the letters are questionable, just trying to figure this all out.

If she doesn't say anything about it, then I guess maybe it wasn't ideal, but if she does say something and that leads into a discussion about why the geese were flying in that paticular way, then why is that a bad thing? As long as we talk about something other than our marriage at this paticular moment.

Update:

I called WW mother last night to ask a few questions and to get a opinion on what I should do about a few things.

Now I am very close or have been growing close to WW mother and father, as well as WW extended family, and have everyone's support.

I have so much support they all have been somewhat distant from her, and are trying to figure out WTH she is/was thinking.

But anyways, I called WW mother and asked her opinion on what to do about WW bills and debt, her mother had no idea of the debt we /she had made.
I really did not expect them to do anything, like give me money, but to plant that seed so they would ask WW what she is going to do, since she hasn't taken any responcibility for that either.

Well the phone call turned into a almost 2 hour discussion about WW and my marriage. Not that I have not talked to them about it before, I actually still keep in touch quite a bit.

But I asked if my WW, is/has been in contact with OM, and MIL assured me they have not, even so, that FIL had confronted the OM, and seperately OM parents. From my understanding FIL made it very clear that he will not be allowed to contact his daughter ever, and if he does, he will make it very hard for him. Now I am not sure what that last statement meant, but my FIL is an EX marine.

Probably one of the nicest men I have ever met in my life, but I was a bit shocked by this.

I was also told that everyone in WW family has spoke to her about this EA, even her brother which she is very close to, her brother is currently serving in the air force.

He was very dissappointed in her for doing this, and told her he had lost alot of respect for her, and that she was not welcome to come visit his home in Alaska, until she fixed her marriage.

Wow, talk about pressure.

So I am confident that the NC has been in effect since.


MIL had no advice, MIL does not think her own daughter can do this by herself, there is no way she can afford to live by herself, work two jobs, take care of two daughters %50 of the time, and furnish an apartment, and let alone take care of herself in this deep depression. I assured my MIL, I am there if the kids need me, and if her daughter truely needs me.

It saddens me greatly that WW is so hell bent on self destruction, I guess the saying is true, they have to hit rock bottom? Reality will slap her up side the head one of these days.

I went on to tell MIL, that I am not prepared to allow WW to use any of our furniture, I can not force her to love me, I can not force her to come home, but I can force it to not be easy for her, not out of revenge, but to show her reality, and that she had it pretty good here.

My MIL agreed, and maybe that is what WW needs.

So life goes on......